Entries by tag: advice
Netflix has this movie Tall Girl that they wanted me to watch, do they know I'm tall? Holy crap the data spies are everywhere. Well it's a bad high school romance movie and those are definitely NOT my genre, but I watched most of it. Skipped some because it got very high school. I am writing this entry to tall girls in high school, because I was one of you, and life is rough, just not like the movie.
Spoiler warning I guess? But no one needs to watch this movie so whatever.
The main character looks to be over six feet tall like me and says she wears size 13 mens shoes... that's crazy and can I just say not very likely. I wear mens 9, women's 10.5 or 11. I have not met another woman who wears mens 13.
She can't find a homecoming dress she likes, so she rocks this awesome tuxedo/suit outfit on the big day. While she looks great, this is also not likely, because WE CAN'T FIND PANTS! And she just buys it at the mall... uh, no, if we get pants they are special order on the internet. Nothing ever fits us quite right. Dresses are actually easier because there's more flexibility on length, they don't have to hit the exact top of foot range within +/-1 inch like pants do. Anyway a sweet suit that fits great with appropriate length pant legs and jacket sleeves (yes, a JACKET!) is impossible unless you have a tailor who custom makes one for you.
Were any tall girls consulted in the creation of this movie?
The main theme of the movie is her short friend-zoned neighbor boy pining away for her the whole time, even carrying a milk crate with him at all times in case (we learn later) he gets a chance to kiss her. Again, art is not imitating life here. Short boys do not dream of us. They want normal girls. I had no boyfriends in high school. By my senior year I was gutsy enough to ask guys to dances, they did not ask me, and I was told no but kept trying and did get some (shorter than me) friend dates to homecoming and prom. But trust me these guys were not thrilled to finally be noticed so they could profess their love. We had fun, but it was not romantic.
My first boyfriends were in college. I reached my current adult height at age 14 or so, but boys kept growing. They even grow after high school. Look at a college track team, it's really hard to tell the difference between the freshman and senior girls, but freshman boys are obvious.
I am taller than 80% of the male population, but the older you get the taller they get and the less they all care anyway. My husband is about the same height as me but not every guy I dated was, but they were interested enough in me it didn't matter. Maybe that's the big part of why high school romance movies are fake for everyone... there's just not that much deep compatible love happening to ANYONE who's 16. I don't know if the boys are afraid of girls or just not interested. I do know that when you hit your 20s the game is on!
So that's really my message for tall girls. This movie may tell you the solution is sweet short boys, or a perfect jacket, but I don't think those things exist. Wait it out. Like all of us say, it gets better! Until then, have fun and enjoy high school. Play some sports, you might be good. Dress outlandishly in whatever fits, before you're forced into business casual later in life. Start a livejournal. Every semester, write yourself a note about who your favorite teacher was, because right now you don't realize how much they are helping you. Join weird clubs. Take strange electives. Take math every year. Use that solitude to focus on studies so you can be a successful engineer, surrounded by men, taking care of her family, living her best life.
Spoiler warning I guess? But no one needs to watch this movie so whatever.
The main character looks to be over six feet tall like me and says she wears size 13 mens shoes... that's crazy and can I just say not very likely. I wear mens 9, women's 10.5 or 11. I have not met another woman who wears mens 13.
She can't find a homecoming dress she likes, so she rocks this awesome tuxedo/suit outfit on the big day. While she looks great, this is also not likely, because WE CAN'T FIND PANTS! And she just buys it at the mall... uh, no, if we get pants they are special order on the internet. Nothing ever fits us quite right. Dresses are actually easier because there's more flexibility on length, they don't have to hit the exact top of foot range within +/-1 inch like pants do. Anyway a sweet suit that fits great with appropriate length pant legs and jacket sleeves (yes, a JACKET!) is impossible unless you have a tailor who custom makes one for you.
Were any tall girls consulted in the creation of this movie?
The main theme of the movie is her short friend-zoned neighbor boy pining away for her the whole time, even carrying a milk crate with him at all times in case (we learn later) he gets a chance to kiss her. Again, art is not imitating life here. Short boys do not dream of us. They want normal girls. I had no boyfriends in high school. By my senior year I was gutsy enough to ask guys to dances, they did not ask me, and I was told no but kept trying and did get some (shorter than me) friend dates to homecoming and prom. But trust me these guys were not thrilled to finally be noticed so they could profess their love. We had fun, but it was not romantic.
