Still on hiatus, for the record
This is several months past relevance, but I did not have the emotional wherewithal to have this discussion at the appropriate time, and I don't think it should go unsaid. Comments are disabled because I'm not up to hosting any conversation, although I will attempt to respond to any PMs in good faith. (I can't promise it will be prompt, because my own wellbeing is taking priority at the moment.)
On Friendship
If someone is upset, and posts about it, I do not actually expect their online friends to question them about it. If someone is venting about something that has happened to them, I don't have a problem with their flist taking them at their word that those things happened.
Yes, even when the other parties are on livejournal too. If your friend says, "ugh,
smallcaps said something really horrible about me," then unless you are also friends with smallcaps I expect you to assume that, in fact, smallcaps said something horrible about your friend, and offer your sympathies.
(If you are also friends with hypothetical user smallcaps then there's a strong argument for going, 'hang on, this doesn't sound right, let me get the other side of things'. Yes, I have screwed this up in the past; I am not pretending any moral high ground, here.)
If it later turns out that there is perhaps more to the story, I do not think that people should be apologising for simply taking their friend's words at face value.
Now, to many readers it will be obvious that I am not talking about a hypothetical situation; of course I'm talking about a very specific situation involving different livejournal users entirely.
In this situation, the post was not "someone on the internet was mean to me". The post was, "someone on the internet was mean to me and here are some bonus highly offensive statements because I'm upset".
Then the internet provided some details that suggested that in fact the 'meanness' situation was rather more complicated than first presented.
Personally, what I didn't really want to see next was a flurry of apology posts from people who said they had learned their lesson and would get all sides of a story next time a friend was upset.
No. No. What the hell. Why are people apologising for trusting a friend?
The apology post I wanted to see, and never saw*, was "oh, I'm sorry I didn't call my friend out on those bonus highly offensive statements".
That's all. That's what I'd like some people to think about. I don't expect anyone to run around fact-checking (which may or may not even be possible) before they comfort a friend. Just. Think about what you're signing your name to. "Hey, I'm really sorry that happened to you, but uh that second part is really offensive by the way." It's easy to say and there were plenty of examples.
Apologise for not saying that. But don't apologise for offering sympathy in the first place. It only makes me feel like you completely missed the point of what was "hypothetically" offensive about it.
*Disclaimer: there may have been posts like it off my flist or after I stopped reading my flist.
On Friendship
If someone is upset, and posts about it, I do not actually expect their online friends to question them about it. If someone is venting about something that has happened to them, I don't have a problem with their flist taking them at their word that those things happened.
Yes, even when the other parties are on livejournal too. If your friend says, "ugh,
smallcaps said something really horrible about me," then unless you are also friends with smallcaps I expect you to assume that, in fact, smallcaps said something horrible about your friend, and offer your sympathies.(If you are also friends with hypothetical user smallcaps then there's a strong argument for going, 'hang on, this doesn't sound right, let me get the other side of things'. Yes, I have screwed this up in the past; I am not pretending any moral high ground, here.)
If it later turns out that there is perhaps more to the story, I do not think that people should be apologising for simply taking their friend's words at face value.
Now, to many readers it will be obvious that I am not talking about a hypothetical situation; of course I'm talking about a very specific situation involving different livejournal users entirely.
In this situation, the post was not "someone on the internet was mean to me". The post was, "someone on the internet was mean to me and here are some bonus highly offensive statements because I'm upset".
Then the internet provided some details that suggested that in fact the 'meanness' situation was rather more complicated than first presented.
Personally, what I didn't really want to see next was a flurry of apology posts from people who said they had learned their lesson and would get all sides of a story next time a friend was upset.
No. No. What the hell. Why are people apologising for trusting a friend?
The apology post I wanted to see, and never saw*, was "oh, I'm sorry I didn't call my friend out on those bonus highly offensive statements".
That's all. That's what I'd like some people to think about. I don't expect anyone to run around fact-checking (which may or may not even be possible) before they comfort a friend. Just. Think about what you're signing your name to. "Hey, I'm really sorry that happened to you, but uh that second part is really offensive by the way." It's easy to say and there were plenty of examples.
Apologise for not saying that. But don't apologise for offering sympathy in the first place. It only makes me feel like you completely missed the point of what was "hypothetically" offensive about it.
*Disclaimer: there may have been posts like it off my flist or after I stopped reading my flist.