\n Monster I Have Become
\n\n Chapter 7
\n\n **Hey guys and gals! Has been awhile hasn't it? Sorry! But maybe this chapter will make it up! I tried my best, but you all know it all comes down to you guys and your comments (Which you guys never do!) Anyway!...NEW CHAPTER! Wait, already said that....Just read it!**
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\n\n ???Mysterious Character???
\n\n 'Why didn't they tell me they were going to attack the forest?! I never would have joined if I knew we were doing this!' I thought to myself angrily. The flames on my back growing larger as my anger grew to a size I never thought possible.
\n\n 'All my friends from school are either gone, running far away from this place, or captured......or even worse....' I kept talking to myself, not even noticing where I was, until a Shadow Ball flew over my head.
\n\n I instantly hit the ground and rolled out of sight out of instinct. When I ended my roll I stayed crouching behind a bush, listening intently for the sound of someone searching for me, but nothing reached my ears. Then, off in the distance, I heard rocks hitting the ground. The rhythm the thumps were in meant that it wasn't any regular rock slide, it was a Pokémon attack.
\n\n I leaped forward and started running towards the sound. I don't know why, but I felt like if I didn't, something was going to happen, and it wasn't going to be good.
\n\n I reached a path and decided to stay concealed, running silently along the right side of the path. By now, most of the fires had died down, so it was slightly hard to see in the night. But years of running through the night as a child made me adept at night navigation. (SO MANY WORDS I HAVE NEVER USED BEFORE!!! AAAGGGHHH!!!)
\n\n After a couple minutes, I noticed craters where, most likely, Shadow Balls had hit the ground and big round rocks that peppered the ground in random places. Then, I came upon an Umbreon that looked knocked out on the ground. As I contemplated whether I should help out someone of the enemy's type, a female human stepped out with her Primeape behind her.
\n\n I noticed the Umbreon's eyes flutter open for a brief second before shutting, but that brief second gave me a look at the color of his eyes.
\n\n "No..." I whispered.
\n\n "Did you have to hit him so hard Roque? And I seriously doubt he was the one that tried to hit me with that Shadow Ball." The female human said.
\n\n "Of course it was him! He can use Shadow Ball!" The Primeape, I guess Roque, yelled at her.
\n\n "Hey hey, I was just saying! Besides, did you ever even get a look at who shot the Shadow Ball?" The human asked him.
\n\n He was quiet for quite a bit.
\n\n "Thought so. Anyway, might as well capture the little bugger." I heard her say.
\n\n "NO!" I screamed.
\n\n I shot a Flamethrower at her to protect the Umbreon I knew so well when we were children. Luckily for her, she ducked down to reach into her backpack. As I let down the attack, I jumped out of the brush to face her Pokémon. He turned around and smirked at me.
\n\n "Lady, I have been training all day against fire! You aren't beating me!" He said to me.
\n\n "Whatever you cocky asshole!" I told him.
\n\n I fired a Flamethrower, starting off the battle. He dodged it by jumping straight up into the trees.
\n\n "Stop hiding and come fight like a man!" I screamed skyward.
\n\n "So you're comparing yourself to a man?" I hear next to my right ear, but before I can react, I hear a small laugh and the rustling of leaves indicating he jumped back to the safety of the trees. I looked up in time to see him trying to bring his leg down on my head from above with a High Kick. I sidestepped and when he hit the ground, I grabbed his shoulder in my maw, and threw him into a tree, effectively knocking him out for the time being. I looked to my left, away from the knocked out Primeape to my right, and saw the human female holding a Pokéball and shaking it in her hand, taunting me.
\n\n "Too late, little girly! I have your friend! But don't worry, you two will be together in a second!" She said to me.
\n\n "What the hell are talking about you crazy bitch?! Give him back to me!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, and starting to become teary eyed too. But before I could pounce forward and rip this bitch to pieces, shred by shred, something hit me in the back of the head and I blacked out.
\n\n Flame (Haven't seen this guy in awhile, huh, guys?)
\n\n "Man, who knew he was part of the war. Ryun's own dad......just sad. But I wonder where he and Shadow are? They have been in there for awhile; they were supposed to fight those guys off while we escaped out of the forest." I said to another forester who didn't want to hear my rambling.
\n\n "Calm down, Flame, I am right here." 'Is it really?!'
\n\n "SHADOW!!" I yelled.
\n\n "NO! NO! NO! NO POUNCING ON ME! WE AREN'T CHILDREN, FLAME!!" She yelled at me before I could act.
\n\n 'Who says I do it out of childish play?' I thought to myself. But I backed off, not wanting to scar all the children for life and then get beat up by all the parents and Shadow.
\n\n "Good boy, Flame. Now, go out there and get Ryun for me so I can kick his ass."
