“There’s got to be a better way to
go,” the fox said, looking down at the sidewalk thirty stories below. The
people walked about below, scampering around and going about their daily
business as the fox was prepared to end it all. He had enough of life.
It
wasn’t even that the fox didn’t have a good life. He had a great life. Friends
who were supportive, people around him who cared for him, a nice apartment, a
good car, clean bill of health… except for his mind.
Something
had always been… off… for the Fox. He would watch other people walk around and
have shit happen to them and they didn’t seem to be so affected by it. His dad
died when he was very young and the fox had never really gotten over it. He
often questioned if that was why he turned out the way he was—if that was the
root cause of his depression.
He went
through elementary school mostly painless, dealing with whatever little bit
came up on his own. Middle School was tougher with the bullies that would crop
up. The fox was always quick with his fists and never backed down from a fight
which earned him respect from the kids around him, and punishment from the
adults around him.
His mom
ended up re-marrying around high school. His step-dad was pretty cool. They got
along and he ended up being really close to the new old man, but that didn’t
stop him. December of his Freshman year
of high school he took a whole bottle of Excedrin, in the hopes that he would
finally succumb to the sweet icy hands of death and be free from the numbing
pain of life. He would finally be able to walk away from the agony of every
waking minute.
But his
step-dad found him and ran him to the hospital to get his stomach pumped. That
alone was a whole experience for the Fox. But he started to get better. He went
to therapy and started on medication. Things were okay for a while. Honestly,
the fox started to think that he would never feel that way again.
He
started dating. He dated a few girls and that was nice, he lost his virginity
at 15 to this beautiful vixen he was dating at the time and things were nice.
Then he broke up with her, and that sucked for a while. But even so, he managed
to bounce back from that without his life going dark again, like it did before.
It was
around that time that the Fox started to notice the tigers and the wolves in
the football team. He was noticing how much he liked to see the guys in his
school shirtless or in the locker room. That started the Fox’s exploration of
his sexuality. He talked to this one wolf and convinced him to let him give him
a blow job. Things were good for him. He continued to explore this wonderful
new side to him and he wanted to keep things going. So he kept things casual,
going on dates, getting called up for booty calls, being whisked off to a an
empty stall in a bathroom and forced to do things with random guys, or the
occasional girl.
Honestly,
he didn’t care as long as he got off.
Things
were okay for a while. He graduated high school and started college on a very good
scholarship. Everything was going the Fox’s way. He started another
relationship, this time with a guy. It was a quiet nerdy guy that was very
polite and sweet and caring, but a monster in bed, he would make the Fox scream
and moan in a way that no one else could ever manage, and that was something
that the Fox really enjoyed…
But he
mostly enjoyed the way his boyfriend treated him. The way he held him and
kissed him and told him that everything was going to be alright was so
comforting and so genuine. He loved how safe and protected he felt. That was
worth every fight they would have over his boyfriend’s jealousy. The Fox never
once cheated on him. He loved his boyfriend far too much, but his friendships
with other men often would lead to implications of sleeping around behind his
back and that hurt the Fox. But he got over it and he forgave his boyfriend
because he loved him so much. Their relationship continued past college and the
Fox loved him. He loved his boyfriend and he thought that it was finally going
to go better for him.
And then,
a few months after they moved in together, his boyfriend was killed in a hit
and run. The Fox was so hurt by this he stopped. He stopped everything he was
doing, crying on a daily basis, he stopped eating, he stopped bathing, he
stopped everything. He was lost without him. He moved in with his mom and
step-dad. They tried their best to help him, but he had wounds that only time
could heal.
After
about six months, the Fox left his parents’ house and started his life again.
He tried to put his past behind but he wasn’t able to completely forget, no
matter how hard he tried. So he went back to therapy and started taking
medication once more and things were okay for a little while.
