It's something you deal with; day by day, hour to hour, moment to moment. You have good days and bad days, and days that just don't have any meaning. But you keep on keeping on. Doing the best you can with what you've got. And sometimes what you've got is nothing. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you weird or abnormal. It's your normal. Your new normal. And we often wonder why we can't just "cheer up" like the people around us say. It's so simple but honestly. It's not like flipping a switch. It hurts, and it slows you down. It eats away at everything you hold dear until you're feel like nothing matters anymore. You find yourself drowning in anguish and despair and want it all to end. Not because you hate your life or the world around you, but because you just want the pain to end. And you find yourself asking "Why does this hurt so stinking much? Why can't I just be happy and smile like I used to? What's wrong with me?" And the answer is it hurts. It hurts because it matters. And the things that matter the most, the things that make us so happy we float on air, also hurt. Hurt more than any torture. More than anything. And depression, it's not something that just goes away. You learn to deal with it. Slowly. It becomes part of your routine. Eventually you manage to learn how to catch yourself, so you don't slip into the murky waters. But every now and then you slip, and you're back where you started. Cold. Angry. Tired. Even a nervous wreck sometimes. But it's not forever. You may not know when you'll recover, if at all, but it's not something you want to experience forever, so you keep moving. Some of us cope with art or writing, others search for comfort in the arms of a loved one, but whatever method we use, there's always days when nothing works. Today may be one of those days, or tomorrow, or the next, or the next. But it won't last forever. Because we're stronger than that. It's okay to be sad and lonely. It's okay to be angry and scared. It's okay to laugh, to cry, to want to be left alone. It's part of the process. And the so called "stages of grief" are not a linear path, one that you follow and eventually go through. You jump about over and over again sometimes in a split second. And no amount of medicine or "treatments" can fix that. You can try to deaden the feelings, but after a while you long to feel ANYTHING at all. It's a vicious cycle. One that just ruins your day, wastes your time, and confuses the heck out of those around you. But you didn't choose to be depressed. It just happens. And that's what we learn to deal with. Like anything. We learn. We're not sick. We just have some things we can't quite figure out. Each and every one of us, whether we're depressed, clinically depressed, or not...is broken. And we're all broken in different ways. And it's okay to be broken, because it's the cracks that make us who we are. The scars that we have, the burdens we bear. They're important to us. And it's easy to give up, to throw in the towel and be done with everything, but the true challenge is picking ourselves up again. Again and again.

I suffer from something people have named "depression". And honestly it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But it's something I'm living with. Like an annoying leaky faucet, or the creak of an old floor board that you just can't fix. I have good days, bad days, and even awful days where I just want to end it all. But I keep moving through it. I keep pushing through the pain because it's not something that goes away. Even if I died, the pain would still continue. It would hurt my family, my friends, loved ones, and many people around me. And I know that there are billions of people worse off than me. But I'm learning that I can't measure other people's pain with my measuring stick. So I try and be nicer to myself. Because hey, life's tough. And sometimes it's downright terrifying. I can't just say to myself, "It'll get better." or "Cheer up you have so much to live for" (which I do). And expect it to just magically "poof" the depression away. If anything sometimes that makes it worse. But I'm not gonna give up and let this plague, this monster destroy me. It hurts like hell and is a constant thorn in my side but it's not gonna get the better of me. I can't explain to you why, nor can I promise that everything is gonna be alright. But I know. I know that things will change. Nothing is forever. Not the stone in the sidewalk or the clouds in the sky but no matter what it will change. And with that change I'll adapt and learn how to handle my "new normal".

So don't forget, it WILL change. For better or for worse. It will change. And no matter what, have fun, be yourself, and live your life the way YOU want to.

Take care of yourselves, and stay safe.



~June