\n\n "Yeah, oka-......wait, did I hear you right?" I asked her in astonishment.
\n\n "If you heard, 'Good boy, Flame. Now, go out there and get Ryun for me so I can kick his ass.' then, yes, you did hear me right. So go and get him." She said back in, what I think, a slightly sing-song tone, as if she was happy that she would get to kick his ass and thoroughly enjoyed thinking of it.
\n\n 'Speaking of asses......NO! Keep your head straight man! Ryun! Gotta find Ryun!' I thought angrily to myself. "Right! I'll get him, but you aren't kicking his ass without me! He left me too, you know!" I said to her.
\n\n 'And on I go on my AWESOME misadventures! Wait...is it misadventures or adventures that are totally epic? Oh well, my adventure can be both because I am awesome!'
\n\n "What the hell are talking about you crazy bitch?! Give him back to me!"
\n\n 'Huh? Let's see...female voice, profane language, and the reference to a male...that can only mean one thing...'
\n\n "It's a heating female!" I whispered excitedly to myself. (Imagine a manly Arcanine with the face of a school girl and giggling exactly like one from an anime...that would be Flame in this scene)
\n\n I crawled stealthily through the forest...'Wait, I am already here!'
\n\n I saw a female human who didn't look beautiful which most male humans say all females are; I saw a female Quilava (I just know these things); then there was this Primeape sneaking up on Miss Cutie!
\n\n 'OH HELL NO!' I pounced, but before I landed on him he clubbed Miss Cutie upside the head with a branch. I landed on him and we rolled in the dirt for a couple seconds before breaking apart and jumping away from each other.
\n\n "How dare you do that to such a cute face?! You will pay for your crimes against all that is cute!" I yelled at the Primeape.
\n\n "Another crazy retard?! What the hell! Can I get a freaking break?!" He yelled at me. Agghh, what can I say? 'Hey! I might be a retard but at least I'm not...' Exactly!
\n\n "Whatever!" I pounced. He sidestepped me and readied his branch. 'Like that would work!' I shot a flamethrower and it hit the branch dead center. The flames instantly spread across the surface of the branch. At the same time the flames hit both ends of the branch, the Primeape threw the branch at me in the small hope of doing damage to me. 'HA! Oh man! This stupid idiot is so horrible at fighting I feel somewhat sorry for him!'
\n\n I caught the branch in my maw and just let it burn while idiot Cutie Abuser just stood there in astonishment. After I let the flames seep into my body for a bit I crushed the branch in two.
\n\n "Fire is my element, bro! You can't beat me with my own element!" I yelled to him. He shook his head to shake the shock out of his face. He looked at me with malice and a face that said "I am so gonna kick your ass to the MOON!" 'Wait.........he DID say that! OH SHIT!"
\n\n He jumped into the trees and disappeared from my view. 'Oh man, he's a monkey! Totally forgot this is his environmental element!' I stood in the center of the path for the best chance to hear him before he hits me.
\n\n "Gotcha you freaking bastard!" I looked up and shot a flamethrower into the trees above me.
\n\n "Haha, I totally won. Now to check on Miss Cutie..." I turned around and saw only the female human holding a Pokéball and shaking it tauntingly.
\n\n "Looking for this big boy?" She said to me.
\n\n 'Indeed I am big, human, in several places actually...but that's not the point!'
\n\n "Give her back! You are doing cuteness a disservice by capturing her!" I yelled at her.
\n\n "Do you ever shut up?" I heard from behind me.
\n\n I turned around and was met with a roundhouse kick to the lower jaw. I flew into the air and blacked out before I hit the ground.
\n\n Roque
\n\n 'Dear lord, please stop sending SO MANY IDIOTS MY WAY!!' I thought to the trees.
\n\n "Jeez, that kick hurt...but, he is knocked out, so I guess I should thank it. Thank you, right foot." I started rubbing and patting my right foot in appreciation.
\n\n "By the way your rubbing that foot, you either are very grateful for having it, or you got a foot fetish and are trying to get off. Either way, we need to get out of here. Too much action for one day, right Roque?" Sabrina said to me.
\n\n "Fine, whatever, let's just go home. I have had enough of today and want to take a nap." I said while nonchalantly waving my hand in exhaustion.
\n\n "Good, let's go."
\n\n Milly (Anybody remember her?)
\n\n "Flame! Flame?! Please wake up! Come on, Flame! We have to help Shadow!" I screamed at Flame.
\n\n "Whoa! Hey! Keep it down, Milly! Man, you screaming in my ear!" I heard him say. "Wait...did you say we have to help Shadow?"
\n\n "YES! We have to help Shadow!" I said to him.
\n\n Before I knew it, he had me on his back and we were racing through the forest. I gripped his fur as hard as I could so I wouldn't fly off. "Flame, she went the other way!" I screamed in his ear again.
