seriouslymegan

I feel sick to my stomach.. I have little to no tolerance for hearing about it processing events currently.. I really only have the capacity for work. Idk how I’m supposed to go back to school.

Work itself has been exhausting.

I’m feeling very bored and aimless today. Which is fine in theory but lately I’ve really been enjoying doing different task or projects so not really feeling interested in anything is tiresome. I do need a shower and would like to do a bit of laundry.

I also haven’t eaten much today so that’s probably a factor.

In general, I’ve also been feeling disconnected and discontent. Thinking along the lines of “I don’t really like people” and “I don’t really like being around people.” I’m not sure what to make of it. I think public life in America just feels like an unpleasant and unwelcoming place. I avoid thinking about ICE and being engaged with what’s going on. Then feel guilty about not being active in some way while also feeling hopeless. The pressure is crushing, and I don’t want to live in this country honestly. I also have absolutely no idea where I would want to be.

I did decide to increase my antidepressant. *sighs* Our hospital is narrowing our coverage, increasing our deductibles, and taking away student loan reimbursement. But still expect people to go back for their BSN–namely, me. Smh.. I feel sad, and nauseous. The anticipation of the holidays is probably also a factor. It’s always busy and I don’t get to see Jess as often cause of traveling etc.

I’m planning to go home for Thanksgiving and I think that’ll be nice. It feels good getting to see my mom and siblings. I do have to get plane tickets still and find a swap for one more shift.

I’m gonna try to eat something and shower.

I’m going to be starting therapy with a new person this week and I’m equal parts excited and nervous. I’m looking forward to having space to process and think through things but also feel nervous that talking about things is going to make them harder. I am looking forward to it though, and happy to have access to it.

My mom came to visit last week and that was good. I miss being near her and my siblings… She started getting teary when she was leaving and it surprised me. It makes me sad to think about it. She’s so sweet and I’m so thankful that I get to have time with her that isn’t compromised by my dad.

I’m sleepy and don’t want to get myself all upset since I need to go to bed soon so I’ll pause here.

I started writing this last night a couple nights ago—-I’m on an upward trend with my mood thankfully. We had backyard Pride on Sunday and it was nice to get to enjoy the sun and have gays and theys around. Got to meet a couple new people and Bella got to come since it got postponed a day which was so so nice. 🥰 I’ll try to remember to attach pictures to this post.

Mom’s coming to visit soon so I looked up some pick your own flowers places so we can go do that. :) I want to look for some other stuff to do as well. Mom and Jess are also gonna come with me to check out a mobile home I have been considering off and on for a while so that’ll be cool.

I made plans with one of my co-workers to go check out this lot we saw for sale. Idk how viable it is but it’d be cool to go see and just get some information/experience. Along those lines, I learned about a queer co-housing FB page and joined that. I’m feeling really excited that other people are thinking about/interested in multifamily living situations.

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I worked Wednesday and Thursday night. I managed to schedule a new patient appointment with an NP and a dentist visit as well. I was feeling really glad about it but now I’m mostly worried about if the PCP will actually be covered by my network or not. The “find a provider” tool is grossly unhelpful. But whatever–I’m over my heat intolerance and need to figure it out.

I’ve been having a couple really down days. I spiraled the other day cause I’m feeling.. Like if/when Jess and Michelle decide to move I just won’t get a say. I won’t get to be included in the conversation at all cause they’re married and I just don’t get a say. Jess said she wants me to be included and I’m like it’s really irrelevant if you want me to be included. It’s more of the affirmative “Of course you will be included” that I’m looking for. It’s the saying vs. the doing.

I also just don’t feel like she gets it. She’s trying to understand but idk how else to explain it. I’m very happy with our relationship, I love how we complement each other and we have a lot of emotional intimacy. My PDA just flares at the idea of not getting a choice. I don’t want that.

I wish I lived closer to my siblings and like people I’ve known for a long time. But I also don’t want to work in FL. And I like the seasons. .. It’s just hard being away and not having that support.

I’m having a hard time today. I feel stuck and just generally kind of trapped as it relates to housing and cost of living. Plus despondent about… Everything about American politics? And the genocide in Palestine. I originally came to muse about the idiosyncrasies of being an introvert and not liking very many people, but also liking people in general and wanting ease and comfort and good things for them. I want community but also I don’t want to be around anyone. lol.

