decided I would post my stories...
Since I joined LJ and started participating I have deliberated on whether to post stories I had written or just leave them on MW. I have not written a lot, and I procrastinate a lot while I am writing, so sometimes they don't get finished for a while...years sometimes!
I don't really consider myself a writer but always wanted to try so although it took me a while, I did and found I liked it.
Anyway I have come to a momentous decision for me at least...I will post them in my journal, firstly because I want to, secondly in order to encourage others to give it a try, and thirdly so I have another record of what I have written before the little grey cells deterioate completely!
Some of you may have read them before, some will not have done so.
I would love to know what you think, but any nasty or derogatory comments will not be answered by me...I grow weary of nasty people.
Read them or don't, comment or don't, it's up to you!
Be honest but kind!
Here goes...
This is my first ever QAF fic which was written over a few years-told ya I was a procrastinator! LOL!
TITLE: Heaven...or something close
GENRE:Brian/Michael, Michael/Ben, Brian/Justin, I guess a little OOC
RATING:ADULT
TIMELINE:S2
WORD COUNT:7145
BANNER:by me!
Written under my other screen name-carbon69
A/N:When I first saw this episode I thought that Michael and Brian were going to do the deed…wondered what would have happened if they did.Would it ruin their friendship as CowLip indicated or not?
Personally I think it would have made Michael’s behaviour a lot better!;)
With HUGE, HUGE acknowledgements to the writers of QAF/US season 2, episode 12
Thanks to Russell T Davies for creating QAF/UK, which made it possible for our men to exist!
Written simply to see if I could!
Disclaimer:These characters/places/and some particular scenes/dialogue are not mine, sadly they belong to CowLip/Showtime and the writers of the episode.
No profit gained, no copyright infringement intended.
HEAVEN… OR SOMETHING CLOSE
By Carbon69...A.K.A
sandra_qaf
2006/2007/2008!
Loud, pounding music. The pulsing thumpa thumpa of the beat. Beautiful men. Lots of hot, wet, shimmering, glistening, shiny bodies. All there for the same thing. Saturday night at Babylon…no other place to be!
Michael was happy. He was out with one of his two favourite men, and the other one was due back later. Brian. Although he had hoped that someday he and Brian would eventually hook up, now that he had met Ben, he was beginning to think that maybe he was free of Brian’s hold over him and could more fully enjoy their friendship, because he knew they would always be friends. They had survived too much together not to be. Lately, Michael realised that he had been silently, (and not so silently) waiting and hoping for Brian to come to his senses and admit undying love for him. All of those years that he had spent pining after Brian, wasting time, until a certain hot Professor had managed to capture Michael’s heart.
Smiling widely he took Ben’s hand and led him to the dance floor.
Dancing with Ben, Michael was as close to heaven as he had ever thought he could be…
“You know what’s going to happen?”
“What’s going to happen?”
“We’re going to go back to your place…”
“Yeah?”
“Then I’m going to rip off your clothes.”
“Mm…sounds good…then what?”
“Then I’m going to pin you to the mat like in Wrestlemania, main event. Then I’m going to grab your legs and whip them over your head, and work my tongue down between your…between your…
Michael still got somewhat embarrassed when fantasising with Ben…
“Between my what?”
“Well I got us this far…now it’s your turn!”
“Okay, okay! My turn…ah…I say lets get out of here and fuck!”
“Well, you can finish my fantasy anytime!”
They turn to leave and Michael spots Brian and Justin.
“Brian! You’re back! How was Miami?”
Brian hugs Michael …”Ah...it rained every day, I never left the hotel!”
“So the White Party was a big success?” Ben smiled.
“Not as good as that one a couple of years ago!” Brian said to Ben with a smirk.
“Yeah!”
Michael and Justin look surprised.
“What…you two were at a White Party together?”
“Along with half of gay Pittsburgh.” Brian said, tongue in cheek.
“Yes I was there doing research for a paper…’the influence of tribal rituals on queer culture’”.
“Yeah, more like the mating dance of horny homosexuals!” Michael says wryly.
“C’mon…lets go dance some more.”
Ben leads Michael to the dance floor.
Brian and Justin go to the bar. Justin is grinning. Brian notices.
“What!”
“You fucked him, didn’t you?”
“Who?”
“Who do you think? Ben!”
“Where’d you get that idea?”
“He’s only the hottest guy I’ve ever seen! How many times did you fuck him? I want numbers and positions!”
“Once…twice.”
“I’m getting hard just thinking about it…how come you haven’t told Michael?
“It’s the first rule of gay etiquette…never talk about your past fucks…especially if one of your past fucks is your best friends current fuck.”
“Ah!”
They turn to watch Michael and Ben on the dance floor.
LATER IN THE WEEK
Michael and Brian are in the steam room at the gym. Brian is of course checking out the hot guy across from him.
“Ben and me did some pretty kinky stuff last night.”
“What, flavoured condoms?” Brian says sarcastically, eyes remaining on the hot guy.
“Guess!”
“I haven’t a clue.”
Brian smiles as he remembers the White Party with Ben…white rope…tying Ben up with white rope…hot, steamy sex…with Ben.
“He tied me up!”
“No shit”
“I totally surrendered to him…its all about trust you know?”
“Its pretty good when you’re the one doing the tying too.”
“We were so close…bet you don’t find that kind of intimacy at the white party.”
Brian thinks of Ben again and what they did, thinking they got pretty close and intimate.
“Yeah…I guess not.”
“All your one night stands can’t compare with what I got.”
“Yeah, well I guess I’ll just have to settle for the next best thing!”
He smirks and heads over to the hot guy, leaving Michael smiling and shaking his head.
AT WOODY’S
“Isn’t there anybody you haven’t fucked? Ted snorts.
“He hasn’t fucked me or anybody I’ve fucked!” Michael exclaimed as he and Ben join the others.
Justin chokes on his drink and Brian and Ben look at each other. Brian glares at Justin.
“What? Says Michael
“Nothing… nothing”.
Michael looks first at Justin, then Brian, and then Ben.
Ben and Brian look at each other, both wondering what to do now. Finally Ben speaks.
“It was me.” Ben says to Michael
“Holy shit! From Ted
“Oh my!” From Emmett
“Nice going, little twot!” Brian smacks Justin round the head.
Michael bursts out laughing.
“I don’t believe it! That is so hilarious.”
“Glad you think so. So you’re ok with it.” Ben asks Michael.
“Why shouldn’t I be? Its Pittsburgh…no degrees of separation!”
Ben smiles and kisses Michael. Everyone else just smiles uneasily.
Michael and Ben arrive home and Michael pounces on Ben. Pushes him up against the wall.
“I have had a raging hard on all night!”
“I was afraid that hearing about Brian and me would have the opposite effect. Maybe I should have said something.”
“I told you its no biggie, but this is!” Michael grins looking down at Ben’s impressive groin area.
“Lucky for me you have such a kind and understanding nature.”
Pulling each other’s shirts off, they head to the bedroom.
“It was still a shitty way for you to find out.”
“I have the hottest boyfriend in Pittsburgh…it’s a given that Brian would have fucked him!”
“It was a casual thing, one night…long before you were born…to me that is!”
“We don’t have to tell each other who we’ve slept with before we met…leave your underwear on I’m going to chew through it!”
Michael’s hand wanders down to Ben’s arse. They clasp hands and Michael looks up…and imagines Brian naked, on the other side of Ben, smirking…He pauses.
“What’s up?”
“You are.” Michael shakes his head to clear the image and proceeds to blow Ben.
AT THE GYM
Ted is working out with a new trainer and Brian of course, has had the pleasure.
“Don’t tell me!” exclaims Ted.
“Afraid so.” Brian smirks.
Michael comes over. “Sorry I’m late.”
“Were you tied up?” Brian kisses him and then heads over to the trainer.
“So how’d it go, did you guys argue?” Emmett asks Michael.
“Well if I found out that my boyfriend had done the dirty with Brian that would be it…game over…how could I measure up?” Ted exclaims.
“Its not a problem, for Brian sex is like a handshake.”
“Well that isn’t what he was shaking honey!” smirked Emmett, not noticing Michael’s irritation with the subject.
“Yeah, they know each other intimately, how they feel, how they smell. The sounds they make when they’re coming…” Ted says, laughing.
“WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, I CAME HERE TO WORK OUT, NOT STAND AROUND BLABBING!”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to upset you.”
Michael begins to do weights aggressively, all the time imagining Brian with Ben and feeling angry, upset…and extremely jealous.
AT THE COMIC STORE LATER IN THE WEEK
Michael is just getting ready to close the store when Brian arrives.
“Brian.”
“Hey, Mikey, how’s it going?” Brian gives Michael a kiss.
Michael steps back, and sorts through some magazines.
“Mostly…everything’s great…”
“What is it, Mikey, something bothering you?” Knowing exactly what it is.
“How’s the Professor?”
“Why, you hoping to have a replay?”
Brian sucks his bottom lip and raises an eyebrow.‘Fuck … how do I get out of this?’
“C’mon, Mikey. You know I would never do that to you. We told you it was at the White Party. It happened. Ancient history. End of story.”
