I Wouldn't Know What A Gentlemen Prefers, I'm Not Into Men Nor the Gentle Sort

I seem to be on a sudden weird kick for old movies. I finished watching My Fair Lady, and I've just started Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. 

My Fair Lady was one hell of a ride of a movie. And I'm like. Not entirely sure what my takeaway from it should be. Like. Henry Higgins fucking sucks. That guy was horrid. And its like. He kind of comes around? But it feels like too little too late. I will say I was watching on what ended up being a much busier shift than I anticipated, so maybe constantly starting and stopping in the middle obfuscated information that would make it all come together. 

Regardless it was a fun time of a movie. I'm not much of a movie critic, I'm pretty simple about movies. What gets me interested is thinking about the production of it. And this movie was a beautiful production. I think that's the thing that's got me interested in watching old movies--thinking about how it was all put together. How movies are made has kind of drastically changed since then--a lot of things have drastically changed since--and so to peek back into this world is fascinating. After Gentlemen Prefer Blondes I might do a deep dive into older movie production. We'll see. 

In other news, I think I'm getting over my crush okay. My heart feels like a pendulum the way it goes back and forth in believe there could still be a lingering chance, but logically I know there isn't. What I do also know for sure is that if my crush ends up with a girlfriend in the next month, I will become a monster. She keeps making jokes about wanting one and its driving me a tad insane. I'll get through. Surely. 

I'm pretty much in my last week of classes and projects to turn in. Luckily no exams, so once all of this is over and in I'm done. Despite having a lot left to do, I don't feel stressed. Which is pretty worrying. I really should feel stressed about doing more, but sincerely I barely feel motivation to do most things. 

The win for today is that I'm almost a month on anti depressants! They've been making my anxiety generally worse, but I hoping it starts looking up after this month. I've been getting weened on them on a does below the regular, so I'm really hoping it works out. 

I hope it all works out. Thinking about the future has felt like getting a weight dropped on me.  

Cry Like In a Movie

 At what point do I get stressed about the amount of anxiety my new meds? Because I started at a 1(lowest out of 10), got to a 10 in the first week, and now we're settled around a 4 that's a 6 on bad days. Today was one of those bad days.

Usually waking up early yields productive days for me. I woke up at 6 am. Actually was awake and out of bed by 8 am. Had a lovely, slow, quiet morning. The quiet is probably what did me in. Thinking about starting my work was like feelings needles prickle. So I didn't. Told myself there was still time in the day before I'd have to start. Went on a walk, came back and had lunch. Had a nap on the couch. Had a panic attack. It got better, but I don't think it's fully gone away. I've just been avoiding the main stressor. That continues to make me feel stressed.  

I binged an anime instead: Villainess Level 99: I May Be the Hidden Boss but I'm Not the Demon Lord. It is as silly as it sounds. The main character is hilariously oblivious and blunt, so despite what should be high stakes, it felt like watching a slice of life. It was only 12 episodes, and the plot progresses pretty quickly, so it was a really nice light watch.

Now I'm trying to hold back from crying listening to Moisturizer by Wet Leg. I found their tiny desk performance. It was lovely. I'd know of the band for awhile but never dedicatedly listened to them. My first mistake was going in knowing it was an album about being in love. 
    I thought I was doing pretty well on the whole crush front. Listened through the entirety of my best friends playlist and moped. Focused on other things. Texted the crush in question as usual with the complete comfort of knowing that we're just friends. Nothing could have prepared me for love songs. Sweet, sappy love songs about dedication and being domestic. That's what got me. I kept looking at the lyrics to the songs. I don't usually do that when listening to music- I focus more on sound than anything else. Those lyrics kept stabbing me right in the heart.

Now I still feel the rolling boil of anxiety. I feel sick to my stomach. My stomach also just doesn't feel great. Eating has been difficult. I think I've lost weight. It's nice to fit into that one pair of shorts but I don't think that makes the rest of this worth it. I need to start working on this project because I'm too paranoid to work on this project tomorrow. My crush is visiting. That project involves print outs of this blog. Why did I do this to myself. 

Detox, Avoid Retox, Because Theres No Chance At Love

And just like that. The crush saga is over. It feels almost underwhelming. 

    My best friend did reconnaissance. There is no chance. There is nothing there. She's just an affectionate and caring friend. She's not crushing on anyone and when she does it's been happening less. I'm not even her type. I know from here on out that I can start to get over it. 