My first boyfriends were in college. I reached my current adult height at age 14 or so, but boys kept growing. They even grow after high school. Look at a college track team, it's really hard to tell the difference between the freshman and senior girls, but freshman boys are obvious.
I am taller than 80% of the male population, but the older you get the taller they get and the less they all care anyway. My husband is about the same height as me but not every guy I dated was, but they were interested enough in me it didn't matter. Maybe that's the big part of why high school romance movies are fake for everyone... there's just not that much deep compatible love happening to ANYONE who's 16. I don't know if the boys are afraid of girls or just not interested. I do know that when you hit your 20s the game is on!
So that's really my message for tall girls. This movie may tell you the solution is sweet short boys, or a perfect jacket, but I don't think those things exist. Wait it out. Like all of us say, it gets better! Until then, have fun and enjoy high school. Play some sports, you might be good. Dress outlandishly in whatever fits, before you're forced into business casual later in life. Start a livejournal. Every semester, write yourself a note about who your favorite teacher was, because right now you don't realize how much they are helping you. Join weird clubs. Take strange electives. Take math every year. Use that solitude to focus on studies so you can be a successful engineer, surrounded by men, taking care of her family, living her best life.
I have a life advice.
I had a lady from a local group who wanted to meet me at the makerspace I lead to check the place out. I was happy to meet her, I said sure I'm not doing anything Wednesday, how about 7? Awesome! We email confirmed and all was well.
Wednesday I get off work and head there but check my makerspace email really quick to see if anything had changed, and OMG, I had a dozen emails from her because SHE THOUGHT I MEANT 7AM! Where are you, I'm here, it's cold and dark outside, there's no one to let me in, I guess we have to reschedule, etc etc etc.
Okay, I have two life advices. First, never assume the AM/PM thing.
Second, if you are meeting someone in the real world, be sure to exchange all best forms of contacting you directly? We can email all day, but it's time to exchange cell phone numbers! Anything can happen - cancellation, flat tire, confusion over the time (obvs). Under the context of "if anything comes up", give out your cell phone. Or some other form of contact that you know can really get your attention.
We were actually not able to reschedule. I think she was very unhappy.
I had a lady from a local group who wanted to meet me at the makerspace I lead to check the place out. I was happy to meet her, I said sure I'm not doing anything Wednesday, how about 7? Awesome! We email confirmed and all was well.
Wednesday I get off work and head there but check my makerspace email really quick to see if anything had changed, and OMG, I had a dozen emails from her because SHE THOUGHT I MEANT 7AM! Where are you, I'm here, it's cold and dark outside, there's no one to let me in, I guess we have to reschedule, etc etc etc.
Okay, I have two life advices. First, never assume the AM/PM thing.
Second, if you are meeting someone in the real world, be sure to exchange all best forms of contacting you directly? We can email all day, but it's time to exchange cell phone numbers! Anything can happen - cancellation, flat tire, confusion over the time (obvs). Under the context of "if anything comes up", give out your cell phone. Or some other form of contact that you know can really get your attention.
We were actually not able to reschedule. I think she was very unhappy.
My kids love this movie "Hotel Transylvania". I like the goth feel and it has funny lines but I hate the message it sends about love, relationships, and (duhn duhn DUUUUHN) SOULMATES.
In the movie, the daughter Mavis is coming of age and meets a boy she adores. Her single dad tries to split them up. She discovers a message left by her dead mother about how her mother and father fell in love at first sight with a ZING and how... get this... you only get one ZING.
Yes, the mother's one message left behind for her daughter who would grow up with out her was that if you fall in love, that's it. Better make it work because it won't happen again. It literally says, "You only get one ZING."
So I hate this movie, and the whole idea, and think it's downright awful to tell kids that love works this way.
You know how many terrible breakups I had in college because one or both of us was convinced that dammit this was IT and we are meant to be because 75% of this relationship works so surely we're supposed to work hard enough to get to 100%! What we have is so special and irreplaceable! We love each other! This amazing (okay, at least pretty darn good) relationship is not something to throw away!
