“I love you, Wesley," 

That's dumb. Wes is gonna freak out if I just tell him I love him, I do but I can't start with that. I gotta apologize first! Apologize for tellin' his daddy and… and lettin' the guys tease him these last couple years. I puff out my chest and put on a tough face.

“Eddie if you lay one paw on my boyfriend ever again I'll kick your ass!" Yeah. That'll show him. “Now apologize!" Yeah!

I'll protect him when we're boyfriends! No one will mess with my man.

If he wants to be my man after everything I've done.

“James Arthur Park, get your head right!" I can do this. Who knows when I'll get the chance again, or worse what if he gets a boyfriend in college? I crack open my little notebook and review my plan again to make sure it's perfect. 

STEP ONE. Find him at the range. He's been there a lot lately, practicin' for when he goes to college. My future boyfriend's the best shot in town, no, the state, maybe the country! I'm so proud of him. I shoulda told him that a long time ago. He's a crack-shot and smart!

I wish I were smart. I'm dumb, simple. If I weren't so simple maybe I wouldn't have ruined my chance last time.

STEP TWO. Take him someplace private, maybe the creek? He likes the creek. Then I can apologize and… and tell him I'm gay. That part scares the shit out of me, but if Wes agrees to be my boyfriend nothin' anyone else says matters. Then we'll come here and I'll tell Momma and Daddy–

“Momma, Daddy. Me n' Wes is boyfriends." It'll be much easier to say with Wes standing next to me. He's brave.

 Unlike me. I'm a coward, and Wes got hurt cause of it. Wesley wouldn't be all alone if I weren't a coward.

STEP THREE. Flowers or chocolates or somethin' nice, and then tell him I love him. Is that too much? What if he gets scared off, or still hates me? No, he'll forgive me. He's nice, he'll understand. He's intense, sometimes, but that's just 'cause he's under a lot of pressure from his Pa and the town with his schoolin' and shootin'. Everyone knows he's gonna be a big shot, someday.

I'm no one. Maybe I can be someone to Wes.

What if he doesn't forgive me? He has every right to be mad, I just hope he understands. I'm not like him, it's harder for me. He's going to college at the end of summer, and he's got all those trophies for shootin' and I'm just… some dumb bear. Some dumb, lovesick, bear.

He's just gotta forgive me.

When he says yes to be my boyfriend we go to STEP FOUR! I blush thinking of step four. Should I buy some condoms? I haven't been with anyone, I don't think he has, neither, maybe we could do it all natural? I'd like that, it makes my ears twitch and my tail wiggle when I think of Wes laying me down in the back of my truck beneath the stars, his lips pressed against mine, my legs wrapped around his waist while he makes love to me. So romantic!

That way he'll know that there's no foolin', no jokin', but that I really love him. I wonder what he'll taste like, how he'll smell while we're all tangled up together. What will it feel like? I bet Wes is real gentle, n' nice. He's probably a total stud! My cheeks feel warm as I imagine him taking me, making me his. His soft skin held tight against my fur. Like… Like… Uhh…

I should ask him to describe it when we're done. He's better with words than me. I bet he could make it sound like a poem. I never know what I should say, and I get that stutter when I'm nervous. Wes is always so confident.

He's just gotta forgive me then I'll be his.

I can't wait to see the look on his face! He's just gotta forgive me, then we can get together. Then everything will be perfect.

I gently place a paw on Wes' forehead. He's got stitches on the right side of his face and on his chin. His lip is all busted up but at least the wounds are clean now. He's already lookin' better! Not really. His left eye is still swollen.

“Dammit, Daddy." They shaved most of his beard for more stitches. He looks more like the boy I knew in High School. He's going to hate that.

The door opens. “Hey, Jim. I'm headin' out, but the doctor says you can stay."

“Really?" I smile.

“Yeah, I just told them you're his boyfriend." She laughs.

“Grace!" That sent butterflies into my stomach.

She walks across the room with a sad look in her eyes. “He's gonna be fine, Doctor said he's just beat up real bad. He can go home tomorrow, maybe the next day. S'just some stitches and bruises."

I rub my thumb over his not-scratched-up cheek. “S'all my fault."

Grace wraps her arms around my midsection. “No, it's not. I'll be back in the morning, Jim."

“Buhbye, Grace." I sit on the chair next to his hospital bed.

I watch him sleep. When I spent the night with him I would watch him breathe, it was the only time he ever seemed relaxed. It makes me feel good that he can relax like that with me, even if he is a little rough when we fool around.

You're just a hole, Jim.

I know he didn't mean it, but it still hurt really bad. He's just angry and he has a hard time telling people how he feels. I understand, took me my whole life to tell him I love him. I gotta make him apologize to me and Momma, though, or Daddy won't ever let him come around.

If he still wants to. I hope he does.

“None of this woulda happened if it weren't for me." I stroke his cheek. “Wesley, I let you down."

If I had just said it that day, if I hadn't been such a coward things would be different. If I had just stayed.

Wes has this look on his face whenever he shoots: he's so focused and he looks really cool in his leather jacket. Sexy, too. I should tell him that.