    It hurts more than I thought it would, but I shouldn't be surprised because I've been holding onto this for the better part of half a year. It physically hurts. My chest feels empty. My stomach hurts. My best friend and crush were talking about meeting women and going out to bars and it hurts. Its an unfortunate choice of topic that's hitting me like a ice pick through the soul. It's funny that it feels like I'm actively going through it more than my best friend who just broke up with his boyfriend, but it hurts. I was trying to not cry on the couch we’re all sitting on as she asks if I'm okay. I lied and said it was a headache. Exposure too soon in a too open wound. Salted and twisted, a perfect recipe for pain. 

It’ll be over soon. I’ll get over it soon. I know I can.

    It’s funny that today I relistened to The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess by Chappell Roan. Felt a kind of elation singing along to Red Wine Supernova. 

    I almost wish I could’ve had the joy for a little bit longer. I feel like it burned so slow until it lit into a raging fire and that was promptly doused. 

    I’ve decided that if I do tell her, I won’t do it until fourth year. I  think that will be enough time for me to be far away from it.  

- 

So all of that was written yesterday- about right after it happened, but before my crush left and I decided an costume change was in order. Nothing is fixed with a better outfit, but it sure as hell helps. And I think it did. Micro shorts, thigh highs and a crop top do wonders for my self confidence. That and my house allies getting back from watching a movie. They walked into the living room, took in the slutty outfit as I went, "this is my grieving outfit" and filled them in on everything they've missed. 

    Honestly I think the best part of this whole crush saga is just the feeling of community that's come from all of it. Communally lamenting over our varying relationship woes, sharing and bonding and lifting each other up where we need it. At some point we got to talking about pick-up lines and I got to try a couple on the room. What I've learned is 1. Me and my best friend are so fucking platonic its beautiful (I aimed one line towards him and it was just as weird and neutral for both of us), and 2. I can be a little bit smooth with it (I had one good one off the cuff). My choir roommate has also given me full permission to practice on her, and while I don't know how much use I'll be getting out of that, it's nice to know I can. 

    My one thought waking up this morning is that if I look at this whole thing from an outside perspective, it kinda feels like I'm giving up pretty quickly. Like yeah, first sign of it not being able to work out, and a relatively indirect one at that. But I think that's okay. Most of my crush was fuelled by possibility, burning brighter because we were coincidentally getting closer at the same time. Knowing that its gone from "Unlikely but its up in the air" to "Pretty unlikely for sure" is really comforting. It helps me temper my expectations. Sure, some conversation topics will probably be a little sore for the next while--topics that are unfortunately popular ones right now because we're reaching the end of the semester and everyone's becoming a little desperate to party and meet new people--but I can move on knowing that I just was reading things wrong. Will my weak little heart still beat whenever she treats me a little different because we're good friends? Yes probably, but I can lean on knowing that its because we're good friends and that nothing will come of it. And I value friendship above all, that's why I've been going through hell with this crush because I refused to give up a friendship by pulling away from it so I could temper myself. 

    Truthfully, I think there's a good chance I break and tell her earlier than 4th year that I had this crush. Asides from the general idea of her going out to meet other women hurting, the most painful part of that convo yesterday was hearing her put herself down about her chances. I wanted to shake her so badly and scream "You can pull!!! You can absolutely pull! You fucking had me for months!!!!". I stg in the next year if she gets worse about putting herself down in that way I will actually snap and tell her for the ego boost and flattery.

    My best friend made a heartbreak playlist and shared it with me. So I think I'll be listening to that for awhile. And a lot of Fall Out Boy. He said he'd also make a slutty playlist that he'd share to me, so I'm excited for that. The boost will be necessary. I really am excited for that lesbian event after this month is over. Stars know I need it after all of this.  

Doomsday Prepping to Get My Sleep Back

I’m in hell. Having allies in the house is a beautiful thing. 

Yet another day of hanging out with my crush with extra insane moments including:

- “I would do anything you asked” (turns out this was in terms of makeup n gender shit but you understand how that would be an insane thing to hear)

- a one on one conversation about crushes, and how she does really like girls, wants to date a lesbian or a transgirl or a girl with some trans experience, how shes hopeful about hitting it off with an autistic girl  (LIKE ME. ALL LIKE ME. MY LESBIAN GENDER FUCKERY AUTISTIC ASS. LIKE ME) 

- i only got clarification of the “i’d do anything you asked” because I asked clarification hours later and when she rightfully starts asking me “why are you asking? what were you thinking?” i have to save face like “I dunno thats a lot of trust to give me I wouldnt trust myself” and shes like “I’d do anything you asked short of crying” WHICH??????? THATS THE BAR????? (Mind you this is the girl that was pitching that I find a fwbs, befriend someone and “keep the option open” as the solution to my awkwardness about hooking up)