Then one person decides no, it's not worth fighting for, and rather than say "Okay it wasn't meant to be" the other person CANNOT let go because they're convinced that we're supposed to fight for every relationship because... soulmates.
I came to realize that it's really a mark of immaturity, not loyalty, to say "well this person isn't that great now but we all change and what if they're going to be the perfect person to me in five years?"
We have the opportunity to meet thousands or millions of people in our lives. Every person you date, you calibrate your brain to make a decision about what you're looking for in a person. You're going to meet thousands, maybe millions, in your life. Your odds of making great decisions with zero calibration data are very, very low.
When I was 24 or 25 I had a breakup and was telling everyone that we were actually okay, the guy wasn't flipping out, I was like "this is awesome, how can I date more non-psychos, how can I make sure all my relationships give me this freedom to get out if it's just not right?" and my friends said, "You know why this happened? Because someone has broken up with him before and he knows it's going to be okay. You want it to happen again? Date people who are over 23!"
In early relationships, we pick our dates very randomly, and then tend to stay with them out of fear because we're scared to pick another one. Later, we pick our dates more strategically, knowing a few red flags to look for, and we stay in because we realize hey, this person has something really rare and wonderful that the last person didn't have. We know good reasons to stay. There's less fear because we've learned that yes, another bus will come along in 15 minutes. All decisions are smarter.
I read a great article about divorce in fundamentalist Christian communities called Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed. The author initially thought that each teenager should marry his or her first love and that it was "traditional". Then he learned that his grandparents, who had successful marriages, actually grew up in households where they were forbidden to date the same person twice in a row! They were forced to get out there and meet different people to make a smart evaluation about who to marry. Then they got married. Again - smarter decisions.
Which brings me back to my beef about soulmates: I think the idea of soulmates leads to unsmart decisions. We should teach kids that first loves are great, but they pale in comparison to third loves, trust me. Maybe it'll take ten. Don't count. Just learn.
Dear daughters - if I'm not around to give you advice but I can leave you this note, have this one. I'm not going to tell you to treasure your first love. If that first committed relationship doesn't work out? GOOD. Trust me. Good!
In the movie, the daughter Mavis is coming of age and meets a boy she adores. Her single dad tries to split them up. She discovers a message left by her dead mother about how her mother and father fell in love at first sight with a ZING and how... get this... you only get one ZING.
Yes, the mother's one message left behind for her daughter who would grow up with out her was that if you fall in love, that's it. Better make it work because it won't happen again. It literally says, "You only get one ZING."
So I hate this movie, and the whole idea, and think it's downright awful to tell kids that love works this way.
You know how many terrible breakups I had in college because one or both of us was convinced that dammit this was IT and we are meant to be because 75% of this relationship works so surely we're supposed to work hard enough to get to 100%! What we have is so special and irreplaceable! We love each other! This amazing (okay, at least pretty darn good) relationship is not something to throw away!
Then one person decides no, it's not worth fighting for, and rather than say "Okay it wasn't meant to be" the other person CANNOT let go because they're convinced that we're supposed to fight for every relationship because... soulmates.
I came to realize that it's really a mark of immaturity, not loyalty, to say "well this person isn't that great now but we all change and what if they're going to be the perfect person to me in five years?"
We have the opportunity to meet thousands or millions of people in our lives. Every person you date, you calibrate your brain to make a decision about what you're looking for in a person. You're going to meet thousands, maybe millions, in your life. Your odds of making great decisions with zero calibration data are very, very low.
When I was 24 or 25 I had a breakup and was telling everyone that we were actually okay, the guy wasn't flipping out, I was like "this is awesome, how can I date more non-psychos, how can I make sure all my relationships give me this freedom to get out if it's just not right?" and my friends said, "You know why this happened? Because someone has broken up with him before and he knows it's going to be okay. You want it to happen again? Date people who are over 23!"