“MY HOT BOYFRIEND FUCKED MY HOT BEST FRIEND, ALL MY FRIENDS THINK IT’S GREAT, I EVEN THINK IT’S HOT, WHAT COULD BE BETTER!”
Michael yells and storms into the back of the store and starts banging stuff around.
Brian runs his hand through his hair, takes a deep breath and follows him.
“Mikey, I met Ben way before you even knew he existed, it was a White Party, you go there to be seen and to fuck. We saw and we fucked…that’s it.”
“I know that! It’s just…never mind.”
“What, Mikey?”
“YOU KEPT IT FROM ME…BOTH OF YOU! YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! WE TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING…OR AT LEAST WE USED TO…GOOD OR BAD…WE WERE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER!”
“Well, look at how you’re reacting now... I thought it was for the best if you never found out. You know I would never hurt you like that if you and Ben had been together…it was just a fuck, for Christ’s sake!” ‘Albeit a very hot fuck!’
“Yeah, it’s always just a fuck with you, get your cock sucked, fuck someone, forget ‘em, on to the next one…well until Justin came along, anyway...it’s just…FUCK!”
Brian pulls Michael close and kisses him, puts his forehead against Michael’s and sighs.
“Mikey, are you listening to me, you know I love you, always have, always will…”
He is stroking Michael’s cheek as he speaks and staring into his eyes. Michael has tears in his eyes and is trying so hard not to break down and cry like a baby. He has always loved being this close to Brian, loves to hear him say he loves him, and loves it when Brian kisses him…
Brian’s hands move down Michael’s back and squeeze his arse, causing him to groan, the kiss is so intense. Michael has been fooled before and has tried to increase the pleasure, only to be rebuffed by Brian so he just tries to enjoy this moment, while it lasts. Suddenly Brian moves his hand to Michaels groin and squeezes, rubs…it’s oh so good! Michael is stunned and he tenses…
“What’s the matter Mikey, you know you want it?” Brian is increasing the pressure and breathing into Michael’s ear, and returning to the kiss.
“Um, nothing, I…”
“Shh…just relax.”
“O… Ok”
Brian continues to squeeze and massage Michael and intensifies the kiss. Michael is panting now.
‘Oh… at last, please don’t let him stop!’ Michael’s hands are now roaming all over Brian’s body, sliding down his lean torso, down to his hips, reaching his slim, firm arse, squeezing and rubbing, thinking this is all going to stop sometime soon.
He gasps as Brian pushes him away slightly, looking uncharacteristically unsettled, as he removes his jacket and then begins to undo his jeans, one button at a time, never shifting his intense gaze from Michael’s eyes. Michael is spellbound as he watches, his heart rate increasing with every breath and with every button that is unfastened. Unable to resist any longer, he moves closer to Brian, nervously licking his lips.
‘He’s going to stop this soon, I know it.’ Michael puts his hand out, Brian takes it and brings it to his lips, kisses the palm and places it over his chest, over his heart. Michael feels the strength and speed of that heartbeat and knows Brian is as aroused as he is and with that his legs give way and he moans as Brian pulls him closer and holds him tight.
“Don’t pass out on me Mikey, not now.” Michael takes a deep breath and shakes his head, staring into the eyes he knows as well as his own, as Brian continues to hold him close.
‘Heaven, this is heaven!’
Brian moves his hands up and down Michaels back, feeling him shaking and hearing Michaels breathing become more erratic…kissing the lips he has kissed for as long as he can remember, bringing his hands round to Michael’s jeans, he slowly unfastens the belt and the jeans and pulls down the zip, slips his hand into Michael’s boxers. Michael gasps and moans as Brian takes him into his hand and squeezes firmly, deepening the kiss and beginning to moan himself.
“Mikey, are you really sure about this?”
“God Brian, I have never been so sure of anything in my life!” pants Michael, thrusting forward into Brian’s hand.
Pausing for a moment, Brian closes his eyes and comes to a decision. Sighing deeply, he whispers softly.
“OK.”
Brian kisses Michael once more and sinks to his knees. Brian takes Michael into his mouth and begins sucking, licking, using his tongue to delve into the slit and capture the precum, pulling at Michael’s sac with his right hand. Michael grips Brian’s hair tightly and leans his head backwards, thrusting unconsciously, he knows he is too far gone now to stop.
Moving his hand to the base of Michael’s cock, Brian squeezes firmly to delay Michael for a while and sucks firmly up and down his cock, feeling Michael shiver and hearing his moans grow louder. Brian smiles and releases a little pressure round Michael’s cock, increasing the pace and moving his hand up as his mouth returns downwards.
Michael’s senses are now reeling and he knows he won’t last much longer. The years of waiting and hoping for just this have taken their toll…he screams Brian’s name loudly, pulls Brian’s hair roughly and cums, leaving Brian struggling to swallow the flow.
Michael is barely conscious and his knees are buckling. Brian gently lowers him to the floor and holds him close.
“Fuck, Mikey…that was hot!”
Michael, unable to talk just nods his head, tightening his grip on Brian. Tears again threaten to fall from his eyes as he realises they finally got to finish the aborted hand job from so many years ago.Brian is now wondering if he has made a mistake.
What will happen to their friendship now?
Does he give Michael what he has yearned for all these years? If he does fuck Michael, and he realises he is sorely tempted to do so, could they really carry on as just friends? He is already confused about his feelings for Justin and now his intense feelings for Michael, due to their history together are confusing him more. He knows he cares deeply for Justin, but did he love him? He had no idea.
He always told himself and everyone else that he did not believe in love. With a childhood like his he was not in the least bit surprised. He had learned long ago to suck it up and not care. When he first saw Justin under that streetlamp he knew deep inside that something was different about him. After that first night, he had no doubt that Justin was important to him. But was it love? Fuck knows…he certainly didn’t! What the fuck did he know about love?So he tried to keep Justin at a distance. Too afraid to admit to himself the feelings he knew he had for the boy, but secretly pleased when Justin just would not give up…
And now, this thing with Mikey…he knew he had hurt him badly, time and again but always knew he would be forgiven, to be honest, he had not given much thought to what was happening to Michael at all. He knew though, that if they progressed further, he was not sure that he could treat Michael as just another fuck, not after all they had been through for and with each other.
He knew now that he actually did feel regret, regret at hurting Michael…regret that Michael found out about he and Ben…. ‘Damn Justin for being so observant!’
Michael is having much the same thoughts as he lies there in Brian’s arms. He is finally where he wants to be, where he has always wanted to be, in Brian's arms, but what about Ben? He loves Ben, doesn’t he? He knows he does, truly. But his feelings for Brian are different, so much deeper, always have been, from the first moment they met. They are connected, each a part of each other, have been for years.
He really does love Brian, but is he in love with Brian? No, he didn't think so...he had believed he was for a long time, but now he did not think so, but he had such strong feelings for him, that was for sure.
And what about Justin? Initially he had been such a shit to him because he was so jealous and angry that Justin had what he wanted, what he had always wanted. But he also knows that Brian does love Justin, (even if he won’t admit it). He has never seen Brian so happy before. And he knows that Justin, for all his young years truly loves Brian.
This and meeting Ben had allowed him to be more friendly towards Justin and he really was beginning to like him. ‘Shit! What a mess! Do I want to be with Brian, or do I just want to be fucked by Brian?’ Is it just all the years of watching Brian fuck everybody except for him that have built his feelings into an obsession? Hmmm, partly, he admits to himself. Does he just want to be thought of as one of Brian’s many cast offs? Not really. Could he live with it though?
HELL YES! He smiles and answers himself straight away. But how would it affect their friendship? Could they still have the same close relationship if they fucked?
Brian seems to be coming to the same conclusion. He loves Mikey, always has. But was he in love with him? No, he knew he was not. It was more an unbreakable connection, due to all the traumas they had been through together, forming a solid bond between them. Knowing that they would always be there for each other, no matter what. He admitted to himself that he had always felt somewhat cheated that he and Mikey had never fucked.
Hell, he knew Mikey’s body, he had seen it enough times, he knew he was hot. What had stopped him? Telling himself that you don’t fuck your friends, it would ruin the friendship. Well he had fucked Lindsay, hadn’t he? They were still friends, weren’t they, so that was a lie he told himself constantly.
He had had many opportunities over the years; he had even instigated most of them, then at the last moment, turned it into a joke or made Mikey feel he was imagining things.
God, he was such an arsehole! How must Mikey have felt? Watching Brian fucking everyone except for him. Thinking there was something wrong with him, adding to his many insecurities. Yet he had always been there for Brian, waiting to drive him home, making sure he was safe and always giving him comfort when Jack became too much to take. Always sticking up for him protecting him.
‘Yes, it is official, I am a first class arsehole.’ Brian was known for his arrogant, self serving, no bullshit attitude. Never thinking of anyone but himself. This was an image he had honed to perfection so everyone believed that image WAS Brian Kinney.One thing about him that truly was Brian Kinney, was his harsh but brutal honesty. Brian told himself that he was just protecting Mikey, yeah, right. He was, first and foremost protecting himself, as always. Too scared in case Mikey rejected him, even though he suspected he would not.