“Pull!" Someone yells and I hoot when Wes blows up two clay pigeons like it was nothing. He must have heard me, 'cause he gives me a strange look.

He smiles when I wave the Tupperware of food Momma gave me. Potato-chip tuna casserole, his favorite, no one could ever stay angry when they had some of Momma's cookin'! I figured he's too cool for flowers, and this is better than candy.

“Good job, Groves. Keep shootin' that way and you're going places." An instructor says.

“Thank you, sir." Wes doesn't look as proud as I think he should.

I cough.

“Hey, Jim, your Momma send you to bring me lunch?" He smiles politely and takes off his goggles and headphones.

His hair is messy and stuck to his ears with sweat, it's cute. “Uhm, kinda. Yeah."

“Your Mom is the best, Jim." He wastes no time digging into it. “Mmm, God. If it weren't for her me and Dad would starve."

My tail wiggles. Momma's gonna love havin' him around more. “You should come over more."

He raises an eyebrow.

“F-for dinner. With your Pa." My ears twitch. “Momma says so."

“What are you doing here?" Of course, he sees through me.

I put my cap to my chest. “I wanna talk to you, Wes."

He clicks the safety on his shotgun and sticks it in a nearby locker. “What about?"

“Can we go someplace private?" I ask.

A glance toward the shotgun. “Why."

“I just got some stuff to say and…It's private." I nod.

He leans against the building and stares. His deep brown eyes are so thoughtful, I wish I had a prettier word for them. Not like mine, I look goofy. Gunshots fill the air, adding to the tension. He finally makes eye contact and sighs. “Alright,"

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I could dance.

“But if you're fuckin' with me, Jim, I'll shoot you." 

I wring my hat.

“Coach, Me and Jim are goin' up to the hills to shoot some shit." Wes shouts.

“Be safe, and don't shoot no animals!" The old goat hollers.

“W-Wes you don't need to bring a gun," I chuckle.

His face is flat. “How am I gonna shoot you without a gun?"

My ears swivel at a nearby shot.

Wes finds another locker and quickly enters a combination before withdrawing an air pistol and a small, round, plastic container of bright-orange pellets. “Won't kill you, but it'll hurt like hell."

I swallow.

“Lead the way."

I carefully hold his hand, squeezing sometimes. I heard on TV once that unconscious people notice stuff like that and I want him to know I'm here. I want him to see I won't leave, this time. Why can't he see that?

I just wish we could go fishing, hunting, or camping together like we did before I fucked everything up. Maybe we won't ever be boyfriends, but can we at least be friends?

I squeeze his hand. Probably not, He's gonna leave as soon as he can. Especially after what Daddy did to him. Just like that summer, he left because of what I did to him. Because I'm just a big, dumb, lovesick, bear. He's just gotta see I changed. I told Momma and Daddy and to hell with everyone else! 

He's just gotta forgive me. I won't leave this time. This time I'll stay right here.

I throw a plastic soda bottle into the air, and with some fancy moves, Wes pops it just before it lands in the creek, sending it hurtling to the other side.

“Easy!" He laughs and I cheer.

My heart flutters seeing him smile when we're alone, I know he'll forgive me for sure now. I just need to get the words out. Easy, easier than that trickshot Wes just did. I can do it right now. Right this second.

Right now.

“What did you wanna talk about, or did you just wanna hang out?" Wes asks.

“Uhm, you excited for college?" I can just say it. He'll forgive me if I just say it.

He laughs. “Yeah? I am. Why do you care?"

“Jus' curious." Say it. “I–"

“We don't hang out much anymore," Wes says. “'Cept when your parents invite me and Dad over for dinner."

“Do–Do you wanna hang out more? With me." I ask.

“Maybe." It looks like he smiled!

“Jus' maybe?" I try to play it cool. “What about when you come to visit? From school, I mean. You'll visit, right?"

“Maybe I'll come back for holidays." He nods. “I can come over for Thanksgiving and stuff."

Yes! “Awesome!"

He looks at me funny again.

“I–Momma's gonna be so happy." My hats in my paw again. “Can we hang out? When you visit, I mean."

“Well, you've been kinda shitty to me, but not as bad as the other guys." He sits on a rock by the creek.

I sit across from him. “Wesley… Wes, I'm s-sorry."

He smiles. “Yeah?"

“I shouldn't have done what I did. I w-was a bad fr-friend." I'm so close now. I walk closer to him and crouch down so we're eye-to-eye. “I got so-somethin' to ask you."

His eyes widen. “Jim?"

“We-Wesley G-groves." I take a deep breath. Why is this so damn hard?!

“Are you okay?" He looks worried.

Say it! Daggumit! Say it! It's so hard, but if I don't say it now maybe I'll never get to. Even if he says no I just gotta know! Say it you stupid, lovesick, bear! “Wo-would you b-be my b-boyfriend?" 

Time stops.

“W-Wes?"

“Jim… I... are you serious?" He grabs my paw and squeezes. “Really?"