In early relationships, we pick our dates very randomly, and then tend to stay with them out of fear because we're scared to pick another one. Later, we pick our dates more strategically, knowing a few red flags to look for, and we stay in because we realize hey, this person has something really rare and wonderful that the last person didn't have. We know good reasons to stay. There's less fear because we've learned that yes, another bus will come along in 15 minutes. All decisions are smarter.
I read a great article about divorce in fundamentalist Christian communities called Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed. The author initially thought that each teenager should marry his or her first love and that it was "traditional". Then he learned that his grandparents, who had successful marriages, actually grew up in households where they were forbidden to date the same person twice in a row! They were forced to get out there and meet different people to make a smart evaluation about who to marry. Then they got married. Again - smarter decisions.
Which brings me back to my beef about soulmates: I think the idea of soulmates leads to unsmart decisions. We should teach kids that first loves are great, but they pale in comparison to third loves, trust me. Maybe it'll take ten. Don't count. Just learn.
Dear daughters - if I'm not around to give you advice but I can leave you this note, have this one. I'm not going to tell you to treasure your first love. If that first committed relationship doesn't work out? GOOD. Trust me. Good!
I wonder if things have changed now that nerds are kinda cool. Or are they? I don't know. It's 2015 now. There's a thing called "geek chic". There are shows like The IT Crowd and Big Bang Theory. Some of the richest men in the world are from the computing industry... Bill Gates, the Apple guys who are still alive. Maybe guys who spend way too much time are their arduino projects are just chick magnets now like nobody'd believe, they're all suave and experienced and unreachable. If that's true, then let this be a time capsule entry... if it's not true, then let it apply to EVERYBODY now.
When I was in high school I was just starting to learn BASIC, javascript, and HTML. I was barely online. But I knew guys who were. They learned BASIC in the second grade, they bragged. They totally intimidated me out of getting a CS degree... but I only drifted into engineering, so not a total loss to STEM.
I wanted to be them. But more than that... I wanted them.
So someone asked me recently (and by recently I mean "in yesterday's lj entry") if I'd ever pined away unrequited for someone who did not love me back. Yes I have! But the thing with me, was it was always for computer nerds, and it made my feelings even more confusing because when a computer nerd doesn't ask you out you can't just wonder if he's "not that into you".
you also wonder if he's so obsessed with technology he's not into GIRLS period.
And you wonder if he's SECRETLY into you but since he's never had a girlfriend, he doesn't know how to flirt back.
I had several crushes in high school that went on way too long. Looking back, maybe they weren't into me. Okay probably they weren't into me. I was too tall and awkward and not terribly attractive. But it took me extra long to figure out. One guy I was obsessed with for like two years... finally we got to cuddle at a camping trip. It went nowhere from there.
There was this movie Angus about this nerdy guy who was in love with the most popular pretty girl in school and the point of the movie was that she just didn't see his inner coolness, so sad. Everyone liked it. It was "so deep". The soundtrack was great. I hated that movie. I was like you know what Angus, there's probably some nerdy girl who likes you... why is it that since you're a guy, you're entitled to the prom queen if you've got some ounce of inner beauty? where are the normal girls in these stories? Why is it okay for you to only pay attention to a girl who's stereotypically beautiful, then turn around and tell girls in general they're all shallow for looking past you?
I wasn't sure if this movie was totally sexist (looking back - yes it was) or a sign to me that I just needed to work REALLY HARD to let these guys know I was interested, because they are busy looking for the short busty cheerleaders, I don't even exist in their worlds, but if I did they'd be happy! right?!
In college I finally had boyfriends. My first few boyfriends were not total nerds... they'd had girlfriends. It was the start of understanding what a relationship feels like when the other person cares. Then I started back to flirting with computer nerds, this time getting some of them to actually be interested in me. Maybe it worked because we were older.
Shoot I have to conclude this sad rambling.
To the nerdgirls: You're wonderful and the right guys will see it. Don't let these nerds confuse you. Don't obsess on them. Be around them, be there for them, don't expect much.
To the nerdboys: Be honest as early and as often as possible. If a girl in your class asks you over for C++ tutoring way too often and wears perfume when you meet up in the lab but she's not your type or you'd rather play minecraft or whatever, it's okay! Talk about another girl you like so she gets SOME hint at least of where she stands.