Protecting himself from hurt, because he knew(just knew) it would not be just a fuck to Mikey. Brian knew Mikey had very deep feelings for him, as he did for Mikey. Brian knew he cared deeply for Michael but he had never really envisioned them as lovers. For Mikey though, over the years it had developed into a sort of hero worship that Brian knew he did not deserve. ‘Fuck, my resistance has probably enhanced it more, making it worse.’
Brian had made himself believe that he was being a good friend and also was protecting the first true friendship he had ever had. Deep down though, he also knew that he did not want that kind of relationship with Mikey. Fuck, he did not want any kind of longstanding relationship with anyone, but even if he had, he knew that Mikey was not the one.
But then one night after Babylon, that all changed. A blond twink with blue eyes, determination and big balls had wormed his way into his life, and yeah, he had to admit it finally, (if only to himself), into his heart. He knew he would always be there for Justin, and he realised, he wanted to be with Justin. So why did he always pretend otherwise? Brian Kinney was scared. Scared of rejection. There, he had admitted it!
Same reason he had pushed and pulled with Michael, and look where that had got them!
Brian had been protecting both Mikey and himself by refusing to do what would probably have happened naturally anyway, and they would probably have remained friends, who knows? However by doing so, he had managed to hurt one of the few, if not the only person he had never wanted to hurt. The question now was, if it happened now, would they be strong enough to weather the fall out that this could cause?
Their friendship could be stronger because of it, Mikey would be happy and yeah, he had to admit that HE would be happy too. Maybe it would bring them even closer together because Mikey would not be always wondering what being fucked by Brian was like, would not be thinking he was not worthy of Brian. And Brian would not feel guilty (yes he does feel guilt, he just rarely let anyone know about it) about constantly rejecting Michael and that itch would be finally scratched and laid to rest for both of them.
“Brian?”
“Yeah, Mikey, you alright?”
“Um, yeah I think so, you?”
Brian sits up and looks at Michael, sighs and nods.
“I think we need to finally finish this, we have been skirting round it for too long, but if we do, there can be no repeats and no regrets.”
Michael took a deep breath.
“Brian, you know how I feel about you, hell half of Pittsburgh knows how I feel about you!”
“I really thought for a long time that we would end up together, then Justin arrived on the scene and I was a shit to him because he got what I had always wanted. Even though I had met Ben I still wanted you. Lately though, I have realised that my feelings for you, although still there, are not the same as my feelings for Ben. I really love him, Brian, and I know he loves me.
Still I wonder and will always wonder what it would be like to be fucked by Brian Kinney. Shit, I am so tired of being one of the very few who have not known the pleasure of the legend. I think after all these years I should know, don’t you? I think we really need this, Brian, I know I do.”
“Knowing you and Ben have fucked, stirred up these feelings again. I wasn’t sure if it was because you had fucked him or because once again, here was someone who had had the pleasure of Brian Kinney. Someone I thought was all mine. I realised it was because Ben had been with you…and I still hadn’t. I think the time is right Brian, and I think you know it too. The time is right now!”
Brian was surprised and a little shocked at how forthright Michael had been. He was used to Michael stammering and making jokes to cover his true feelings. He realised that Michael was finally stating what he wanted without fear and with determination. Taking a deep breath he smiled.
“You’re right Michael, I do think that we should have dealt with this a long time ago, and yeah, I think I want this too.”
“ I agree the time is right, but if we do this there could be problems with Ben and Justin, I don’t want to lose Justin and I know you don’t want to lose Ben.”
“I know that, Brian, but we really need this to happen, and it has to happen, now!”
Brian looked at Michael and could see the determination and desire in his eyes.‘God, his eyes have always shown his feelings so well. I don’t want to see the hurt that I have put there so many times anymore.’
Brian sighed and whispered “OK, Michael.” Smiling and staring into Michael’s eyes, he leaned in and kissed him gently. Michael deepened the kiss and soon they were stretched out on the floor, with Brian laying on top of Michael.Brian wanted this to be special, Michael was not just a trick to him and he knew the feeling was reciprocated. A flicker of unease passed over him as he thought about how Justin would react, because he knew he would have to tell him. Justin would probably figure it out anyway, clever little twot. Forcing himself to worry about that later, he concentrated on making Michael, his Mikey, feel good and in turn he relaxed and gave in to his own desire.
Undressing each other fully, their passion increased. Brian kissed down Michael’s body, touching and kissing every area of skin, making Michael moan with each kiss. Michael let his hands roam over Brian’s back and relished the satin feel of the skin under his hands. The body he had craved for all of those years was now in his grasp, willingly given in an act of love and friendship. Various thoughts ran through Michaels head as he felt Brian moving closer to his groin and he shook his head to clear them away.
He wanted nothing to taint this experience, he wanted to remember it in its entirety, forever. He savoured each kiss and caress that Brian gave to him and hoped that Brian was receiving as much joy as he was.As Brian spread Michael’s legs wider to gain access to his hole, Michael gasped and thrust his body upwards . “Patience, Mikey.” Brian moved so he could lick and rim Michael, his love of this act ensuring maximum pleasure for them both.
Michael was now moaning and shouting Brian’s name continually. Brian’s fingers, now wet with lube, finally circled the prize, pressing gently at first and then a finger slid into Michael making him gasp again. “Ah Brian, so good, yes.” Brian pushed another finger in and scissored and twisted them inside Michael.
“Mikey, so tight, ah.”
“Now Brian, I need you now!”
Michael almost screamed , the passion so engulfed him.
“Soon Mikey.” Brian handed the condom to Mikey and looked into his eyes and smiled. He knelt up while Michael sheathed him, removed his fingers and positioned himself, pulling Michaels legs around his waist. Pushing in slowly, inch by inch until he was fully in he paused. Placing his hand over Michaels heart, he felt Michael push back so began to slowly and forcefully thrust in and out staring into Michaels eyes.“
Ah, Brian, harder, please, harder.”
Brian continued moving slowly, but firmly, watching the brown eyes turn darker with every thrust. Michael was now careering out of control and Brian could sense that he was close. Brian removed his hand from Michaels chest and grasped Michaels cock and began to pump it in time with his now increased thrusts.
“Ah Mikey, love you always have…”
Brian felt the cum over his fingers and allowed himself to come after a few more thrusts. He collapsed onto Michael who wrapped his arms round Brian tightly .
“Bri, thank you, I love you too, always will.
Ben had decided to surprise Michael at the store as he had finished up early at the college. Reaching the door he was surprised to find it locked. Peering in he could see nobody about although the lights were on. Figuring that Michael had just popped out for something he decides to go in and wait for him. Using the spare key he has, he enters the store. Walking towards the counter he hears a noise from the back and walking towards it hears Michaels voice.
“Michael, are you alright?”
Reaching the back room he is shocked to see Michael struggling to dress himself and Brian, also in a state of undress, uncharacteristically looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
“What the fuck is going on here?”
“Ben, it’s not what you think, please let me explain!” Michael is looking from Ben to Brian, a look of sheer horror on his face.
“Professor, listen to Michael, let him explain”
“You shut the fuck up, I don’t want to hear anything from you!” Ben glares at Brian and looks at Michael.
“Well, Michael explain, I’m listening.”
“Ben I…Ben I’m sorry, I was going to tell you I promise…”
“Tell me what…that you have been cheating on me…and with him?”
“How could you, I trusted you, even though I knew you had feelings for him, I never thought that you would betray me like this!”
Ben starts to walk away head down and fists clenched.
“Ben, please don’t walk away, let me explain…I have not been cheating on you…this…this thing with Brian…I…we…it just…”
“It just happened…is that what you are telling me?” Ben roared at Michael, unshed tears in his eyes.
“I can’t deal with this now, I will see you at home, later.”
And with that Ben storms out of the store.
Michael sinks to the floor, tears streaming down his face.
“I’ve lost him Brian, what am I gonna do?”
Brian, now fully dressed, takes Michael in his arms and hugs him.
“Michael, I don’t know how, but we will fix this, I promise.”
Brian has no idea how they will fix it, but he hopes they can…he had never seen Ben so hurt and angry before.
‘God, we really fucked things up and good.’
“I am so sorry Michael, I should never have let this happen.”
“Brian, it’s not just you, we both should have known better, I just wish…”
“I know Mikey, me too, me too.” Brian sighs heavily and stands, pulling Michael up with him.
Ben walked away from the store, angry thoughts swirling around his head. How could Michael have done this to him, to them? He’d thought that they had something special and that Michael’s feelings for Brian had receded. Brian had assured him, many times that he did not feel that way about Michael, they were just good friends. Huh, good friends, that’s a laugh! Ben could not stop thinking of all the times that Michael had left him to go to Brian, the lost dates, the broken appointments.
Had Michael been lying all of those times, cheating , and with Brian…the one man that Ben really felt threatened by, although he tried not to show it?
Slowing his steps now he had reached the park, he sat on an empty bench and put his head in his hands. Sighing heavily, he remembered Michael’s face when he had entered the back of the store. Michael had looked scared and upset. He knew Michael could not lie worth a damn. Ben thought about the hold that Brian had on Michael and had known all along that the feelings ran deep.
He had thought by allowing Michael the freedom to continue their close friendship, that things were slowly changing. Michael told him he loved him and showed it freely. After their false start it had seemed that Michael was growing in the way he handled things.
