Broken Pieces

Chapter Nine

By Roofles

“Logan!” Alan waved at the other human at the party, jogging past everyone else to join up with him. Reese watched him go, ear flicking, before returning to his spot at the party to watch and keep an eye on everyone there.

Feeling more like a warden in a prison yard, making sure everyone behaved.

Logan would keep Alan safe and the second his mate had left his side; Reese saw Barrett tailing after him to replace the absence left in the large wolf’s wake. Barrett stepping in to fill that role as a substitute while Reese went off to play Alpha.

There were already several wolves waiting for Reese to come back, hoping to garner some kind of favor from their Alpha or to report something in. It would keep Reese busy for the rest of the night. Only the good die young and Reese had too much blood on his hands to rest any time soon as he began working even during the party.

“Hey there, Alan.” Logan exchanged a strong hug with the human before stepping aside. “I was just talking with my new friend here,” Logan glancing over at the nutty brown furred wolf sitting in a chair in the corner of the party.

Away from it all.

The back yard was large, stretched back like a football field and it was covered with people. Wolves from the area, and around the city, had been invited and welcomed to join in the luau that Reese was throwing for the new members joining them. It reminded a lot of them of the old Midnight Howl bonfire that the previous Alpha’s used to put on for them.

It was a good way to check in with the members, to reward them for their efforts and a way for the others to catch up. Exchanging “war stories,” as it were, about what they’d been up to the previous month. Some wanted to brag, others wanted to warn about places not to cross, and then there were those looking to get a good lay in if they could find anyone to do it with.

The last thing had been a major issue in the previous packs, even if it was still done in secret. Sex was supposed to be allowed only by the Alpha, pairing up couples to procreate for the greater good of the whole, instead of the pleasure of the individual. This pack, however, it was claimed to be more open-minded, letting you date or sleep with whomever you chose as long as you followed the other rules. However, Alan noted as he looked around the back yard, that there were no other pups there besides PB’s. Even after roughly two years of these wolves showing up at their door. He knew they were sexually active; Alan having stumbled in on some numerous times in the past year alone. It was still odd that none had chosen to have pups.

PB, this outsider, had been the only one to sire any pups over these past several years. That spoke volumes about their current situation and yet no one dared to say a word about it. The meat shortage, possibly on an instinctual level, made it hard to have any desire to have pups. While others waited for the Alpha to give the order to.

Alan shook the thoughts from his mind as Salt and Pepper came over quickly, bumping into each other, to sniff Alan over both in greeting and to make sure he was okay.

“Reese didn’t do anything, did he?” Salt was asking, lifting up one of Alan’s arms. It got a look from the others there, but the human just shook his head, letting the wolf do it. It made Salt happy, and it was a simple thing for the human to give the young teenage wolf in return for his good behavior.

“Alpha,” Barrett corrected, and Alan shot him a look. The wolf just gave a smirk in reply as if to say he wouldn’t ever apologize for the correction.

“Brother-Alpha can be very… mean.” Pepper nodded. Even as the larger of the two brothers, he was hiding behind Salt as if worried Reese was going to come over to discipline them for their behavior.

“He’s just a lot of bark.” Alan smiled back, refraining from mentioning that Reese’s bite was far worse than his bark. “Are you enjoying the party and food, everyone?” He asked but his eyes lingered on the wolf in the chair.

It was a cheap plastic white lawn chair that PB was sitting in. The nutty brown furred wolf kept his head down, refusing to look at anyone there as if hoping if he didn’t see them they wouldn’t be able to see him. Logan claimed he’d been talking to PB, but it was more likely that the human had been talking at PB, rather than having any kind of discussion with the wolf.

PB’s pups were running around, staying nearby but giving their father some space while he sulked. Or maybe he was cowering? It was hard to say.

PB did react on hearing Alan’s voice and his eyes shot up to look at the human before drifting back down, not answering him. Alan noted that, despite having pups, PB had only been given one plate of food. A small plate. The food had been quickly devoured from it, but it wasn’t nearly enough.

“Barrett,” Alan said, and the other wolf frowned already seeing where this was going. “I’m starving. Can you get me a plate of food? Like, a really big plate? With extra chicken and peas. Thanks.” Alan was the on to smirk at Barrett, knowing the wolf wouldn’t refuse.

“As you wish, Alpha-mate.” Barrett crossed an arm over his chest, bowing to Alan before marching off. He was already snapping his fingers at two other wolves, getting them to come along to assist him. Barrett wouldn’t have left Alan alone if it weren’t for Logan filling in the role.

“It’s nice to have a party like this again,” Alan looked around the back yard. His eyes would linger when they passed by Reese or glanced over at PB, but he refused to stare at either of them.

“And here I thought you had parties like this all the time.” Logan teased. His smile was fake, and Alan could see Logan already trying to pick apart what Alan had said.

In some ways, it was annoying. In others, it was refreshing. Logan was always keenly interested in what you had to say. Maybe to a point of it being dangerous. Logan wanting to know everything. Alan appreciated it at times, having someone to talk to. Able to fill Logan in on what was going on and having his support in the matter.

“Not really…” Alan rubbed his arms. “It’s just… complicated.”

“Oh?” Logan asked, stepping closer now. He tried to appear relaxed, disinterested but it was clear to Alan he was holding onto his every word he had to say.

Alan also noted how tired and haggard Logan was looking these days. The man was pushing himself, refusing to ask for help with whatever he’d been up to this past year. Alan had to, on more than one occasion, force Logan to eat, shower and nap. Feeling like Logan had become another child he needed to watch over and help out as he did with Salt and Pepper.

“The wolves are busy with a lot of stuff. They don’t have the time for parties, heh. The dogs aren’t around anymore... Afraid to come over,” Alan didn’t even bother to sugar coat it and Logan frowned at that. “Reminds me of home…”

“Home?” Logan lifted an eyebrow. Seeing as how no one else was willing to ask, he would. PB was trying to disappear, Barrett had gone to get food and Salt and Pepper were preoccupied keeping the pups busy.

