Chapter 43 - Choice

-H-

    The room went quiet as I came back in, it had sounded like the cat was talking to my wolf.. but he went silent as I came in. We sat him up and I settled in beside him on the bed with a plate of tuna and some other scraps of meat I still had. 

    Nacayotl stared forward without a word as he sat bound beside me, only opening his mouth to let me bring a forkful of meat to him. He didn't try to degrade me for being his 'servant' and feeding him, though I guess it would be hard to claim that as a bound prisoner. Even still, he seemed entirely not himself as he just sat and ate.

    My wolf crouched nearby, just keeping an eye on us both, for different reasons. To make sure the cat didn't attempt an escape, and to make sure that other monster didn't try to escape me. How in the hell was I going to sleep tonight?

    "That's it.. finish up that bite and we're going to do this, okay?" I hoped he would make this simple and just agree.

    "I am still thinking on it, human, as I promised. Give me another sip of water.. then rest your little head. I need more time" His tone was softer, still a bit condescending but I expected nothing less.

    "Fine.. Here" I tipped the glass of water to his muzzle, letting him drink before setting it on the side table. "Alright.. lay back. Apparently we are going to spoon tonight, so I don't want to hear a word on it. I'm just doing it to give you your way out, okay? You aren't getting out of that tape, but you can escape back into me."

    I tried to make it as clear as I could, looking him in the eyes even if he didn't look back at me. The cat nodded his head slowly, grunting out softly before he lay back and settled his head on my pillow, staring straight up at the ceiling with his hands bound in his lap.

    "I know," He spoke dryly.

    The rest of my nightly routine seemed almost normal. Brushing my teeth, washing my face. Stripping out of my clothes. That part did feel a little weird after I had been so eager to get back into my clothes after a horrible night of streaking through the city. That and I wasn't going to bed alone. Could the cat meld through clothes if I wore them? I think so..  I remember my wolf phasing through my pants. Either way, I'd wear my boxers at the very least.

    My wolf sat and watched the cat from the side of the room, almost unblinking. He didn't trust him, neither did I really. So far he hadn't tried anything but we still had a long night to go. I shut off my overhead light and crawled into bed awkwardly next to the monstrous cat, staring at him a bit as he lay there mostly still. My wolf moved closer to the bed and the frame creaked and yelled in protest as he began to climb up onto it.

    "Wait wait wait! My bed's going to break.." My hands flailed a little as I warned him, feeling bad for essentially letting the cat on the bed, but not the dog.

    He just gave a simple nod, not seeming to take offense but.. it was hard to tell what was going on inside his head since our connection had broken. Before I'd almost felt like I could feel him. Almost. I knew he could feel me. He took a seat and rested against the side of the bed, watching us both. He wouldn't sleep tonight, I could tell that much. As tired as he was there was no way he was going to let the cat out of his sight.

    The three of us sat there in silence for a while, before I turned off my bedside lamp. My side was pressed against the cat's.. it felt incredibly weird. His skin was soft and fleshy, and bunched up against the muscles beneath, sliding over them. It was like snuggling with a weird, stupidly muscled and sinewy old man with a lot of excess, wrinkled skin. It was still not the strangest thing I'd felt today. He lay there very still, bound in duct tape still, though I'd left his mouth uncovered. He wouldn't dare try to bite me or chew his hands free, not with my wolf keeping track of his every breath.

    An hour passed by slowly in the dark, the numbers on my clock ticked and changed at an agonizing pace. I was so tired, so was my wolf, but neither of us could sleep. The silence in the room was only broken up by soft breathing for the longest time, before finally the cat spoke out softly beside me.

    "It's not torture to be there." His voice was quiet. 

    "Where we come from. Where you are asking me to go. It is.. different. It is raw. It is survival. Rules are not as set in stone as they are in your world. In your world I was on top. That was long ago.. Your people have changed much since." I remained silent, letting him speak.

    "You ask me to give up freedoms, to go where I please. To explore your changing world. To go back to a place where I am not worshipped, but looked down on like vermin. The rats and I are treated much the same. A step above the horrors. Far below the guardians or weavers. Here I was mighty, revered.. Even now, I know I could rise to prominence again here."

