\n This is my first attempt at writing ANYTHING! So comments and constructive criticism would be GREATLY appreciated. ?
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\n It was the first day of school, and TJ was excited beyond belief. "Im finally going to be a sophomore! he thought. No more getting pushed around by seniors and I can finally get some respect."
\n TJ finished updating his status on Facebook, then shut down his computer. He went to prepare to go to bed even though he knew he wouldnt be getting much sleep, due to the excitement of the first day of school. As he was putting on his black Adidas basketball shorts, he admired himself in the mirror; tall (511), muscular, handsome, and blue (TJ is a wolf with short, black head fur). He flexed his chest muscles a bit and rubbed the white fur on his belly. "I guess I'll try to get a little sleep." He muttered groggily.
\n TJ laid down on his more than comfortable futon and started to drift off while thinking of what the next day would hold. He awoke a few hours later to "Y Control" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. As he shut off the alarm, he looked at the white watch on his wrist. "6:03, eh? Hmm, I guess I'll get breakfast. Not sure what though." TJ headed to the kitchen to see if there was anything to eat; there wasnt. So he skipped breakfast as usual and continued to get ready for school. He brushed his teeth, washed his face, took a shower and got dressed. By the time he was ready, it was 6:35. He didnt want to be late for the first day, so he decided hed go catch the bus.
\n TJ got to the bus stop at 6:42 and met up with his friends Skipper (a Beagle), and Hakujo (a black Dragon) They talked about what they did the week before since they hadnt hung out since two weeks ago. The bus finally arrived and everyone boarded. The bus ride almost made TJ fall asleep because of how boring it was. They arrived at school at 7:02 and everyone fled the bus. TJ, Hakujo, and Skipper were finding all their friends and talking to them for the first time in 3 or 4 months.
\n The first bell rang and everyone was headed to the designated classrooms on their schedule. TJ's first period was Art 1; the most boring class at the school. 45 minutes after he got in the classroom, the second bell rang and TJ headed to English; his best, yet least favorite, subject. TJ was bored out of his mind by the time there was 5 minutes left. He was just counting down the minutes on his Casio G-Shock. The bell rang and there was a din of laughter when he left the class. I dont know how much more of this I can take!! he exclaimed under his breath. So far, there were boring people and people he hated in his classes. "Maybe third period will be different..." he pondered as he was walking down the stairs. He got in the class room and was blinded by the large amount of light streaming in from outside the windows.
\n "Pick any seat you like, sweetie." said TJ's new World History teacher. He took the closest seat possible to the door and just stayed there for 6 minutes until his friend Ryan came in. Ryan was a squirrel that was just about as musically inclined as TJ was. TJ went to sit by Ryan on the other side of the classroom so they could catch up. They were in the middle of a conversation about guitar tabs until TJ saw something that caught his eye.
\n "Oh my fucking GOD!!!!" TJ said to himself as he saw the most handsome Tiger hes ever seen sit down right in front of him. TJ instantly got nervous and started to sweat. He knew he was gay for a while but he never showed it and hed never found a guy that sparked his interest; until now.
\n "Okay, ladies and gentlemen, go around the room and greet everyone you see and write their names down afterwards. This will be your first grade, so lets start out on a good note shall we?!"
\n After the teacher spoke, the class got silent and TJ began shaking and sweating even more than before. "Oh shit, I have to talk to him. What if I blow it?!"TJ was thinking of all kinds of bad things that could happen until the tiger turned around and introduced himself. "Hi, my name is Slater. Nice to meet you!" he said in a cheerfully jolly voice. TJ was racked with fear but didnt let it show. "I'm TJ. Teachers call me Zach, but everyone else calls me TJ. Its very nice to meet you too, Slater."
\n The warm smile Slater gave him, made TJ relax a little bit and they began to converse. "So are you a sophomore or a freshman?" TJ asked. "Im a sophomore. What about you?" Slater replied. "I'm a sophomore too. I never saw you last year though. Did you go to this school?" TJ questioned again. "Yep, sure did! I never saw you last year either." Slater exclaimed. The both laughed and continued to talk to eachother for the rest of the class while getting other peoples names for their assignment. The bell rang and TJ felt his heart sink a little. He said goodbye to Slater and went to lunch. He enjoyed talking to the tiger and being with him too. He wasnt sure, but TJ thought he had a crush on Slater.
\n For the rest of the day, TJ had that amazing, handsome, muscular tiger on his mind. Although he knew he was gay, he didnt like it sometimes since things couldnt go his way since most guys were either in the closet or straight. Plus, TJ always had a liking for only tigers. He loved the orange fur, the large paws, and the overall form of tigers. He felt as though he was never going to find what he wanted since, for some reason, most tigers hated him. But he could tell in Slater's eyes that he genuinely liked him.
\n This was going to be a loooong school year...
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I think this is interesting so far; but, then again, I am a sucker for high school stories.
I do think your pacing was kinda off for the entire piece. The was you used parentheses when describing TJ was kinda odd; it messed with the flow of that whole part. And then again, when introducing TJ's friends, I feel some dialogue with narration could have done better to show what species they were and how they looked. And pacing for the school day itself was kinda off too.
I guess, more what I am getting at is, overall, you could have used more detail. I think the piece could have been longer.
The final thing I wanted to point out his how you did your dialogue. Usually, what is more common, is for each new line of dialogue from a different character would get its own paragraph. That is just what I am use reading. I believe every professional author I read does it that way, but to each their own.
Please don't get discouraged by my comment. I really liked your first try, and have read much worse. If you are ever looking for help in any way, be it editing or questions in general, feel free to drop me a line. I am looking forward to reading more. Keep up the good work.
*Watches*
At the same time, more details about other things are necessary. Maybe include some of the chatting between him and his friends at the bus stop. If Art class is boring, it may be worth it to say what sort of inane things happen in that class. If he doesn't like English class, describe what happens in the class to make him dislike it. If he's an avid musician, maybe mention something that gives a hint of that when he's getting ready for school.
Also, I would like to see more interaction between TJ and Slater. You don't really start crushing on someone just from getting their name, but that's all we see them doing. They should connect on some other level, share a common interest, have some hobby they're both interested in, have just read the same book, something specific for them to talk about. All of what we're told about TJ's crush is that he likes muscular tigers, and that's not all that interesting.
Anyway, I'm commenting because I liked it, and I think you could write some good stuff. Good luck!
my that i mean that, with editing, this could be pretty good. some of your grammar is screwy and the duologue could use work. the plot itself isn't bad, just a tad cliche. I'll keep reading though, because u probably get better as you write more of this.
i uhhh get carried away? a lot? dont hate me for the other comment........ please? if it helps you to not be pissed off, know that i am even harder on myself.......
you don't have to agree with my opinion, and really you shouldn't. when I comment on this site i tend to get in trouble because i point out the flaws and not the virtues... i really think that this has potential, but it needs work. just a small amount of time editing it would make a world of difference. Keep that in mind when you read the comment on chapter 6, and take everything i say with a grain of salt.