“Y-yes." I did it! I said it! I can tell by his big smile and the look in his pretty brown eyes he'll say yes. His hand feels so nice on my paw and now we're–

“We-Wesley? W-would you be my B-B-B-Boyfriend?" A nasally high-pitched mocking voice says.

No. Not now.

People start to laugh.

“Funniest shit I seen in my life, Park."

“Eddie!" I rip my paw from Wesley's hand. Why did I do that? “What're you doin' here?"

“Us? What about you." The red-furred fox asks with a cruel smile.

Standing on the other side of the creek just a dozen feet away is Eddie and some other guys from our high school class. They're ruining everything! I look back at Wes and he looks sad, hurt. No! I can fix this, I can just turn to Eddie and say–

“Nothin'. Just ran into Wesley while I was out n' about." Stupid!

“Jim?" His voice cracks behind me. I can't look at him. "Jim, I thought--"

“Really? Sure you ain't here on a date?" Eddie's tail whips behind him. 

“Give your boyfriend a kiss, Jim!" Someone laughs.

Another makes a kissy face. “Didn't know we had two fags in town."

Could I kiss him? He wanted to say yes, we could be boyfriends and then I can tell these guys to fuck off. That's what I'll do, they won't be laughing when I do, neither! They don't matter, Wesley matters.

“So Groves is your boyfriend now? You the girl, Park, or is he?" Eddie laughs.

My heart hurts. My vision gets blurry, what do I do? The plan, I– I stick to the plan.

“He ain't m-my boyfriend! I'm no F-faggot." Coward. “I was just jokin'." Big, dumb, stupid, coward!

An elbow is jammed into my back and I fall forward. “Fuck you, Jim, fuck you!"

My knees buckle and I grunt as I scrape against the rocks.

“Fuck you!" I hear a click and a painful sting on my neck. “If I ever see you again I'll fucking kill you!" Another click and more stinging.

He shot me! Looking back at him makes me sick, his eyes are so sad. 

Before I can stop them, Eddie and the guys chase after him.

More clicks and some cursing tells me he's shooting pellets at them, but it doesn't take long until they catch him. I can get up, protect him! Make Eddie apologize just like I planned, I can do it!

“Get off!" Wes shouts.

I should help him, I can protect him and make this right.

Fists, feet, and hooves thud against flesh.

“Not so tough without a gun, huh queer?"

I look at Wes, he's on the ground. He glances at me, for a second he looks hopeful but it's replaced by anger. Anger and hate, all for me.

I reach out to him, I try to make him understand. If I just say it: I love you, Wesley. Why can't I say it? I Iove you, Wesley! He has to understand he–

“That's all you got, pussy?!" Wes glares up at one of the guys as he's held with his arms behind his back. He doesn't cry as someone's fist slams into his gut.

He's so brave.

Not like me.

“Wesley," Say it! “I-I'm so-sorry!" It's barely a whisper. “I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I sob into the rocks.

My breathing is all messed up, my heart hurts, I– I have to go, run! Before I know it, I'm back in my truck driving away. I left him there, oh God! I slam the steering wheel. No! No! I ruined everything, again!

Why did they have to show up? If it was just us I could do it but I–I can't! I left him but he'll… he'll understand. I have to find him. He always runs to the old camp, he doesn't know I know. I'll go and make him understand.

He's just gotta understand.

My head rests next to his hand now. I wanna kiss it, I wanna kiss him. I should have kissed him right there in front of all the guys. When he wakes up I'll tell him everything, like I should have. Maybe I can still make things right between us, somehow. It's getting late, I need coffee or somethin'.

Just as I stand I feel fingers wrap around my paw.

“Jim…" Wes' voice is weak.

“Wesley!"

“My face is cold."

“They shaved you for, uh, the stitches."

He groans. “How do I look?"

“You look mighty handsome." I squeeze his hand. "Badass!"

“I probably look twelve, Jim." He looks at me with his good eye, the other is still swollen.

Something about the look in his eye really hurts, it reminds me of that day.

His face scrunches up. “Jim." His lip quivers and shakes. “Jim," He brings my paw to his lips and kisses it gently.

“What's wrong, Wes? Please, tell me."

He shakes his head. “Nothing's wrong." 

I press my muzzle against his cheek.

“I'm just so glad you stayed."

I sit at the foot of the old crane that Wes always hides in when he's having a bad day. He'll be here any minute and then I can make it right. He's just gotta be here. When he gets here I'll explain everything and make him understand.

He'll be here any minute.

I go back the next day, I just know he'll be back.

His Pa said he left, went to stay with his momma but–but he'll be back.

So I go back the next day.

I go back every day and sit in his spot, so he knows where to find me.

One day his Pa tells me he thinks I'd be good for Wes. That'll help him understand!

I just need to stay right here and wait. He'll be back.

And I'll be here. I'll stay right here.

Author Notes: This is, hopefully obviously, from Jims perspective! 

I promise they get down and dirty after this I got really carried away with the trauma and emotions I'm having way too much fun but the second half of this story is more light-hearted!