Could use being a lot shorter. You've spent 18 pages displaying something that could more effectively and evocatively been portrayed in three to five, and the story itself cuts off with a damp squib before anything interesting really happens. A lot of the text is also entirely unneccessary. The art of comic book scripting is in telling the story with the pictures. This is more like an over-illustrated piece of flash fiction. I'd suggest either toning down the amount of words and increasing the visual impact of the pictures so that they show the story more dynamically, or toning down the number of pictures and treating it as an illustrated short.

I also wish that there was some means on Y* for grouping related comic pages together into one entry with flipable pages, rather than having to post every page individually thus spamming out the 'new artwork' area, but that's clearly not your fault and it makes more sense in the circumstances to have them all up there in order. It'd make an interesting addition to the site though. Maybe a PDF-showing plug-in...