Lately, he had noticed that Michael was not running after Brian as much as he usually did. Oh he still called him and went round to Brian’s on odd evenings, but there had definitely been a reduction in the frequency that Brian’s name was mentioned, he had to admit that.
Knowing that Michael had been upset when he learned of Brian and his past, even though he had tried to hide it, Ben was now thinking that maybe it had been done in a fit of jealousy. Remembering the look on his face, Ben reconsidered what he had seen. There was no mistaking what had gone on before he had arrived at the store, he was sure of that. Ben now thought of how Brian had looked. The man had looked totally freaked, not a usual look for the great Kinney. He had actually looked tearful and scared…would not meet Ben’s eyes…something was not quite making sense here, Ben thought, leaning back on the bench. What was it Michael had said…it just happened .
Maybe…sighing again, Ben stood and began walking back to the store. He knew he could not wait for Michael to come home, he had to sort this out now.
Back at the store, Michael had calmed a little and Brian sighed.
“Don’t worry, Michael, Ben will be back, he really loves you, you know.”
“I thought so too, but after this I don’t know.” Michael said sadly.
Just then the door opened and Ben entered locking the door after him.
“Look, I don’t pretend to know what this is gonna mean to us all, but I love you Michael, you know that.”
Michael stared at Ben for a moment , then a big smile lit up his face and he ran to Ben and hugged him tightly.
“Ben, Ben! I am really so sorry!” “I was going to tell you, but I did not know how.”
Brian clears his throat and looks at Ben.
“ Look Ben, it really has just been this one time, I realised a lot of things today, mainly how badly I have made Michael feel over the years.
When he found out about us, I must admit I was worried because his feelings were hurt once again and it was my fault…again! I must admit I came here today to finally give him what he wanted and needed, what we both needed. I was almost sure that he would push me away out of self preservation but this thing between you and I seems to have given him the courage to take what he wanted. I think we both feel relieved that it is finally done, it was long overdue and although we love each other and always will, we are not in love with each other and we never would be.”
“Brian, I think I understand but I can’t say I am happy about it. I knew Michael had these feelings for you and you for him, I just never thought you would…that he…well you know. However, now that it has happened maybe you can both move on and still be the true friends that you are.
I more than anyone know how short life can be and to have regrets of time wasted or things unsaid or done is not the way to live life to the fullest.”
“Ben, always Zen Ben…you always seem to know just what to say. I know I always say sorry is bullshit…but this time I mean it when I say I’m sorry, really.”
“Zen Ben…is that how you see me?”Ben smiles and laughs out loud.
“Yeah…well.” Brian smirks and laughs as well.
“Ben, I am so sorry, you know I love you and I really would not do anything to hurt you but I know this thing between me and Brian has caused you and I a lot of stress and now I think we can just get on with our lives, me especially.”
“Michael, I know you love me and I think we will be just fine.”
Ben looks at Michael and they kiss. Ben looks at Brian worriedly.
“Brian, what about Justin, you will have to tell him, how do you think he will react?”
Pulling his lips into his mouth, Brian sighs deeply.
“I really don’t know, I suppose I will have to tell him but truthfully, I don’t know if I can.”
“Would it help if we were there when you tell him?”
“Maybe, I’m not sure. No, I think I have to do this myself.”
“Brian, we will be there if you need us to be, you know that, right?”
“Thanks, Mikey, Professor.”
Brian kisses Michael on the lips as usual and then surprisingly kisses Ben as well.
He then turns and leaves the store.
Heading home to the loft Brian is wondering how he is going to tell Justin or indeed if he can get away without saying anything at all. Of course that would be the better option but he knew he would not be able to hide it from Justin. He would be on to him in a flash, he knew that for sure. ‘
Suck it up, Kinney…you know you are gonna tell him so just get it over with.
” Reaching his building he enters the elevator, delaying his arrival for a short while. Standing at his door, he takes a few deep breaths and opens the door, resigned to his fate, whatever that will be.He looks around for Justin, the loft is silent.
He lets out a sigh of relief. Justin is not home yet. He can use the little time he has to think about what he will say.Moving towards the bedroom he undresses and gets into the shower. Memories of Justin and he taking their many showers together fill his mind. He feels his chest tighten, he can hardly breathe. ‘Fuck! Am I having a panic attack?
He struggles to take a few deep breaths, then he finds himself shaking and actually breaking down in tears. He slides down the shower wall holding his head in his hands. ‘
Well, no-one will be surprised, I fucked up again,as usual. Typical Brian Kinney they will say and who could blame them. I am so good at being that Brian Kinney, it’s just what they will expect anyway. But Justin, how will he feel, he has been so happy lately but he still has the occasional nightmare, I don’t want see him hurt anymore, FUCK!…I don’t think I can tell him, shit, what am I gonna do?’
Justin arrives home and opens the loft door.
“Brian, I’m home, sorry I am late.”
Dropping his bag and kicking off his shoes he walks further into the room looking for Brian. Hearing the shower he grins and starts taking his clothes off as he walks towards the bedroom. Opening the shower door he is shocked to see Brian on the floor, sobbing.
“Brian, whats wrong?”
He kneels down in front of Brian and takes him in his arms. Brian hugs him tightly but continues sobbing. Justin is getting scared now, Brian has never cried like this to his knowledge. Justin just holds him and whispers to him, telling him he is there and rubbing his back. Realising that the water is running cold, he stands and turns it off, reaching back down to Brian.
“Come on Brian, lets get dry at least, OK?”
He is relieved when Brian takes his hand and moves out of the shower. Taking a towel Justin quickly dries Brian off and hands him his robe. Drying himself quckly, he grabs another robe and faces Brian. Brian has stopped crying now and is just standing there, staring at the floor. He looks so dejected and lost that Justin feels tears threatening to fall.
“Brian…Brian…BRIAN!”
At the raised voice Brian looks up and Justin again takes him into his arms leading him to the bed. Helping Brian onto the bed, Justin spoons up to him holding him tightly and trying to soothe him as much as he can, wondering what the hell has happened. ‘
Christ, what the hell is going on, has something happened to Gusor Michael? Lindsay? Shit! I have never seen Brian like this, what the fuck is it?’
Feeling Brian sigh heavily he turns him around and looks at him. Touching his face softly he stares into Brian’s eyes. He sees the sadness there before Brian can get his walls up again . Taking a deep breath and trying to calm his fast beating heart he begins to speak.
“Brian, what is going on, what’s wrong, please tell me, you are scaring me so much. Please, you can tell me anything. Has something happened to Gus? Or Michael or Lindz, what the hell is it?”
Brian realises what Justin must have been thinking and struggles to answer.
“Shit, Justin, no, they are alright, it’s not them, OK?”
Brian’s voice is hoarse and cracks as he speaks. “I, I have to tell you something, I don’t think you will like it, but I know I have to tell you.”
“Fuck Brian, just tell me now,please, you are really scaring me now!”
Brian can feel Justin’s heartbeat along with his own and taking a couple of deep breaths looks at Justin.
“IsleptwithMichael!”
Closing his eyes and turning away from Justin, he curls up, hugging his knees...
Justin is shocked and surprised at what he has just heard but the overwhelming feeling he has is one of relief. Imagining all the horrible things he had thought when he found Brian in this state and not knowing what the hell had happened was almost worse than seeing Brian Kinney cry!
Justin gets off the bed and walks to the kitchen trying to hide the smile that is threatening to break into laughter. Going to the fridge he takes out two bottles of water. Placing them on the counter he leans against it and sighs then starts to laugh. Trying to disguise it with a cough he slides to the floor covering his mouth and putting his head on his knees.
Brian lifts his head when he feels Justin move off the bed and watches him move toward the kitchen. Seeing him take the water out he closes his eyes. Opening them again and seeing Justin on the floor, he moves off the bed and towards him. Seeing him shaking he runs to him and kneels on the floor in front of him.
“Justin, I’m sorry, so sorry, I, I really never meant to hurt you, I’m sorry!”
Justin looks up at Brian and is overcome with another fit of giggles.
“Brian, I am sorry, I just can’t deal at the moment, this is too…”
Collapsing into Brian’s arms he continues to laugh, tears streaming down his face. Brian is at first annoyed that Justin is laughing and then relieved at the fact. Slowly he begins to laugh as well, hugging Justin to him tightly.
Eventually the laughter subsides and they look into each others eyes and smile.
“I love you Brian Kinney, just don’t ever do that to me again!”
“You mean you are alright with what I did?”
“Brian, I know you and I know you love me, even if you can’t say it! You and Michael have been skirting around each other for years, it’s about time that this happened, I wondered if it ever would. I am not glad it happened but I am glad you cared enough to tell me, although I could have done without the drama!”
Smiling at Brian he stands up and pulls Brian up into another hug.
“Fuck, Sunshine, I always knew you were smart!”
“Brian Kinney so gives a damn!…I told you I was onto you and I meant it!”
Smiling down at Justin, Brian stares into his eyes and sees the love shining there. Never having had much use for religion, heaven or hell, he is surprised to find himself remembering a few words of an old Motown song.
‘…heaven must have sent you, into my arms!’
Kissing him slowly and sensually he realises just how thankful he is that he and Justin found each other that night outside Babylon.