“When I was young, yeah. We never had parties or anything of the like. No birthdays. No Christmas. Nothing. Not like this… Not like we had before the dogs left. I grew up in squaller, Logan. Filthy white trash trailers from a white trash family. Filthy poor, I should say.” Alan laughed softly, though his smile didn’t touch his eyes as it normally did. “I was taught to be good. To follow our lord and savior. To be kind to others… only to see my parents do anything but. I was punished if I ever pointed this out,” Alan rested back on the fence looking out over everything. “In a way, maybe, I understood that. Them. Wolves. How things were. To be punished for trying to be yourself. To fit in. No matter how hard you tried, no matter what you did… there would be those who would never accept you.”

Logan grimaced as his eyes shifted towards the brown furred wolf as if waiting for him to say something.

PB shifted at his side but didn’t say anything.

“They were white trash, my parents. The definition of white trash. They lived off the state. Popping pills, drinking, snorting whatever they could… I swear they only had me to get a bigger cut from the state. They drank like dying fish and rewatched the same old black and white shows always talking about how much better things used to be. They would bitch and moan and complain while never trying to do anything to change things. To change themselves. To be better. To make things better! No hopes. No dreams. Stagnant and dead… But expected me to be…” Alan closed his eyes, letting out a breath.

“To be better?” Logan asked.

“Hah, I wish! They wanted me as sad and miserable as they were. Fuckin’ messed up pricks. Wanted more misery and to spread it to others… They’d hit me. Constantly.” Alan’s smile faltered even more as he thought about it, his eyes glazing over recalling it. PB being here did that. Brought these old wounds, old things, old memories bubbling back to the surface. “When I talked back? When I ask questions? Hell, when I did my homework! They would find something to get on me for. I didn’t do the dishes or took out the trash fast enough, that I was wasting my time studying and I should be working already instead. Only to get on me when I did what they said... When I listened and did what I was told to do, supposed to do. They’d just reverse it on me. Hit me for not studying. Hit me for not doing the chores. Hit me for… who the fuck knows. No winning that. Not when you were a helpless kid.”

“Fuck, dude.” Logan could only say.

“So, yeah. These parties? I fucking love these parties. I love the holidays. I love celebrating things! Halloween? Thanksgiving? All of it! Because, growing up, I never had that. This. Never could do that, when I was younger…” Alan took a second, eyes glazing over as he thought about it.

That white trash trailer park. There were empty cans and bottles littering the ground. Trash bags piling up, ripped, or leaking. Festering, pushed into the corner of the place before it spilled out for all to see. The smell was always nauseating, especially during the summer. There were too many trailers for the small plot of land. Most were filled with people on Medicaid or some other government support. Breathing from oxygen tanks and popping pills to get through the day.

Walking in on his parents. His father blue in the face. Screaming as he ran over to try and revive him after another overdose. His mother shouting at him. Hitting him. Telling him he better not call an ambulance. That it was no one else’s business what they needed to do.

He remembered the tears more than the bruises. Being hit from behind by his mother as he did CPR on his father. Hoping they hadn’t run out of Narcan. Turning him to the side so the vomit would cough out of his mouth. That rancid taste as Alan was forced to place his mouth over his…

Then, by some cruel miracle, his father would recover, and his parents would pop pills to calm down. Xanax or whatever they had on hand. Calming down their anxiety and just crashing on the sofa, staring blankly at the TV as Alan, in tears, would clean up his father’s vomit on the floor. As his parents would just stare at the TV, refusing to bring what had happened up again…

How many years had he gone through that. Refusing to go home most nights. Just standing there, by the front gate to the trailer park, wondering if this time when he came home neither of them would be alive. They would be. They survived longer than Alan thought a human body could. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not…

Alive and yet not living.

Not like this. Despite it all, Alan was happy to see the tiki torches out. To see the cheap leis spread out over the tables, the plastic palm leaves stabled to them or hanging from the set up stands they had out and around the grills. He would’ve preferred to do a firepit, but this had been a last-minute planned thing.

It looked cheap but no one complained about it. As if not expecting anything else.

Maybe, for them, these wolves, this was something new and exciting. A party like this. Just a fun gathering to eat, talk and drink. A place that was safe for them to be themselves and enjoy the freedom this wolf sanctuary provided them without the ever-watchful eyes of the police or government or society on them.

They didn’t need to chase a high or shoot up to forget. It was nothing like the days crying underneath the trailer, covering his ears as his parents shouted inside. He never knew why they fought. They didn’t need a reason to. They just fought because, maybe, it was how they felt alive…

Not like this. Alan refused to live in a place like that ever again.

“You know how things are, out there…? I was taught that was a good thing, at a young age.” Alan said looking up to watch the puppies run across the back yard. The group of them playing together happily, blissfully unaware how the world would see and treat them once they left the safety of this place. “That it was somehow a good thing for wolves to stick with other wolves. That cats stay with cats. Humans stay with humans. So, you can repopulate and spread or whatever...” Alan had to laugh loudly at that, it was a harsh sound. “That we’re only put on this planet to be good little Christian soldiers to breed and produce an army in order to protect what is ours…”

At least that’s how his grandparents saw things. They refused to help their child, Alan’s mother, and would just get on them constantly they needed to find Jesus. That it would solve all their problems. Living in their rich house, in a nice neighborhood, never knowing what it was like to eat raw meat because you were so hungry you didn’t care how it tasted…

Alan’s hand tightened, closing his eyes as he tried to forget about it. About them. His past. PB was right there. Sitting there, next to him. A past impossible to forget, to ignore. And it was like a crack in the wall Alan had created, everything beginning to spill out, again, threatening to drown him…

“Dammit…” Alan cursed, not looking at anyone now as his eyes glistened with tears.

PB had been the one good thing in his life. The one stable, healthy thing. His friend, his classmate, the one that had been there for him when he thought to end it all. The one who had cried with him after knocking the knife out of Alan’s hand. The wolf hugging, holding him as he whined that he couldn’t do that to him.