To everyone: high school just sucks, so much, doesn't it. I just remembered that. I am so happy to be 35.
When I was in high school I was just starting to learn BASIC, javascript, and HTML. I was barely online. But I knew guys who were. They learned BASIC in the second grade, they bragged. They totally intimidated me out of getting a CS degree... but I only drifted into engineering, so not a total loss to STEM.
I wanted to be them. But more than that... I wanted them.
So someone asked me recently (and by recently I mean "in yesterday's lj entry") if I'd ever pined away unrequited for someone who did not love me back. Yes I have! But the thing with me, was it was always for computer nerds, and it made my feelings even more confusing because when a computer nerd doesn't ask you out you can't just wonder if he's "not that into you".
you also wonder if he's so obsessed with technology he's not into GIRLS period.
And you wonder if he's SECRETLY into you but since he's never had a girlfriend, he doesn't know how to flirt back.
I had several crushes in high school that went on way too long. Looking back, maybe they weren't into me. Okay probably they weren't into me. I was too tall and awkward and not terribly attractive. But it took me extra long to figure out. One guy I was obsessed with for like two years... finally we got to cuddle at a camping trip. It went nowhere from there.
There was this movie Angus about this nerdy guy who was in love with the most popular pretty girl in school and the point of the movie was that she just didn't see his inner coolness, so sad. Everyone liked it. It was "so deep". The soundtrack was great. I hated that movie. I was like you know what Angus, there's probably some nerdy girl who likes you... why is it that since you're a guy, you're entitled to the prom queen if you've got some ounce of inner beauty? where are the normal girls in these stories? Why is it okay for you to only pay attention to a girl who's stereotypically beautiful, then turn around and tell girls in general they're all shallow for looking past you?
I wasn't sure if this movie was totally sexist (looking back - yes it was) or a sign to me that I just needed to work REALLY HARD to let these guys know I was interested, because they are busy looking for the short busty cheerleaders, I don't even exist in their worlds, but if I did they'd be happy! right?!
In college I finally had boyfriends. My first few boyfriends were not total nerds... they'd had girlfriends. It was the start of understanding what a relationship feels like when the other person cares. Then I started back to flirting with computer nerds, this time getting some of them to actually be interested in me. Maybe it worked because we were older.
Shoot I have to conclude this sad rambling.
To the nerdgirls: You're wonderful and the right guys will see it. Don't let these nerds confuse you. Don't obsess on them. Be around them, be there for them, don't expect much.
To the nerdboys: Be honest as early and as often as possible. If a girl in your class asks you over for C++ tutoring way too often and wears perfume when you meet up in the lab but she's not your type or you'd rather play minecraft or whatever, it's okay! Talk about another girl you like so she gets SOME hint at least of where she stands.
To everyone: high school just sucks, so much, doesn't it. I just remembered that. I am so happy to be 35.
I remember writing here that my 20s were a real pain in the ass because there were so many UNDECIDED things? Like, I could decide my whole career. Where I'd live. Who I'd marry. It was now time. I couldn't screw up my life by taking the wrong class in high school, all those decisions are so minor. But my 20s felt full of decisions that mattered.
In one way I'm glad to be out of it. In other ways, I tell myself that the decades past that are even scarier because I now have the option of the non-decision. As in, I could have this same career in this same town FOREVER, or do I need to change something? Will I regret laying back and just letting this river take me on its direction? Should I be living in other places? Is this a mistake?
Last week I read a lot of this book...
Mistakes I Made At Work: 25 Influential Women Reflect on What They Got Out Of Getting It Wrong
Overall it's a good book but the vast majority of the 25 women interviewed are in journalism, media, publishing, writing etc... I had to dig for STEM voices that applied to me. So that's my one sentence review (beef) of the book.
But my favorite quote to highlight was author Joanna Barsh:
I'd send this back to my 25 year old self, for sure. Don't worry. You can't live the wrong life.
In one way I'm glad to be out of it. In other ways, I tell myself that the decades past that are even scarier because I now have the option of the non-decision. As in, I could have this same career in this same town FOREVER, or do I need to change something? Will I regret laying back and just letting this river take me on its direction? Should I be living in other places? Is this a mistake?
