"BLEU" PART 3

“COURAGE"

This seemed to glow in the dark with a warm light… in the dark… I stuttered for a moment, and looked around.

The glow was gone. The bubble was gone. The starlight was gone. I'm back in my room. The same old dark room illuminated by that screen. But now something felt different in me. Deep down, there was something burning like a candle in the dark. All the unease around me had vanished, and the darkness felt different too. I could sense my surroundings better. Everything around me now felt gloomy and dark. I just couldn't lay in bed anymore…

My head was clear for the first time in years, as if something had burned through the fog in my thoughts… Wait… Even my thoughts were clear too… I sat up on my bed. I could even freely access the dark place too. But I seemed to have forgotten something again. While doing this, the voice reappeared again:

ESCAPE.

When I entered the dark place, it was different again. I saw the same path with 2 lines again, but now it had illumination from a star behind. The path was no longer shrouded in darkness, but with a clear-cut space through the fog. It seemed that something had burned right through the fog along the path, like cotton candy licked by a child. The star behind twinkled with a colour that didn't look like white, but where's that bubble? It was nowhere to be seen.

Before more questions registered, the starlight behind gave a light push on my back. Without hesitation, I moved along the path and anticipated more thoughts to surface like before, but nothing appeared. Something seemed to have silenced them… almost completely… When a piece of thought came into the corner of my mind while I continued along the path. This one was crumpled, and appeared to be trashed aside. I unfolded the thought, and a flashback flooded me before it disintegrated.

Everything was a monochromic white to black, in many shades of grey. In my house. My study room downstairs. I'm was at the ground on my knees… Paper lay scattered all over the place. I recognised these papers. Exam papers on mathematics. The vision was difficult to see clearly, because my hands kept obstructing the view. There was also a weird distortion of the image… Water? I saw droplets creating circular marks on clothing and paper, and leaving reflecting spots on the floor.

UNEASE.

I could hear noises in the background. Wildly fluctuating tones and volumes. I saw a shadow rapidly approaching me, and I shook violently with my hands blocking my vision. The shadow stopped just out of view, and something fell. A knife…? A knife fell onto the floor in front of my knees with a loud clatter. A second shadow approached and the first one left, through a flurry of noise. My hands left my face and reached for the knife, picking it up. More noise continued, but my movements were unaffected. All this time, I couldn't understand anything from the noise. I held onto the knife while the second shadow faded away, and my vision darkened.

UNEASE.

I could still hear the noise in the background, and could feel the cold touch of a knife handle in my hands. There was no movement though, even if the noise continued in the background. Suddenly with a twitch, the grip on the knife handle tightened. The weight of the tool can be felt when it was lifted up slowly, while the noises behind started to dull. Nothing could be seen or felt, other than the cold sensation of the knife handle along with its weight. It was raised higher, but time seemed to have slowed down…

A colour other than black flashed.
Then the black was back.
Then a flash of another colour appeared, quicker than the first.
It was weak, but it brought a familiar voice with it…

ESCAPE.

Suddenly the vision widened, and the knife was suspended in my grip, motionless. Another hand has mine firmly held within its grasp. It wasn't mine. It appeared frailer than mine, but I did not shake it off. A shadow now partially loomed over me, and my vision began getting distorted again. My free hand went to cover part of the already limited vision as more water began falling below me… are these really water? Or are they tears? My tears?

The noise started to return from the silence. There was shouting that seemed to happen at a very close distance. The knife in my grasp was lowered and thrown away, leaving gashes in wooden furniture nearby with loud clangs. With that hand freed, it joined the other to cover my face. The light around me dimmed into a colour other than the blacks, whites, and greys, while the shadow nearby encroached on me. My vision darkened with my eyes covered, while I felt a weight and pressure embracing me… then…

Snapped back into the dark path.