That Alan couldn’t just leave him like that.

The cuts are Alan’s arm had long since healed. He still traced the spots they were at, wondering why he had done it. It hadn’t helped. It hurt and little else. A cry for help? Unable to stand being in that fucked up place any longer? It was hard to say. Maybe impossible to, now that he was older and happier…

When PB had disappeared, the thoughts had returned. Those dark thoughts. Wondering if pills were a way to cope. If he’d find the answers at the bottom of a bottle. Maybe he hadn’t cut deep enough… in the end, Alan had chosen to just stop. Stop feeling the pain. Stop wondering things.

Alive but not living…

Not like this.

Barrett came over with food then, and a drink. Alan took the drink and motioned for him to give the food to the pups. Barrett didn’t question it, nor question when Alan took the smaller side plate and placed it next to PB. Even if it wasn’t supposed to be done in a wolf pack, they let Alan get away with it.

Probably because none of the wolves there saw Alan as part of their pack. He wasn’t a wolf after all. Hell, they probably didn’t even see PB as a wolf. Without ears? Without a tail? How could you call yourself a wolf looking as he did…

Logan watched as Alan rolled the beer around in hand, not interrupting as Alan just stared at it.

“I had so many dreams growing up. I wanted a better future than what my parents wanted for me. To get out there. Go to college! See the world… Talk to cows and crocodiles and… wolves.” Alan’s face soften as he spoke. “To see how things really were with my own eyes… And then I met him.”

“Who?” Logan asked but already knowing, seeing the discomfort on PB’s face as the wolf just lowered his head down.

PB had been the only one to know what kind of life Alan had, growing up. PB the only one Alan had foolishly invited over to his house. Alan just didn’t want to go there alone. He was a dumb kid. He didn’t realize how fucked up things were until PB confronted him about it years later.

To Alan? That had been normal. That was how life was. The child is supposed to take care of the parents. Never wondering what it would be like to just… not. To not care. To not help them. Not until PB had come into his life. To force Alan to question things, to give him a way out.

To give him hope that, maybe, Alan could be happy too…

PB took the food given to him and ate it, clearly hungry. Maybe even starving. The smell of freshly cooked chicken was impossible to ignore. Meat was expensive. It wasn’t something they could come by easily any longer. While a dog could eat canned dog food and be sated, a wolf’s predatory hunger for fresh meat and blood couldn’t.

It was like a drug and PB inhaled the food, devouring it quickly and licking his plate. Alan watched from the corner of his eye, taking a drink. He recalled that. Recalled being so god damn hungry that he was picking the crumbs off the floor… eating raw meat because they had lost power again, his parents refusing to pay the electricity bill that month… digging through the trash and wondering if it was okay to eat moldy bread or… or… or….

“The one I thought I could fly away with.” Alan looked down at the beer in his hand. “To follow those dreams to our happily ever after…”

The pups swarmed Barrett, and the trio watched as the older wolf handed out the food, barking at them to behave and that they needed to share. Barrett didn’t encourage the smaller, weaker members nor did he chide the bigger, stronger pups for stealing food from the others. He just let things take their natural course before walking back over.

Alan watched. It was hard to see one of the smaller pups go without food. He wanted to go over there and do something but couldn’t. Those weren’t his kids… his pups… they were PB’s and the wolf didn’t even lift a finger to help.

“Before our wings were clipped...” Alan shook his head, took a long drink, and let out a heavy groan, rolling one shoulder. It was a wonder that he didn’t have his parents’ addictive personality, not inheriting such cursed traits but knowing they were there still. Inside him, somewhere. That if he had kids? They might be just as fucked up as his parents had been. Inheriting the cursed traits of his family. “Now I’m here. Funny how that works, huh?”

They watched the pups play and Alan smiled at how much they resembled their father. So cute. So fluffy. Bundles of boundless energy. Smiling and barking and playing… just like that wolf pup that had come up to Alan, grabbing his hand and forcing him to play with him.

Alan had thought PB was a dog back then. Funny how that works. Not that Alan knew what it was like. He was just happy that someone wanted to talk to the skinny white kid, wearing clothes a size too large. Old, ragged clothes that they had gotten from the salvation army. They smelled funny and the others teased him about it. Not PB. Not the wolf pup that had grabbed his hand and dragged him along to play.

Alan knew he had gone along with it because PB had promised to share his peanut butter and egg sandwich with him. It sounded terrible and yet it had been one of the most delicious things Alan had ever eaten in his life.

The two sitting behind the school together, eating. Away from it all. Alan kicking his legs as they sat at school table. Kicking his legs next to a nutty brown furred wolf pup that was all too happy to be with him. PB’s tail wagged. It had never stopped wagging when the two of them were together.

He had such a bright smile. It filled his face, and the wolf pup showed his fangs even after being told not to by the teacher numerous times. Because, when PB was with Alan, the wolf could smile and Alan, not knowing it wasn’t okay, never got on him for it.

Able to smile back. Maybe. Maybe for the first time in his life. Able to smile without someone yelling at him for it. For hitting him for it. To tell him to get back to work. To stop making a fool of himself. That someone could smile at him and that Alan, that Alan could smile back…

Now. Now PB just looked miserable, sitting there. Still holding the plate of food, staring at it as if thinking the very same thoughts.

“What? Never thought about starting up a family with Reese?” Logan asked and PB finally looked at him. Even the human took note of the cold look the brown furred wolf gave him with his good eye, his lips twitching with a low growl.

“Never. I never once ever thought about having kids.” Alan shrugged as the two looked at him. “If Reese wanted pups? That’d be fine. I’ll never have kids though. I won’t give them, my parents, the sick satisfaction of knowing I’m keeping the Burges name alive. It’ll die with me. One last fuck you to them before they go… I never had any siblings and my parents split apart years ago. Doubt either of those two junkies would find matches again… if they were even able to have kids. If they’re even alive...”

Alan took a drink, not needing to say he lost contact with the two.

Logan looked back towards the pups.