Last week I read a lot of this book...
Mistakes I Made At Work: 25 Influential Women Reflect on What They Got Out Of Getting It Wrong
Overall it's a good book but the vast majority of the 25 women interviewed are in journalism, media, publishing, writing etc... I had to dig for STEM voices that applied to me. So that's my one sentence review (beef) of the book.
But my favorite quote to highlight was author Joanna Barsh:
I've noticed that young people are often afraid of "living the wrong life." Every decision becomes momentous because they just haven't made many of them! They become afraid to decide anything, which can be a mistake in itself. Instead, start with what you really want to create and if the decision takes you a step forward, go for it. If you don't know what you want to create, focus on gaining a skill.
I'd send this back to my 25 year old self, for sure. Don't worry. You can't live the wrong life.
someone in 
thequestionclub asked what's the "right" way to break up with someone.
My answer: there isn't one! Like, officially... stop faulting people for not being honest or direct enough, stop criticizing or talking about how facebook breakups or text message breakups or a post-it on the door just isn't "right". Stop acting like there are supposed to be rules!
Because every time I tried to break up with a guy, I got raked through the coals over it. I tried honestly telling a guy that we needed some space, he blew up at me for being so "sudden" about this, told all his friends I'd been dishonest because I'd been secretly thinking that it wouldn't work out but held it in for so long (as if I had the answers, saw the future, just didn't tell him?). Then he'd call me at random times asking if we'd get back together, and if I said I didn't know he'd ask why I was stringing him along, and if I said "no" he'd accuse me of once again, having all the answers, how long have I known that it wouldn't work out?
So the next guy I tried just fading away, filling up my schedule, not answering his phone calls, and friends said I was leading him on too. And finally he chased me down and did the "we need to have a talk why are you being a shithead why don't you just BREAK UP WITH ME if that's what you want?!" I'd been hoping that I could get him to break up with me, so I wouldn't have another crazy angry ex-boyfriend talking shit on me everywhere. It only sort of worked. Well, to be honest, it worked better than the upfront conversation strategy... shitty as people made me feel about it.
By the time I met Marc I was so sick of crazy ex-boyfriends and bad breakups that I didn't want any boyfriend, period. I knew that no matter how normal a guy is, you have no idea how he'll react when you break up with him!
So I told Marc that. Early in the relationship, in fact, I laid it all out and said, "I just want you to know that if I decide I don't want to be with you, THAT'S MY RIGHT! I am not obligated to find out the perfect way to say it, I am not an evil person because you are not right for me, I am not saying anything about YOU by ending a relationship. You are not allowed to freak out!" And oddly enough, he totally agreed, in fact he'd had psycho ex-girlfriends and knew exactly what I was talking about. No hard feelings, we agreed. We had a breakup plan in place, we were ready to go before we even got serious. Both of us knew it was going to be the best breakup ever.
Except then we got married. So, crap, there ya go.
But at least I have this advice out there for the world... do not be mad at your ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. Move on! Maybe they cheated on you because they didn't know how to break up, and if they put your health at risk you should be mad, but aside from that I can't think of a situation where you should feel entitled to a form of breakup. They happen.
thequestionclub asked what's the "right" way to break up with someone.My answer: there isn't one! Like, officially... stop faulting people for not being honest or direct enough, stop criticizing or talking about how facebook breakups or text message breakups or a post-it on the door just isn't "right". Stop acting like there are supposed to be rules!
Because every time I tried to break up with a guy, I got raked through the coals over it. I tried honestly telling a guy that we needed some space, he blew up at me for being so "sudden" about this, told all his friends I'd been dishonest because I'd been secretly thinking that it wouldn't work out but held it in for so long (as if I had the answers, saw the future, just didn't tell him?). Then he'd call me at random times asking if we'd get back together, and if I said I didn't know he'd ask why I was stringing him along, and if I said "no" he'd accuse me of once again, having all the answers, how long have I known that it wouldn't work out?