He met
someone while hanging out with friends from working and he ended up marrying
him. He was so in love with this cheetah. He had never been so happy. He was so
glad to finally get things to go his way once more. He was so happy with his
husband. They vacationed abroad; traveling when they wanted to… the Fox had
every right to be happy. But something still nagged at him. He had fought with
depression for his whole life. And it still hadn’t gone away. It was always
going to be there, torturing his mind and making his every waking moment painful.
He had good days.
And
there were also days when he had to force himself to keep him from taking the
gun his husband had and pulling the trigger. He had days where his husband
literally had to drag him out of bed, and bathe him. Those were hard. But he
never complained. The Cheetah saw the pain in his Fox and it hurt him. The Fox
knew it hurt his husband and he tried to keep going for his sake. He would do
things for his husband that he might not have under other circumstances.
But it
wasn’t enough.
The Fox
couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t keep going through the pain of his every
waking moment. So he climbed up to his office building and he stood on the
ledge. He sighed and took a step, feeling his foot hit nothing. It hovered,
most of his weight still on the other foot, still keeping him alive. Such a
precarious shift of weight could cause him to fall to his death. He could finally be free.
“Foxy…
Babe… What are you doing?”
The Fox
turned around, his back to the ledge. He took a step away and stared at the
source of the voice. It was his husband. What was he doing here?
“Spots,
babe… please don’t. Please don’t try and talk me down again. I can’t do it. I
can’t it anymore.” Tears were streaming down his face as he stared at his love.
The
cheetah took careful steps forward. He was fast, but he probably couldn’t be
fast enough. The Fox could still do it…
“Baby,
I know you say that. I know you’re sick of trying but please don’t do this.
Don’t put me through this. I can’t lose you…”
The Fox
scoffed.
“Yes
you can. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve someone who isn’t
crazy. You deserve someone that wants to live. That wants to keep going,” The
Fox’s tail was flicking around behind him.
“I
don’t care what you think I deserve…” The cheetah snatched his husband’s paw
and held it in his, holding it in his paw.
“I know
you’re hurting, Foxy,” the Cheetah said.
“You
don’t know what it’s like,” The Fox sobbed, trying to pull away from his
boyfriend, but unable to find the strength to do so.
“I know
I don’t. I’m sorry. I hate that I can’t help you. I hate that I will never be
able to help you. I’m sorry for fucking everything up. But I love you, babe. I
know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but it’s true. I will never be able to understand
everything that you deal with, Foxy… But I will always be here for you. I love
you so fucking much and I’m sorry that you can’t see that because I won’t just
leave you. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, I will always love
you. I know you don’t want to go on hurting anymore, but I don’t want to hurt
without you. You’re… You’re my husband. I’d be lost without you.”
“I’m
lost…” The fox sobbed, hugging his husband and sobbing into his shoulder. “I’m
lost and I just want to find where I am again.
I can’t seem to do this anymore…”
The
Cheetah tilted his husband’s face up and kissed him silent, holding him flush
against him and breaking the kiss.
“Ssh. I
know you want to stop hurting, babe. I know you do. But please don’t do this
right now. I need you. You have no idea how… how lost I would be without you. I
don’t know what I would do without you. The only thing that makes the days
worth going through is you. Do you think I would work at that hellhole if it
weren’t to provide for you? It pays well, but I want to do more with my life
than work at that stupid place. I want to make people happy. The money can be
good all it wants, but I’m only doing that for you. I know that you feel guilty
over that, but I wouldn’t do that if I wasn’t so entirely in love with you. If
I weren’t completely lost without you. If I know what I would do without you…
do you think I would have driven like a mad man to catch up to you tonight? Do
you think I would have allowed you to get away from me so easily? Foxy, you’re
my better half. Without you… I’m a wreck. Please don’t do this.” Tears streamed
down the Cheetah’s face as he clutched onto his husband.
The
couple held onto one another, crying and clutching to the other for support.
“I’m so
sorry, hun,” the Fox sobbed, stepping down from the ledge, holding his husband
in his arms as he felt familiar arms pull him closer, keeping him safe.
