It's Cuffing Season and I'm Over It (A Very Emo Valentines Day)

Being aromantic, I've never really cared about Valentines. It's up until this point it's been just another day with a higher chance of candy from generous friends. This is the first year that feels any different. 

For one, no candy. Which is unfortunate, but expected. I've got a chance of donuts from my chill roommates new gf as a thank you for introducing them, but I'm not really counting on it. Her planning to making good on my joke about payment for introducing them is sweet enough. 

But the big one is just actually being kind of aware of romance for once. In past years I've never had any close friends in relationships, or really friends who were overly interested in getting into relationships-- at least to my knowledge. Now I've got some kind of sad crush--which is honestly is just me being regular with an undertone of feeling pathetic about affection I can't have which truthfully doesn't feel much like romance to me, just really interestingly placed hornyness--, the knowledge my younger cousins are now dating which is something I never really conceptualized, a roommate in a long term relationship who's got an elaborate plan for tonight (good for them!), the roommate I introduced to said gf who've been PDAing the fuck out of the living room, and the cherry on top is learning at midnight that my best friend is now in the beginnings of a relationship, a sappy one at that. 

Which all means that I listened and sung to the entirety of From Under the Cork Tree while cooking lunch while telling every roommate that came downstairs that I'm feeling very homophobic this Valentines day and I'm channelling it through Fall Out Boy (btw all the couples surrounding me minus my cousins are gay. I'm gay. My household is all queer. I'm not actually homophobic, just a little bitchy). 

Feeling like I'm surrounded by romance for once in combination with my own feelings of general patheticness is just not a fun on a day like this. Learning I've got a good chance of being autistic is kind of putting into perspective the fact that I just don't like change. Change out of my control to be specific. I like predictability, I like when I have some idea of what can happen, either because I have some hand in it or because it's familiar with patterns I can guess at. And now, I'm not totally sure what the future holds. Which also means the revival of old fears. Old fears tied to exactly this- everyone around me being paired off and being left alone in the dust of it all. 

I know its unrealistic. I'd have to be an active participant in my own demise for that to actually happen. It's not that hard to just reach out and ask to talk or hang. To communicate how I feel. But fears aren't rational, and feeling like I'm being left behind while everyone else goes out into new waters that I can't quite follow is what it is. And stepping into my own available new waters is horrifying. We've established I don't like change. I'd literally have to dive headfirst into unpredictability. There's no real way to ease me into these things. Add a side of self loathing and constant fluctuation of confidence, and you've got the hot mess that is me. Oh and the last 2 weeks having sucked for me. That definitely factors into all of this. 

I'm trying to use my own hate for the behaviour of overly self conscious people to motivate me to just be better than this. If I saw this shit on someone else I'd be annoyed as hell. Which you think would get me going out with a vengeance, but realistically just means I try not to talk about it for fear of annoying my friends. Also going out is expensive!!! I don't think I'm hot enough to get drunk for free, and in this economy I'm sure as hell not getting drunk with my own dime at the bar. That's half a lie. I'm actually a hella lightweight. But the confidence issue still rears its ugly head. 

Currently I'm debating between going out tonight with my choir roommate because the weather is actually half okay for once which means we can dress cute without freezing all of our asses off, or asking a different roomie if they wanna play video games with me. Or drinking again. Regardless I might be drinking again. I don't wanna be a sad drunk. I feel like I might be a sad drunk tonight. I shouldn't drink then. 

I'm probably actually gonna play a lot of bass tonight. I haven't played bass a lot in the past couple days. That's a better plan. 

Happy Valentines to all of you, and a happier Valentines to everyone going through it a little bit more today than other days. 

 

Will the (Old) People Like a Sticker ???? (Please Help)

I scored tickets to a Billy Talent concert this morning!!!! Yaho!!!! I was practically vibrating out of my seat in excitement for the rest of the class that I was already ignoring for the most part to get tickets. 

A friend got me into them in 2024 and they are a genuine favourite of mine. It's weird because I never really went through a hyperfixation with them, I just listened to them a lot, so I keep forgetting how much I love this band until it gets brought up somehow. 

But this brings me to my dilemma. This is my second Big Concert. Like not in a bar venue or basement Concert. And since I'm a recent fan and this is my first concert with them, I've not got a clue what the demographics and energy are gonna be like. I asked the friend I'm going with who's been to their concerts before and his first response was. Old. Mid 30s to 40s. Said he didn't know if the people would like a sticker. Alright cool. Out of my depth here. 

I also manged to ask a cool acquaintance I met at a Hayley Williams listening party who's turns out to also be going to the concert, and who's also got lawn tickets! Apparently shes been a fan since 03. Which. Man. That's older than me. She's very firmly a millennial, and she gave me a very enthusiastic yes about people liking being offered stickers- with the caveat that I might get a couple "party pooper" nos, which seems about fair. 

So that's a millennial yes and a gen Z maybe. Man. 

The reason I'm even considering making stickers is because the last Big Concert I went to, I was going with my best friend and he made stickers to give out. However the big difference here is that that concert was a Twenty One Pilots concert. Very different crowd. Much younger crowd. So many people on that lawn were giving out stuff I swear. The only info I've got out of this is that the venue probably won't care about me giving out some stickers if I do. 

The optimistic part of me says that a punk loves a sticker, but the other part of me is scared of being in a crowd of people on average at least 10 years older than me and going "do you want a sticker? ( O^O )". I'm gonna look like a child. Honestly this would probably be easier if I was a literal child. Being approached by an 8 year old with a sticker is cute at least. I'm an emo 19 year old. Who let me have adult money. 

I think the middle ground is to only make a handful. Maybe like 12, no more than 24. Only one or 2 designs too. I'll scout out my millennial acquaintance to give her one and a few if shes got friends with her. The rest will be for any people met along the way with good energy and a fleeting conversation, as it goes with concerts. Also to maybe like. Ask on the reddit about it. Pretty sure that's what my best friend did the last time. 

I am really excited about going but considering all this has me hoping that I'll be comfortable there. I've got relative faith because its a punk band with a solid fandom reputation, but I'm still a filipino woman-looking visibly-queer 19 year old. I know this crowd is gonna be older, and probably for the most part pretty white. Hell I'm going with my tallest and whitest friend. Incredibly envious that his 6'4" ass will have no problems standing on the lawn. Truth be told I wasn't super aware of how white the crowd was at the last Concert I went to because I was with the Only Other POC. But now I'm Thinking About It. 

I'm kind of hoping being in the lawn (the far back cheapest tickets) will mean I'll be more likely to find the younger and broker sort, the ones who are also likely to be artier and guaranteed to be more receptive to a sticker. One can only hope.  

Now I gotta think about what I'm even gonna put on these stickers. All this overthinking for something that's not even real yet.