“And I don’t think Reese wants that either. For him. He doesn’t want to risk having another… him.” Alan’s voice was low, and he didn’t explain further and neither of the two asked. “It’s nice though, to see pups. To see kids here. To see the next generation. I get it, I do. Why people have kids. I just… have too much baggage to have any children. For my children to shoulder the weight of any of that shit. Be fucked up to ask them to. Ask them to help me… to take care of me… to expect to clean up after...”

Alan couldn’t finish his words as he stared down at the beer bottle in his hand. Unable to say the things he had to do for his parents. There was only one person in his life who knew the hell that Alan had to endure at home.

It was the very wolf sitting by his side now. The one that could understand the burdens of family and the weight it placed on you from it all. Their expectations. Their wants and desires. Everything they asked for, giving just enough in return that you don’t run away. Just enough that you only placed the knife’s blade to the skin, afraid to pull back. Afraid to end it all…

“Isn’t that why parents have kids?” Logan snorted, laughing about it with a shake of his head.

Alan didn’t ask about Logan’s parents, knowing not to. He knew that Logan’s family was off limits when they talked and respected him for that. Even knowing what happened to his younger brother, Alan didn’t know anything about his parents. The look on Logan’s face, when he thought no one was looking, told Alan enough.

They all had their own scars. Alan knew that. Experienced that enough to last a lifetime and still come up with change.

“You enjoying the party? It is in your honor.” Alan asked PB without looking at the wolf. The wolf grunted in reply, not saying anything. “Hey, Logan?” He asked and the other human was already nodding.

“I’ll keep the pups busy.” Logan gave him a wave before jogging over to join them and Barrett in the wrestling game they were playing. Alan watched him go, missing Logan’s company already.

Neither of the two spoke. Not at first.

United, back together again after all these years and PB and Alan had so little to say to each other. Just as they had done when Alan had stood on PB’s door nearly five years ago. Standing there, unable to knock. To announce his presence. Questioning why he was even there, if he should disturb this wolf trying to hide away from it all.

“They’re fucking adorable.” Alan said, watching the pups. “I might’ve changed my mind to have kids if they were that damn freaking cute…”

PB glanced up at his pups. He didn’t feel comfortable bringing his pups to another wolf’s territory, knowing what could happen. It was commonplace for other packs to take in children, to steal them and raise them as their own. Or to kill them. Parents weren’t close to their pups, PB knew that all too well. It was why he had done everything he could to be a father to them.

No matter how broken he was, he tried.

He also couldn’t leave them back home alone. They weren’t old enough for that. Not yet. Not yet to be tossed into the harsh, unforgiving world they lived in. So many predators didn’t make it. So many turned to drugs, others to crime, and still most didn’t make it to the age of thirty. The lucky ones got locked away…

“Yeah.” PB voice cracked softly, and he paused when a bottle was offered to him. He looked up the arm, into Alan’s face, who smiled down at him. It was a pained sight to see. Alan had always been the shorter one of the two. To see the human standing there, above him, was a shock to the wolf’s system. “I don’t drink…” PB used to be the one to get him food. To give him drinks. To be the strong one in their friendship.

“It’s root beer.” Alan chuckled as he pulled up another chair, taking a seat next to the wolf. “Non-alcoholic.”

“Where did you even get that?” PB sniffed the opening of the bottle. Even with his bent nose, he could tell Alan wasn’t lying.

Because Alan never lied to him…

Alan told him his darkest secrets. Told him about his family. About his home… Told him things he had never told anyone else. Alan had placed that much trust in his lap. In a wolf’s lap. Eventually answering all the questions PB asked him. Forced him to say. To tell him where he had gotten the bruise that day or why his lunch box was empty again. Why his shirt had cigarette burns in them…

That he liked boys. That he had feelings for the wolf. That he wasn’t sure if he understood what “love” was after everything he’d been through. And PB. PB had. He had…

What had PB done back then…?

“Clem. Clem has a secret stash he keeps hidden around the area. The other wolves try to find it, but the boxer is damn persistent and moves it around when no one is watching.” Alan chuckled lightly. His face looked tired, PB could tell.

He always knew when Alan was holding something back.

“Clem…” PB frowned at the name. “I’m surprised he’s still around. Or alive.” He said the words, but it seemed to be directed at Alan, as if he were surprised Alan had stayed here after it all.

“Yeah, some bonds are hard to break.” Alan shrugged but continued to stare off into the distance as if seeing something that had long since passed. He watched the pups. The way they moved and laughed. Little balls of fluff. Looking more like dogs. Like Pomeranians.

It hurt to see them.

They looked so much like their father had.

“They look exactly how you used to. It’s… eerie.” Alan took a drink, still watching them. “It’s like looking into the past. A window into the past…” And with it, everything else that had been buried there.

“That’s what I hear.” PB grunted back, still bent over. His plate was empty as he held it with too few fingers. Looking at it with only one good eye.

“How old are they now?” Alan asked.

“Eight.” PB answered.

“Seven of them, huh?”

“Rascals, every single one. The girls and boys. Little monsters.”

“Your uncle existed then…?”

“Yup.”

“Huh. I never thought he did.”

“Makes sense…”

“He’s why you’re here, right? Or, is it your husband…?” Alan stated, already figuring it out. Despite how little everyone else told him, keeping the human in the dark, it didn’t take a genius to figure some of these things out. He was able to put two and two together.

Like when his mom would drink her “special” tea before bed or that there was an extra stash baggy in the back of the toilet, in case of emergency. He had figured out what dose to give his parents to wake them up after a long bender…

“Something like that…” PB grunted once more, not facing him.

“You must really love him… or he loves you.” Alan toyed with the idea, playing with the half-empty bottle in hand. It was hard to talk about this with his ex. He wasn’t sure what else to talk about. To pretend everything was fine? To open up?

Alan wasn’t sure how to feel about PB anymore…

“Yeah…” PB looked up at the pups. “How do you even do it…?” PB asked and Alan looked over at him. “With Reese. I mean, he’s…” He gritted what little teeth he had left, his dentures digging into his gums painfully.