End
By the way I got to the dentist on time yesterday...yaaaay me!
later x
I don't really consider myself a writer but always wanted to try so although it took me a while, I did and found I liked it.
Anyway I have come to a momentous decision for me at least...I will post them in my journal, firstly because I want to, secondly in order to encourage others to give it a try, and thirdly so I have another record of what I have written before the little grey cells deterioate completely!
Some of you may have read them before, some will not have done so.
I would love to know what you think, but any nasty or derogatory comments will not be answered by me...I grow weary of nasty people.
Read them or don't, comment or don't, it's up to you!
Be honest but kind!
Here goes...
This is my first ever QAF fic which was written over a few years-told ya I was a procrastinator! LOL!
TITLE: Heaven...or something close
GENRE:Brian/Michael, Michael/Ben, Brian/Justin, I guess a little OOC
RATING:ADULT
TIMELINE:S2
WORD COUNT:7145
BANNER:by me!
Written under my other screen name-carbon69
A/N:When I first saw this episode I thought that Michael and Brian were going to do the deed…wondered what would have happened if they did.Would it ruin their friendship as CowLip indicated or not?
Personally I think it would have made Michael’s behaviour a lot better!;)
With HUGE, HUGE acknowledgements to the writers of QAF/US season 2, episode 12
Thanks to Russell T Davies for creating QAF/UK, which made it possible for our men to exist!
Written simply to see if I could!
Disclaimer:These characters/places/and some particular scenes/dialogue are not mine, sadly they belong to CowLip/Showtime and the writers of the episode.
No profit gained, no copyright infringement intended.
HEAVEN… OR SOMETHING CLOSE
By Carbon69...A.K.A
sandra_qaf2006/2007/2008!
Loud, pounding music. The pulsing thumpa thumpa of the beat. Beautiful men. Lots of hot, wet, shimmering, glistening, shiny bodies. All there for the same thing. Saturday night at Babylon…no other place to be!
Michael was happy. He was out with one of his two favourite men, and the other one was due back later. Brian. Although he had hoped that someday he and Brian would eventually hook up, now that he had met Ben, he was beginning to think that maybe he was free of Brian’s hold over him and could more fully enjoy their friendship, because he knew they would always be friends. They had survived too much together not to be. Lately, Michael realised that he had been silently, (and not so silently) waiting and hoping for Brian to come to his senses and admit undying love for him. All of those years that he had spent pining after Brian, wasting time, until a certain hot Professor had managed to capture Michael’s heart.
Smiling widely he took Ben’s hand and led him to the dance floor.
Dancing with Ben, Michael was as close to heaven as he had ever thought he could be…
“You know what’s going to happen?”
“What’s going to happen?”
“We’re going to go back to your place…”
“Yeah?”
“Then I’m going to rip off your clothes.”
“Mm…sounds good…then what?”
“Then I’m going to pin you to the mat like in Wrestlemania, main event. Then I’m going to grab your legs and whip them over your head, and work my tongue down between your…between your…
Michael still got somewhat embarrassed when fantasising with Ben…
“Between my what?”
“Well I got us this far…now it’s your turn!”
“Okay, okay! My turn…ah…I say lets get out of here and fuck!”
“Well, you can finish my fantasy anytime!”
They turn to leave and Michael spots Brian and Justin.
“Brian! You’re back! How was Miami?”
Brian hugs Michael …”Ah...it rained every day, I never left the hotel!”
“So the White Party was a big success?” Ben smiled.
“Not as good as that one a couple of years ago!” Brian said to Ben with a smirk.
“Yeah!”
Michael and Justin look surprised.
“What…you two were at a White Party together?”
“Along with half of gay Pittsburgh.” Brian said, tongue in cheek.
“Yes I was there doing research for a paper…’the influence of tribal rituals on queer culture’”.
“Yeah, more like the mating dance of horny homosexuals!” Michael says wryly.
“C’mon…lets go dance some more.”
Ben leads Michael to the dance floor.
Brian and Justin go to the bar. Justin is grinning. Brian notices.
“What!”
“You fucked him, didn’t you?”
“Who?”
“Who do you think? Ben!”
“Where’d you get that idea?”
“He’s only the hottest guy I’ve ever seen! How many times did you fuck him? I want numbers and positions!”
“Once…twice.”
“I’m getting hard just thinking about it…how come you haven’t told Michael?
“It’s the first rule of gay etiquette…never talk about your past fucks…especially if one of your past fucks is your best friends current fuck.”
“Ah!”
They turn to watch Michael and Ben on the dance floor.
LATER IN THE WEEK
Michael and Brian are in the steam room at the gym. Brian is of course checking out the hot guy across from him.
“Ben and me did some pretty kinky stuff last night.”
“What, flavoured condoms?” Brian says sarcastically, eyes remaining on the hot guy.
“Guess!”
“I haven’t a clue.”
Brian smiles as he remembers the White Party with Ben…white rope…tying Ben up with white rope…hot, steamy sex…with Ben.
“He tied me up!”
“No shit”
“I totally surrendered to him…its all about trust you know?”
“Its pretty good when you’re the one doing the tying too.”
“We were so close…bet you don’t find that kind of intimacy at the white party.”
Brian thinks of Ben again and what they did, thinking they got pretty close and intimate.
“Yeah…I guess not.”
“All your one night stands can’t compare with what I got.”
“Yeah, well I guess I’ll just have to settle for the next best thing!”
He smirks and heads over to the hot guy, leaving Michael smiling and shaking his head.
AT WOODY’S
“Isn’t there anybody you haven’t fucked? Ted snorts.
“He hasn’t fucked me or anybody I’ve fucked!” Michael exclaimed as he and Ben join the others.
Justin chokes on his drink and Brian and Ben look at each other. Brian glares at Justin.
“What? Says Michael
“Nothing… nothing”.
Michael looks first at Justin, then Brian, and then Ben.
Ben and Brian look at each other, both wondering what to do now. Finally Ben speaks.
“It was me.” Ben says to Michael
“Holy shit! From Ted
“Oh my!” From Emmett
“Nice going, little twot!” Brian smacks Justin round the head.
Michael bursts out laughing.
“I don’t believe it! That is so hilarious.”
“Glad you think so. So you’re ok with it.” Ben asks Michael.
“Why shouldn’t I be? Its Pittsburgh…no degrees of separation!”
Ben smiles and kisses Michael. Everyone else just smiles uneasily.
Michael and Ben arrive home and Michael pounces on Ben. Pushes him up against the wall.
“I have had a raging hard on all night!”
“I was afraid that hearing about Brian and me would have the opposite effect. Maybe I should have said something.”
“I told you its no biggie, but this is!” Michael grins looking down at Ben’s impressive groin area.
“Lucky for me you have such a kind and understanding nature.”
Pulling each other’s shirts off, they head to the bedroom.
“It was still a shitty way for you to find out.”
“I have the hottest boyfriend in Pittsburgh…it’s a given that Brian would have fucked him!”
“It was a casual thing, one night…long before you were born…to me that is!”
“We don’t have to tell each other who we’ve slept with before we met…leave your underwear on I’m going to chew through it!”
Michael’s hand wanders down to Ben’s arse. They clasp hands and Michael looks up…and imagines Brian naked, on the other side of Ben, smirking…He pauses.
“What’s up?”
“You are.” Michael shakes his head to clear the image and proceeds to blow Ben.
AT THE GYM
Ted is working out with a new trainer and Brian of course, has had the pleasure.
“Don’t tell me!” exclaims Ted.
“Afraid so.” Brian smirks.
Michael comes over. “Sorry I’m late.”
“Were you tied up?” Brian kisses him and then heads over to the trainer.
“So how’d it go, did you guys argue?” Emmett asks Michael.
“Well if I found out that my boyfriend had done the dirty with Brian that would be it…game over…how could I measure up?” Ted exclaims.
“Its not a problem, for Brian sex is like a handshake.”
“Well that isn’t what he was shaking honey!” smirked Emmett, not noticing Michael’s irritation with the subject.
“Yeah, they know each other intimately, how they feel, how they smell. The sounds they make when they’re coming…” Ted says, laughing.
“WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, I CAME HERE TO WORK OUT, NOT STAND AROUND BLABBING!”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to upset you.”
Michael begins to do weights aggressively, all the time imagining Brian with Ben and feeling angry, upset…and extremely jealous.
AT THE COMIC STORE LATER IN THE WEEK
Michael is just getting ready to close the store when Brian arrives.
“Brian.”
“Hey, Mikey, how’s it going?” Brian gives Michael a kiss.
Michael steps back, and sorts through some magazines.
“Mostly…everything’s great…”
“What is it, Mikey, something bothering you?” Knowing exactly what it is.
“How’s the Professor?”
“Why, you hoping to have a replay?”
Brian sucks his bottom lip and raises an eyebrow.‘Fuck … how do I get out of this?’
“C’mon, Mikey. You know I would never do that to you. We told you it was at the White Party. It happened. Ancient history. End of story.”
“MY HOT BOYFRIEND FUCKED MY HOT BEST FRIEND, ALL MY FRIENDS THINK IT’S GREAT, I EVEN THINK IT’S HOT, WHAT COULD BE BETTER!”
