~ Veneris, October 4th, Year 1355 of the Human Calendar
I am finally back home, as it turns out running into buildings is not good for ones’ wings so I was forced to hoof it half of the way here. It is always the little things that you never imagined you would miss until you don’t have them. At least the countryside of Salmae is beautiful this time of year, there were kiwi trees in full bloom and even some bearing fruit already. In fact I noticed a rather peculiar creature in the grove; it looked vaguely like a tall wolf but had antlers!
I spent the entire afternoon watching as this creature did the oddest things; climbing trees, playing with smaller animals, even leaping to snap at the fruit hanging from the kiwi trees! It was indeed built like a wolf, but had a longer and a narrower muzzle as well as longer legs. Its coat was brown with darker brown areas, with antlers reminded me of a white-tail deer’s. I was tempted to approach it to see if it could communicate, but soon decided against it; it wasn’t the time to be making new friends.
I don’t know if Ixontros will retaliate or not, he may actually take my warning seriously. Still preparing for the possibility is on my ‘to do list’, but in the mean time I must rest. The next day I will visit with Kurai and exchange information, he knows more about this situation after all.
~
What a fool I am… I completely forgot Ixontros doesn’t need to send hunters; he has the best way to harm me already. The Dreamstrider visited me again, this time I was tied down in my own mind! He made my situation all too clear by showing me all of the friends I have made, everything I loved, burning. All of it was set ablaze as I stood helplessly watching, he forced me to relive the horrible vision a thousand times before finally giving his own warning: “Learn your place.”
It was hours before I stopped sobbing, the visions were thoroughly seared into my memory after he released his hold. This was why my kind detested humans; they are cruel, senseless creatures! That is it; I am done being toyed with, if he dares come back I will make him rue the day he was ever born!
You lost me halfway through the third sentence. Sometimes I'll want to quack this sweet looking gosling but then I have to pay for her feed while she tells me about her day. Mostly, the sweeter they look the more boring they sound when they quack on about their brother's kid or worse yet, this 'other bitch down by the pond.
Your character here was droning on about stuff in the past, which is fine except the whole piece is suddenly dependant on the previous pieces.
It's a page of empty references. By themselves, the words tell very little. If you're not motivated then yeah, it functions as an interlude or a filler. So the question you have to ask yourself is if you're satisfied with that.
I
An alternative approach is to bring a little life into it by showing your characters interacting with the world somehow.
Telling = "At least the countryside of Salmae is beautiful this time of year, there were kiwi trees in full bloom and even some bearing fruit already. In fact I noticed a rather peculiar creature in the grove; it looked vaguely like a tall wolf but had antlers!"
This is boring.
Showing = "At least the countryside of Salmae is beautiful this time of year, kiwi trees in full bloom kept my stomach lined with the occasional roadside treat. The fruit was so good that another creature lurked elusively around the grove feasting on them. A tall pair of antlers protruding from behind a bush first alerted me to its presence. Curiously I had approached it but saw only the backside of a wolf like creature scurrying away."
Still not great but a little more lively.
First off I would point out 'Not having read any of the past pieces' will immediately cause confusion as to what is going on, these journal entries only serve as time fillers between actual chapters and side stories. Since they are journals they are going to be past tense, he writes about things after they happen, not during, its like the journals you find in Skyrim in a sense. This is how I planned out the series, I didn't mean for it to come across as lazy, it is just how I wanted it.
And thank you for your suggestion on that passage, admittedly I need to work on my descriptive writing considerably. That is also the point of this series, I am trying to improve as writing was never one of my favorite subjects.
Again thank you for your comments, I will try my hardest to improve these issues.
"...it is just how I wanted it." - and you can have exactly what you want while making it a little less exposition-y.
In Skyrim there is flavor added to the words, meant to draw you in. It is written as if in the moment. What they did was not exactly literarily correct but they chose to do it in such a way so as to affect the player most directly.
Your words need to be like LSD for the reader.
"...as writing was never one of my favorite subjects." - sounds like a musician who only knows three power chords. It's a technical pain in the ass but if you want to translate your imagination so that someone else can see what you want them to see then you need to understand how a "reader works" and how your words affect them.
Joseph Devlin wrote a book on speaking and writing in 1910 or something. If you search his name on ProjectGutenberg or Librivox I'm sure you'll find it. He makes it straightforward. Occasionally I read it again so that he can remind me of the fundamentals. Amazing!
Sorry if I'm coming off as aggressive, I'm a duck and we are absolutely quack at diplomacy.