    "Your freedom means endless danger for the rest of us.. if more things followed you out without any way to stop them it'd be a nightmare here." I finally spoke up to interrupt him

    "It is a nightmare there. One I have learned to navigate well."

    "I don't really have any other options.."

    "I know"

    "So are you trying to guilt me into letting you stay?"

    "No"

    "Then why are you telling me all this?"

    "So you know"

    That shut me up for the moment as I looked at his silhouette in the dark, barely visible with the faint light coming through the window. He was trying to get me to feel bad, regardless of what he said. It was working. I wasn't going to change my mind but there was a twist in my gut and throat now.

    "If there was a way, I'd try to work it out with you.. Even if you've been a pompous dick this entire time. You know you have been"

    "I know"

    "There's still so much I need to learn about all of this. How it all works. If I knew more maybe we could figure something out. How many others are there? Gateways? How do any of them figure this stuff out? How do they know what to do? I mean my wolf doesn't know so how should I? It's not fair."

    "Existence doesn't play fair"

    He paused, looking at me for the first time since we'd begun talking.

    "There are hundreds of others across your world.. spread out. Some get new guardians when there is need. Others get an old one. The old ones know. The new ones don't. Some gateways are smart. Some are lucky. They figure it out enough to keep alive. They don't break their link. Others aren't so smart or lucky, those ones die. A new one takes their place."

    "That's bullshit if you ask me. So some poor sap, like me, gets stuck with rules he doesn't understand and some monster escapes and kills him? Kills his friends and family? How have more monsters not gotten loose?"

    "Guardians do their job well. But.. There are incidents where a creature escapes into the world and is never recovered. The fabled Ascendants."

    "What? No way people wouldn't notice something from your world running around.. Unless.. Are you trying to tell me like.. bigfoot is one?"

    "What is a big foot?"

    "..nevermind.."

    "Our kind has existed in numerous forms throughout the entirety of your kind's life. Our likenesses exist in your sculptures and monuments and art. Many humans worshipped their guardians. Others had them as confidants and equals."

    "Nacayotl.. that's the name they gave you?"

    He nodded slowly, looking back up at the dark ceiling.

    "Those were most wonderful times. I spent years free. The humans catered to my every whim. I had a temple"

    "Why did you go back then?"

    "I was.. removed from my position. Inner conflict and turmoil between other guardians and weavers that did not care for how I did things"

    "Politics? Fucking monster politics. Wait, you were a guardian once?.."

    "Yes"

    "But no more?.."

    "No"

    "That's how you know all this.. you were waiting for a new one to be made, so you could bank on our inexperience and cluelessness to slip out.." The sneaky, conniving bastard. "Even though you knew it would release others behind you?.."

    "Yes"

    "That's it, just yes? No apology, no explanation for why you'd put me through all of that and put everyone in my world at risk?.."

    "I did not want a horror to come through. I was hoping for my.. partners. My brethren. The rats.. some others. If enough of us got out then perhaps they'd have to close the gateway to avoid further losses."

    "Close the gateway?.. You mean fucking kill me?!" Raising my voice drew a growl from the wolf at my bedside.

    "Perhaps. Or maybe make the weavers change the rules. Change their system."

    "What the hell is a weaver?"

    "The makers, the sorcerers, gods maybe. They play with the fabrics of reality." He shrugged.

    "Are they going to be upset that you escaped..?"

    "No.. they likely don't know yet. It takes a lot to get their attention, they are not all seeing nor all knowing." He let that hang, going quiet.

    "So.. are you going back?" I asked hesitantly, sending him back there seemed cruel but I had no choice.

    "Yes"

    More silence fell across the room as we lay there beside each other. My hand moved to rest on his arm. His flesh was soft and warm, it shifted and slid as I gave him a little rub. It almost felt like putty, but thinner and papery. It was weird to feel, but I pet him gently as we lay there.

    His throat let loose what I thought was a growl at first, but it was a low humming purr. It emminated in his chest and sounded a little gravely, but he lay there and let me stroke him. He was the bane of my existence a handful of hours ago.. but now he seemed less monstrous. I didn't necessarily trust him, maybe I pitied him a little. He just wanted freedom, and I couldn't allow it. My chest sunk as that weight hit me, I was essentially imprisoning him for my safety. For everyone's safety. It didn't feel good.

