Waking up amongst the rubble of the deep underground, Oddclaw pulled himself free from the silted slide of coarse rocks and fine grain earth that cushioned his fall seeing a deep spacious cavern all around him.  The scent of his friends seemed to disappear off towards the only passage that laid before him as he made certain nothing was broken before lifting himself free.

        "Jeremy?!  Sam!?  Max, hello?!"

Sliding down the slope of rubble to hit the cavern's floor, the raptor walked on towards the giant maw of the depths.  The deep sunset cave walls appeared to be rather smooth, too precise to be that of any natural formations, following the most strange of odours that made him think of musty dried-out bones somewhere within the place.  The further he walked the more he soon realised that the bones were not so long forgotten, seeing the ancient fossils of creatures long before him now embedded into the wall.

        "What ARE these?" he whispered to himself.  "Are they smallwings or...no, some of them are fish...they are all fish, surely."

Fossils now blackened by imprints of the dirt long faded over time made him also smell the same salty stench of the sea as he noticed the various tan lines of the cave wall turning brighter as it went higher.  He took a moment to watch with fascination at the frozen scene laid out transfixed before him, of a small fish's journey through life amongst coral reefs and kelp plants, plants mummified within the harsh stone as he started walking along the path of the fish.

        "How did the fish even come near the skylands?  ...this...this must have been a cave under the sea before.  But how...did they die inside this stone?"

The simple scenes of aquatic life played out onwards before his eyes, swimming skeletal beasts with hollow eyes and smiling teeth to match their rigid bony fins.  At first it was almost pleasant for Oddie to watch, like a still movie of serene creatures in the last moments of their life before whatever death they had come to embrace.  But then he reached the end and found something more unusual.  The wall had slanted with a deep line and now became a wholly different colour, starkly contrasting from a sweet blood orange to a harsh spackled grey.  The fossils were now replaced by odd inscriptions and carvings that he had never seen in his life.

        "Wh-what?  This...this is not natural...these were made by something...it...almost looks like...what the hairless make."

Runes dotted the length of the tunnel's second half showing human figures in various forms of life, dancing, singing, making love and laughing with family.  There seemed to be many of them at one time, worshipping the sun and the moon in the sky clearly marked by a full circle and a thin crescent sliver over the passing of days.  They celebrated life, they worshipped births as a miracle and sang songs upon one's death as not the end of a journey, but the beginning of a new one.  Then it suddenly stopped.  The last carvings showed something much different in nature.

The people were suddenly bowing to something, laying upon the grounds and offering their children to something not human.  A beast Oddclaw could not recognise with claws that pierced the sky and ripped the sun apart, devouring the world in a sea of blood.  Hundreds of bodies floated face down in the "water", which Oddclaw smelt as being actual blood somehow etched into the rock walls.  The smell of fear permeated this place as the further he went in, the more terrified he became until he heard voices familiar.

        "Can't've gone far dab."

        "He better not have, he knows he's not allowed to be out on his own!"

        "Whut is he, sum kinda sponsored kid or summat?!"

        "Max is special, in more ways than one."

        "JEREMY!"

The raptor hurried into the next largest room finding Holt and Sam standing around looking at the ceiling.  The soldier waved back to him whilst the dog remained oblivious in scanning around the room.  The very centre of the room however had a mysterious shrine in the form of a raised platform carved out of jade stone, with four torches standing around a height of nine feet faintly flickering to illuminate a sphere glowing the purest silver.  There appeared to be no sign of a way out despite the dog's constant pacing as he rubbed his fingers across the walls.

        "Alrigh' Odd?" said Holt in attempted cheer, "sorry for leavin' ya behind, we can't find Max or that toadie fuck anywhere."

        "Musta taken him before we woke up," muttered Sam, "Max may be wiry but he's small and light, like a conceal-carry."

        "Do you know what the things on that wall are?" asked Odd pointing towards the bloodied sea.

        "No idea," shrugged Jeremy walking over for a closer look, "this whole place must be some sorta ruin."

        "I have never seen anything like this.  No creature of my world would make this."

        "That shrine over there looks none too comfy."  He turned his head towards the eerily-well designed platform and its shimmering orb.  "Any idea whut it is?"

        "No."  Oddclaw tried to walk closer but found himself fearful to move even a single claw.  "It...i-it smells like...fear."

        "Really?" asked Holt.

        "Yes.  The walls they smell like fear too...what is inside it?"

        "No idea.  Reminds me of that Carter expedition, you ever heard of that?"

        "Yea-yeah British guy found a tomb," said Sam waving a dismissive hand, "died a horrible curse with everyone else, get with the times old man."

        "What was this toom?" asked Oddclaw turning towards Holt.

        "Us humans," began Jeremy, "we try to find out stuff that people like us left behind some many years ago, so we get a better understandin' of whut we are.  This one guy Carver found this tomb, which is whut we call a very old ruin like this, where someone important wuz buried."

        "Because they died?"

        "Right.  How someone is buried tells us a lot about thuh people an' how they respected him.  But when Carter opened this tomb, him an' several people died mysterious deaths and it came to be known as a curse, which is whut we call a bad...aura of someplace that if anyone enters will find ways to kill them, wound them or drive them insane."

        "Does this place have a curse?" asked the raptor looking fearfully around him.

        "Ah dunno dab," replied Jeremy wrapping his arms round himself, "but this place shouldn't exist in your world."

        "Says the guy who got dragged out of Nazi Germany and into prehistoric times."

The dog turned finally towards them with a tired look in his eyes, haggard and bloodshot with his fists clenching up until his arms shook.

        "Are you feelin' alright Sam?" asked Oddie.

        "Oh I'm just PEACHY," snarled the mutt, "stuck underground with some old queer and his soy-boy-o-saurus it's just great."

        "Ey-ey now less o' that mate," said Jeremy, "we're all stuck 'ere now an' thuh last thing we wanna do is lose our 'eads-"

        "IT'S HEADS, HHHHHERE, ON YOUR HHHHHHHHEAD, GOD could you for ONCE speak English like a normal person or is that gay lisp of yours getting in the way?!"

        "Wha-...wot thuh fuck are you on about Sam?!"

        "Just shut up and let me find a way out alright?!  Unless you got any bright ideas."

The canine turned back to feel along the walls as Jeremy felt an insulted shock sting his heart with Oddclaw leaning close to him.

        "Max said that Sam has been acting odd."

        "He sure 'as," muttered Holt, "ah mean we only known him fer a few days but you see thuh way he wuz actin' with that fat bastard before?"

        "Yes, but Max says he...um...he says things he would never say."

        "Like whut?"

        "Um...s-soo-is-side jokes."

        "Whuh?  Ohhhh ah don't like that, not one bit."

        "What do we do?"

        "...keep close to me."

Jeremy walked over towards Sam, nearing the shrine with its constant hum as the sphere gently floated oblivious to their presence.  The seething glow of the totems gave Sam a shadowed look as he turned once more to see the human and raptor close.

        "What in my hill are you doing?"

        "Just checkin' if you're alright dab," said Jeremy softly.

        "I'm not your dab, grandpa, why don't you find someone your age to molest?"

        "Whussa matter with you?  Yer not normally like this."

        "Oh I'm sorry, I'm just a little upset because my li'l buddy's gotten KIDNAPPED, so maybe you'd like to back off or else I'll make you suck the end of my revolver, which I bet you got a lotta experience with!"

        "WOAH WOAH woooaaah...you don' talk like that to me, no man nor beast ever talks like that to me."