\n\n "OW! Okay, okay! I got it!" He said to me in annoyance. He turned around and we raced on again.
\n\n Ryun
\n\n 'Oh man, what the hell happened?...SHIT! Where is he?!'
\n\n *Ryun, calm the hell down. You freakin' out over nothin'.*
\n\n 'Well, I guess I am fine if I can hear that voice.'
\n\n "Well, well. Look, Sabrina! Sleeping beauty is up! Should I club him again?" I hear from behind me. I was lying on my left side and facing a white wall. 'Where am I?' I thought to myself.
\n\n I opened my eyes and was met with a cream colored wall staring back at me. 'Hello wall. Well, that says I'm in a house. Who's though?' I rolled over and was met with an angry glare from that Primeape from earlier. 'Oh crap, he is here!'
\n\n *This guy is so annoying, Ryun! Please just let me kill him! I'll be doing the world a good deed by getting rid of his annoying voice!* *Note: Imagine him nodding his head vigorously cause thats what I imagined
\n\n 'No, Rukan. Just let it be. It's obvious he wants something from me if I am still alive.'
\n\n "By the way Roque is giving you death glares, I would say you either piss him off a lot, or Roque is stupid." The voice came from behind this so-called 'Roque.' I stretched my head out a bit to see behind him, but he moved in my way.
\n\n "What are you gonna pull?! You're planning something! I can tell!" He screamed at me. Before I could do anything, I heard what sounded like cracking but in tiny little bits and from all around. Then sharp see-through objects rained down around me and I had to duck my head. I heard a small 'thump' and looked up and saw...
\n\n "SHADOW?!"
\n\n **Like it? I hope you did! Since its Christmas-time, I should have the chapters coming faster and faster, but you never know...i could get lazy! LOL! Just kidding guys! Happy early Christmas!**
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I do find the premise of having a '???Mysterious Character???' type character a bit odd. I would think it find to do this for a little bit, but then you'd want to explain who they are relatively quickly. We are given there POV and are inside there mind, so after a short while, who they are should stop being much of a mystery, as they should be introduced and we have a grasp of who they are. x3
Saying things like (SO MANY WORDS I HAVE NEVER USED BEFORE!!! AAAGGGHHH!!!) and "*Note: Imagine him nodding his head vigorously cause thats what I imagined" where you are explicitly talking to the reader like this in parenthesis and stuff... It can detract from the story and bring the reader out of their fantasy land I believe. :3 So I'd never do that personally. x3
I read chapter six and this one, and you seem to have so so many different characters and POV switches, that it's a bit hard for me follow exactly it is what's going on with all of them, and I can't seem to find any continuity of any sort of general story plot or understand where things are going exactly as a result. x3 There seems to be a lot of action happening and characters talking to one another, but I just can't seem to make head or tail of exactly what's going on here or what it all means. x3 It's almost as if you're trying to fit multiple stories into one, and I just kind of get very lost I think...
Then again, maybe that's because I haven't read the other chapters first as well? This chapter doesn't seem as bad, but I was very lost while reading six. >.< But yeah... Seems well written other than that. >^.^<
It's not really my cup of tea as far a story goes, as there seems to be so very much talking and intricate social interactions and nuances going on. x3 But I know there are many people who like such stories like that. :3 Whenever I write, I always try to keep those kind of things to a bare minimum. And I think that's simply because I am anti-social and a loner by nature. x3 I will only have someone talk if I have a specific purpose or reason as to why I have them talking, and attempt to establish characters more through there actions then words. >^.~< But that's just the style I personally use. ;3
Well that's my short little analysis! I hope you don't think I was too harsh... Only trying to help and bring things to your attention for you to think about >^.~< BTW just in case you haven't realized... No one seems to care about a clean furry stories on sofurry! x3 They only come here for the yiff. >.> So don't feel bad if your clean story gets very little attention, comments, and faves... Because clean stories will always get significantly less! Where as if you have yiff in a story, it gets 10x more attention you see! lols x3
Long story short: Thank you for your input, and I will be changing these things in later chapters!
I'm sure being antisocial and a very big loner is a common theme among the majority of furries. x3 And taking in so much information throughout a single day? That kind of sounds like savant and there kind of autism they have... I saw this special about one, and he could memorize pie to like it's 3,000 place in his head because he associates every color to vivid colors and shapes in his brain, but he can't drive a car cuz he'll freak out from information overload. >.< My point is everyone's brain works a bit differently hehe, nothing you can do about that. ;3 It's cool you can use writing to help keep that information and as a creative outlet. >^.~<
Np, I'm glad if my words have helped you at all! Oh and you changed it from chapter 6 to chapter 7 at the top, but you still forgot to add this chapter into your folder with the others!! :3