for once ... don't get use to it.I don't think many actually still read this little old dusty blog of mine. The truth is I don't write in it for anyone but myself. I try not to make a habit of caring what others think of what I have to say or what I think or anything of that sort, but in light of this new year, I felt the need to purge some of these random thoughts with the world (not just my small, small inner circle) so that perhaps these few words of mine may reach someone ...
anyone, who maybe feels/thinks this way too.
Why am I explaining myself? Hmph ....
So, to get on with this, I have been thinking a lot. This past year has shed a ton of light on many things for me and to say that it has all been roses would be an outright lie. I have learned a lot about the world, and even more importantly, about myself. There are some things I can let go and others I simply can't. Some things are worth the battle and some need a white flag. I don't always know which is which, but I think that is all part of the process.
I'll be turning 25 this year. Being petty just isn't in my agenda.
I've lost friends, broken some hearts, fought some battles (both inner and outer), and it wasn't always pretty. I wasn't always proud of my actions and I would probably go back and change some things if I could. I wish I could say it could have been avoided, but somehow I don't think any of it could have. Things change, people change, situations warp ... it gets awfully difficult to decipher the line between who is right and who is wrong.
Does it matter in the end? When all is said and done ... does being right truly matter?
When all is said and done it can be said that both sides are probably both right and both wrong. In all matters, there many sides to the story and not all are favorable. Looking at things objectively when you are involved in any given situation is terribly difficult, if not impossible. This is something I've noticed recently.
In light of the past year and the current trials I have had to deal with I have realized a vital flaw in my personality. In times where things become too real ... too serious ... I become distant. I have always known that I have a bad habit of being unreachable at times, but there are times that I just can't deal with things that make life too real and I just retreat into myself. I do it with others -- I do it with myself. It is wrong. It is selfish.
Does it make me a bad person? I don't know ...
I think it makes me human.
I am not perfect. No one is. I don't mean to hurt anyone with this and I am trying in this new year to fix this awful flaw. I have noticed how many people I keep pushed back and it simply isn't healthy. I deeply care for these people, even if it does not show. I deeply care for myself, even if that does not show. So, in spite of the cliche' of making resolutions, this is more of a promise. I will try.
If I have hurt you -- I truly am sorry. Forgiveness isn't something I am looking for, but I never meant to hurt anyone.
This past year has been a whole mess of emotion. My health has been a mess, school has been rewarding, I have the love of my life, I have a bunch of amazing sisters who have been a blessing, work will no longer be an issue soon and I have a lot to be grateful for.
Okay ... I'm done for now. Maybe I'll go public again next year.
happy
drained