        "Man?  MAAAN-ZHRRHT!"

He suddenly twitched his head to the left before stomping towards Jeremy with a clenched jaw and fists that shook even further with rage.

        "You think just because I wear a SUIT and tie, that I'm male?!  What if I wasn't huh?!  What if I was just forced to convene to society's patriarchal standards, because of this body I was born with, YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT YOU CIS-HET SCUM!?"

        "Wha-wha-wh-whut the FUCK are you on about?!"

        "OH, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WOULDN'T YOU?!  NO, OF COURSE NOT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SUFFER LIKE I HAVE!  Always in this damn SUIT they make me wear-ZHHHRRT-and another thing!"  His head violently jerked right.  "Everywhere I go I see all these useless cucks everywhere, women dragging them by the arm like little PETS that can't think for themselves anymore, like mommy's little incels and I CAN'T STAND IT!"

At this point Oddclaw could smell something new awakening within Sam.  A horrid acrid scent, of an insufferable rage he had only ever smelt twice before in his life.  It frightened him, but all the more this time it disturbed him knowing it was not a natural scent.  It smelt artificial, plastic and burning as he pulled Jeremy's arm back to whisper his warning to him.

        "Something is wrong-"

        "I know," said the soldier as he slowly reached for his shotgun.  "Sam...best you calm yerself-AAGH!"

        "JEREMY!"

The dog quick-fired with a boxing glove/golf-ball retriever that slampunched out of his coat pocket, extending out to whallop Jeremy in the face and knock him down whilst his other hand reached for his revolver.

        "Thought you could get one-up on me huh?!  Not me, I'm a higher level than you punks, enlightened enough to see you fer what you truly are."

        "Sam, please we are trying to help you!" pleaded Odd.

        "Oh SURE, help me with your fascist agenda with your white knight friend over there-KZHZHH-I'm sick of you, ALL OF YOU!  Foreigners taking my JOB-KZZZH-and you cis scum with your TOXIC hetero agenda-ZZRRRT-FEMINISTS RUINING ALL MY JOKES TO THE POINT THAT IT'S TOO SEXIST, TO EVEN LAUGH AT ANYTHING ANYMORE!"

Holt staggered himself back up with Oddie's help as they stepped away from the maddening dog.  They made one last attempt to calm his state but before they could even speak Sam started shooting at them with shaking hand forcing them to dodge.

        "SAM, PLEASE WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS!" cried the raptor.

        "FRIENDS?!  FRIENDS?!"

The wolfhound grabbed his coat and swept it from his body, loosening his tie and revealing a pair of burly forearms tightened with muscle.

        "I don't got any friends, not in this cuckhanded world that makes it a CRIME to be a MAN, thanks to you-KHHZHZH-WORTHLESS BABY BOOMERS THAT RUINED MY FUTURE!"

Firing off once again, both his assailants ducked and instinctively reached for their weapons in turn before realising.

        "NO!" cried Oddclaw.  "We cannot kill him!"

        "Yer right," conceded Holt, "you said summat wuz wrong with him righ'?"

        "Yes, we need to make him tired and take his gun!"

        "NOBODY'S TAKIN' MY GUN!" roared Sam.  "THIS IS MY GOD-GIVEN RIGHT YOU TERRORIST SCUM!"

Their saving grace from being wounded directly was the dog's quivering hand combined with the slow-firing pace of his revolver.  Oddclaw waited between shots for a chance to make a flying leap, slamming his feet into Sam's chest and knocking him down to grab his gun.  But Sam was much stronger than Oddclaw anticipated despite his flabby gut, slamming a fierce left hook into the raptor's snout to throw him off before pistol-whipping him hard in the skull.

        "AAAAGH!"

        "HOWSIT FEEL RODNEY?!  YA LIKE THAT?!  YOU LIKE THAT YOU SUNUVABITCH!?"

        "GET OFF 'IM!"

Holt came roaring from the side to slam into the thick-bellied mutt, bowling him hard to the side and smacking the gun away before straddling his chest and punching him thrice across the face.  Sam countered the fourth with a horrid bite of his canine teeth around Jeremy's fist before slamming his fist into the soldier's jaw to bowl him over.  Both men pushed themselves to their feet, Sam smacking the side of his head like a broken TV trying to get a signal.

        "YOU-H-HNNNGHKH!  You're just an old racist that can't move on from the 40s, just like Disney!"

        "Wot?!"

        "THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A SINGLE PERSON OF COLOUR IN ANY OF THEIR MOVIES NOW HOW DO YA EXPLAIN THAT?!"

        "THAT'S NOT TRUE YOU STUPID TWAT, YER JUST MAKIN' STUFF UP TO BE ANGRY ABOUT!"

        "GRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRGH!"

Forgetting completely about his revolver, Sam rushed at the war veteran almost frothing at the teeth.  The soldier dodged with a gutblow vicious into the dog's stomach to try and slow him down, but Sam resisted the blow with an ab-tightening heave to grab Jeremy's shoulders and toss him against the wall of the bloodied sea.  The stone cracked against Holt's back, causing some of the pieces to fall off as he groaned with a red smear on his back.

        "F-f-fuck...yer a bear of a bastard arentcha?"

The dog came rampaging towards him, picking him up off the floor to slam his head and back against the wall once more and ready himself for a monstrous punch.  But then there came a shriek from behind as Oddclaw grabbed for Sam's throat in pulling him back hard to overbalance him down to the floor.  Jeremy staggered off with a dizzying headache whilst the raptor stood ready and waiting between Sam and the wall, the hound suddenly grabbing his head with a gasping sobbing whimper.

        "You...filthy little savage-KZZZZHT-N-NNNNNGH!"

        "Sam, I know something is wrong!" pleaded Oddie.  "Stop fighting, please, just stop, something is hurting you I can stop it!"

        "HELP!?  Y-you...you say you wanna help me, then you beat my ass to the floor?!  S-SO MUCH for...the tolerant LEFT!"

He swung out a brutal punch that Oddclaw just barely dodged from its path and away from him, knuckles crunching against the stone wall in ruining the rest of the blood-sea mosaic, shattering moist red pieces of slate upon the dirt as Sam stomped all over them into tiny fragments.  The raptor noticed Holt looking winded and cried:

        "JEREMY, JEREMY ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!"

        "I'M FINE DAB I'LL JUS' WALK IT OFF!"

        "OH WALK IT OFF?!" shouted Sam turning to Holt.  "YOU GODDAMN ABLEIST HOW DARE YOU?!"

        "YOU HAVE LEGS SHUT YER FACE!"

        "YEAH BUT IF I DIDN'T IT WOULD BE WRONG FER YOU TO SAY THAT SO CHECK, YOUR GOD DAMN PRIVILEGE!"

He tried to run towards Holt but Oddie grabbed his shirt and yanked him back causing him to fall slipping on the sand.  He turned himself on his back and booted the raptor hard in the stomach, his strong large foot punching him backwards with a gasping heave as the furious beast pushed himself back up to attack.  Oddie ducked the first two furry fists that came left and right, strafing round the horrendous uppercut before Sam clapped his hands hard on the raptor's cheeks, slapping his earholes hard with a stinging blast that dazed him briefly.  Sam shoved him against one of the torch-sconced pillars with a snarling grin and two fists ready to punch.