- I was telling her about the lesbian event im going to with some of my roomies and shes asking about the day and saying “tell me when if is for sure and maybe i can tag along. If you end up alone we, can be alone together”. WHICH. ????????????. Im losing it I think

I got to debrief this with my Best Friend, and my 2 allies in the Jolly House (who internally I’ve been calling the Leo Coalition bc we’re all leos struggling in love rn). Whats come of this is some interestingly varied advice from my roomies (and my cool roomies gf who was also there), no clear verdict on whether or not she likes me back, the overall agreement that I’m Fucked, and the confirmation that my best friend is gonna do recon for me—straight up ask my crush (they're also friends) if either she likes me or would even consider me. It sounds kind of forward but I NEED peace of mind. I’ve had the roughest nights of sleep 2 nights in a row because I keep Thinking About It. I genuinely feel like I’m going insane. It is crunch time right now, I can’t be living like this for the sake of my academics.

Stay tuned on the Shitshow that is my love life!!!!

My Heads in Heaven, My Soul's In Hell (Melty Land Dreamscape)

Latest news on the crush saga: 2 of my roommates now know my plight! 

It turns out that months ago when I had told my roommates, they've (Choir and Cool) been trying to figure out who it is out of sheer curiosity.  I found it really funny. 

We ended up debriefing together- I explained my whole timeline while they told me everything they had tried to figure it out, including asking me questions about my type weeks ago for evidence to narrow down the pool. Like seriously I cannot understate, they were going fucking insane about it. It was hilarious to me. 

Anyways feels befitting that the day after that is the day I feel fucking delusional. I'm about to get embarrassing on main but if not here, then where else? Anyways. So. Crush visits, we're hanging in the living room, its chill. Another one of my roommates is down there with her laptop out, we're talking D&D, its wonderful. After like hours of chilling, some actual work being done, I make food (a plate of small baked potatoes), get through 2 bites, sit back down. 
    We're sitting next to each other because again, chill. She's clearly been getting sleepy and has been curled up to nap, doing the "resting your head in a way that you can still look at the TV" kinda thing. Once I settle back into the couch after putting my plate down, she resettles and her head is ON. MY. SHOULDER. FUCK! I'm not even kidding I'm smiling so fucking wide and hoping my roommate that's sitting across from me doesn't look up from her laptop. I'm not even kidding any hunger I had in that moment resolved. It's like when a cat settles on you. You're not allowed to move anymore. You just aren't. I'm so afraid if I shift wrong she's gonna move off me. 
    And I'm right, I shift a little and her head is back up checking her phone. It's fine. It's fine. I get a couple more bites of food in. It's chill. I settle back down. SHE SETTLES BACK INTO ME. I'm putting a new video on the TV as I'm holding back from actively texting my best friend about this. I'm so glad my phone was out of reach. I hear one of my roommates that know enter. I'm pretending to be asleep so I can avoid making eye contact with her in case she shoots me a look. 

I know this probably doesn't mean anything. We're just hit a new level of comfort now. I've been curling into her like a cat since before I realized I had this stupid fucking crush. It makes sense. She probably still thinks I'm entirely aromantic. It's fine. I can now lean into her and just steal her laptop to make proper edits, its lovely. We've moved on to mutual platonic cuddling and now I get to feel horrid about feeling more than platonic. Its fine. It's dandy. She said shes probably gonna visit tomorrow too. It's fineeeeee.

I'm trying to ride out the joys and the highs before it inevitably comes crashing down. I told the roommates that Know now that if I get some kind of confirmation that we're just. Not compatible. in Some way, I can probably put my feelings away. And I think that's true. But right now, my heart just keeps clinging onto hope. My heads going haywire with fantasies. Truly I'm feeling pathetic about it all. 

Be still my beating heart.  

Lesbian night with the roommates that Know after this month is gonna go insane. Gotta get this outta my system. 

The Story Changes (A Rock Band Did Save My Life!)

Last Night a Rock Band Saved My Life - The Story Changes 

Life's not been horrid.  

I got lunch with my mom and my brother yesterday, AYCE sushi at a place behind city hall. It was lovely, I'm glad I got to spend some time with them because I know I won't be visiting home for the rest of this month with all of my final projects wrapping up. 

On the way out from that, I decided to not immediately take the subway home- walk off the lunch and visit a nearby accessory shop. I had an item I've been hunting down for my closet so it felt like a good time to cross it off my list. I've been trying to be good about slowly building up my closet full of items I know will get use. About halfway through that trip, I start noticing texts in my group project group chat about what needs to be done.