The traces of that flashback were clear in my head. I can now somewhat interpret the situation. I did really bad in my studies near the end of my teens, especially my mathematics. My parents often quarrelled… I was scolded… I felt useless… I was called a failure… I was called useless… I-

Something bounced off my forehead, as if someone threw paper trash in my face like during school days… I paused for a second at that thought, but snapped back. There's no way someone could be here throwing stuff at me. All around me were silent darkness…

To my surprise, the surroundings have changed again. There is a dark horizon separating what seems like ground… and sky…? There wasn't just one star above anymore. The single star was no longer shining as bright. Instead, there were multiple smaller ones around it to give the same illumination together. They seemed to be clustered in a shape, while twinkling in unison…

Is this really a sky? The darkness above the horizon seemed to have lifted slightly, illuminated by the stars? There are a few stars here, and plenty of these… wait… clouds?

Snapped back onto the dark path.

What was that snap of focus? I looked at my feet, to see another scrunched-up ball. Another thought… This one had a slight force that drew me to pick it up and open it. Like before it quickly vanished upon opening, leaving another flashback in my head.

This seemed to be a continuation of the previous… but the location has changed… I'm still in my same clothing, but now my face was buried in a pillow. It was sweltering hot, but I didn't seem to care. I just planted my face in bed in an attempt to make my vision fade to black. I know this place… All too familiar… There's no mistaking it…

MY ROOM…

It did not look exactly as my current room, but there was no doubt. Maybe this was years back before National Service… A deeper question resonated within me…

WHY AM I LOOKING AT THIS?

There was no answer.

My vision just remained buried in the pillow. A wet blotch formed underneath on the fabric. Everything seemed silent forever. I couldn't leave the vision. It could not fade to black, but there was seemingly no way out either. This was similar to my experience… some time ago? There was a feeling of emptiness… But this wasn't in the dark place… The feeling was similar, but slightly different?

Is this despair?

……

……

……

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

There was a noise that shook my senses. It was from the door. I did not move.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

Again. This shook me again, but I ignored it.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

Again. This was starting to get irritating.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

I heard a call. There was a response from me in the form of a sobbing shout, but I couldn't hear the words. However, there was a clear tone of irritation.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

The same voice again, but it never raised in tone to reply to my irritation. I still couldn't tear my face off the soggy pillow.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

The voice sounded again. The irritation just kept building up, that I could feel it through the vision… I heard a clear shout:

“Just go away…"

This sensation was getting familiar. I had this… irritation… just recently… and expected something to happen…?

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK !!!

This feeling is back again. I have somewhat expected this to happen…?

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK !!!

I could see my vision trying to dig deeper into the pillow with all the might mustered, but there was no black. The light just doesn't fade out. Neither the vision nor my attention. I couldn't tear my eyes off it. I couldn't snap out of this either. When the intensity seemed to built to infinite levels…

ESCAPE.

YOU CAN GET THE COURAGE.

“I WANT TO TALK TO YOU."

Two familiar sensations, accompanied by another voice… Not from myself? One sensation felt the same, but the other felt slightly different. There was an added element to it? No, Put that aside… What was this third voice? It had a weird relation to one of the others, but not entirely… The biggest difference was… This wasn't from me…

This somehow overcame the stubbornness of my past self. The vision lifted from the pillow and headed sluggishly to the door. With a quiet turn of the door knob, the door slowly opened to reveal a figure standing behind. I laid back on the bed, while the other figure followed in quietly before closing the door.

Anyone could have guessed who this was… the closest member in my family to me, the only one willing to talk long hours with me… She's the only one that could fully understand the underlying difficulties, problems…

ANSWERS?
WHERE?
ME?
MYSELF?

A weird feeling overcame me, but the view just kept going on… I was stunned. The same weight and pressure embraced me again, and I could see it this time… A hug. The vision distorted and darkened slowly, but I managed to catch glimpses of myself crumpling into the embrace. The intensity crumbled, while muffled voices that surfaced through the sobs resonated deep within me…

“YOU SHOULD HAVE… TOLD ME EARLIER"

I was suddenly back onto the path again. Something within me had changed again. I looked around, and the surroundings have changed again. The fog was now gone, and the sky seemed clearer than before. The stars have increased again and started to take on a shape, but they don't seem to add up to the brightness. Is this moonlight? What am I thinking? Am I drifting again-

I felt a weight within that kept building up, along with a sense of urgency? I could somehow control my questions now, but something was still missing…

ANSWERS.