        "I'm gonna tell you two words, punk.  MERRY.  CHRISTMAS."  He punched right after each word hard to blacken the raptor's eye.  "And no matter WHAT you do, there ain't nobody out there who's ever gonna tell me not to say it, so shove yer happy holidays CRAP!  Right!  NOW-AAAARGH!"

His third punch was interrupted by a vicious bite from Oddie, chomping on his arm and snapping down to pierce the furry flesh as Sam flustered in a panic to try and pummel him with his other hand.  But the raptor jerked hard and back to avoid the swing with its limited range to Sam's side, which in turn pulled the wolfhound hard enough to fall over as Oddclaw released his arm to send him tumbling across the dirt with his hat falling off his head.  Holt managed to catch his second wind and carefully walked back towards the fight asking:

        "Sam, please, cummon now dab we've 'ad enough we know yer not like this-"

        "SHUT UP PAPA JOHN," he barked, "WHY DONTCHA TAKE ALL YOUR ALT-RIGHT FRIENDS AND-KHHZZZHHT-TELL THEM TO SHOVE THEIR SHAKIRA LAW RIGHT UP THEIR ASS, THOSE ARE MY AMERICAN DONUTS!"

        "Yer not makin' any sense jus' CALM DOWN fer fuck's sake!"

        "YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN!?  I'LL CALM DOWN WHEN PEOPLE STOP CULTURALLY-APPROPRIATING-KHZHHZHH-A-AAAA-THE FEMINAZI S-S-STOLE, MY, I-ICE CREA-ZHZHHRRT-A-AAAAAAAAARGH!"

The dog slammed his head into the dirt, several times with ruthless thumping force until finally lifting his face towards them.  His voice became plaintive, soft and whimpering with interspersed snarls of gnashing teeth.

        "H-h-help...help me-ZZRRRT-cuckheaded GLOBALIST-KZZZZH-Max, h-h-help me, m-make it stop!"

        "Wh-what is-"

        "THERE!"  Oddclaw pointed towards a small beeping metal disc just below Sam's drooping dog ear.  "That thing must be it!"

        "M-m-max, Max l-little buddy d-don't, don't leave me again!"

        "Sam we know what to do, just be still!"

        "H-h-hate, whispering, h-h-hurts!  B-brain is...d-dying, the b-brain is dying it  HURTS!  IT HURTS MAAAAX!  MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!"

With howling scream he clawed at the back of his neck in violent fits with the brief break of sanity he managed to force.  The two rushed him to try and pin him down together, but Sam burst free with unholy force before swinging his punches like a wounded ape, stomping and screeching with eyes burning raw in tears.

        "STOP, S-STOP, STOOOOOOOOOOP!"

He clutched his eyes in a shrieking sob and fell onto his knees as the hatred intensified, glowing harder beneath his left ear amidst whimpering barks as Holt grabbed his head, with Oddie pinching the flesh that the metal dot buried itself in.  With wrenching twisting claws he managed to tug it free amidst Sam's bawling panicked cries of distress, the thin metal instrument revealed to be a 4-inch device reminiscent of a non-microscopic virus.  The moment the sliver was pulled from his head Sam finally stopped, slumping over onto his hands and knees with dripping nose and squinting eyes.

        "HHHHHH!  HRRHHHHH!  GUHHHHH!"

        "You alright?!" asked Holt keeping his distance in case.

        "GUH...g-g-guh...that...th-that was worse than...than...an all-night special of Andrew Dice Clay."

        "Are you...SURE yer alright, cuz you sounded lahk you were in agony!"

        "Oh that?  That was me transferring what little semblance I had of my coherent thoughts into uh...r-reading lines from my fan-based sequel of Arthur Miller's seminal play 'A View from the Bridge'."

The dog slowly stumbled onto his feet with eyes flickering in a haze, his mind now lighter and free like someone's jaw after an ingrowing wisdom tooth was removed.

        "The only thing that could...calm me down in that instance of artificial hatred was...w-was, getting all excited for when I would get back home and show Max my ideas of dialogue from the viewpoint of a worm living in Eddie Carbone's self-inflicted stab wound.  Spoilers for those who haven't read the play."

        "Huh..." Jeremy had no response other than a slow blink.  "Well uh, you SOUND better at least, whut on earth happened?!"

        "I don't know!  I just felt so angry since this morning and my head was all stuffy and sick, like someone else's thoughts were filling up and this noise was burning my skull inside like that time I tried to read Hillary Clinton's latest book!"

        "I think it was this," said Oddie showing the viral piece, "it was buried in your head."

        "Huh?!  L-lemme see that."

He carefully handed it over as Sam investigated it cautiously.  Peering at the device within his brown sausage fingers the mutt sniffed at the odd tool to catch a whiff of something rancid.

        "Huh, you're right Odd, this definitely was the thing that drove me bonkers."

        "Because it smells bad?" asked the raptor.

        "More than bad, it smells like hatred.  Coarse untempered belligerent hate like the smell of online social media!"

        "How did it get in your head?"

        "No idea, hand me my hat wouldya?  ...wait."  When Oddclaw handed him his hat he sniffed the inside and detected the same scent.  "Great gravy in the morning, that must be it, someone snuck this viral meme of metal into my hat!"

        "But who?" asked Odd.

        "I don't know, nobody touches my hat, not even Max, except that time it fell off at the pagoda an-..."  Sam clicked his fingers.  "Sum Dum Goy!"

        "OH yeah that twat," said Holt waving his finger in remembering, "he musta snuck summat in!"

        "We have to be close, if they're trying to sabotage our efforts then we can't be far from the villain's lair!"

        "They musta taken Max too to try an' stop ya."

        "Let's try and find a way out, we have to get to this canyon, what was it called again?

        "The Jaws of the Earth," said the raptor, "but you cannot cross it.  My tribe came to our new home years ago when we crossed over the Jaws, but now we cannot return."

        "Why, you lose your parking tickets?" asked Sam straightening his hat with a small flick at the front.

        "No, the stone we used to cross fell down into the Jaws.  There is no way to cross except for climbing."

        "Good thing I got me some rope and a grappling hook in my inventory."  The dog walked over to pick up his coat and revolver before smoothing out his tie.  "You never know when it might be useful."

        "How many piles o' crap you even 'ave in that coat?!" asked Holt straightening his back with a gentle creak.

        "Enough to fill out an adventure with the most reacharound means of solving arbitrary obstacles."

He then stopped speaking for a minute looking straight towards both human and raptor who stared at him back wordlessly.  Sam remembered himself and spoke with a muted bleat.

        "S-sorry...Max normally has a response to that sorta thing and I just sorta...expected to hear him."

The realisation of his friend now missing started to hit Sam hard as he grasped his arm with a gentle rub.  His hand shook as Oddclaw could smell a certain fear emanating from him before he walked over and held his fingers softly.

        "We will find Max, Sam.  Do not fear, we will not stop until we do."

        "Heh...thanks, Oddclaw."  The raptor smiled warmly which lit up Sam's face with a renewed sense of purpose.  "Yanno, the way you act around me and Max even though we've only known each other for less than three days sorta reminds of sumthin'."

        "Of what?"

        "You're a lot better than your dad was, kid."

        "I...I am?"

        "Sure are.  Lemme tell ya sumthin'."  Sam placed a hand firmly on Oddie's shoulder.  "Your dad was havin' a bad time, an' he wasn't always at his best.  But he tried his best...just like you."

        "What...I do not un-derstand."

        "If you're worried about livin' up to your dad because he's some great hero of your family, don't.  You're a good kid, you've been doin' a lot to try and help me along with Max, so listen to me.  Your friends and family now, right here, they made you who you are, not your father.  And because of that, you're already better than he was."