“You mean, like, sex…?” Alan asked and PB snorted at that.

It was the first time Alan had heard the wolf laugh since… since so many, many years ago.

“No, Alan. Fuck, not that.” PB chuckled, wiping his lips. He was drooling slightly. It was hard to tell if it was from the food or from the fact his teeth didn’t all fit right, like his bottom jaw didn’t fit with his top any longer. Two broken pieces that just didn’t fit anymore together… Like Alan didn’t fit with PB anymore. “Like, Reese as in Reese! He couldn’t have changed that much. He was always so cold and distance. Angry about everything. Fuck, I’m still afraid of the guy.”

“Not… really, no. You are right. He’s still the old Reese. Just older. Larger. Stronger.” Alan frowned thinking it over. “He’s a lot.”

“Go figure.” PB spat into the grass, grumbling about it.

“You were always a hardheaded guy as well, PB.” Alan said under his breath, as if afraid anyone else would hear them. “Never listened to anyone. You thought you could fix things. You thought if you tried hard enough you could get everything you wanted. Just, just if you tried hard enough… You could make things better.”

“Yeah and look where that got me.” PB grumbled back but there wasn’t as much venom in his words as there had been before. His shoulders sagged and he just looked… tired. Like an old canine waiting for death to come knocking.

“Reese,” Alan continued. “Reese was never like that. Three years he knew about me in the office, the place we had met up again at. It was by chance! And he found me and yet… for three years he was too scared to say anything. He’d go out of his way to help, in his own awkward, dorky way,” Alan chuckled. “He would bring donuts in just because he overheard, once, that I liked them. You know I still have a sweet tooth even after all these years... I still love the taste of that cheap birthday cake you used to sneak me. Because… because my parents would never buy me a cake. If they even remembered it was my birthday. He, Reese, he bought a new coffee machine for the break room and even… even bought me a plant, just to liven the place up. He does all these small things. These little things behind the scene to make others happy and never once expects or wants thanks for it…”

“Unlike me.” PB frowned.

“Unlike you… You loved our relationship, back then. You loved being in the spotlight! You wanted to show the world that we were a couple! To yell from the rooftops and tell everyone about us and who you were. Force others to see us, to acknowledge and accept us… it’s just not how things work. Not in this lifetime, anyways.” Alan sighed heavily, resting back. “It was never realistic to have such dreams.”

“I know it was all a dream, Alan.” PB growled low, turning away from him. The wolf going back to sulking.

“You always were a dreamer. Your head up in the clouds…” Alan looked up. “One of the many things I had loved about you.”

There was a low whine next to him, PB looking over at the human.

“Had…?”

“We never got a chance to talk, the last time we met. To, uh, catch up on things…” Alan let out his breath before looking over at him. “Fuck, you really are still so hard to look at.”

PB winced at those words as if physically struck.

“I never wanted you to see me like this.” PB looked crestfallen, back down at his lap. “To see what happened to me because I… Because I wanted to be your dreamer.”

“Oh, no. PB. Peanut,” Alan said the old pet name he used and reached out a hand to touch the wolf’s. PB flinched before looking up at him. Alan placed his hand back down on PB’s. Gently. As if he were afraid his very touch would break him. “I meant that, even now, you are so very…”

“Don’t lie to me.” PB voice choked up and his eye burned with tears.

“So very beautiful.” Alan said. And PB knew he wasn’t lying. Because Alan never lied to him. His other hand reached over to hold the top of Alan’s, holding it tightly now as Alan went on. “For fifteen years I went on just feeling… numb. Numb to it all. After you were gone. What did I have left…? Who did I have left? My parents? Hah… I was alive but I didn’t love after that day, no. Not until I happened to bump into Reese. And even then, I never stopped thinking of you…”

PB whined softly.

“There was this other guy, at work. Ralph was his name. Big white furred wolf. Gorgeous bastard. If it wasn’t for Reese, I’d have ended up with him. Without a doubt. And you know why…? How fucked it was,” Alan looked to the side unable to look at PB as he said the words. “Because he reminded me so much of you. Silly, fun going, handsome…”

PB snorted, holding Alan’s hand as he looked towards the pups. “Was handsome, you mean.”

“You still are.”

“Don’t lie to me, Alan! Not after what they did to me!” PB’s words snarled out, growling the venom from between clenched fangs. “Even my husband has never called me that before!”

“PB…” Alan reached over to pet the top of his hand. “I’m sorry to hear that. You… you deserve to know that you are. No matter how many scars you have. You will always be beautiful, in my eyes… I don’t even need to close my eyes or think of the past. The wolf sitting here before me is and always will be, beautiful to me. You are… have always been… just the very…” Alan choked back, smiling at the wolf as the tears rolled down his cheek. “The most beautiful creature, the most beautiful man I have ever met…”

PB gritted his teeth, turning away but he didn’t’ let go. His hand was holding Alan’s so tight as if afraid he’d slip away in an unseen current if he let go.

“Do you remember the time you pissed yourself?” Alan chuckled as PB yipped.

“What?” The wolf turned back to look at him.

“We were having a competition at the arcades, I think… it was summer. No, no it was spring break! I went the other day to the arcades, made me think of it… I was barely winning, and you had to go to the bathroom so bad but refused to back down!” Alan chuckled. “You just couldn’t let me when. You just had to be top dog. Uh, wolf.”

PB’s lowered his snout. If he had ears, they’d have lowered too.

“Yeah. I recall you being a total dick and started talking about rivers and waterfalls, sipping your drink loudly next to me and just…” PB would’ve wagged, if he had a tail to wag. “You would bump my side and bring up the restroom, just over there. Right across the room. You would pause the game.” PB snorted. “You can’t pause an arcade game, Alan.”

“Hey, I won didn’t I?” Alan made sure to remind him of. “And you pissed yourself.”

“That was a long time ago!” PB whined loudly.

