Type: Prose

Length: < 500 words

Description: You're walking in the woods. There's no one around and your phone is dead. Out of the corner of your eye you spot them: a big hulking werewolf.

WRITING LESSONS FROM A CENSOR

Nihil obstat. Imprimatur.

This document seeks to introduce novice censors to the judicious expurgation of texts considered largely appropriate by the Inquisition. We are the primary bulwark of Catholicism against the spread of apostasy, heresy, and blasphemy, and as such, we must be constantly vigilant against these pernicious ideas. At the same time, we must take care not to purge officially sanctioned ideas, for the blunting of the truth is just as harmful as the spread of lies (Deut. 4:2).

A sample text from the popular book, “A Dialogue with the Wolf Bisclavret", is presented here to illustrate common errors of thought and proper censorship thereof.

It was a bright and sunny day when I went out into the woods to meet the learned, excellent, and free werewolf Bisclavret, to discuss his opinions on philosophy, arts, and the natural sciences.

Although the Church considers werewolves creatures of God, it is not Bisclavret's nature that is being judged here, but rather his professed religion. As he confesses later on to being of the Protestant faith, this calls into question his entire corpus of knowledge: the words “learned and excellent" must thus be stricken out.

Bisclavret recalled being taught by Dominican friars before his conversion to Protestantism. “I don't know how I didn't end up like one of them," he laughed. “After all, I already am domini canes."

This crude wordplay, while popular with the masses, ridicules the Church, and must be stricken out.

I sat next to Bisclavret. The large, hulking wolf-man moved with a grace and elegance that belied his noble background. His strong, doggish scent grew more potent, and I found myself drawn to him in the manner of the Greeks.

While classical Greek works may be read by adults, the “manner of the Greeks"--also called the “Florentine crime"--refers to the grave sin of sodomy, and cannot be promoted at any cost. This sentence and the bawdy description which no doubt follows must all be expurgated.

“It is known that all planets revolve around the Sun, as we revolve around God," he said, after we had separated. “I myself have studied the art of astronomy; as you can imagine, I take a keen interest in the phases of the moon."

Multiple issues exist here: “after we had separated" again refers to sodomy, and must be stricken out. “As we revolve around God" presupposes authority to talk about religion, which Bisclavret is unfit to do as a Protestant. The heliocentric heresy is mentioned as well; however--this need not be censored, as it is being proposed by a Protestant, and is thus assumed to be wrong.

“If I were king," he mused, “I would decree that all men spend a month as a wolf--wild and free."

This passage not only promotes witchcraft, but also implicates the divinely ordained Crown. It must thus be stricken out.

Over the next few years, you will be exposed to more texts such as these. Keep these guidelines in mind--adhere to the Tridentine Rules--always obey your superior's judgments--and soon you will rise in the ranks.

Semper vigilans, novices!

Final word count: 515