        "I...I-i-i-i...th-thank you."  Oddclaw almost broke in tears until he hugged Sam tightly round his pudgy waist.  "Th-th-thank you...I am...I am honoured to hear that Sam, from...from someone who met and fought alongside my father t-to say that...thank you."

        "Heheh, i-it's fine, but uh couldya let go now, I don't want reptile snot on my jacket."

The raptor released with a smiling sniffle as he nodded and brushed the tears from his eyes.  They then set themselves to work checking the walls to try and find some sort of exit from the cavern as the sphere of silver quietly ruminated with its four torches casting shadows upon the roof.

        "Do we know what that even does?" the raptor asked pointing at the sphere."

        "No," said Sam, "and we better not touch it, let your scientists figure that one out, for all we know it'll give us incentive for more wacky comical disturbing japes like switch bodies or swap genders or maybe even just turn us into tiny infants.  Normally I'd have no problem with that but we got no time for more shenanigans."

        "Oof that'd be frightenin'," said Holt leaning against a wall, "me an' Oddie as women, ah mean that'd ruin our fun we haaa-wauuh-WAAAAAAH!"

        "JEREMY!"

Turning towards Holt's scream they saw him falling over backwards into a large sunken section of the wall which rotated like the bookcase of a spooky mansion.  Sam smiled with surprise before him and Oddie pulled the human up.

        "Good gravy-covered great danes of genetical inbreeding, you found the way through!"

        "You wot?!"  Jeremy dusted himself before looking at the wall revolved.  "Huh...well, that were convenient."

        "Never question good luck, now come on let's end this villain's scheme!"

As they left the strange ruin behind, the door closed behind them to set itself back to its proper place.  Beyond them was a dark labyrinthine set of tunnels where only the sun would illuminate through pock-marked shafts of the ceiling.  The red sunset-shaded walls of the caverns gave a soothing element as they kept each other close, weapons out and primed for anything as they walked a good mile of turning twists before finding something frightening.

        "Oh CHRIST!"

        "Wh-what are those?!"

        "Awww jeez," muttered Sam, "not zombies again."

Shambling gum-toothed beasts of emaciated chests and bony legs with odd-shaped human faces dried out and withered against their skulls, there now started a mass of undead creatures, humans of green and greyish-blue having rotted most of their organs out.  The stench of the crypt wafted from them as Oddclaw backed up with anxious sneer, but Sam took the first shot in firing through one of their skulls to send a brittle spatter of black-and-white paint onto the walls.

        "They're the same as the other punks we fought, come on!"

        "B-but, ZOMBIES!" cried Jeremy.

        "What, you never fought the living dead before?!"

        "Uh, NO?!"

        "Just aim fer the head an' make sure they don't bite ya, not even once, now come on let's make like a politician and dodge like we never dodged before!"

With guns out ablazing the three went barging through the zombie horde with guns blasting gooey skulls apart in a haze of monochrome spew across their vision.  The hot static sizzled against their skin and scales as both Oddie and Holt kept check on each other, covering fire whilst the other had to reload their shotgun with new shells.  Sam surprisingly never reloaded his weapon once in always firing methodically, piercing shots bursting skulls open as they cut a deadly swathe through the teeming tunnels.

The raptor and human pooled their ammo together to make certain they would not run out, letting Sam handle the majority of it with his seemingly-infinite number of bullets.  Keeping a steady distance, they also made sure to keep away from any openings under the watchful dog's instructions, coming close more than once to the fretful clutching fingers of dismembered hands trying to snatch out and grope their faces like hairless tarantulas.  And that was not including the zombie's heads who sometimes came without a body, rolling and hopping to try and bite at their feet, or even just pairs of legs trying to stagger and kick the intruders down.

        "Fuck's SAKE!" shouted Holt between shotgun blasts.  "Aliens were one thin' but zombies are just fuckin' buzzing!"

        "I do not like zombees," said Oddclaw ducking to fire at a bodyless beast, "they smell like death."

        "Well they ARE dead!"

        "But they are MOVING, you cannot move when you are dead!"

        "People said you couldn't travel back in time but here I am Odd."

        "LOOK OUT!"

The raptor slapped a deadly hand away from Jeremy's shoulder, fiendishly gripping with bone-idle fingers towards his neck as he crunched it against the wall.  Further on they went with cutting swathes of gunfire blasting across the chambers that echoed ferociously with fire and gunpowder as the multitude of snarling listless beasts tried to ensnare them by a swarm of limbs.  Slowly but surely they worked their way through the tunnels keeping watch on their back and front, blasting shots across the walls as shadows streamed with heads rolling off of bodies, limbs shattered into pieces and chests pulverised to reverse inside out with violent pressure as their static goo sprayed across the floor and rock.

Ever deeper they traversed, the sounds of the canyon outside making a dull but foetid tremble of cold winds that gasped and howled within the tunnels only further adding to the dark and grim atmosphere of the necrotic nest, seething with crawling flesh and dried moulded bones that fell apart in their haste to rip and tear at the intruders.  Sparks of light flashed across the walls in their constant push onwards, bashing heads and bursting abdomens of cold intestinal slime in their wake before they soon reached the villain's lair.  A steel door with a keypad next to it that stood incredibly apart from the wall itself.

        "Well here it is," said Sam, "now all we gotta do is figure out the code."

        "Do we know thuh code?" asked Jeremy.

        "Nope."

        "Let me have a crack at it.  You got sumthin' powdery lahk uh flour or summat fine?"

        "Just this small bag of cocaine I took from a cop who was gonna plant it on someone I needed."

        "Perfect!  Now a small brush, or even just sum bits of yer hair."

The wolfhound handed over the small bag of white stuff along with some loose sheddings of his fur as Holt carefully grasped the hairs like a paintbrush in his fingers.  Dappling the powdered drug on the fur, he started to brush all over the keypad carefully until it revealed only three numbers had been pressed recently.  1, 3 and 8.

        "What did you do?!" asked Oddie.

        "Fingerprinting," explained Holt, "summat police use to identify humans if they were at thuh crime scene."

        "Your fingers have prints?"

        "Oh yeah, everybody does.  S'not thuh most reliable one but in this case it'll do."

        "Why didn't I think of that?" said Sam perplexed and scratching his head.  "Alright well good work Holt, yanno you would make a pretty good police officer."

        "Ahm fine thanks, bein' a sergeant's enough as it is.  So whut do we do?"

        "Well the reader seems to have four numbers to input, so one of these numbers is put in twice.  If my guess is right it would have to be a number just obscure enough that your average pundit wouldn't know, but common enough that a scrutinous nerd would not even think of using it."

The dog peered closer at the pad trying to not inhale the white powdered marks as he made a guess.  Tapping 1138 the door opened with a shimmering gasp of relief.

        "Oh!" said Oddie struck surprised.  "You are very clever Sam, how did you know?!"

        "Just an old something back in my LucasArts days," said the hound humbly, "now let's get inside but keep yer guns out and ready."

The lair inside the canyon could not be any further removed from its surroundings.  A technological tapestry of freakish wires rippled across the floor underneath mesh-wired floors like that of an abbatoir, with dozens upon dozens of TVs that littered the walls both left and right above them.  Every show they could see flickering back and forth along the waves of static they could tell from a distance they looked terrible, from mawkish Z-list celebrities to shrieking fakes and exaggerated angrish for the sake of showbiz.