Michael yells and storms into the back of the store and starts banging stuff around.
Brian runs his hand through his hair, takes a deep breath and follows him.
“Mikey, I met Ben way before you even knew he existed, it was a White Party, you go there to be seen and to fuck. We saw and we fucked…that’s it.”
“I know that! It’s just…never mind.”
“What, Mikey?”
“YOU KEPT IT FROM ME…BOTH OF YOU! YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! WE TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING…OR AT LEAST WE USED TO…GOOD OR BAD…WE WERE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER!”
“Well, look at how you’re reacting now... I thought it was for the best if you never found out. You know I would never hurt you like that if you and Ben had been together…it was just a fuck, for Christ’s sake!” ‘Albeit a very hot fuck!’
“Yeah, it’s always just a fuck with you, get your cock sucked, fuck someone, forget ‘em, on to the next one…well until Justin came along, anyway...it’s just…FUCK!”
Brian pulls Michael close and kisses him, puts his forehead against Michael’s and sighs.
“Mikey, are you listening to me, you know I love you, always have, always will…”
He is stroking Michael’s cheek as he speaks and staring into his eyes. Michael has tears in his eyes and is trying so hard not to break down and cry like a baby. He has always loved being this close to Brian, loves to hear him say he loves him, and loves it when Brian kisses him…
Brian’s hands move down Michael’s back and squeeze his arse, causing him to groan, the kiss is so intense. Michael has been fooled before and has tried to increase the pleasure, only to be rebuffed by Brian so he just tries to enjoy this moment, while it lasts. Suddenly Brian moves his hand to Michaels groin and squeezes, rubs…it’s oh so good! Michael is stunned and he tenses…
“What’s the matter Mikey, you know you want it?” Brian is increasing the pressure and breathing into Michael’s ear, and returning to the kiss.
“Um, nothing, I…”
“Shh…just relax.”
“O… Ok”
Brian continues to squeeze and massage Michael and intensifies the kiss. Michael is panting now.
‘Oh… at last, please don’t let him stop!’ Michael’s hands are now roaming all over Brian’s body, sliding down his lean torso, down to his hips, reaching his slim, firm arse, squeezing and rubbing, thinking this is all going to stop sometime soon.
He gasps as Brian pushes him away slightly, looking uncharacteristically unsettled, as he removes his jacket and then begins to undo his jeans, one button at a time, never shifting his intense gaze from Michael’s eyes. Michael is spellbound as he watches, his heart rate increasing with every breath and with every button that is unfastened. Unable to resist any longer, he moves closer to Brian, nervously licking his lips.
‘He’s going to stop this soon, I know it.’ Michael puts his hand out, Brian takes it and brings it to his lips, kisses the palm and places it over his chest, over his heart. Michael feels the strength and speed of that heartbeat and knows Brian is as aroused as he is and with that his legs give way and he moans as Brian pulls him closer and holds him tight.
“Don’t pass out on me Mikey, not now.” Michael takes a deep breath and shakes his head, staring into the eyes he knows as well as his own, as Brian continues to hold him close.
‘Heaven, this is heaven!’
Brian moves his hands up and down Michaels back, feeling him shaking and hearing Michaels breathing become more erratic…kissing the lips he has kissed for as long as he can remember, bringing his hands round to Michael’s jeans, he slowly unfastens the belt and the jeans and pulls down the zip, slips his hand into Michael’s boxers. Michael gasps and moans as Brian takes him into his hand and squeezes firmly, deepening the kiss and beginning to moan himself.
“Mikey, are you really sure about this?”
“God Brian, I have never been so sure of anything in my life!” pants Michael, thrusting forward into Brian’s hand.
Pausing for a moment, Brian closes his eyes and comes to a decision. Sighing deeply, he whispers softly.
“OK.”
Brian kisses Michael once more and sinks to his knees. Brian takes Michael into his mouth and begins sucking, licking, using his tongue to delve into the slit and capture the precum, pulling at Michael’s sac with his right hand. Michael grips Brian’s hair tightly and leans his head backwards, thrusting unconsciously, he knows he is too far gone now to stop.
Moving his hand to the base of Michael’s cock, Brian squeezes firmly to delay Michael for a while and sucks firmly up and down his cock, feeling Michael shiver and hearing his moans grow louder. Brian smiles and releases a little pressure round Michael’s cock, increasing the pace and moving his hand up as his mouth returns downwards.
Michael’s senses are now reeling and he knows he won’t last much longer. The years of waiting and hoping for just this have taken their toll…he screams Brian’s name loudly, pulls Brian’s hair roughly and cums, leaving Brian struggling to swallow the flow.
Michael is barely conscious and his knees are buckling. Brian gently lowers him to the floor and holds him close.
“Fuck, Mikey…that was hot!”
Michael, unable to talk just nods his head, tightening his grip on Brian. Tears again threaten to fall from his eyes as he realises they finally got to finish the aborted hand job from so many years ago.Brian is now wondering if he has made a mistake.
What will happen to their friendship now?
Does he give Michael what he has yearned for all these years? If he does fuck Michael, and he realises he is sorely tempted to do so, could they really carry on as just friends? He is already confused about his feelings for Justin and now his intense feelings for Michael, due to their history together are confusing him more. He knows he cares deeply for Justin, but did he love him? He had no idea.
He always told himself and everyone else that he did not believe in love. With a childhood like his he was not in the least bit surprised. He had learned long ago to suck it up and not care. When he first saw Justin under that streetlamp he knew deep inside that something was different about him. After that first night, he had no doubt that Justin was important to him. But was it love? Fuck knows…he certainly didn’t! What the fuck did he know about love?So he tried to keep Justin at a distance. Too afraid to admit to himself the feelings he knew he had for the boy, but secretly pleased when Justin just would not give up…
And now, this thing with Mikey…he knew he had hurt him badly, time and again but always knew he would be forgiven, to be honest, he had not given much thought to what was happening to Michael at all. He knew though, that if they progressed further, he was not sure that he could treat Michael as just another fuck, not after all they had been through for and with each other.
He knew now that he actually did feel regret, regret at hurting Michael…regret that Michael found out about he and Ben…. ‘Damn Justin for being so observant!’
Michael is having much the same thoughts as he lies there in Brian’s arms. He is finally where he wants to be, where he has always wanted to be, in Brian's arms, but what about Ben? He loves Ben, doesn’t he? He knows he does, truly. But his feelings for Brian are different, so much deeper, always have been, from the first moment they met. They are connected, each a part of each other, have been for years.
He really does love Brian, but is he in love with Brian? No, he didn't think so...he had believed he was for a long time, but now he did not think so, but he had such strong feelings for him, that was for sure.
And what about Justin? Initially he had been such a shit to him because he was so jealous and angry that Justin had what he wanted, what he had always wanted. But he also knows that Brian does love Justin, (even if he won’t admit it). He has never seen Brian so happy before. And he knows that Justin, for all his young years truly loves Brian.
This and meeting Ben had allowed him to be more friendly towards Justin and he really was beginning to like him. ‘Shit! What a mess! Do I want to be with Brian, or do I just want to be fucked by Brian?’ Is it just all the years of watching Brian fuck everybody except for him that have built his feelings into an obsession? Hmmm, partly, he admits to himself. Does he just want to be thought of as one of Brian’s many cast offs? Not really. Could he live with it though?
HELL YES! He smiles and answers himself straight away. But how would it affect their friendship? Could they still have the same close relationship if they fucked?
Brian seems to be coming to the same conclusion. He loves Mikey, always has. But was he in love with him? No, he knew he was not. It was more an unbreakable connection, due to all the traumas they had been through together, forming a solid bond between them. Knowing that they would always be there for each other, no matter what. He admitted to himself that he had always felt somewhat cheated that he and Mikey had never fucked.
Hell, he knew Mikey’s body, he had seen it enough times, he knew he was hot. What had stopped him? Telling himself that you don’t fuck your friends, it would ruin the friendship. Well he had fucked Lindsay, hadn’t he? They were still friends, weren’t they, so that was a lie he told himself constantly.
He had had many opportunities over the years; he had even instigated most of them, then at the last moment, turned it into a joke or made Mikey feel he was imagining things.
God, he was such an arsehole! How must Mikey have felt? Watching Brian fucking everyone except for him. Thinking there was something wrong with him, adding to his many insecurities. Yet he had always been there for Brian, waiting to drive him home, making sure he was safe and always giving him comfort when Jack became too much to take. Always sticking up for him protecting him.
‘Yes, it is official, I am a first class arsehole.’ Brian was known for his arrogant, self serving, no bullshit attitude. Never thinking of anyone but himself. This was an image he had honed to perfection so everyone believed that image WAS Brian Kinney.One thing about him that truly was Brian Kinney, was his harsh but brutal honesty. Brian told himself that he was just protecting Mikey, yeah, right. He was, first and foremost protecting himself, as always. Too scared in case Mikey rejected him, even though he suspected he would not.
Protecting himself from hurt, because he knew(just knew) it would not be just a fuck to Mikey. Brian knew Mikey had very deep feelings for him, as he did for Mikey. Brian knew he cared deeply for Michael but he had never really envisioned them as lovers. For Mikey though, over the years it had developed into a sort of hero worship that Brian knew he did not deserve. ‘Fuck, my resistance has probably enhanced it more, making it worse.’