I suddenly felt choked. The light around me revealed a sea of chains. But why chains? Every single one was cold, black, heavy, and menacing. I can see locks on them. The further I looked, the more there are. Upon setting my sights on them, a crazy flow of thoughts overwhelmed my head…

No! Is This a dream!? No! This is not a dream! No! I shouldn't give worry to anyone! No! They are just going to scold me! No! they are just going to laugh at me! No! I don't think this is going to change anything! No! This isn't reality! No! This is not in my control! No! This is not in my plans! No! There isn't a plan in this! No! This is against my realistic morals! No! This is a bad idea! No! This shouldn't change like this! No! This can't end like this! No! This is not supposed to work like this! No! This is not me! No! This is not myself! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!.............!!!!!

EVERYTHING FLASHED BEFORE ME. ALL MY MEMORIES. ALL MY MORALS. TIME STARTED TO SEEMINGLY FLOW AGAIN. WHY ARE THEY ALL HOLDING ME BACK? DO I REALLY HAVE NO WAY OUT OF THIS? I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS! I REALLY WANT TO STOP THIS MADNESS! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO SHIT? I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! I VALUE MY LIFE! I JUST CAN'T END MY LIFE HERE! I TRIED BUT I CAN'T! WHAT'S EVEN HOLDING ME BACK! WHAT'S ALL THIS FANTASY AND DREAMING? I'M GETTING TIRED OF THIS NONSENSE! DO I HAVE TO DRIFT IN THIS LIKE AN IDIOT? WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE SO SHIT? HAVE I NOT CHANGED AT ALL SINCE SCHOOL? WHY AM I EVEN THINKING OF ALL THIS? CAN'T I FIND A WAY OUT OF THIS?

MYSELF!!!????

……

……

……

No answer. Everything just blacked out. Back in the room again. I think I feel asleep… but I woke up even more tired…I'm growing tired of this… really tired of this… I cannot even get myself to do anything anymore… I thought that I had a way out of this, but this just wasn't not going anywhere… Even my current thoughts felt unnatural.

I took my phone and looked at the time. 1 hour passed. It was even fully charged now. I don't know. Everything felt unnatural. Not even my past mental struggles were like this… Something was missing in this… I had a clear thought now, I could question myself, but I still felt empty… Everything around me looked dull. I went to the bathroom and washed my face, and it was just about dinnertime. I looked into the mirror again, I still have the same face, same expression. But I felt a heavy cloud in my head that doesn't seem to dissipate. There's this already overwhelming sense of confusion and denial, but directed all over the place… I felt like a pinball bouncing infinitely within a black empty box.

I went for dinner. The food seemed good, but I just couldn't enjoy it. Everything around me just seemed dull. Talking sounded like noise from a scrambled radio channel. I could respond to my family when they talked to me, but my mind felt detached. I couldn't get myself to enjoy anything. A shower wasn't refreshing at all. I just went to turn on the tap, forgetting about the light and water heater. The cold water didn't even seem to have any help to dispel this mood…

I went back to my room after dinner like nothing happened. But deep down, there was utter turmoil. It felt like pressure and stress from every single direction, accompanied by bursts of more intense hammerings when a thought got through. Getting crushed, pushed, hammered, battered, squashed, pelted, buffeted from everything. Everything felt fake. Every thought I had, was countered with Nos and “reasons"!?

The intensity inhibited any stupid thoughts like self-harm or indulgence, it's just not the way… but why!? I felt like ripping my hair out, but why can't I? I felt like shouting until my throat bursts, but why can't I make a sound? I felt like just running away from the suffering, but why can't I? I felt like thrashing up my room and stomping the ground with all my might, but what is stopping me!? I tried to relax and even escape, but why isn't it working? I felt like destroying everything, but why I keep saying it's impossible? This world… That world… Everything… just felt like a lie… Even MYSELF…

WHY???

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING???

