"BLEU" PART 1


CHILDHOOD

Uncovering Blue has uncovered basically everything all the way back until my memories started. My first vivid memory was a beachfront looking at the blue sea and the sky, separated only by the horizon. Then I remembered playing in the sand, digging lines and pilling up "sandcastles". I could not fully even remember the form of my appearance, the only shape I remembered was something reminiscent of a toddler. I could also recall my mischief at day-care centres, often getting punished quite strictly. But the playfulness never fades away. I scribbled all over the place, making imaginary friends, breaking rocks to find interesting things, playing with dirt and plants, thinking that they have magical properties.

Back then, my favourite colour was pale blue. I loved clear skies with puffy clouds during the day, looking up when there was nothing as a distraction. I suffered plenty of pain and oppression due to my mischief, but it never faded away. Getting bleeding bruises from canes, getting locked away, getting my ears and limbs pinched. Even when I was locked in dark toilet compartments for entire days, my optimism made the best out of the situation. I left the tap running and watched the water flow around, creating a flooded mess. There was something that I couldn't understand. I would descend into deep drains to capture tanks of small fish to keep for days or even weeks, and I could stare at them swimming the whole day. It was the same with spending entire afternoons catching bugs and flying grasshoppers to keep as pets in plastic containers.

I could stare at them for hours. 

TEENS

This nature stayed with me even until middle-teens. The habit of catching bugs followed me even into school, with many cases of grasshoppers flying loose in my classroom and freaking out my classmates. I was one heck of... naughty. It earned me an awkward spot within my age group and among my classmates. I was oppressed by bullying from the dominant souls in my classroom, while the others kept their distance due to my mischief. I was quiet to my peers and seniors, but incredibly energetic with juniors that have gathered around me with curiosity.

My imaginations never ceased but intensified, I made up imaginary games and became good in them, essentially becoming a leader in a gang of kids all with awkward backgrounds. The other kids did not reject the rules I set, because I subconsciously have empathy with them due to the pasts we share. I often played as the neutral party when my companions are pitted against one another in a friendly match, and they never complained. We played games that looked awkward to the general audience, by creating RPGs from coin flicking, and tossing sand at targets in the sand pit. 

All this time, my scribbling and creativity was still incredibly rich. I took on the trait of diversity after absorbing ideas from all the games, comics, animations, and stories. The form of my creativity was very inconsistent throughout the years. One of the earliest and most awkward forms I could remember, was a horse like figure that thrives on vore and unbirth fetishes. But as the years passed with my exposure to the entertainment media, it took on shapes of comic characters before ending as an OP figure from MMORPGs. I covered the pages of my study books with scribbles, sometimes scribbling a random story series.

All of these were inspired by my introduction to computer games, years before. I started out with single player games, the classics before 2010. Since 2008 I moved onto Facebook, exposing myself to the public society. That's where I started multiplayer games before moving onto RPGS and MMORPGs. That's where I manifested my competitive and workaholic traits. However, exposing myself to the adult community has also introduced colours that I never put too much attention on all my life: white and black. Basically, positivity and negativity. That marked the start of my rebellious phase. 

Before entering my rebellious phase, my favourite colour had changed to Azure blue, or bright blue. My curiosity and thirst for knowledge has always been around since childhood. I won multiple school science competitions just because I read more books out of curiosity. My favourite TV shows were National Geographic and Animal Planet. Eventually picked up culinary and exploration channels too. The excitement of new knowledge was vivid, to learn more about the diversity of the world. That was also where I learned more about adulthood, and sexuality was weird when curiosity got the hang of it... Looking at weird sites, weird things, hearing weird news. I got introduced to EDM, through livestreams of games. The first large platform was NCS, followed by Monstercat, then many more discovered.

There was something weird about these music tracks getting stuck in my head.

REBELLIOUS PHASE

The rebellious phase was intense, where the elements of black and white become more dominant. This also created massive bouts of self-conflict as the white and black within my personality began to expand and oppose each other. All this turmoil created a mess of grey that clouded my thoughts. I was introduced to the system of society, but my awkward and mischievous nature took a dark turn into neglect and negativity. Positivity took the form of calm but dull colours, while negativity took the opposite of the vivid but oppressive colours.