Brian had made himself believe that he was being a good friend and also was protecting the first true friendship he had ever had. Deep down though, he also knew that he did not want that kind of relationship with Mikey. Fuck, he did not want any kind of longstanding relationship with anyone, but even if he had, he knew that Mikey was not the one.
But then one night after Babylon, that all changed. A blond twink with blue eyes, determination and big balls had wormed his way into his life, and yeah, he had to admit it finally, (if only to himself), into his heart. He knew he would always be there for Justin, and he realised, he wanted to be with Justin. So why did he always pretend otherwise? Brian Kinney was scared. Scared of rejection. There, he had admitted it!
Same reason he had pushed and pulled with Michael, and look where that had got them!
Brian had been protecting both Mikey and himself by refusing to do what would probably have happened naturally anyway, and they would probably have remained friends, who knows? However by doing so, he had managed to hurt one of the few, if not the only person he had never wanted to hurt. The question now was, if it happened now, would they be strong enough to weather the fall out that this could cause?
Their friendship could be stronger because of it, Mikey would be happy and yeah, he had to admit that HE would be happy too. Maybe it would bring them even closer together because Mikey would not be always wondering what being fucked by Brian was like, would not be thinking he was not worthy of Brian. And Brian would not feel guilty (yes he does feel guilt, he just rarely let anyone know about it) about constantly rejecting Michael and that itch would be finally scratched and laid to rest for both of them.
“Brian?”
“Yeah, Mikey, you alright?”
“Um, yeah I think so, you?”
Brian sits up and looks at Michael, sighs and nods.
“I think we need to finally finish this, we have been skirting round it for too long, but if we do, there can be no repeats and no regrets.”
Michael took a deep breath.
“Brian, you know how I feel about you, hell half of Pittsburgh knows how I feel about you!”
“I really thought for a long time that we would end up together, then Justin arrived on the scene and I was a shit to him because he got what I had always wanted. Even though I had met Ben I still wanted you. Lately though, I have realised that my feelings for you, although still there, are not the same as my feelings for Ben. I really love him, Brian, and I know he loves me.
Still I wonder and will always wonder what it would be like to be fucked by Brian Kinney. Shit, I am so tired of being one of the very few who have not known the pleasure of the legend. I think after all these years I should know, don’t you? I think we really need this, Brian, I know I do.”
“Knowing you and Ben have fucked, stirred up these feelings again. I wasn’t sure if it was because you had fucked him or because once again, here was someone who had had the pleasure of Brian Kinney. Someone I thought was all mine. I realised it was because Ben had been with you…and I still hadn’t. I think the time is right Brian, and I think you know it too. The time is right now!”
Brian was surprised and a little shocked at how forthright Michael had been. He was used to Michael stammering and making jokes to cover his true feelings. He realised that Michael was finally stating what he wanted without fear and with determination. Taking a deep breath he smiled.
“You’re right Michael, I do think that we should have dealt with this a long time ago, and yeah, I think I want this too.”
“ I agree the time is right, but if we do this there could be problems with Ben and Justin, I don’t want to lose Justin and I know you don’t want to lose Ben.”
“I know that, Brian, but we really need this to happen, and it has to happen, now!”
Brian looked at Michael and could see the determination and desire in his eyes.‘God, his eyes have always shown his feelings so well. I don’t want to see the hurt that I have put there so many times anymore.’
Brian sighed and whispered “OK, Michael.” Smiling and staring into Michael’s eyes, he leaned in and kissed him gently. Michael deepened the kiss and soon they were stretched out on the floor, with Brian laying on top of Michael.Brian wanted this to be special, Michael was not just a trick to him and he knew the feeling was reciprocated. A flicker of unease passed over him as he thought about how Justin would react, because he knew he would have to tell him. Justin would probably figure it out anyway, clever little twot. Forcing himself to worry about that later, he concentrated on making Michael, his Mikey, feel good and in turn he relaxed and gave in to his own desire.
Undressing each other fully, their passion increased. Brian kissed down Michael’s body, touching and kissing every area of skin, making Michael moan with each kiss. Michael let his hands roam over Brian’s back and relished the satin feel of the skin under his hands. The body he had craved for all of those years was now in his grasp, willingly given in an act of love and friendship. Various thoughts ran through Michaels head as he felt Brian moving closer to his groin and he shook his head to clear them away.
He wanted nothing to taint this experience, he wanted to remember it in its entirety, forever. He savoured each kiss and caress that Brian gave to him and hoped that Brian was receiving as much joy as he was.As Brian spread Michael’s legs wider to gain access to his hole, Michael gasped and thrust his body upwards . “Patience, Mikey.” Brian moved so he could lick and rim Michael, his love of this act ensuring maximum pleasure for them both.
Michael was now moaning and shouting Brian’s name continually. Brian’s fingers, now wet with lube, finally circled the prize, pressing gently at first and then a finger slid into Michael making him gasp again. “Ah Brian, so good, yes.” Brian pushed another finger in and scissored and twisted them inside Michael.
“Mikey, so tight, ah.”
“Now Brian, I need you now!”
Michael almost screamed , the passion so engulfed him.
“Soon Mikey.” Brian handed the condom to Mikey and looked into his eyes and smiled. He knelt up while Michael sheathed him, removed his fingers and positioned himself, pulling Michaels legs around his waist. Pushing in slowly, inch by inch until he was fully in he paused. Placing his hand over Michaels heart, he felt Michael push back so began to slowly and forcefully thrust in and out staring into Michaels eyes.“
Ah, Brian, harder, please, harder.”
Brian continued moving slowly, but firmly, watching the brown eyes turn darker with every thrust. Michael was now careering out of control and Brian could sense that he was close. Brian removed his hand from Michaels chest and grasped Michaels cock and began to pump it in time with his now increased thrusts.
“Ah Mikey, love you always have…”
Brian felt the cum over his fingers and allowed himself to come after a few more thrusts. He collapsed onto Michael who wrapped his arms round Brian tightly .
“Bri, thank you, I love you too, always will.
Ben had decided to surprise Michael at the store as he had finished up early at the college. Reaching the door he was surprised to find it locked. Peering in he could see nobody about although the lights were on. Figuring that Michael had just popped out for something he decides to go in and wait for him. Using the spare key he has, he enters the store. Walking towards the counter he hears a noise from the back and walking towards it hears Michaels voice.
“Michael, are you alright?”
Reaching the back room he is shocked to see Michael struggling to dress himself and Brian, also in a state of undress, uncharacteristically looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
“What the fuck is going on here?”
“Ben, it’s not what you think, please let me explain!” Michael is looking from Ben to Brian, a look of sheer horror on his face.
“Professor, listen to Michael, let him explain”
“You shut the fuck up, I don’t want to hear anything from you!” Ben glares at Brian and looks at Michael.
“Well, Michael explain, I’m listening.”
“Ben I…Ben I’m sorry, I was going to tell you I promise…”
“Tell me what…that you have been cheating on me…and with him?”
“How could you, I trusted you, even though I knew you had feelings for him, I never thought that you would betray me like this!”
Ben starts to walk away head down and fists clenched.
“Ben, please don’t walk away, let me explain…I have not been cheating on you…this…this thing with Brian…I…we…it just…”
“It just happened…is that what you are telling me?” Ben roared at Michael, unshed tears in his eyes.
“I can’t deal with this now, I will see you at home, later.”
And with that Ben storms out of the store.
Michael sinks to the floor, tears streaming down his face.
“I’ve lost him Brian, what am I gonna do?”
Brian, now fully dressed, takes Michael in his arms and hugs him.
“Michael, I don’t know how, but we will fix this, I promise.”
Brian has no idea how they will fix it, but he hopes they can…he had never seen Ben so hurt and angry before.
‘God, we really fucked things up and good.’
“I am so sorry Michael, I should never have let this happen.”
“Brian, it’s not just you, we both should have known better, I just wish…”
“I know Mikey, me too, me too.” Brian sighs heavily and stands, pulling Michael up with him.
Ben walked away from the store, angry thoughts swirling around his head. How could Michael have done this to him, to them? He’d thought that they had something special and that Michael’s feelings for Brian had receded. Brian had assured him, many times that he did not feel that way about Michael, they were just good friends. Huh, good friends, that’s a laugh! Ben could not stop thinking of all the times that Michael had left him to go to Brian, the lost dates, the broken appointments.
Had Michael been lying all of those times, cheating , and with Brian…the one man that Ben really felt threatened by, although he tried not to show it?
Slowing his steps now he had reached the park, he sat on an empty bench and put his head in his hands. Sighing heavily, he remembered Michael’s face when he had entered the back of the store. Michael had looked scared and upset. He knew Michael could not lie worth a damn. Ben thought about the hold that Brian had on Michael and had known all along that the feelings ran deep.
He had thought by allowing Michael the freedom to continue their close friendship, that things were slowly changing. Michael told him he loved him and showed it freely. After their false start it had seemed that Michael was growing in the way he handled things.