    We lay in silence for a while as I stroked his bare arm and chest, resting against his side. I didn't know if it was degrading, to pet him like a cat, or if it was comforting. He didn't seem to mind. Maybe he needed the closeness and contact. Did they have physical bodies in his world? They must have something.

    Nacayotl slowly turned himself to face me, leaning his face in close. That made me a little nervous, I didn't want him to bite my face off.. and I really was hoping the weird cat monster wasn't going to try and make out with me. He'd been giving me uncomfortably weird signals way before. He didn't try.. He leaned his head forward and pressed his forehead to mine, staring into my eyes in the darkness. His eyes closed as he tested his head to mine.   

    My skin tingled slightly, the sensation spreading as my vision went dark. His face was pressing into mine. Oh god, why was he going back in face first? After a moment his head had sunk into mine, his neck followed a few seconds later. My wolf watched quietly from the bedside as I slowly and surely reabsorbed his rival. His arms sunk in, the duct tape stayed and bunched up against me before flopping onto the bed as his whole upper body vanished. His lower body didn't take much longer to follow.

    Just like that, he was gone.

    A wave of relief filled me.. but it was tinged with guilt and even a touch of sorrow. My eyes met with my wolf's, watching him, staring at him like I had the cat. I gently reached out to cup his face. The cat had given me a lot to think about. How all of this worked for one. The duct tape left on my bed had me trying to figure out how something could enter my gateway. Did it have to be purposefully pulled in? Was it something I would ever want to risk testing?

    I stroked my wolf's face slowly, gesturing for him to come up and join me.

    "He's gone.. see if you can.. you know. Fix the broken link.." I held my breath, reaching my hand out and holding my palm towards him.

    He lifted his large paw, settling it flat against my palm. We each tensed and gasped out as we felt it. There was a slightly electric feeling there, no.. maybe not quite electric. Magnetic, yes. It felt like when two magnets snapped together.. but it was my body that was magnetic. It felt incredibly strange.. but that link was strong. It was back. I could feel him.

    His tail wagged behind him, leaning in and wrapping me up to drag me across the bed. He was rejoined with me, the anger and pain that he'd been carrying since we'd broken seemed to wash off of him, the weight falling away as that spark of joy flooded through him. We felt complete again. I felt it this time. More than that, I felt safe. I felt that things were right again. In this weird new and strange life that I had now, the pieces were back in place. 

    It couldn't bring my mom back.

    It couldn't bring Sawyer back.

    It could let me move forward though. I needed to keep moving forward.

    I stared through the darkness as those golden wolf eyes, his fur made him near invisible in the dark but those eyes caught the light. There was so much more to him than being just a beast. Just a wolf. What was he? Who was he?

    What could I call him? I couldn't just keep calling him wolf forever. He needed an actual name. Something strong? Fierce? My parents had named me after one of the characters from the movie showing they'd met at, way back. They'd thought I was going to be a girl, the name they'd chosen was going to be Sarah. They had to pivot a bit when it turned out I had a penis. They gave me the character's last name instead, Connor. So, what.. Could I just name my wolf Terminator? Sounds like I'm a redneck trying to compensate, naming his pitbull something 'fierce'. Arnold? No, I'd be tempted to talk in a bad impersonation to him every time I'd address him. Poor guy didn't deserve that level of my dorkiness inflicted upon him. 

    So then what? We hadn't known each other long enough for me to know him enough for a truly significant name. He was more than just a pet, I couldn't just name him Shadow or Rex and be done with it. Giving him a regular human name like Kyle or some jokey celebrity name like Bob Ross seemed weird.

    Maybe he didn't need a strong, proud name or something jokey. Maybe he just needed a good, affectionate name. Despite his appearance, he was a gentle soul. Despite tearing a man's arm off, he was sweet. My Nana used to call me her little wolf. Her Faolán. 

    Faolán.

    Maybe that would work..

    I was so lost in my own thoughts, not even realizing that my heavy eyelids had settled down and swept me away. Snuggled up with my wolf's warm furred body and with things set right again, I finally drifted to sleep with a smile on my face.