As I fought through the emotional struggles and the constraints of society, I also encountered more and more black within the media and stories. I grew much more reserved and patient, able to restrain my impulses and desires. My perception and acceptance of these harsh realities sharpened massively, and they began to change the shape of my personality as I near my late teens. I encountered thoughts of self-harm or even suicide during intense mental conflicts, but an unknown mental force of morality kept pulling me back before filling me with intense sorrow. 

I don't know why this keeps happening.

ENTERING ADULTHOOD

By the time I entered early adulthood before being enlisted into National Service, I have accepted the harshness and reality of society and wiped my personality for the first time. I went into the Army with nothing but a blank white page in my mind. Thinking of nothing but listening to orders. I remembered that day, a clear sunny day with no clouds obscuring the deep blue sky. Having a clear mind was refreshing, and my progress through the first months was highly rewarding. I had incredible discipline, performance, and health. However, something had changed. Now the naughty smirk on my face had vanished, replaced by a neutral expression. And my favourite colour has changed to deep blue / navy blue. I just had comfort behind the colour, but I never tried to understand the reason.

After graduating from training as a Junior Petty Officer (Specialist, Sergeant), the greatest thing I cared about was integrity, consistency, and order. I was usually perceived as cold and straightforward, but ultimately reasonable and fair. I did not have many close friends in this period, as I view them as comrades in arms. I respected and cared for my subordinates as members of a team but held my distance to respect the order of the organisation. Although I had a good track record and took many advices for life in modern society, there was also a sense of underlying unease that I could not explain. I retired into the reserve force after my term while high on spirits due to the maturation of my personality, so I did not try to worry. 

After returning to normal / civilian life, I went back to my gaming community before settling into university studies. By this time, I had been on ARK: Survival Evolved for almost 4 years. Playing official PVP servers, the most competitive and toxic community that game can offer. The toxicity of that community no longer irritates me emotionally, as I now understand the meaning of "Ignorance". It annoys me to see it, but I just went on without any reaction or emotion. Due to my poor equipment constantly giving my problems in such a demanding game, there is constant struggle between my workaholic trait and my frustration. I carried on by doing the best I can, even with a handicap of not being able to play the game at my best. There was always something pushing me on when I felt like quitting. It was the responsibility of my teammates beneath my rank, and the years of legacy I have built up within that game since playing from Early Access. 

National service has matured my personality, but it has also transformed my creativity. I became very dull but extremely hardworking and consistent. The only signs of creativity remaining were my perception of practicality, resourcefulness, and sarcasm. The sense of resourcefulness was actually hammered back into me in National Service during my training phase, when I endured extreme physical conditions to make critical decisions while on the verge of passing out. I remembered my very first vivid act of selflessness, when I shielded an "injured" teammate from an artillery drill. That even surprised my examinator, A veteran Captain. It was done out of subconscious act, not by thought. My mental state was already fully worn out at the period of the test due to tough physical conditions endured over a week, as a test for our commander candidate course. I remembered back when I was on the verge of blacking out due to heat exhaustion, I was staring at the dark blue sky under 40-degree Celsius. I had a solemn but fulfilling dinner with my training company out in the open, watching the blue of daylight fade to black as we cooked our rations with our kits and savoured our success. 

Plenty of lessons and advices taken from National Service to bring into the society. There were some lingering questions despite having such a fulfilling performance…

But what is this unease…?

UNIVERSITY

My first term of university came. A fresh start in a new place. I did not wipe my page clean this time, but I still cleaned up plenty of lingering thoughts. The term was lively, getting to meet new people from all over, while exploring the place. It was in fact the brightest period of my study life. I lived away from my family like the days of National Service, but I never felt homesick. The sense of solitude and independence was never bothered at. I met new people as classmates, working my best for them during group projects. However, there was always this personal distance that I find difficult to cross. All this time, I have been using the same old stationary kit within my deep blue pencil bag, containing all my stationary tools. Out of them all, I always wanted to hold the old blue mechanical pencil. It was with me since the start of my secondary years, nearly 8 years before. However, I rarely used it other than to draw diagrams for laboratory sessions. I had a bad habit of drawing out of line due to my scribbly writing style, while diagrams need to be drawn within clean, single lines. It was a mild annoyance, but I did not put too much blame on myself and just pushed on.