“I know
you are. But we’ll get through this… I promise you that we will get through
this together. I know you might not think so, but I promise you, I won’t ever
let you go. You’re mine now… And nothing is going to take you away from me. I
love you…”
The Fox
sobbed back an “I love you too,” as best he could.
“We’ll
get through this,” the Cheetah said, patting his boyfriend’s head and back.
“We’ll get through this.”
Something I really like about this is the sort of flashback that makes up the meat of the story. you start at the start, and end at the current situation, and you don't only focus on the bad things like everyone else tends to. you match all those bad events with good things, and you keep it vague as to whether he's actually going to do it or not. There are good reasons for him to do it, and just as many just as good reasons to not do it. that's something that people tend to overlook when they have this in mind. a lot of people disagree with this, but in my english class last year, we were taught that pathos always triumphs over logos in arguments; most people are going to listen to their emotions rather than logic.
dealing with this sort of thing is extremely emotional. i've been in the cheetah's place probably three or four times before, and in one of them, the guy actually went ahead and jumped. Thank god, he survived, has a rod of metal in his leg though. i've probably told you about that. that really scarred me, and that's part of the reason why this was hard to read, but again, I appreciate how you took a different view on this.
it is very well-written. you put in enough details behind the characters without making it too much. neither of them have names, and that's okay. if you had put names to them, I personally that would establish them more solidly as individuals; as it is now, they're just a fox and a cheetah. they represent more than themselves- they represent every person that has ever been in that situation.
you did a good job, hon.
It was going to end with him jumping before I remembered the tears in my best friend's eyes when I told him I wanted to jump... When I saw him plead with me and tell me how much it would hurt him. I realized that it would make my story do the one thing. The one horrible, awful thing that I've seen so many stories do before that would just ruin it for me and make me ashamed of it.
It would make something as horrible and despicable as suicide into something beautiful and poetic.
the way the fox's life progressed in this story is a good reminder that it's a very, very real thing. and that's terrifying, because life is amazing, and to be dealt such a bad hand that someone would want to end that has to say something.
it's weird the things I feel reading this kind of story, it's both fury at my inability to do even the escaping and regret at the decisions i've made that led up to this point. Not to mention the longing for someone like that Cheetah, but I guess it's more self-pity that I can't even take the plunge without someone to hold me back.
And my viewpoint regarding perspective makes that really hard to understand and believe, about the people being there bit. if we don't see it or feel it, then to us (to which all that matters anyways) they don't exist :3.
Thanks for your comment.
many cookies to fill your christmas bellehs.
I'll share in thought that most of my poems derive from my own life, as does some of yours.
Life won't always be horrible, i suppose. but it's not really the person's fault if he's never seen the light. Can't expect the blind man to enjoy Van Gogh picture.
Life is beautiful, and I try my best to let people see that but...well sometimes its just...ya know . :)
*Hands you fish*
There is such a stigma attached to mental illness today and i'm sick and tired of it. I want to change it.
So I took the butcher knife and I held it against my wrist. And I was so... ready... to cut and kill myself. I hadn't shaved or bathed in days, I stayed up until 4 and slept until noon and all I did. Day in, and Day out, was play video games. I like playing them, sure, but when that's all you do, when you no longer want to read or write or anything... that's hard. So I completely get these pains you're talking about. Hell, I dated a guy in France for a year and that was tough. But I managed to get through it. Thank you for your comment. Reading things like this... this is why I write. I'm glad you enjoyed it and that it touched you.
There's such a stigma and it's so stupid because we act like people who are mentally ill are incapable of doing anything. Just... Rawr. xD I could go on and rant about this for a while. But I won't.
Those I know who I have helped out of suicidal periods ( and the same in my case) have been able to cope with their past as their life got better. I know that in some cases this can take years and alas sometimes we all fail but for the vast majority of us life does get better and we are able to cope.
*Hugs tight*
I'm glad that this touched you and that you enjoyed it. It really does mean a lot to see so many people enjoying my work--especially one that's this personal and isn't porn-based.
Keep it up sir *offers lollipop*
well, you know, for The Great Depression to come *rar*