So the next guy I tried just fading away, filling up my schedule, not answering his phone calls, and friends said I was leading him on too. And finally he chased me down and did the "we need to have a talk why are you being a shithead why don't you just BREAK UP WITH ME if that's what you want?!" I'd been hoping that I could get him to break up with me, so I wouldn't have another crazy angry ex-boyfriend talking shit on me everywhere. It only sort of worked. Well, to be honest, it worked better than the upfront conversation strategy... shitty as people made me feel about it.
By the time I met Marc I was so sick of crazy ex-boyfriends and bad breakups that I didn't want any boyfriend, period. I knew that no matter how normal a guy is, you have no idea how he'll react when you break up with him!
So I told Marc that. Early in the relationship, in fact, I laid it all out and said, "I just want you to know that if I decide I don't want to be with you, THAT'S MY RIGHT! I am not obligated to find out the perfect way to say it, I am not an evil person because you are not right for me, I am not saying anything about YOU by ending a relationship. You are not allowed to freak out!" And oddly enough, he totally agreed, in fact he'd had psycho ex-girlfriends and knew exactly what I was talking about. No hard feelings, we agreed. We had a breakup plan in place, we were ready to go before we even got serious. Both of us knew it was going to be the best breakup ever.
Except then we got married. So, crap, there ya go.
But at least I have this advice out there for the world... do not be mad at your ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. Move on! Maybe they cheated on you because they didn't know how to break up, and if they put your health at risk you should be mad, but aside from that I can't think of a situation where you should feel entitled to a form of breakup. They happen.
I hope this entry isn't too nasty cheesy hallmarky. here goes... I was looking through old entries and found this:
http://spacefem.livejournal.com/191244.html
I wrote this when I was between relationships in 2003. I'd just broken up with my college boyfriend... we dated about two years, were very serious, but hard times revealed some very negative things about us. I was starting to get closer to the Angry Man, a coworker who was so bitter about love in general we never found any real passion between us, but despite that we were very compatible and I still think of him as a wonderful person. I didn't really know either of these facts when I wrote the statement... it was too soon to reflect back on the college relationship and too early to know how things would go with the angry man.
It was one of my "top commented on" entries... and a lot of you weighed in, it's awesome to think how long I've had the same lj friends. Back then, and even more in the months after that, I was obsessed with the question of how true love should feel to a logical girl like me.
I remember thinking several times that my 20s were such a pain in the ass. I mean, when you're in high school it feels like a big decision to, like, decide what college to go to... but it really doesn't matter. You can switch easily, they're all a lot alike, you get a new start when you're done regardless. And I knew all these people in their 30s who were already down their path of life, married with kids and a house and a career, they weren't making any big decisions. But in your 20s, you have so many opportunities to start over, or not. The big questions in life, like "will I get married", "should I get the hell out of this state", "is this the industry for me"... are looming right over you, totally unanswered. For the first time in your life the blanks can be filled in but there's that pressure because you could fill something in wrong and you know it.
So I wondered, what would I say now about the original quote? What would my 30-year-old self put down as advice to my 23-year-old self?
First, don't think that love is all an internal decision. How boring. Some aspects of a relationship require that, sure, but that's not the whole thing. There is some magic (thank goodness).
Second, "perfect" is the wrong word. Even "perfect for you" is wrong. Both of them imply that you could come up with a checklist... which I think is what I was trying to do with my relationships in my 20s. Every one that ended added some more red flags to the checklist, I figured eventually I'd be able to evaluate relationships in a snap and someone would just fit.
No. Real love "comes at you sideways" (to quote Serenity, totally out of context sorry). It has some predictable ingredients like "being at the right time of your life" and "good person", but the life experiences that brought Marc and I together when it did could not have been predicted. Had I met him another year, I bet we wouldn't have happened.
I found someone to love the formula of who I am. I mean what's "perfect"? Does being really tall make me more or less perfect? How about being smart? Or jaded? Or opinionated?
I guess finding the right person is like trying to weave... there are vertical components and horizontal ones, there are little knots along the strings. Does green yarn make a rug more or less perfect? Neither. it just goes in, and you have to stand back and look at the picture as a whole.
At 25, right before I met marc, I stumbled onto my biggest revelation about relationships which is that you're not looking for someone who loves you in spite of your "flaws", but someone who sees everything about you as an advantage, because it all makes up who you are.