Lately, he had noticed that Michael was not running after Brian as much as he usually did. Oh he still called him and went round to Brian’s on odd evenings, but there had definitely been a reduction in the frequency that Brian’s name was mentioned, he had to admit that.
Knowing that Michael had been upset when he learned of Brian and his past, even though he had tried to hide it, Ben was now thinking that maybe it had been done in a fit of jealousy. Remembering the look on his face, Ben reconsidered what he had seen. There was no mistaking what had gone on before he had arrived at the store, he was sure of that. Ben now thought of how Brian had looked. The man had looked totally freaked, not a usual look for the great Kinney. He had actually looked tearful and scared…would not meet Ben’s eyes…something was not quite making sense here, Ben thought, leaning back on the bench. What was it Michael had said…it just happened .
Maybe…sighing again, Ben stood and began walking back to the store. He knew he could not wait for Michael to come home, he had to sort this out now.
Back at the store, Michael had calmed a little and Brian sighed.
“Don’t worry, Michael, Ben will be back, he really loves you, you know.”
“I thought so too, but after this I don’t know.” Michael said sadly.
Just then the door opened and Ben entered locking the door after him.
“Look, I don’t pretend to know what this is gonna mean to us all, but I love you Michael, you know that.”
Michael stared at Ben for a moment , then a big smile lit up his face and he ran to Ben and hugged him tightly.
“Ben, Ben! I am really so sorry!” “I was going to tell you, but I did not know how.”
Brian clears his throat and looks at Ben.
“ Look Ben, it really has just been this one time, I realised a lot of things today, mainly how badly I have made Michael feel over the years.
When he found out about us, I must admit I was worried because his feelings were hurt once again and it was my fault…again! I must admit I came here today to finally give him what he wanted and needed, what we both needed. I was almost sure that he would push me away out of self preservation but this thing between you and I seems to have given him the courage to take what he wanted. I think we both feel relieved that it is finally done, it was long overdue and although we love each other and always will, we are not in love with each other and we never would be.”
“Brian, I think I understand but I can’t say I am happy about it. I knew Michael had these feelings for you and you for him, I just never thought you would…that he…well you know. However, now that it has happened maybe you can both move on and still be the true friends that you are.
I more than anyone know how short life can be and to have regrets of time wasted or things unsaid or done is not the way to live life to the fullest.”
“Ben, always Zen Ben…you always seem to know just what to say. I know I always say sorry is bullshit…but this time I mean it when I say I’m sorry, really.”
“Zen Ben…is that how you see me?”Ben smiles and laughs out loud.
“Yeah…well.” Brian smirks and laughs as well.
“Ben, I am so sorry, you know I love you and I really would not do anything to hurt you but I know this thing between me and Brian has caused you and I a lot of stress and now I think we can just get on with our lives, me especially.”
“Michael, I know you love me and I think we will be just fine.”
Ben looks at Michael and they kiss. Ben looks at Brian worriedly.
“Brian, what about Justin, you will have to tell him, how do you think he will react?”
Pulling his lips into his mouth, Brian sighs deeply.
“I really don’t know, I suppose I will have to tell him but truthfully, I don’t know if I can.”
“Would it help if we were there when you tell him?”
“Maybe, I’m not sure. No, I think I have to do this myself.”
“Brian, we will be there if you need us to be, you know that, right?”
“Thanks, Mikey, Professor.”
Brian kisses Michael on the lips as usual and then surprisingly kisses Ben as well.
He then turns and leaves the store.
Heading home to the loft Brian is wondering how he is going to tell Justin or indeed if he can get away without saying anything at all. Of course that would be the better option but he knew he would not be able to hide it from Justin. He would be on to him in a flash, he knew that for sure. ‘
Suck it up, Kinney…you know you are gonna tell him so just get it over with.
” Reaching his building he enters the elevator, delaying his arrival for a short while. Standing at his door, he takes a few deep breaths and opens the door, resigned to his fate, whatever that will be.He looks around for Justin, the loft is silent.
He lets out a sigh of relief. Justin is not home yet. He can use the little time he has to think about what he will say.Moving towards the bedroom he undresses and gets into the shower. Memories of Justin and he taking their many showers together fill his mind. He feels his chest tighten, he can hardly breathe. ‘Fuck! Am I having a panic attack?
He struggles to take a few deep breaths, then he finds himself shaking and actually breaking down in tears. He slides down the shower wall holding his head in his hands. ‘
Well, no-one will be surprised, I fucked up again,as usual. Typical Brian Kinney they will say and who could blame them. I am so good at being that Brian Kinney, it’s just what they will expect anyway. But Justin, how will he feel, he has been so happy lately but he still has the occasional nightmare, I don’t want see him hurt anymore, FUCK!…I don’t think I can tell him, shit, what am I gonna do?’
Justin arrives home and opens the loft door.
“Brian, I’m home, sorry I am late.”
Dropping his bag and kicking off his shoes he walks further into the room looking for Brian. Hearing the shower he grins and starts taking his clothes off as he walks towards the bedroom. Opening the shower door he is shocked to see Brian on the floor, sobbing.
“Brian, whats wrong?”
He kneels down in front of Brian and takes him in his arms. Brian hugs him tightly but continues sobbing. Justin is getting scared now, Brian has never cried like this to his knowledge. Justin just holds him and whispers to him, telling him he is there and rubbing his back. Realising that the water is running cold, he stands and turns it off, reaching back down to Brian.
“Come on Brian, lets get dry at least, OK?”
He is relieved when Brian takes his hand and moves out of the shower. Taking a towel Justin quickly dries Brian off and hands him his robe. Drying himself quckly, he grabs another robe and faces Brian. Brian has stopped crying now and is just standing there, staring at the floor. He looks so dejected and lost that Justin feels tears threatening to fall.
“Brian…Brian…BRIAN!”
At the raised voice Brian looks up and Justin again takes him into his arms leading him to the bed. Helping Brian onto the bed, Justin spoons up to him holding him tightly and trying to soothe him as much as he can, wondering what the hell has happened. ‘
Christ, what the hell is going on, has something happened to Gusor Michael? Lindsay? Shit! I have never seen Brian like this, what the fuck is it?’
Feeling Brian sigh heavily he turns him around and looks at him. Touching his face softly he stares into Brian’s eyes. He sees the sadness there before Brian can get his walls up again . Taking a deep breath and trying to calm his fast beating heart he begins to speak.
“Brian, what is going on, what’s wrong, please tell me, you are scaring me so much. Please, you can tell me anything. Has something happened to Gus? Or Michael or Lindz, what the hell is it?”
Brian realises what Justin must have been thinking and struggles to answer.
“Shit, Justin, no, they are alright, it’s not them, OK?”
Brian’s voice is hoarse and cracks as he speaks. “I, I have to tell you something, I don’t think you will like it, but I know I have to tell you.”
“Fuck Brian, just tell me now,please, you are really scaring me now!”
Brian can feel Justin’s heartbeat along with his own and taking a couple of deep breaths looks at Justin.
“IsleptwithMichael!”
Closing his eyes and turning away from Justin, he curls up, hugging his knees...
Justin is shocked and surprised at what he has just heard but the overwhelming feeling he has is one of relief. Imagining all the horrible things he had thought when he found Brian in this state and not knowing what the hell had happened was almost worse than seeing Brian Kinney cry!
Justin gets off the bed and walks to the kitchen trying to hide the smile that is threatening to break into laughter. Going to the fridge he takes out two bottles of water. Placing them on the counter he leans against it and sighs then starts to laugh. Trying to disguise it with a cough he slides to the floor covering his mouth and putting his head on his knees.
Brian lifts his head when he feels Justin move off the bed and watches him move toward the kitchen. Seeing him take the water out he closes his eyes. Opening them again and seeing Justin on the floor, he moves off the bed and towards him. Seeing him shaking he runs to him and kneels on the floor in front of him.
“Justin, I’m sorry, so sorry, I, I really never meant to hurt you, I’m sorry!”
Justin looks up at Brian and is overcome with another fit of giggles.
“Brian, I am sorry, I just can’t deal at the moment, this is too…”
Collapsing into Brian’s arms he continues to laugh, tears streaming down his face. Brian is at first annoyed that Justin is laughing and then relieved at the fact. Slowly he begins to laugh as well, hugging Justin to him tightly.
Eventually the laughter subsides and they look into each others eyes and smile.
“I love you Brian Kinney, just don’t ever do that to me again!”
“You mean you are alright with what I did?”
“Brian, I know you and I know you love me, even if you can’t say it! You and Michael have been skirting around each other for years, it’s about time that this happened, I wondered if it ever would. I am not glad it happened but I am glad you cared enough to tell me, although I could have done without the drama!”
Smiling at Brian he stands up and pulls Brian up into another hug.
“Fuck, Sunshine, I always knew you were smart!”
“Brian Kinney so gives a damn!…I told you I was onto you and I meant it!”
Smiling down at Justin, Brian stares into his eyes and sees the love shining there. Never having had much use for religion, heaven or hell, he is surprised to find himself remembering a few words of an old Motown song.
‘…heaven must have sent you, into my arms!’
Kissing him slowly and sensually he realises just how thankful he is that he and Justin found each other that night outside Babylon.
End
By the way I got to the dentist on time yesterday...yaaaay me!
later x