“Yeah… but it’s some of the best days of my life. Even after all this, even after meeting Reese…” Alan paused at that.

“Mine too…” PB finally let go of his hand but didn’t scoot away. “Alan… we…”

“IF you had stayed. If you had contacted me. Things would be different.” Alan sighed, shaking his head. “Sorry. I need to say it. To say this. I know what happened to you is…” Alan clenched his hands on his knees, unable to look at anything as his stared at the ground. “But you didn’t. And Ralph didn’t make a move. Reese did. Reese came back when you didn’t. When Ralph didn’t do anything. Reese was the only one who had the balls to come back!”

Alan said far louder than he meant to. Trying to explain, in his awkward way, why he was with Reese. And why he wasn’t with Ralph. Or why, even now, he wasn’t with PB.

That Reese had come back when no one else did…

PB’s whole head fell at that, and he covered his face with both hands.

“I know. I know. I know.” PB just whispered the words repeatedly. “I just… I just couldn’t come back.”

“I’m sorry to bring this up. But fuck, PB. Fucking shit.” Alan wanted to get angry at him, wanted to punch his friend. Wanted to push the man he had loved. He wanted to jump on him and wrestle the one had sworn to run away with. “After everything. Everything! And then you just show up like this…”

But he couldn’t. Not seeing the broken mess that was left behind after it all. Alan was afraid to even touch him now.

“I didn’t want them to find me, okay?” PB snapped back, growling at him. Alan had to hold up a hand to the side to stop the other wolf from interfering.

“Barrett, we’re cool. Give us some room.” Alan told his wolf bodyguard who backed down. Barrett had been about to pull PB out of his chair and throw him to the ground for the act of growling at the Alpha-mate. “PB. You say that was the case.”

PB looked away, grumbling.

“Y-yeah. I didn’t want to face them again. To be hurt. Again…” PB couldn’t meet his eyes. “That’s why I never came back. Okay? Happy now!”

“Why, then, did you now?” Alan had to ask, had to know. He tried to keep his voice calm. To appear calm but he was shaking from asking the simple question. “It’s fucking… unfair, PB. So, damn, unfair… You show up like this. After all these years. Right when I think, I feel we’re finally getting things figured out. To get a life for ourselves! And you show up on our doorstep…”

“I didn’t come to see you.” PB muttered as if he had been rehearsing that from the start. Repeating those words over and over again as if, maybe, if he said them enough. They would become true.

“I know!” Alan had gotten up, yelling down at him. Those around them had gone silent and with a look, they backed down, pretending to go back to their own business while Alan took a seat slow. “I know. I know you keep saying that. And you mean it. I’m a piece of trash that doesn’t deserve the time of day. I get it.”

“I didn’t say that.” PB whined.

“You sure damn fucking act like it.” Alan spat the words out. “You keep saying that you don’t want them to find you. That you want to stay hidden and safe. Then why are you here? Why. Are you. Here? Peanut Butter. What’s really going on…? To risk exposing yourself, to all this, again…?”

PB finally looked up at him. His lip was quivering, eyes watering as he just broke down, whining softly.

“My husband left me…” PB covered his face, hunched over in the chair as he sobbed.

“Oh. Oh shit…” Alan pulled back at that. He looked down at his hand and didn’t see a ring on any of his fingers with rings on them. What little fingers he had left. “I. Shit. I’m so sorry to hear that, PB.” It still didn’t fully answer the question, but Alan rubbed his back, letting him work through it.

PB sniffled, rubbing his snout on the back of one of his arms. Alan rolled his eyes, reaching over to grab a disposable napkin and wiped his arm off for the wolf as if he were his caretaker instead of his ex-lover.

“H-he couldn’t put up with me any longer. Said I was holding him back. That it’s just been to hard. Too hard to live with a wolf like me… That I-I wasn’t…” And PB’s ears looked over at Alan. “That he couldn’t be…”

“Be what…?” Alan was confused, lost in all this as the wolf just looked up at him, then turned away.

“I accidentally said… said your name in bed once…” PB voice was so low, Alan had to strain his ears. The words didn’t make sense at first as if Alan’s brain refused to understand them.

Then it clicked.

Like a hammer crashing through glass, Alan realized what it was. What he meant. And why it couldn’t last between PB and his husband any longer.

“Oh. Shit.” Alan muttered, letting it sink in. “Did this… did this happen after…”

“Yes.” PB nodded, still crying. “After you showed up at my door. I just. I just couldn’t… any longer. Not with Danny. Danny was just there. He was a substitute for… for…” PB took in a shaky breath before letting it out.

Alan scooted closer, wrapping an arm around the wolf, rubbing his back now.

“Like Ralph would’ve been for me…” Alan nodded along, understanding PB’s feelings. “I projected a lot of my feelings onto him, too. Ralph was a cool guy. He understood. One reason why he left. He understood that the way I cared for him and… loved him, wasn’t for him. But what he represented in my life. Pretty damn fucked up now that I say it all out loud.”

If Reese hadn’t shown up in his life, Alan would’ve done the same thing PB had done but with Ralph. He would’ve loved the wolf. He would’ve married him. Then, one day, he would’ve thought of PB and Ralph would’ve found out. Alan comparing Ralph to PB and their relationship would end.

And he’d be the one sitting there crying, instead of PB.

PB snorted, sniffling as he wiped his nose. It was a strange, odd sound. With his nose broken the way it was, it sounded more pig than wolf snorting. Alan reached up for him and used a napkin for the wolf to blow into instead of using his arm again.

“Heh, yeah. I think I did the exact same thing. When you were there, at my door, things… things changed between us. I couldn’t picture him as you when you were… there. Alive. Back in the city I had ran away from.” PB sniffled. “We got into a major fight one night. He was yelling, I was yelling. He said I was trying to turn him into you. I wasn’t!” He quickly added. “I just… once he found out Alan Jr.” PB motioned his head towards one of the pubs playing. “Had the same name as you… things spiraled after that.”