The term was fine, but a new problem from my rebellious age has resurfaced. When I had mental conflicts, I procrastinate until the very last minute. I started sinking deeper into my gaming community, and online entertainment sites. These were used as my medium of distraction from these procrastinations. They nearly got me into trouble a couple of times, but I persisted and pulled through. I ended my first term with flying colours, was even considering to settle down more into the activities and clubs offered by the university. I had not played badminton for 4 years, after playing it through the entirety of teenage years. By this time, I have also collected a playlist of music tracks that I like, because they kept getting stuck in my head for the same unknown reason. I also started collecting space ambient music tracks, after watching mesmerising timelapse tracks. I can stare at volcanic eruptions for hours, watching it like a lava lamp. 

Watching a lava lamp… Music tracks getting stuck in my head…

EARLY 2020, PANDEMIC

The pandemic arrived, it was the first day of my second term. The first day was weird, when it felt like a start of an apocalypse. I entered the hall for the first lecture of my second term, and was informed that the session was the last for the day. There was even a clear sign of uncertainty between everyone, and I was completely thrown off my composure brought in from the first term. I was filled with confusion and unease. The weather of that day matched my mood, a dull overcast that gave everything a shade of grey. I went back and tried to cast my concerns aside, distracting myself with my gaming community with a false sense of relief that I could spend more time online now. Underneath that, I felt unsettled with a deep unease. 

When our country entered a 6-month full lockdown, and the public became deserted. Everything was dull, discrete, and quiet. My liveliest moods during my first term were spent with my fellow classmates, during projects and study sessions. Sometimes during meals, discussing studies. All of that were gone, with the introduction of social distancing, and online studying. I struggled to adapt the new form of online study, after enjoying the interactive traditional counterpart over all my years to the point of disregarding its value. Now the daily routines were reduced to self-sustainment, supply runs, and spending LONG hours behind an electronic screen. The presence of people in my apartment diminished over the months as the tenants moved out, because there was no more reason left to rent rooms for just online studies. 

After just 2 months, the resident was already silent. I was stricken a couple of times by severe internet and power issues, that massively increased my frustration behind my electronic screens. The routines became dull and repetitive. Wake up, look at electronic screen for global weather updates, look for new manga chapters, check my university email and online studies, watch Discord for my game community news, eat 2-3 meals, take showers, spend more hours behind electronic screen until daylight fades to deep black, keep a track on my food supplies, lay on my bed for more social media or browsing for interesting topics, all these until I fall asleep. It went on for months. 

My second term did not go well. I failed more than half of my courses, due to intense procrastination that I could not explain. My parents contacted me a couple of times with concern before, but I just passed it by and replied "I'm OK". All this until the end of my term when my results were revealed. I sensed the frustration behind my parent's voices on the phone, but I felt nothing but a mild irritancy of my incompetence. They prompted me to try again for the third term, while also asking if I wanted to return home. I passed it on with another "I'm OK". Went on with it. I don't know why I felt like that, I just don't know...

The third term was worse. The lockdown continued to chew away at all the remaining human interaction I was receiving. The Indian food store in the university campus that I was regularly visiting during the second term finally closed, due to the lack of customers. The welcoming hawker was gone. The full house of my 12-man residence was left with just me and another individual. We have occasional conversations reflecting our curses at the pandemic. We shared some cheerful talks of our backgrounds. However, that was the only close personal interaction I got. The bustling streets outside were silent for months, except the occasional rumbling of vehicles running essential services. The cafeteria that I visit every day was silent too, with the tables and seats boarded up for months. The cashiers were dull and straightforward, compared to their cheerfulness 6 months before. 

