Burnt Out So Soon?

Today marks the end of the 3rd week of second semester. As I'm writing I still haven't survived all my classes for the day, but despite my week ending on my favourite class of this semester, I can't find it in myself to be excited. 

I'm becoming worried about the lethargy that surrounds doing my work. I've got a project due next tuesday that I'm maybe. 50% of the way done at best. that I really feel no anxiety over. More than no anxiety, when I turn around the idea of that project in my mind I feel like I'm staring a blank spot. I really want to want to do my work. I want to be excited about this class. It's weird to feel so blank about my classes. This degree may not have been my first choice, or even one of my first considerations, but I do genuinely like the work I've gotten to do.   

The guitar is not saving me. I fear I care more for learning and playing the guitar and bass than doing my work, and I've got barely enough reign on my motivations to stop myself from doing so. 

Maybe it'd do me good to get one of those journal planners. I always fear buying one and doing nothing with it. I at least need to start doing some kind of time blocking to give myself the opportunity to do my work ahead of 24 hours before its due. There's nothing I hate more than the stress of that, even though I've been doing that for the better part of the entirety of my academic career. 

Maybe I dislike being tired. I feel tired. Not just the not enough sleep kind, which is only partially true, but the kind that's already settled in my bones. The kind that makes the world feel molasses slow and sluggish. 

Maybe I should give myself one of those days to really do nothing. A day to do nothing with no expectations of doing anything. It's hard to know when to dole out those days, because they are entirely necessary every once in awhile, but it's hard to validate to myself that they're necessary because I'll often already be on a train of not doing any work, so to make myself sit down with the expectation that I won't be doing any of it for yet another day feels stressful. 

Maybe.  

What Do You Mean I Have to Do Work for the Degree I Pay For

Truth be told, while doing something other than doomscolling is what brought me to starting a blog, the thing that's kept me here is procrastination. I started this blog right at the beginning of the second week of my semester, which may not be the greatest thing in the interest of being an academic weapon. 

I think I'm still just trying to get out of the winter break mindset of just doing nothing, but at the same time my brain just isn't latching to my classes the way it was before. Which is weird because it's not like I hate all my classes. I've got 2 classes on information design which is a field I find really interesting and was genuinely excited for previously. I never really latched onto my social science class so I'm not worried about that, and I thankfully don't have any homework for my elective dance class so I'm not worried about that one either. The only class I actually hate is my UI/UX class but thats just because I hate having to do research for UI/UX projects. User research. Horrid. 

Regardless, the idea of doing my classwork just kind of feels like its sloughing off my head like a wet carpet on ice. I think that's how the physics of that would work out. Is it time to go back to considering an ADHD diagnosis? Maybe! Could it be that I just need to try harder, whatever that means? Also probably maybe! I don't know! I want to do work, and I want to want to do work, but the idea of doing any of that just won't come to the front of my mind. 

But we live. We go on. We ball. And we keep doing anything but my goddamn work. I really hope this doesn't keep up. 

Other than that, life has been chill. Finally figured out how to do my makeup and hair in a way I like which is a great confidence boost. The outfits have been good. The thrift was kind to me. Playing and listening to music continues to be fun, and I may have a guitar in my future? Who knows! 

Another week, another promise I'll do better. Another 7 days of holding out on the hope that promise stays true.