“Fuck, PB…”

“I was only trying to keep your name alive! Your memory… alive… He got so angry. Was shouting all these things. How he… how he should’ve listened to his parents. TO never date a wolf. That he wasted his life with me and that he… he…” PB took a hesitant, shaky breath. “He never wanted kids. When I asked him about that, what about the pups? He just snapped. He was yelling out they were little abominations and how he, as a human, could never raise or relate to them. And that he was only putting up with it all because of… of my uncle.”

“Your uncle…? What does he have to do with any of this.” Alan got even more confused. He’d have to beat the shit out of this Danny guy, though, if he ever met him. To use PB like this. After everything PB had been through…

PB took a moment.

“My uncle was paying him, Alan. To be with me.” PB admitted and Alan’s jaw dropped.

“The fuck?”

“Not, like, literal payments of money. Uncle Gristle covered for Danny’s school loans and the debt he had worked up over the years. Gristle covered for a lot of things. Took care of things. He wasn’t much of an uncle in the emotional aspect, what wolf is.” PB laughed coldly at the idea. “But he was there. He helped take care of us. Paid for things and made sure the school wouldn’t kick the pups out… Gristle was the one who took care of me more than Danny did.”

“He sounds like a great uncle…” Alan was almost jealous. Wondering what that was like. To have a family that cared that much, even if it was fucked up.

“Is a great uncle, yes.” PB nodded several times. “He is out there. He went after Danny. Most likely to beat him black and blue once he found out what happened… but then he just didn’t return home. I didn’t know what to do. I had no one to call. The rent was due and I…”

PB looked down at himself, at what little body he had left.

“I can’t work, Alan. Any job. Anything to support myself. I’m a crippled wolf and no one would,” PB began to get worked up. Then he stopped. His whole body stiffened, and he let out a low whine as Alan pulled him into a warm hug.

PB was heavy still but his furry hide was loose on his body as if he were suffering from malnutrition. Alan held him securely, safely against his chest as he rested his chin between PB’s ears. If he had ears. Alan could see where the hearing aide was poking out.  

“We’ll figure this out. Reese. Reese will figure this out.” Alan said as he rubbed PB’s back. “I wish you had come to us… to him, sooner.” Alan reluctantly pulled away. “This? All of this? It isn’t fair to you. Not after everything else you’d been through. We’ve been through…”

“I knew Reese would… that he might help me, again.” PB let out another shaky breath. “It was only after I lost Danny, that my uncle went missing… that we lost the house, that I came here, Alan.” PB begged, pleaded for him to understand. “I wouldn’t have come here if I didn’t have the pups. I would never return to these… these wolves if I could help it!”

Alan nodded at that.

“I understand. And I’m sorry I implied that you…” Alan felt even more guilt over it all. PB had just lost everything, again, and that was why he had shown up at Reese’s doorstep. Not because he wanted back in the pack or something. But because he had, literally, nowhere else to go.

A lone wolf was a dead wolf…

“Reese has already agreed to look for Gristle.” Logan stepped up, having been eavesdropping the entire time. Coming into smooth things out and give Alan a helping hand. Logan needed to figure this stuff out anyways, having been called in by Reese for this very reason. “I’ll be looking into it, as well as Clem. We’re all here to help.” Logan assured PB yet was looking at Alan.

Alan smiled at him in thanks.

“You know.” Alan said in a louder, far more cheery voice. “I really would love to meet this uncle you wouldn’t shut up about!” He smiled at PB, and the wolf just looked at him. It was hard to read the expression on his face or what he was thinking in that moment.

PB sniffled, looking at him, then this other human and then focusing on Alan. Looking at Alan as if there were no one else there. Just as Alan used to do to cope with others. To cope with things. PB being the weaker one now in their pseudo relationship now. Being the one that needed to support.

“I would as well.” Logan added in, though for other reasons. The man stepped up, giving Alan another drink, and passed PB another root beer. The wolf looked at him.

“Who the hell are you?” PB wanted to sound threatening but it came out as more of a whine.

“He’s,” Alan began.

“Logan Smith. A friend of the family. As in Alan’s friend, not the wolf family.” Logan smiled at the wolf who just gave him a blank, empty stare. “Oof, harsh crowd.”

“He’s also a fuzz.” Barrett spoke up, joining them. He gave Logan a look who glared back. “A dirty pig.”

PB jumped at that, pulling back.

“I-I didn’t do anything.” PB whined and Alan stepped in to comfort him as Logan just gawked.

“Logan!” Alan said, getting on him instead of what Barrett had said. The other wolf laughed.

“The fuck, I didn’t do anything. Yet.” Logan frowned.

“Dirty cop, dirty cop, dirty cop.” Several of the wolf pups ran back over, shouting it out forcing Logan to flee from this situation as the other pups came over to check on their father. They surrounded PB and Alan, forming a protective circle around the two as if they would fight anyone foolish enough to try and hurt their dad.

“Beat him up next time!” One growled after Logan, dropping to all fours and barking at him like a feral. Hopping around as he yipped out after the human.

“Now, now. None of that.” Barrett chided them like a, much older, brother might. “Your old enough now to know you aren’t supposed to walk on all fours like that.” Every wolf in a wolf pack helped raised the pups and Barrett took that to heart. Barrett’s sister would’ve loved to see this…

The wolf pup got up, grumbling about being forced to walk on his hind legs as if it were the strangest of things. Most pups and children of Anthro species had to go through this. Learning to walk on their back legs as they got older.

Just another constraint society put on them. Unable to give into their animal side. They might as well be muzzled, neutered, declawed house pets.

“Are you friends with that man?” One of the pups asked, coming up to Alan. Salt quickly stepped up as if worried the pup might bite Alan.

Alan shooed Salt back as he crouched down in front of her. The small pup looked so much like PB it was haunting.

“Yes. I am friends with a cop. As well as a wolf,” he teased as if comparing the two together as he poked her nose. “I have a lot of strange friends, don’t I?” She giggled at the playful tone Alan used, booping her nose… just as he used to boop PB’s.