I continued to push on, while my procrastination got deeper. I became a night dweller, spending very long hours on ARK until the night is old. Even developed those pesky dark eye circles, which won't go away even after trying a hundred methods or "remedies". The silence in the real world was everlasting, sometimes I stood at the balcony during the night, looking at the sky while enjoying the gentle night breeze. I enjoyed these short periods of calm before returning to the noise of my gaming communities. By this period, I was already a veteran of the game. I have gone through many events, drama, conflicts, new DLCs. ARK Official PVP is a highly complex social environment. Not as complicated as EVE, but it is enough to be recognised as a society.

Over the years, the levels of ignorance have increased dramatically as more immature children made their way into the community. Immature brats that think of themselves as adults, hidden behind the cover of anonymity. Due to their egos amplified childishly, they seek all means to gain attention and succeed even through unfair means. A black market arose within the community, and cheating became rampant. I had to work harder within the limits of my abilities to compensate for the growing competition. It was a battle that can never be won as the community grew darker, but I was driven by my existing motivations and pushed on. I kept up with the darkness and toxicity, accepting the fact of reality and even embracing it slightly. My morals kept me from stepping too far, along with my qualities cultivated since National Service. I kept to these with an unknown reason…

 Never asking myself why. 

LATE 2020, RETURNING HOME

My third term ended no better than the second, and I flung almost all my courses. I was again met with the frustration and disappointment of my parents over the phone. I felt another sense of irritation of my incompetence, but it was fainter than the last. However, this time I accepted my parent's request to return home. I had enough of the silence. Took the troublesome flight back home, as the lockdown was finally partially lifted. I was met with a slightly refreshing sight of my home and family, and plenty has changed again. The life was slightly more vibrant, I could venture out with my family for market shopping runs, even took some small trips to the countryside. Even had time to practice my culinary arts, which was something never done before. Over the years I have gained plenty of insight, that my progress of learning was very rapid. I had an excellent palette, and my parents used me as a guinea pig to test their cooking. This trait was also used to judge my own cooking, which gave amazing results. My resourcefulness was still around, and I could make use of any kitchen scraps to slap up interesting meals. 

Even thought there was an improvement in my mood, something did not change.  My parents motivated me to take on my fourth term of study, which was already nearly 1 year behind. It did not go smoothly at all, the problems of my procrastination got deeper, and I could only give the same reply to the concerns of my parents in the form of "I'm OK". I do not have the cheerful face like my teens, and even my neutral face was fading. I was in a constant mood of emptiness but with a deep unease. The only calm I got was during the night, when I stare at the sky. I could no longer perceive my favourite colour in anything but black, but this time I did not even notice it to even think as a question. 

Black… Night…

EARLY 2021

Staring at the sky gave me a new hobby, stargazing. I got deep into astronomy, and discovering the extremes of science behind the cosmos. The night sky in my suburban hometown was darker than the CBD skies of my university apartment, making it even possible to catch glimpses of the Milky Way galaxy at its zenith. I widened my star map, even gained a set of binoculars from my parents, dating back to periods before the collapse of the Soviet Union. I explored the zodiac constellations, the prominent astronomical features, marvelled at the first photo of a supermassive black hole, and got stuck in a video by Melodysheep, depicting the timelapse of the universe into the future. I was also mesmerised by other timelapse videos taken on a cargo ship, by JeffHK. Without a question, I took all the ambient music tracks into my playlist.

I remembered a year or two back, I was curious about human psychology, depression, drugs, suicide, murder, rape, crime. I just took them as human negative thoughts, as brushed them aside. Same with all the stories featuring deep darkness behind, like Attack on Titan, Berserk, Walking Dead, many more. Even real events like the bloodiest battles during the First and Second World Wars. Historical events like the plagues, famines and more conflicts. I just don't feel much intense emotion or thought from them, and now close to none. Natural disasters also gave me little to no reaction.

I don't know why, and I couldn't even make it a question. I just... don't know...