I also realized today that like.. The Dems painting people who voted for Trump as racists is such a convenient way to sew division. The trick of Republicans is praying on racial anxieties, and the trick of Democrats is virtue signaling so that we can feel good about not voting for a racist while still electing people who have funded genocide… The political parties are captured on all sides by corporate interests and billionaires. Trump is a racist piece of shit but his popularity was born out of Democrats’ failure to actually represent the people. Anti-establishment won out. All Dems have is virtue signaling and identity politics–because the party doesn’t actually fucking do anything to improve people’s lives. Not the lives of the many anyway.

So I want to help create a space where people can live and be comfortable but that’s proving to be a challenge. And I’m honestly not highly resilient against red tape. Which feels like a character flaw but it’s true. lol. I meet red tape and want to take a flame thrower to it. The side stepping and cutting is exhausting.

The autistic frustration of having an idea in mind and not being able to make it how you want it… I’m excited about an idea I have for an armchair or chaise that can also double as a large ottoman. I keep finding things that would kind of work or almost work but not quite “right.” It was fine at first when I was thinking/brainstorming/exploring but now I know what I want and can’t find it and it’s incredibly annoying. Lol. Especially cause it gets stuck in my head and I just keep thinking about it cause I want it to be solved. This is nothing catastrophic of course but still, grating my nerves and taking up a lot of space in my brain.

In other news, I finally accepted a staff position at BMC. I’m anxious to see how it feels in the coming weeks–how big of an adjustment it will be or feel like, if the insurance works for me the way I hope it will. I am enjoying working more days and the idea of at least having a set weekend schedule–some sort of predictability. I will have to go back to school which I’m not looking forward to but I think it’ll have some enjoyable/positive aspects as well.

I’m looking forward to Spring. The winter was ok but I’m glad to be out of February. It’ll be nice to have less layers and more sun. I feel kind of like all I’ve had the energy for mentally is work. Or maybe I haven’t found things that get me feeling excited so the brain feels slow and sleepy.

I think too, there’s just not much going on in general. It’s very much a time of hibernation. Here anyway. More broadly that’s definitely not the case… I feel liable to get sucked into a deep pit whenever I start thinking about current events. In a lot of ways it feels like COVID all over again, but this time I don’t have this direct and obvious way to help. That also gets overwhelming. I want people to be safe and ok.

Adjacent to that, I have been thinking recently about Shannon and how our perspectives and politics just would be at odds. Like how she would feel/think about that CEO of UHC being killed since she’s also a CEO. Or even how she felt during COVID about Pfizer being urged to share their patents/information about vaccine creation.. It at least felt like her priorities were more about accumulating wealth than helping people. Which is very much at odds with my values. Especially given that the idea that companies like Pfizer took on “risk” when they were actually funded by the government to develop said vaccine meant they didn’t actually risk anything. Smh… They wanted to profiteer off a global pandemic at the expense of human lives.. But “intellectual property.” Smh.. Caring about someone and disagreeing with them on such fundamental things is a confusing situation to navigate.

Which brings us to my dad–I am leaning back towards I don’t really want to talk to him or be around him. I have no desire to be around anyone else who supports Trump. Especially not with him actively being President.. It’s a bit hard to know if I’m doing the black and white thinking. And the thing where I can’t remember things that counteract what I’m currently thinking/feeling. What I do know is I’m happy I get to talk to and see my mom without having to also interact with my dad. I use to never go home but since they’ve separated I’ve averaged about two visits a year. And my mom’s come to see me for my birthday the past couple of years which has also been nice.

I just want to be at ease. I want people to have time to rest and enjoy their lives. To have safety and security. It makes me want a big house where there’s room if people need a place to land. Except I don’t actually want to be around people all the time. Lol. I have been playing with the idea of buying land and having space for multiple homes of whatever kind. I need to just go for it and start. It will likely entail an LLC because businesses have more freedom to put structures on their land than individuals do. We’ll see..

Forgot my meds yesterday soooo that’s good to know.

I woke up after dreaming about Shannon.. Smh. At first it was cold and hostile. Then, as if it were a different timeline, it was cuddly and sweet. In it I remembered what it physically was like to have her skin on mine and what it felt like to hold her and I started crying which woke me up..

I’ve been feeling lonely. I also have been trying to connect with people but not succeeding. I just want someone who’s happy and content being together all the time honestly. Lol. Not actually all the time cause I still want alone time with Jess and to myself but… I do miss the togetherness of my and Cristina’s relationship. I also just feel a bit down on myself.. I remember Shannon trying to reassure me and being heartfelt–why wasn’t that enough?

I’m also feeling this way cause Jess reconnected with someone from high school and I’m missing/wanting some endorphins like that I think.

I’m sleepy.

I think being away from home and all the travel for the holidays has got me feeling mopey. For now, I need to sleep.