Although the average furry convention can be Heaven to most, for the ill-prepared, it can be Hell on Earth to endure. Abandon all hope ye who enter a convention center without knowing what awaits them on the path ahead. Much like the first third of Dante’s Divine Comedy, furry conventions can be divided into nine circles of damnation.

            The First Circle of Hell is designated as Limbo, consisting of endless registration lines. Everyone is neither attending a furry convention, nor are they not. Imagine standing at the back end of the pre-registration line, waiting for an hour or two until you are told that not only did you not pre-register, but you will have to start all over again in the on-site registration line. Alas though! In the time it has taken to learn this crucial information, the on-site line has grown ten times larger than it was the moment you began waiting that morning. Little by little, it whittles down, with attendees sluggishly sitting or leaning against cold pillars like zombies once their electronics have lost all battery charge during the long wait. By the time it is afternoon, the lines go outside of the massive structure and stretch out for blocks. Sometimes, someone will be too dazed or distracted by their electronics to realize the line has moved and need to be reminded by an outsider. Unfortunately for them, it will always be the wrong line.

            The Second Circle of Hell is designated as Lust. Sex is aplenty for those who desire it, but every potential hookup either cannot host inside their hotel rooms or all participants are a top or bottom. There are no variations in preferences that can work. Also, attendees yearn to go inside the 18+ section of the Dealer’s Den, but the staff members won’t let them in because they lost their identification card. Then, there are the hookups who ghost you the moment photos are exchanged, and those guilty of such actions will be forced to face the same behavior from others.

            The Third Circle of Hell is designated as Gluttony. Within the hotels and surrounding restaurants, all of the food is mediocre at best and overpriced at worst, with lines long enough to rival the first circle. However, the wicked punished in the circle are doomed to carry too many bags or backpacks filled to the brim and overflowing with souvenirs. Beware of breaking your own back, watching where you step, lest you drop a framed artwork you did not need, or being forced to purchase a secondary suitcase to carry everything purchased throughout the convention.

            The Fourth Circle of Hell is designated as Greed. The average furry convention is a world of commerce, but attendees and convention goers spend money they do not have on items they sometimes do not or cannot have. Supply and demand are fickle things, however. For those trapped in this circle, each time someone purchases a wonderful product in the Dealer’s Den, the price rises, but people cannot stop themselves from purchasing again and again and again until they are completely broke. They will return from the convention either in debt or demanding more. Popufurs who are vain and greedy, thinking their popularity and swelling fanbase will fund their lavish lifestyle forever, will be doomed to always be given the worst vendor location imaginable. They will also always have a net loss for each convention and be swallowed up by the overflowing items they couldn’t sell, every trip only growing larger and larger until whole rooms are filled with boxes.

            The Fifth Circle of Hell is designated as Wrath. This circle is reserved for the distant and obsessive. Imagine whole tables and crowded hallways full of attendees glued onto their addictive electronics, obsessed social media regarding politics, religion, and fandom drama. All are too distracted to simply put them away and enjoy the convention, and as punishment, find themselves blinded to the simplest enjoyments. All of it passes by in a flash before your eyes. After all, why take pictures of fantastical fursuits, spend time with friends, or hug a costumed animal with joyful personality when you can doomscroll for eight hours?

            The Sixth Circle of Hell is designated as Heresy. This is a special circle reserved for traitors to the fandom, plus the convention goers who mistake decency for dickishness. The attendees who wear a MAGA hat or a Trump 2024 shirt and casually walk around the convention will be cursed to never be accepted among their peers. The same punishment is given to the protesters who walk outside the convention grounds, chanting how those inside are abominations, when they are too. Those trapped in the Circle of Heresy cannot be embraced by the fandom or those who condemn it. Imprisoned between two opposite realms, they are destined to be exiled by everyone in either world.  

            The Seventh Circle of Hell is designated as Violence. Some in the Circles of Wrath and Heresy will transcend to the seventh realm when they take things too far. The destruction of hotels and convention center property will never be tolerated, especially by those responsible for hosting the convention itself. Nobody will find disabled fire alarms, littered hallways, or ruined hotel rooms and con rooms as amusing as the poor janitors or owners. Those guilty of such vandalism, as well as the sinful few responsible for harassment and misconduct, will be shamefully dragged out of the hotel into a police car, then released and dragged back to the police car again. During which, they will be jeered and shouted at by other attendees in a seemingly infinite loop of time. Specifically, those guilty of sexual harassment in particular will find themselves sexted by a creepy weirdo on their electronics for all eternity. As for the brawlers, those who get themselves into fisticuffs with others will be trapped in an endless fistfight that destroys their property, hurts the people they love, and ruins what little things they have. They won’t know until it’s all too late.

            The Eighth Circle of Hell is designated as Fraud. One section of this circle is reserved for the attendees and convention goers who steal everything: items from the Dealer’s Den, the Artist Alley, and from the other hotel guests. Woe be they who hide their true, darker selves from their fellow furries! Their eternal punishment is to become incorporeal, unseen figures within the fandom and at every convention. They can neither interact with others nor enjoy their spoils. In a separate section of the Eighth Circle, reserved for the staff members who take advantage of the kindness of attendees, their punishment is to be infamous, always-seen figures. No matter how much they try to hide or go dark on the Internet, no deceitful organizer or member of con staff can escape their sins! Be they at work, within a crowd, or on a private Facebook page, everyone knows what they did, and they can never work at another furry convention ever again.

            And finally, the Ninth Circle of Hell is designated as Betrayal, the gravest sin! Furries who betray their loved ones, whether it be posting revenge porn on a (ex-)partner, doxing someone they disagree with, or simply sabotaging the convention itself, are considered the worst sinner of all. Their punishment? The sinners will find themselves not only on the blacklist of all furry conventions around the world, but they will find their own private lives sabotaged too. On the night before an important trip in the morning, their alarms will not go off. Their modes of transportation will always break down on the way to work. Their home will lose power just before they click the save button on an important Word document. Someone will always interrupt an important conversation you’ll have with a family, friend, or loved one! Then, there is the betrayal of those from outside the fandom, to the ‘normies’ who videotape furry parties or convention panels without permission, as well as use photographs of fursuiters without permission for their articles. The eternal torment of these sinner are to endure a never-ending livestream from video cameras they cannot see.

Lastly, the final section of the Ninth Circle is reserved for the monsters who spend most of their con experience treating the organizers and staff of a furry convention as if they are retail workers. Their eternal punishment is to not only get blacklisted, not only banned from furry websites, but also be stuck with a Karen haircut that cannot be cut by the sharpest blade. Also, they will be forced to assist with cleaning up after each furry convention in the world.

Thus, these are the Nine Circle of Hell at a Furry Convention!