MID 2021

Back into reality, I failed my fourth term. This was important because I was on the end of my 2-year chance, and my parents fought hard to extend it. I was expecting the appeal to fail due to a mediocre reasoning, but it got through easily even if it was a late submission. This time I was met with terrible disappointment and frustration in person, from my parents breaking down into unstable bouts of emotion. This time, I couldn't feel anything. Not even an irritation for my incompetence. I just don't know what to do, lost. The only question I managed to get an answer from, was the reason why my appeal was accepted so easily. 

"The university is very aware of your results during your first semester. They have noticed the abrupt change since the onset of the pandemic. They know you are going through a hard time. They are concerned of your difficulties. They don't want the risk of students developing Depression."

The appeal was accepted, along with a term of intermission. I couldn't figure out the reason, but the ability to ask myself was long gone. This relief did not give me any ease. I entered my intermission period without any thought. My parents motivated me to finish a supplementary test offered by my campus, because that was the only course that I came close to passing. Finished it, and time just flowed on. I descended into near complete silence, only reacting to stimuli or instructions. I looked into mirrors from time to time, which showed nothing more than a blank expression. I tried to force expressions, but it was incredibly fake and blank. The days went by as the procrastination deepened, the emptiness spreading to cover even the unease. I dwelled on social media for long hours until I sleep, watching repeated videos aimlessly. Waking up every day to entertain myself with mainstream and weird content, even adult content. Adult content did not even raise any excitement or desire, the curiosity of these “furry communities" was long gone over the years.

…

AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2021

The days went faster and faster, and my daily routines got increasingly sluggish. I lost interests in most of my hobbies, and I have not cooked anything for months. Even my teammates in ARK were noticing that I was losing energy and drive. As usual, replied with the "I'm OK". I just kept going on in the game like a machine, doing tasks when they are offered and strictly disciplining those that misbehave. There was even one period when my clan suffered a full-on attack with the risk of getting fully wiped off, and I fought for nearly 13 days straight. All this time still holding onto my responsibilities of my clan and lower ranked teammates. I felt exhaustion, but it faded off quickly like it never felt like much. There wasn't even much of a trace of unease anymore, yet still slightly unsettled. I even stopped digging for info regarding the cosmos, because I have gathered so much that finding existing content no longer interests me. I only felt calm when I snuck onto the roof of my room during clear midnights to gaze at the stars. 

The constellations moved over the night skies as the middle months passed, entering the season where the skies are often overcast at night. I came out every night to check if the stars were out, and returning empty. Out of things to do, I started searched for content regarding wyverns, be it adult or not. I always had this interest in dragons, or wyverns in particular... Since the ARK Scorched Earth DLC 3 years ago? Even had dreams of them. Over the years, I have recognised many of the prominent characters and artists in this field. My interests were never explained, and I never even bother asking. I found this site called Herpy.nu while tracking down a recurring character from reddit submissions. It was down for a couple months in the beginning of the year before being brought back up. I was also aware of DeviantArt and FurAffinity, through the art submissions presented through the Community Crunches on the ARK Official website. There was a submission that featured a wyvern character with a Rock Drake, and that moved my interest onto FurAffinity. All these thoughts were just flowing, and I did not question. I just let my interests drift, and it landed on dragons and wyverns.

I have always kept caution with new sites and topics, unwilling to step into places beyond my control without preparation. It has been my nature all these years, but this was different. Don't know why, no questions myself either. My questions were long gone, that even the notion of bringing this thought up was faint. This seemed to touch something in the dark, that I could not understand.

The interest just latched onto something in my head, and a strong pulling force dragged me into the topic…

EARLY SEPTEMBER 2021

With this interest suddenly bypassing my nature, I drifted into that aspect of fantasy. Came across pictures with short stories, then found longer stories with the discovery of "Furry Search Engine" under SoFurry. At this point, I was spending increasingly less hours even on ARK, and just indulging in the fantasy. I felt no emotion, desire, or inspiration. Even attempts of pleasuring myself had little effect. There's just this lingering pull of curiosity that drew me into this fantasy, and I had little control over my impulses. I dug in deeper, reading longer and longer stories. The perception of day and night faded, when I kept my room dark all day to indulge in this content. With some difficulty, I managed to bypass the profile viewing limits under the cover of incognito tabs of my browser. There was a sense of annoyance, something that I have not felt in quite a while. I entered "WYVERN" into the search engine, and dug out every single story with the tag present. 