“Who are you?” One of them asked with wide eyes, sniffing at Alan. Alan was swarmed by furry bodies sniffing at him and Salt and Pepper had to step in to pull them off one by one. “Oh. Oh! You’re the one that showed up!” That was years ago and yet they seemed to remember Alan’s scent as they swarmed him, sniffing at his entire body.

“Easy pups,” PB spoke up behind them, chuckling as he watched them swarm his ex.

“Yes. Yes. I am an old friend of your fathers.” Alan looked over at PB, giving him a wink before going back to the pups. “And I heard that you all are SUPER fast. Is that right?”

They all froze at that, their eyes widening as ears perked up and tails stood out.

“But, I forgot which one of you is the fastest one…?” Alan smirked as Barrett chuckled behind him seeing where Alan was going with this. Wolf pups were extremely competitive. It was in their very nature.

“Me!” They all jumped up and down yipping out. “No, me. Me! I am. I am! Dad, tell him that I am!”

“Well, I’m going to have to see it to believe it.” Alan glanced up over their furry faces to the far end of the yard. “Now then, whoever-,” Alan didn’t even get a chance before they all took off running. Some even dropping to all fours to run. Alan laughed at that. “Kids. Pups? All the same.”

“You are really good with pups…” Barrett eyed him, before snorting. “I knew you’d make a good den mother.” The wolf laughed and, even PB joined in with Salt and Pepper on that. The wolves teasing Alan about a quality that is only ever used and reserved for woman within the pack.

“W-what?” Alan was blushing as the two wolves teased him.

“Alan really is a good den mother.” Salt agreed.

“Alpha-mate,” Barrett corrected.

“He w-would make a good one.” Pepper nodded. “If Reese,”

“Alpha,” Barrett rolled his eyes.

“If Reese wanted pups…” Pepper fidgeted then looked at Alan. “I mean. With someone else… but not like that!” He jumped, whining as he covered his muzzle with two large hands and cowered down. “I didn’t mean to say he’d do that to you.”

“You are fine, Pepper.” Alan had to get up to comfort the large teenage wolf. Even being twice his age, Alan was shorter than Pepper was. At times, he forgot how young the two wolf brothers were. “I understand what you were trying to say.”

“Don’t tell brother…” Pepper whined.

“Alpha.” Barrett grunted and Alan had to laugh at that. Barrett really would never let that slide.

“I promise.” Alan rubbed over Pepper’s thick fluffy salt and pepper furred neck and then over his large head, around his ears before scratching underneath his muzzle.

The large teenage wolf kicked out a leg, tongue lolling to the side as Alan gave him the scratches.

Salt practically body checked Pepper out of the way, asking for his turn and Alan gave the smaller, yet still intimidating, teenage wolf several scratches all over. Pepper came back over and, grabbing Salt’s arm, pulled him away to wrestle. The two arguing about it as they rolled around on the ground.

“Kids, I swear.” Alan chuckled, before catching Barrett’s eye. “What? You want me to scratch you too?”

Barrett snorted at that, looking away.

“I’m not hearing a no…” Alan teased, and the wolf eyed him. It was hard to say if Barrett was angry about the assumption he wanted to be scratched like that, or if he were weighing the idea around. If he would suffer the humiliation of being pet like a dog for the good feel of being scratched.

“I wouldn’t mind…” PB spoke up behind Alan and he jumped slightly, forgetting that PB had been there.

“Oh, sure.” Alan glanced at Barrett, who still looked like he was thinking it over, before walking over to PB. “Good boy.” Alan teased PB as he pet him on the head twice.

“Alan.” PB said his name and the human’s hand slipped down to scratch the side of his face. Then down along the groove of the end of his muzzle, to the soft fur underneath. “Oh…” PB’s eyes widened. Alan didn’t stop there as he brought his other hand up to scratch behind the nubs PB had for ears. Scratching in all the spots he recalled that PB loved.

PB used to have such big ears. He loved for them to be played with. Alan remembered how much he liked it when he scratched around their base. At the tufts of slightly lighter, cream-colored fur sticking up there. He might not have ears any longer, but he still had those tufts of fur and Alan’s fingers dug into them greedily, scratching underneath.

He could smell the waxy trace of the wolf’s musk. The more he scratched, the more Alan could smell PB. Such a thing, yet so simple, made Alan smile. To smell PB again. To feel his fur like this. Again. To see him smile. Again.

Again. Again. Again…

“Oooooh, fuuuuck, that hits the spot…” PB panted, open mouth as Alan chuckled at the sight. PB melting in his hands as the wolf finally began to relax as Alan continued to rub and pet him and scratch over his chest and shoulders, picking up speed as he went down PB’s back.

“Haven’t done this in decades.” Alan laughed as he went under PB’s shirt, making the wolf squirm now as he was forced to lift his arms. Teasing the wolf as he scratched over his sides and under his arms and over his stomach as PB squirmed and laughed. As if the two were play wrestling again.

It was fun.

It was silly.

It brought so many things back.

So many great, wonderful things. So many memories. So many… many… many…

“Alan.” Someone asked and the human wasn’t sure what the problem was.

Alan stopped, reaching up with a hand to touch his face. He felt the dampness there. He’d begun to cry. Holding a hand over his mouth to try and stop it. Not to ruin this. Not to let it all pour out. To stop the sound of it. To stop these tears from falling. To continue to have this silly fun.

They burned. They were so hot. It burned his eyes and stained his cheeks as Alan sobbed, crying for his dear friend and what he’d become.

He could feel it.

Feel every bone of PB’s body. How thin he was now. He could feel the wolf’s ribs with his hands. Feel his tattered fur, where it was coming out in places. It had once been so lush and full. Just like PB. So full of life. So vibrant and bright that it hurt his eyes to look at him directly as if PB were the sun.

The center of Alan’s universe.

Now it hurt to look at what he had become. At what life had done to his best friend. The man he had loved and wanted to marry. The very reason why Alan hadn’t ended it all. The one sitting there.

The one that had, after so many, many years… come back.