I'm coming to realize that there is very much a relationship between my avoidance of things that stress me out (school) and making impulsive decisions.  

On Wednesday, this manifested as me preparing a DnD character sheet and starting a backstory document. 

Yesterday, it was an unfortunate reminder that I have adult money, and the ability to roam downtown Toronto freely. 

The amount of money I spent feels shameful- not over a $100 but the fact that I feel the need to specify that doesn't make it better- and going home I was hit for the first time with immense purchasing guilt. I'm usually wrapped up enough in the feeling of New Item joy that it doesn't hit me until at least a week later--if at all--but this was immediate. When I was leaving the last store of the trip I was feeling almost nauseous about it as I made it to the subway. And to top it off, my CD player was out of battery so I couldn't even listen to any of my CDs that I had brought along. 

The imminence of doing the project got to me once I got home. I ended up stuck in place on the couch for about 3 hours, mute for longer. My choir roommate (whos a psych student) bets that the muteness is part of a freeze response, the forgotten 3rd in the reactions among fight or flight. There's a non zero chance its related to my (likely) autism. 

It's really odd every time it happens, because its not like I stop wanting to be able to communicate, its just that I can't get words out of my mouth. While I was mute, my chill roommate asked "How does that work?" about a game that another roomie had brought down into the living room, Poetry for Neanderthals. I'd played it before and tried to open my mouth to explain it. And I just. Couldn't. Felt like a fish opening and closing my mouth to no avail. Ended up typing it out on a digital sticky note and turning my screen around so she could read off of it. 

My voice came back a couple hours later. It's always a weirdly sudden feeling to just be able to hop back into speaking. I wonder if my roommates find it as weird as it is for me. 

I managed to get a lot of work done at least, so I'll take that win. 

Another win is I've got another thing to look forward to for when this month is over. My cool roommate found out about a local lesbian event at the beginning of next month and got tickets for me and my choir roommate to come with. The event concept is really interesting- from what I remember you get a polaroid taken of you that gets put up on a wall and then at some point in the night you can go up to the people who caught your eye and see if you've matched. The whole idea is it being for lesbians who are unafraid of approaching others. Which. Isn't me. But hopefully putting myself out of my comfort zone will yield good results. That and a drink discount if you find a match. And roommates who are fully willing to wingman my awkward ass. 

I don't wanna say life's looking up. That feels like jinxing it. But I think I'm gonna keep trying to look up, because that's the only way to get through. 

 

Hello Again, Friend of a Friend

Been a hot minute since I've been here, let's see what you've missed. 

I had my doctors appointment at the beginning. Sat down and told my family doctor everything about how I've been doing. Even wrote a list before going in so I wouldn't forget anything. I'd say it went well. I think the fact I cried the whole way through helped my case. I'm now on antidepressants to tide me over while I wait to see a psychiatrist. My psychiatry intake call is later today. Turns out being suicidal does speed up that wait time a little bit (I was told it would take 1-6 months to hear back from the psychiatrist).

When the doctor said it would "Get worse before it gets better" on antidepressants, nothing prepared me for just how Bad it would get. My anxiety had never been worse in my life. I'm taking below the lowest dose. It was Rough. I'm on my second week on these meds now, and the anxiety has pretty much evened out but I think the depression is amplified a little bit. Getting up in the morning is still as hard as ever, but at least I'm no longer nauseous. Headaches are really consistent for me though.  

Performed at my cousins debut! I'm pissed that I completely fucked up my little solo bit on Beaches (read, didn't play it because I fucked up the first phrase and then spent the next 4 bars finding where to rejoin), but I survived! The party was a good time, its always fun seeing my cousins, and it was also fun getting to bring my guitar roommate along (longer story). 

Crush is as bad as its been (see the previous 2 posts from this month). I've survived a handful of conversations with my roommates and friends (including the crush in question) giving me advice on how to do hook-ups. I'm so glad I cannot visibly blush. I have promised my chill roommate that I will go out to the gay bar shes been frequenting once my classes are over. It gives me a reason to survive this month. 

My CD collecting is as fervent as ever. I should probably calm down on it, but it turns out doing bleh mentally doesn't translate to great financial decisions. I'll prolly show that off soon. 

- 

It took me so long to finish writing this that I actually did actually have my psych intake call. It went pretty well I think. I was locked the fuck in to be able to understand the guys voice since calls are kinda rough for me to process. I might have to go through more hoops if I want a proper ADHD help, but I'll at least be able to get assessed when I get referred to the clinic. 

Doing work is still as rough as ever, I feel pretty avoidant of it overall but at least I can start on it. Kind of. which is better than nothing. 

Just gotta keep going.