“WYVERN"
…

SEPTEMBER 16TH 2021

After the initial day, I have read through everything I could find that had some sensible content in them, often accompanied with adult content and fetishes. Came across a bunch of stories featuring a recurring female wyvern character mingling around with many male characters, and some other random transformation stories. Came across the story series "Playing Goddard", that was a good world building story. I read through the entire story series within 2 days. I felt slightly exhausted, but somehow wanting to go on. I had plenty of worthless time to spend anyways. I came out of my dark room for my usual meals, and to wash myself. Every time when I head to the sink, I stare at the mirror looking at my blank expression. After all these boring sessions of action, I went back to be room and continued to read stories until I fall asleep way past midnight. My phone was constantly on the charger, and I drifted off to bed upon finishing a story named "Wyvern's Reward".

For the first time in years of daily logins, I forgot to log into ARK. But I just didn't care. 

SEPTEMBER 17TH 2021

The biggest prize was an entire collection of dragon related stories that I uncovered behind the story named "Wyvern's Reward".  Most importantly, the stories had their worldbuilding element so well written that it instantly pulled me to follow it. One story series featuring a well-built world depicting a modern society involving dragons. Multiple story series featuring another much larger world where worldbuilding elements were constantly offered in comfortable chunks. Even little side stories that contributed more towards the world building. Read through an entire series of "Breakhorn" within a day. The element of fantasy has pulled me so deep that I felt like I was drifting into another world. It was hard to snap out of it, but I managed to do so for my daily routines, with another rare dash of annoyance. Another day of forgetting my ARK login, this time even ignoring the discord notifications of my gaming community completely. The pull just kept getting stronger.

Almost like an addiction…?

MORNING SEPTEMBER 18TH 2021

The first thing I did after waking up, was to dive back into the fantasy. I don't know why, no question. Back to the stories. Over the days, there was an accumulation of frustration and annoyance as the Furry Search Engine constantly ran into issues conflicting with the censorship of adult content. All the trouble combined with the pull into fantasy, is becoming an unbearable inner pain never felt in years. There was a sudden rattle in my head...

All this could be solved by creating a profile...

I have never created a profile in an unknown place without guidance or preparation...
But I have never done such a thing without proper preparation...
But I thought that furries were weird people that thought themselves as non-human...
But I thought that they were weird people going in the public in awkward suits...
I'm scared of a strange place full of strange people...
I'm worried that they might find out that I'm here...
I'm worried that they will stalk me... 
My family will find out that I have started mixing with weirdos...
My real friends will start calling me a weirdo...
My community and comrades will start laughing at me...
...
...
...
...
...
...

BUT ALL THIS COULD BE SOLVED BY CREATING A PROFILE...

Somehow this frustrating fact combined with the increasing pull of my interests, overcame my weird subconscious thought and I did something I have never done before in my entire life.

Creating a personal profile on SoFurry. 


EVENING SEPTEMBER 18TH 2021


After creating the profile, I quickly went through the stories without any more difficulties holding me back. I finished EVERY SINGLE STORY from this author regarding this well-built world of fantasy. Hundreds of thousands of words, within 3 days. Might have even reached 1 million over the entire week. I went straight to the bottom of all the stories, more than 3 years' worth of stories within 3 days. I have never dug up any story this deep in such quick timing. Not even the 360 chapters of the manga Berserk went that fast, I finished that within a full week and a half of intense reading years ago, while trying to somehow dive into that world...

Dive into that world...
Wait…What...?
Dive into fantasy?

For the first time ever in years a question rose up, and it kept coming...

WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT AM I DOING?

WHAT AM I DOING!?
WHAT!??????????


The end of:
"BLEU" PART 1