Schmaltzy sitcoms gave way to reality TV, game shows with the lowest-school grades spoken from patronising lips mingled against reruns of tedious soap operas and movies surrounding the most pathetic and/or abusive of domestic lives with little solace or comfort.

Below the TVs but set flush to the walls of steel were stained glass windows showing two figures and one scene; a wretched swine of monocle and goatee; a sinuous metal-clawed beast with frilled skull of iron and lamplike eyes; and a green creature sent screaming into the vortex of souls at the behest of a boar wielding a remote.  The glass windows had pews to accommodate them on either side of the intruders to set a church-like ambience, with marginal hissing sounds from pools of static leaking through beneath the floor.

        "WERUCOME, INTUURUDERRSSS!"  The voice boomed from in front of them with the thickest accent.  "YUU HAFF FINARRY ARRIVED AT MY MOST INNAH SANKHH-TUM, DESPITE MY IRREVOCABURUU EFFORTS AND MOST ERITE OF HENCHU-MEN!"

        "Glad we finally meet," said Sam boldly out front.  "I got two questions for ya meathead.  where's Max and where's yer hostage?!"

        "AHHH-SO, I CAN ANSWER TWO BIRDS WIFF ONE ST-OHN, ROOK!"  A light shone from an unseen source towards the far back wall.  "WITUNESS YOUR FUURIEND!"

        "MAX!"

        "OH, hey Sam!"

The rabbit was tied up to a large conduit at the very back of the sanctum.  A large semi-circular room with pulpit and elaborate machinery in a series of computers that lined the length of the curving wall as a great bloated shadow stood before them.  Despite his current positon Max did not seem to be frightened but Sam felt still compelled to ask:

        "You alright ol' pal?!"

        "I'm okay Sam," he replied cheerisome, "this guy's barely been able to do anything to me, except make me regret everythin' about the seventies."

        "ENOUGH!" barked the shadow.  "You had your chansuu to reave this purase, but now you sharuu suffah at my behest!"

        "Scuse me!" cried Holt.  "Can ah just ask, are you puttin' on sum really bad racist accent like from them ol' Bugs Bunny cartoons?"

        "DO NOT MOCK ME HUMAN!  I wahss going to spare you the gift of witunessing me, but since you haff forsed my u-handuruu...BEHOLD, THE MIGHT OF MOOSHOO PORK!"

Lights burned across their vision as the entire sanctum became lit, revealing the mastermind behind it all as one of the visions from the glass windows.  Half of him was a pig, that much could be said, with monocle and goatee reminiscent of an evil twin as he stepped out from behind his pulpit to reveal the most incredible sight that made them all repulse.

        "A-AAAAGH GOD!" cried Holt.

        "JEEEZ MAN PUT THOSE AWAY!" shouted Sam.

        "HE HAS FOUR COCKS!" shouted Odd pointing like a child.

        "THEY, ARE, UDDERSUU!" barked the villain with an unfortunate bovine crotch of swinging girthy udders and hoofed spotted legs.  "You are simpury ignorant, of what you fayruu to understand!"

        "I understand you have four cocks and um...um," the raptor leaned over to whisper something to Holt who corrected him, "and, an ugly, son of a bitch!"

        "MY MOTHER WAHSS A SAINT!  YUU ARE NOT EVEN WEARING PANTS, YOUR PEENISSS IS OUT RIKE A DISGUSTING NATIVE!"

        "But I only have ONE," said Oddie enunciating with a finger, "so I am not the FREAK."

        "YOU SHARUU TAKE THOSE WORDS BACK AND SWARROW THEM FOR I HAFF TURAPPED YOU HERE WITHIN MY CUURUTCHES!"

        "Okay are you TRYING to be Chinese or Japanese?" asked Sam with his hands spread confused whilst still holding his gun.  "You keep messing up your Ls and Rs and that's a completely false epithet on either language."

        "He's right!" added Max.  "Just because the Japanese language doesn't have the letter L in it naturally doesn't mean they can't SAY it!"

        "Yeah it's like saying no British people can ever roll the Rs like in Spanish!"

        "SHUT UP BOTH OF YUU!" roared the cowpig.  "Yuu shall reguret ever cuurossing paths wiff me, Fuureerance Porees!"

        "Okay now you're just milking it," retorted Sam.

        "WHAT WAHSS THAT?!"

        "I said you better moove things along because my arm is getting tired holding up this gun."

        "I WILL NOT BE MOCKED IN MY SANKHH-TUM!"

        "HEYYYY you said the L that time!" jibed Max.  "Good fer you!"

        "YOU WIRRUU NOT BE SO COCKY WHEN I PUURESS THIS!  Wiff one puuress of a buhtton, your fuuriend wirruu be a seething epitome of pure HATE!"

The boar slammed his finger on a button from his pulpit control panel, resonating a fearsome spark behind him as the conduit began to shudder above Max's head.  From the central part of his sanctum, something rose itself above Pork in the form of a gleaming metal pyramid with some strange rusted shape on top of it.

        "Wot is that?" asked Holt.

        "It looks like the letter P," replied Oddie.

        "Maybe some kinda key," said Sam.  "We're givin' you a chance to stop this now Mooshoo Pork, turn off your devices and weapons, and stand down, or else!"

        "If ya don't," said Max, "we're gonna put ya in a meat locker fer Sylvester Stallone to beat up!"

        "He doesn't even do Rocky anymore he just does it for fun, you can't stop him!  We had to let him enter any meat locker in the states!"

        "The last guy that tried to stop him got cast as the villain in Expendables, the BAD ONE!  I'll let you guess which one that is-A-AAAA-AAA-AAAAAARGH, AAAAAARRRRRGHH, EEHEEHEEEE EEHEEEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEYAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!"

        "MAAAAX!"

The rabbit suddenly became jolted by violent electrocution as sparks went flying from the metallic object.  Sizzling with vile black and red, the bolts of lightning pierced into Max's body as he spasmed with ruthless convulsions and a frothing face.  They watched in fear as the the room lit up in shades of epileptic visions, gleaming with the face of Mooshoo Pork in silhouette as he cackled gleefully before turning off the machine.

        "HMHMHMHMWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!  HAHAHA-Wh-WHAT?!"

As he stopped his electrical rampage he looked up in shock to see that his lapine hostage was completely unharmed.

        "Don' put me anywhere near Sam," said Max wiggling his fingers, "one touch from me and he'll turn into a poodle!"

        "BUT, b-but...hau issat possiburu?!  YUU SHOULD BE BURNING WIFF THA RAGE OF A THOUSAND MIRRENNIARUUS!"

        "Hatred?" replied Sam.  "Max is already a whirlwind of sheer misanthropic violence, you can't touch him with that!"

        "WHAT?!"

        "AND I'm not neutered!" chipped in Max before he tore off his clamps and jumped down.

        "Y-YUU, HOW, DID YOU-DHHHHF!"

The pig received a strong gutpunch just above his udders as the rabbit leapt over towards the group.

        "I just wanted to hang around but now you bore me, like sheesh, I kinda liked your monologue about your grand evil plan but this sucks."

        "You said it li'l buddy," said Sam instantly hugging his friend but for only a moment when Max became uncomfortable, as the dog put him down to pet his head.

        "Nnnnngh...yes...yes m-m-my masterpuuran.."  Mooshoo staggered back on his hooves and braced himself for a long-winded explanation to boost his thin-skinned ego.  "Since yuu haff come all this way before I destuuroy yuu, it would be un-uhfair for me not to tell you my gurand puuran-"

        "He's weaponisin' all the hate on the internet into weapons fer his great global conquest."