WHY DO I ALWAYS RUN INTO SOMETHING WHEN I KEPT THINKING OF MYSELF!?

……

……

……

No Answer…

ANSWER…

Is there an answer…?

A real answer?

A truth?

Suddenly my thoughts just stopped. This seemed to echo all the way into the bottom of my heart. Now I can sense that something is still missing. Something related to something I have not experienced a long time ago… I just couldn't remember…

REMEMBER…?

A sudden voice sounded, that seemed to shut up the rest behind… Another feeling that something deep down lifted off…

“YOU SHOULD HAVE… TOLD ME EARLIER"

Somehow, I stopped thinking. Everything stopped. The madness stopped. The denial stopped. The questions stopped. The thoughts stopped. The crazy sounds of NOs stopped. The confusion stopped. Even time stopped.

I think I finally understood what was missing.

I was myself, but also not myself, in denial of myself, unaware of myself, annoyed of myself, sad of myself, mad of myself, irritated of myself, disappointed of myself, tired of myself, confused of myself, suspicious of myself, distressed of myself, rejecting myself, …………

I'm on myself…

But why not anyone else…?

ENOUGH.

Forget about the thoughts… I need help… I just really need help… I just can't go on anymore… This cannot keep continuing… This is not going anywhere… I'm tired of this and that… I'm tired of all this nonsense… I'm tired of this denial… I'm tired of this madness… I'm tired of this reality…I'm tired of that fantasy… I'm tired of this darkness…I'm tired of these morals… I'm tired of these memories… I'm tired of these flashbacks… I'm tired of these drifts… I'm tired of these voices… I'm tired of all these strange feelings…I'm tired of this stress…I'm tired of this anxiety… I'm tired of this unease… I'm tired of these stupid procrastinations… I'm tired of this game… I'm tired of these idiots online… I'm tired of this responsibility… I'm tired of this freaking pandemic… I'm tired of this stupid online study… I'm tired of this computer… I'm tired of this stupid internet… I'm tired of reading these stories… I'm tired of looking at my phone all day… I'm tired of charging it all day… I'm tired of lazing in my bed with endless time… I'm tired of this lifestyle… I'm tired of doing nothing… I'm tired of finding something to do… I'm tired of following others… I'm tired of this never-ending boredom… I'm tired of looking in the mirror… I'm tired of this life… I'm tired of being myself… I've had enough of these thoughts… I can no longer solve this alone… I cannot ask myself anymore… I cannot go through this myself anymore… I cannot go through this alone anymore… I just really need help…

NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

NO.

N-

ENOUGH!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

THIS IS ENOUGH!!!

THIS IS ENOUGH NOS!!!

THIS IS ENOUGH THOUGHTS!!!

ENOUGH EXCUSES!!!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

A loud roar rattled within my head and I stood up in the middle of my room, but nothing came out of my mouth. The only sound I heard was low hum coming from the electric fan in the corner of my room. I felt my eyelids opened to the widest, brows scrunched up rock solid, lips drawn all the way back, jaws locked together tighter than binder clips, with heavy breaths huffing and puffing like some beast. Everything was dark, and illuminated by that… enough mentioning of it.

The intensity quickly faded and my body relaxed. My head was clear again, but that emptiness still remained. But this time, something was different again. It was a combination of many sensations felt before, added with something else. It felt familiar like something from the past, but I can't seem to understand it… A pushing force…

I tried looking into the dark place, but there was just emptiness. There was no path, no force there, just the stars in the night sky. I tried to linger around, but nothing happened. I wait-

……

……

……

ENOUGH.

I NEED HELP.

I REALLY NEED HELP.

FROM SOMEONE…

There was now an act in my mind. This pushing force was not happening in the dark place. My movements just seemed natural. I turned around to from my bed and computer, towards the door. I took slow but steady steps, even forgetting to grab my phone. The slightest bit of attention on the computer screen was now all but gone. I just moved to the door… turned the doorknob… opened it up…

AND WALKED INTO THE YELLOW CORRIDOR LIGHT…

The end of:
"BLEU" PART 3