I still don't have all the answers, but my general advice to the 23-year-old would be something like this: your job right now has nothing to do with another person, your job is to become someone you think is strong, and smart, and dedicated. People and relationships help with that. But anyway... this other person might fit a formula, but it's not one you develop yourself. Finding someone to be with is not a research project. So... think about who you are. Write. Go on adventures. Have fun. Be someone awesome and interesting.
And then finally, if I was writing my old self a letter, I'd say "And by the way whatever you do it all works out. I approve of you, 100%. You've given me nothing to regret. I love what you've done with the place, spacefem."
I know that's really what she was hoping for.
Sometimes I think that finding that one person to spend your life with isn't so much about finding The Perfect Person, it's more about just finding a really darn good person and then deciding for yourself that it's worth fighting for, and you're going to make it work. An inner thing.
http://spacefem.livejournal.com/191244.html
I wrote this when I was between relationships in 2003. I'd just broken up with my college boyfriend... we dated about two years, were very serious, but hard times revealed some very negative things about us. I was starting to get closer to the Angry Man, a coworker who was so bitter about love in general we never found any real passion between us, but despite that we were very compatible and I still think of him as a wonderful person. I didn't really know either of these facts when I wrote the statement... it was too soon to reflect back on the college relationship and too early to know how things would go with the angry man.
It was one of my "top commented on" entries... and a lot of you weighed in, it's awesome to think how long I've had the same lj friends. Back then, and even more in the months after that, I was obsessed with the question of how true love should feel to a logical girl like me.
I remember thinking several times that my 20s were such a pain in the ass. I mean, when you're in high school it feels like a big decision to, like, decide what college to go to... but it really doesn't matter. You can switch easily, they're all a lot alike, you get a new start when you're done regardless. And I knew all these people in their 30s who were already down their path of life, married with kids and a house and a career, they weren't making any big decisions. But in your 20s, you have so many opportunities to start over, or not. The big questions in life, like "will I get married", "should I get the hell out of this state", "is this the industry for me"... are looming right over you, totally unanswered. For the first time in your life the blanks can be filled in but there's that pressure because you could fill something in wrong and you know it.
So I wondered, what would I say now about the original quote? What would my 30-year-old self put down as advice to my 23-year-old self?
First, don't think that love is all an internal decision. How boring. Some aspects of a relationship require that, sure, but that's not the whole thing. There is some magic (thank goodness).
Second, "perfect" is the wrong word. Even "perfect for you" is wrong. Both of them imply that you could come up with a checklist... which I think is what I was trying to do with my relationships in my 20s. Every one that ended added some more red flags to the checklist, I figured eventually I'd be able to evaluate relationships in a snap and someone would just fit.
No. Real love "comes at you sideways" (to quote Serenity, totally out of context sorry). It has some predictable ingredients like "being at the right time of your life" and "good person", but the life experiences that brought Marc and I together when it did could not have been predicted. Had I met him another year, I bet we wouldn't have happened.
I found someone to love the formula of who I am. I mean what's "perfect"? Does being really tall make me more or less perfect? How about being smart? Or jaded? Or opinionated?
I guess finding the right person is like trying to weave... there are vertical components and horizontal ones, there are little knots along the strings. Does green yarn make a rug more or less perfect? Neither. it just goes in, and you have to stand back and look at the picture as a whole.
At 25, right before I met marc, I stumbled onto my biggest revelation about relationships which is that you're not looking for someone who loves you in spite of your "flaws", but someone who sees everything about you as an advantage, because it all makes up who you are.
I still don't have all the answers, but my general advice to the 23-year-old would be something like this: your job right now has nothing to do with another person, your job is to become someone you think is strong, and smart, and dedicated. People and relationships help with that. But anyway... this other person might fit a formula, but it's not one you develop yourself. Finding someone to be with is not a research project. So... think about who you are. Write. Go on adventures. Have fun. Be someone awesome and interesting.
And then finally, if I was writing my old self a letter, I'd say "And by the way whatever you do it all works out. I approve of you, 100%. You've given me nothing to regret. I love what you've done with the place, spacefem."
I know that's really what she was hoping for.
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