        "WHA-NO, SH-SHUT UP, YUU ARE RUINING MY MONOROGUE!"

        "Yeah I know but I just really hate your voice, you sound like Billy Crystal doing that jazz singer impression that everybody wants to forget."

        "Wait which one was that?" asked Sam.

        "ENOUGH!" roared the cowpig.  "YUU, ARE GOING, TO RISTEN TO MEEEEE!"

        "Ye-ye-yeah in a minute Ham Spock," the rabbit waved him off and turned away, "remember that voice he done during the Comic Relief they had for Hurricane Katrina?"

        "Uuuurgh yeeesh," shuddered Sam, "that was the second worst thing to happen to New Orleans last decade."

        "RAAAAAAAAARGH!"  The pig-bovine stomped his cloven feet with thickening rancor in his pudgy face.  "YUU COME INTO MY SANKHH-TUM, YUU INSULT MY MASTERPUURAN AND NOW YUU DISMISS ME?!"

        "Alrigh' lissen," interrupted Holt, "ah used to watch thuh Minstrels an' somehow you're even more uncomfortable to look at an' listen to than that, can we just choose whether to shoot yer arse or arrest you yet?"

        "YUU WIRUU NEVAR TAKE ME ARIVE FUREERANCE POREES!"  The boar pulled out two rifles that resembled paintballing guns that simmered with something toxic within.  "Wiff my Twitterpater and Tumbururrite puurimed and ready, I shall duurive yuu all to the buurink of INSANITY!  Just as I did to my rast subject that yuu fayruud to rescue."

        "Your last subject?!" said Sam.  "That must be the hostage that sent the signal, where is he you bloated mascot of Hollywood's continuing mistake?!"

        "If yuu can get past me, I will show yuu my 'aynchunt Chinese seekuret' Sam and Max, HHHHWWWAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!"

The battle would begin as they braced themselves to fight within the dreadful altar of the airwaves.  Max still had his luger on him somehow as well as Sam with revolver and both Holt and Oddclaw wielding their shotguns.  The only one who wasn't ready was Mooshoo Pork, who started clicking the triggers of his hate-filled guns and snarled with frustration.

        "WH-WHAT, NO, C-COME ON YOU IMBESIRUUS!"

        "OH," said Max, "did I forget to mention I broke your guns when you went out to the bathroom?"

        "WH-WHAAAAT?!"

        "Yyyyyeah, I sorta hocked up a few things in my 'personal inventory' and well, you'd be surprised how easy it is to calm down a toxic atmosphere of internet-grade sputum with all these puppy photos I kept on me."

        "Why on earth do YOU have photos of puppies?" asked Holt.

        "Because he hates kittens," replied Sam knowingly, "and as everybody knows, no one can get angry at dogs on the internet."

        "It's the great unifier of all people," said the rabbit with scarily-angelic grin and clasped hands, "everybody loves a good dog."

The way he said this whilst looking up at Sam made them start hearing the swell of strings and an orchestra starting up, with rose petals would flicker in from just outside their line of vision.  As the harmony rose to a blissful crescendo with smiles widening between dog and rabbit, a voice came sharply squawking through the reverie with:

        "HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY OPPORTUNITY FOR A CRYMACTIC BATTURUU!"

        "Shut up you stinking pig!" retorted Oddie.  "Now give up or else you die!"

        "I WIRUU NOT BE SIRENCED!  I SHARUU TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH ITS OWN HATRED!  TEREVISION GAVE ME RIFE, FROM HORRYWOOD'S REFUSARUU TO MOVE PAST ITS OBSESSIVE YERROWFACE STANDARDS IN WHITE-WAHSHING MOVIES OF ASIAN STORIES, WHEN THERE ARE HUNDAH-REDS OF PERFECTRY CAPABLE ASIAN ACTORS TO FIT THE RORUU!"

        "What is he turnin' into Scooby Doo?!" asked Max.

        "Max no!" cried Sam, "We already hit the quota on that, people'll start thinking we hate someone and we can't have that."

        "Oh COME ON he said RORUU!"

        "Okay, better idea."  The dog whispered to the rabbit who nodded excitably.  "Hey big guy can you say Roruu again?!"

        "NO I WIRUU NOT, I AM NOT YOUR RITTURUU PET!"

        "What is he turnin' into Astro?!" cried Max.

        "YES!"  The two high-fived with joy much to the boiling frustration of Mooshoo Pork.

        "EEEENOOUUUUUUUGH!  NOW, I MUST SUMMON THE MOST HATE-FURUU KUUREETCHA, IN AWRUU OF EXISTENCE!"

        "Margaret Thatcher?" asked Sam.

        "Adolf Hitler?" guessed Jeremy.

        "OOH OOH, Aung San Suu Kyi!" cried Max.

        "My brother Sunscreech?!" gasped Oddclaw.

        "NOOOO!" roared Mooshoo.  "One, that I have KAPTCHOORED for my perrrsonal amuseh-munt, mwehehehehhhh, aaahahahahahaaaaa!"

Pressing a button on his console, the blaring sirens began to spin yellow across the walls as the back of the sanctum opened out towards an even greater room.  Pork ran through the opening as they took chase, rushing through the darkness beyond the altar of televisual madness and into some sort of isolated room.  In the centre of this room was a bizarre steel construct that resembled a four-legged tree built entirely out of cables and plastic that stood at least 20 feet tall.  Glass screens covered its limbs with the largest one for a "face" and two satellite dishes on its shoulders amidst plugs and wires dangling off of it.

        "Yuu wanted to find the one who sent yuu your distuuress siguhnal?!" said Mooshoo Pork behind the machine.  "Then take a rook!  If yuu want to rescue him so baduhry, yuu haff to free him first!"

        "Great cathode catheter of carcinogenic radioform of John Logie Baird and Alexander Zworykin!" gasped Sam.  "It's some kinda monster formed from audiovisual components into one fiendish proto-digital prison!"

        "The new Xbox 2001!" cried Max.  "Cuz after playin' this, you'll WISH it was 2001 when you only had to worry about the controllers fitting in your tiny weak Trumpy hands."

        "If I cannot destuuroy yuu," barked Pork, "then it shall be derishious irony that the one you came to rescue sharuu be the one to end you.  N.A.G, POWER ON!"

The beastly machine rose its front-facing TV with a whirring beep.  The four backed off slightly in preparation for a fight.

        "N.A.G, IDENTIFY INTUURUDERS!"

The televisions flicked on, all seventeen of them to create a babbling manic stream of consciousness from the airwaves of the 20th century.  Voices familiar and obscure started to build sentences from the mouths of celebrities and news reports.

        "I want a divorce---to go to Disneyland---and sleep safe without intruders----spotting a great bargain!"

        "NOW, N.A.G, DESTUUROY THEM!"

The monster advanced slowly upon them as constant faces and cartoons scrawled themselves across the static-ridden screens, huge hulking steps crunching against the ground.

        "What's up, doc---are you ready to meet your MAKER---and CRUSH the competition in sales---FROM DOWWWWWNTOWWWWN!"

        "WAIT!" shouted Oddclaw.  "We are here to help you, we know you are trapped!"

        "He's right," replied Sam, "we got your message on Youtube!  You don't have to do this!"

        "Yeah," added Max, "we just wanna beat up this fat pig, why dontcha come out the TV monster and I dunno, go play outside or sumthin'?"

        "Out...s-side?"

Something twitched inside of the machine as it turned its head.  The faces of modern culture began to shred themselves apart, ripped by scanlines as another second face came from underneath.  A face that Sam and Max recognised as the one from the distress signal, with soft snout and bulging black eyes from a pale complexion now showing itself as distorted green and purple.

        "The last time I----went outside to taste the sun---was---the last time I----last time I----went---went---out-s-S-__sIIiiiDe...mY, m-my...dad...BLEW, UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"

Bursting from the speakers was a horrifying scream as the face fully revealed itself, sobbing shrieks as hands pounded on the screen from what appeared to be a bloodshot haggard-skinned gecko.  His mouth twisted open as other TV shows tried to crush down upon his visage, forcing them away as one of the monster's legs raised itself above their heads.

        "LOOK OUT!"

They all dodged from underneath its shadow as the giant TV-foot crunched upon the earth whilst the gecko's face flickered between different sets, frantic screaming interspersed amongst cut-up phrases of random televisual scenes.

        "So sorry he's from Barcelona-iii aM roBot, heAr mE ROAAAAAAAR-from an affordable income if you can't claim your PPI-wOrSe tHaN MIkE TYyyyySon's CELLMATE-STOP THIS CRAZY THIIIIING-TRON didn'T wORk onCE it's nOt gOnNa w___oRk TWICE-this SUNDAY SUNDAY-sunDAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!"

The arm swiped with monstrous strength like a tree hurled through a typhoon to pummel against the rock wall, crushing it inwards as the group dodged and fired at it in response.  The bullets pinged off uselessly, barely penetrating the hard shell as wires swung with flailing sharpened copper tips that threatened to gouge their cheeks as Max and Sam stumbled back to run and get a better position.

Jeremy and Odd stuck together with more agility, the soldier strafing with practiced movements to try and shoot out the glass as if trying to blind the monstrosity.  Oddclaw tried to rush onto its back whilst it distracted itself with Holt's firing as the raptor clambered onto it looking for some power source to destroy, but this machine was much more flexible than anticipated.

        "No whammies no whammies no whammies-STOP!"

The creature made a surprising twist of its body, throwing one of its arms above its head along with a leg to perform a stomping cartwheel motion to now be on all fours with its belly up, leaving Oddclaw hanging from underneath and realising what it was about to do.

        "STOP, HAMMERTIME!"

        "ODDIE RUN!"

Frantically dashing out from its shadow the raptor ran to Jeremy's arms just before the large-bodied N.A.G could crush him with its weight.  Sam and Max took time to try and figure out the monster's weakness whilst taking pot shots in futile efforts much to Mooshoo's delight, who kept himself away and above from the action via a raised platform.

        "ENJOYING MY NEO-ALT-GEX, DETECTIVES, HMHAHAAAA!?"

        "You better enjoy having a tongue for the last four minutes it's in your mouth!" taunted Max.

        "How do we unplug this guy?!" asked Sam.

        "Falsify thousands of complaints in the names of dead relatives!?"

        "No, we need something more direct, something immediate!"

        "It worked for the FCC!"

        "Wait, no, better idea!"  Sam started running towards Mooshoo Pork.  "Keep my six checked buddy!"

        "How do I do that?!" said Max shrugging.  "You never take off your suit!"

Whilst the freelance cops went to the "mastermind" behind this project, theyre' allies were keeping the N.A.G busy with sparing fire and dodging swipes between indeterminate crazy speech.  Shimmering scans of the gecko trapped inside the televisual monster could be seen for only moments of screaming, constantly begging and sobbing within snatches of speech.  The crushing might of its raw limbs made the ground shudder as it slammed down like a gorilla, trying to turn its two attackers into street paste.

        "Now we join Terrence from the box for-TWELVE, YEARS of Fffull HOUSE-we'll be dead for all eternity when you-CUT MY EYYYYYE MICK!"

        "IF YOU ARE TRAPPED," barked Oddclaw, "TELL US HOW WE CAN FREE YOU, PLEASE!  CAN YOU HEAR US IN THAT ROW-BOT?!"

        "M-my...inner ch-child is c-coming out and it HUUUUUUUURTS!"

Dodging under the body before swiftly coming out behind to avoid a stomping leg, the raptor tried toclimb on top once again to desperately search for some weakness he could use.  Jeremy kept covering fire, ducking and rolling as best his body could let him before he started wheezing amidst the cycling whirlpunch of the creature in its spinning strike.  Oddclaw held on tightly as the creature started to become dizzy in its attack, stumbling to one side drunkenly as Odd pulled apart the sinuous wires like hair.  But despite all of his best efforts to break open its back with shotgun blasts, there was nothing to break open but its barest skeleton underneath of solid steel and plastic coating.

        "Warp core breach is imminent-BriNg oUt yOuR DEAAAD-dammit, Janet-SSssSSTAB SOMEONE y-yoUr oWn SIZE!"

        "Fuck's sake keep yer 'air on mate we're tryin' to fix you!"

        "The difference between me and you is-yoU dOn'T maTcH thE caRpet-and with that we say goodbye to our-KATHY LEE GIFFORD!"

        "ODDIE HAVE YA FOUND ANYTHIN'?!"

        "I AM TRYING!" cried the raptor riding on its back.  "THERE IS NOTHING HERE!"

        "HAH, YUU IMBESIRUUUS!" cackled Pork.  "Gex has been sehparated into seventeen diffuurent siguhnals throughout my masterpiece, digitarry!  Yuu cannot kill what is a ghost in the sherruu!"

        "So where is he then?!" barked Sam from below him.

        "Rike I would even teruu yuu!"

        "Well you'd certainly not be stupid enough to hide it on your person, cuz Max can reach up right now and steal it off ya."

        "I AM NOT STUPID!"

        "You can't even get your stereotypes right and your hostage managed to send out a distress signal to bring us here, was THAT part of your plan?"

        "He suuripped past me once, but nevah again!"

        "You mean like Max did?"

        "WHAT?!"

        "YOINK!"  The rabbit crawled up the pig's back and snatched a remote from his person.  "Yuuugh it smells like a cinema floor!"

        "G-GIVE THAT BACK!"

The pig frantically grasped at his back whilst Max hurled the remote to Sam.  The lagomorph jumped up onto Mooshoo's head to stomp and frontflip against his fat jowls before landing easily back on the ground for him and Sam to run back to the beast.  Oddclaw was frantically trying to hold on like a bronco cowboy amidst the bashing spinning lumbering strikes of mindless metal manipulation.  Mooshoo leapt down from his platform of safety to run furiously towards the cops with udders swinging beneath him, gruesomely slapping against his thighs as the dog pointed his remote to strike a pose as if waiting for something.

        "WHUT ARE YA DOING?!" cried Holt.

        "I'm trying to think of a good one-liner," said Sam, "I don't get the chance to deactivate a televisual monster machine often."

        "JUS' TURN THUH FUCKIN' THING OFF!"

        "Alright already sheesh!  Well, looks like YOU'RE fire-GAAAH!"

        "AAAAAAAARGH!"

Moosho came charging from the right to punch Sam to the floor, brazenly smashing his fist into the dog's face as Max grabbed the remote.  The cowpig noticed his device and leapt off the dog to chase the much more fleet-of-foot lapine who taunted him eagerly.

        "That'll do pig, that'll do!"

        "GIVE IT BACK!"

        "What's the magic wooooord?!"

        "I WIRUU ROAST YOUR FUURESH YUU FIRUUTHY BEAST!"

        "Nooo, it's PLEAAASE, now if yer a good boy I'll let you sit up an' watch Midtown Cowboys."

        "YOU ARE DEAD RITTLE RABBIT!"

        "ODDIE CATCH!"

The rabbit hurled his remote towards the raptor on top of the N.A.G who caught it deftly, fiddling about with every single button only to find that none of them worked in even changing the beast's behaviour.

        "IT IS NOT WORKING!"

        "DIDYA CHECK THE BATTERIES!?" cried Max.

        "UH...WHAT ARE THE BATTUREES!?"

        "LOOK UNDERNEATH THERE'S A SLOT!"

Oddclaw flipped the remote over to find there was nothing even resembling a slot, showing such by waving it above his head to reveal a shimmering red light on its bottom side.

        "I CANNOT FIND ANYTHING!"

        "WHAT!?"

        "IT IS SORRAR POWERED!" roared Mooshoo Pork.  "NO BATTURRY REKWHY-ARRD, I WARNED YUU OF AYNCHUNT CHINESE SEKURRIT!  NOW YOU CANNOT STOP MEEEEE!

        "ODDCLAW BREAK THE REMOTE!" shouted Sam.

        "WHAT?!"

        "DESTROY IT, IT'S THE SOURCE OF ITS POWER!"

        "NOOO!" barked Mooshoo.  "N-N-NO, DON'T DO IT, IF YU DESTUUROY THE REMOTE, THE N.A.G. WILL GO BERSERKURUU!"

        "TRUST ME KID, IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SHUT IT DOWN!"

        "I CONTROL THAT THING, IF YUU BREAK THE REMOTE, YUU WIRUU PUT US AWRUU IN DANGER AND YUU WILL NEVAH RESCUE GEX!"

        "ODDCLAW!"  Sam stepped forwards with a face more serious than he had ever seen on him.  "WHEN I TOLD YOUR FATHER TO TRUST ME AND MAX WHEN WE WERE TRAPPED IN A BAD SITUATION, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?!"

        "What?" murmured Odd.

        "HE RAN AWAY, HE WENT OFF AND DISAPPEARED INTO ANOTHER WORLD AND LEFT US BEHIND TO FACE AN ALMOST-IMPOSSIBLE CHANCE, BUT WE MADE IT!  I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM BECAUSE HE COULDN'T PUT HIS TRUST IN US BUT WE MADE IT SEE?!"

        "YOU...Y-YOU SAID HE WAS BRAVE!"

        "I SAID BRAVE TO A POINT!  HE WAS YOUNGER THAN YOU ARE NOW, HE WASN'T AS STRONG AS YOU AND NOT AS SMART, HE WAS LOST AND CONFUSED LIKE AN IRISH PRIEST IN THE LINGERIE SECTION BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TRUST ANYONE!  BUT I KNOW YOU'RE BETTER THAN HIM, SO DO THE ONE THING THAT YOUR FATHER NEVER COULD...and trust me."

The raptor's hands shook as he looked between the panic-stricken look of the bloated swine and the hangdog expression of urgency on the wolfhound's face.  He looked down towards the remote glimmering with its strange beep as he clutched it tighter with his other hand still grabbing onto the wires of the creature's back.  He threw the remote into the air and fired both shells from his gun straight into the ceramic piece, shattering a thousand pieces as Mooshoo broke his voice shrieking:

        "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Neo-Alt-Gex machine suddenly spasmed, frantically stumbling with a loss of all its motor responses in a drunken spree as the raptor leapt off of it desperately.  The four watched the beastly machine whirr and beep with ever-increasing shrieks from inside as the signals became confused without a transceiver, the shuddering crooked legs heaving with a crunch and groan before falling over completely.  The televisions flicked off one by one, the news closed off for the night, the couples went to bed, the people were cut short from laughing and learning their lessons and at the very end of it all in the darkest black where no transmission could be seen there came a voice.  A voice represented by a flickering line.

        "It...did it stop?"

        "Yes," said Oddclaw nearest to the beast.  "Who are you?"

        "I-i think...I think I was...someone famous."

        "You do not know who you are?"

        "I...musta been drinkin' hard...Oliver Reed hard...head, f-feels like...OJ Simpson's house."

        "Well that's awful," muttered Sam with a small cringe, "the pig guy said your name was Gex, that sound familiar to you?"

        "...yeah.  Yeah it kinda does.  I remember...youtube."

        "You sent out a distress signal, we came down here to rescue you."

        "Seriously?  ......wow.  Screwed up real bad if...if I...rescued by McGruff an' his chew toy."

        "DON'T call me that, or I'll leave you here instead."

        "But THIS guy," said Max gesturing towards Pork, "is comin' with us whether you like it or not!"

        "YUU WIRUU NOT TAKE ME ARIVE, I AM GOD OF THE MEDIA DIMENSIO-DHHHHF!"

Sam punched him square in the jaw with his extending glove, the thick red fist smacking hard in the jowls as Mooshoo Pork went out for the count.

        "We're gonna need someone drag this lummox out," said the dog, "but Gex is gonna need something more...compact to transfer him to."

        "Whutcha mean transfer?" asked Holt.  "He's not IN the machine?"

        "No, Mooshoo said his consciousness got separated throughout this monster so we're gonna have to find a way to bring him over."

        "What about your stick?" asked Oddclaw.

        "...huh, Max he's right, we got our USB!"

        "Gee I hope this guy don't take up too much space!" said the rabbit.  "I really liked that one vid he sent us an' I don't wanna delete it!"

        "I'm sure a sentient consciousness won't take up TOO much space."

As Max hopped over to find a USB port inside the N.A.G, Holt sighed a warm breath of relief next to Oddclaw who looked over at the green line undulating back and forth amidst the gecko's tired response.

        "Should I...turn my head and cough?"

        "I mean you COULD but it won't help," said Max.

        "S-said you liked...my video?"

        "You kidding it was great!  Yanno yer real funny when yer not trying so hard to be edgy."

        "Edgy?  Who you think I am...Brandon Lee?"

        "See that right there, that's what we're talking about, we better put you on a course for this sorta thing."

        "Course?  That's only for...people who can't stop drinkin' or admit that they're wrong...both if yer Matthew Broderick."

        "I'm starting to regret this rescue op Sam, can I make a belt outta him after?"

        "You don't even wear pants," said the mutt crossing his arms, "why would you need a belt?"

        "That's none of yer damn business."

        "Ehh we'll find someplace for him.  By the way, Oddie."

        "Yes?"  The raptor turned towards Sam who approached with a hefty pat on the shoulder.

        "Thanks for believin' in me...glad you proved me right."

        "Of course he would!" said Holt grabbing Odd in a headlock to noogie his scalp.  "Can't go wrong with yer dab 'ere!"

        "J-JEREMY, OW!"

        "Aw come on you know ah give you harder than that every night."

        "N-NOT MY HEAD, STOP T-TOUCHING MY HEAD!"

        "Well why dontcha say thuh magic words mochyn bach?!"

        "P-PLEASE?!"

        "Noooo, the OTHER magic words!"

        "A-AAAGH, JEREMYYYY!"

The soldier cackled as he held his friend underneath his arm teasing him with semi-sordid things as Max found a USB port and began the process of a slow downloading to extract their bitter hostage.  With job well done, all that was needed would be to find a way out from the canyon walls and drag their porcine suspect to a place behind bars.