The Anti-Stamp Oath
Gashi soshite aisatsu, everyone, and welcome to Sasori's Rock. (Konnichiwa!) That was Takusan Kangae, my faithful muse. He is the inspirational being who gathers ideas for me to use in my novel and short stories and whispers them into my ear at night when I sleep. (Just like it says to do in the Muse Handbook. It's part of Greek mythology.) That's right. Today, Takusan Kangae- (That means "Many Ideas" in Japanese, in case you were wondering) -and I are going to have a little chat that I think is long overdue. (We are?) Hai. (I have a bad feeling about this...) Takusan, do you remember what you said in the entry right before we went to Mexico? (I don't know, let me check...hmm...okay, I found it. Which part?) Down at the bottom. (Right here?) Hai. Why don't you read it out loud for the benefit of our readers? (Sure. Hang on, let me go into transcript mode:)
TAK: Oh, right! I completely forgot to pack my stamp collection in my carry-on bag!
SAS: Takusan, why on Earth would you need to take your stamps with you on a plane ride?
TAK: Well, what if I get to sit next to somebody cute? Chicks like guys who collect stuff.
SAS: Yeah...Takusan, remind me that we need to have a little talk when we're done here.
(How was that?) Excellent. Know, tell me what's wrong with the above conversation. (Um...oh shoot, I was politically incorrect, wasn't I? I never should have used the word 'chicks'! I apoligize to any woman who might have been offended, and, uh, please don't sue me, I'm broke!) Takusan, calm down. It's not about political incorrectness, it's about the last line of the transcript. (You said 'yeah' instead of 'hai'?) *Sigh* No, Takusan. We never had the little talk. (Oh, that! Right. When are we going to have that talk, anyway?) I was thinking now would be a good time. (Now? You mean right now? While we're in the middle of a blog entry?) Hai, why not? (Um, okay...) Good. Now, what I wanted to talk to you about is the fact that you believe that women are attracted to men who collect things. (What about it?) I hate to tell you this, Takusan, but...girls, for the most part, are not impressed by stamps. (They...they aren't?) No. Oh, don't look at me that way! Sumimasen, but it's the truth! Do you want honesty, or do you want me to be nice and sugar-coat everything for you? (I like sugar.) *Sigh* Look, just do yourself and everyone else a favor and repeat after me: I, Takusan Kangae, muse to Sasori Katana... (I, Takusan Kangae, muse to Sasori Katana...) admit to myself... (admit to myself...) that most women do not find stamps to be exciting or interesting. (*Sigh* that most women do not find stamps to be exciting or interesting.) And I apologize to any woman... (And I apologize to any woman...) especially Josephine, the girl I sat next to on the flight to Monterrey... (especially Josephine, the really hot girl I sat next to on the flight to Monterrey...) *Glares at Takusan* (What? *grins innocently*) *Sigh* that I may have offended, bored, or frightened... (that I may have offended, bored, or frightened...) by talking about or displaying my stamp collection to. (by talking about or displaying my stamp collection to.) And I hereby swear... ("Hereby"? Who says "hereby"?) Takusan... (*Gulps* Uh, and I hereby swear...) never to do so again for as long as I live. (never to do so again for as long as I live.) Okay, you can stop repeating me now. (*Grumble grumble*) Oh, come on! It wasn't that bad! (Well...what if she asks me if I collect anything? Or if she starts talking about stuff she collects?) Then you can talk about it. (Woohoo! Thank Kami for loopholes!) Oh, shut up. You know, it's highly, highly unlikely that any girl is going to start talking about her rock collection or whatever, so you can pretty much forget it. (I once had a conversation with a girl who collects salt and pepper shakers.) Really? (Hai. Well, she was twelve years old...but she was still a girl!) You're impossible, you know that? Look, if you really want to get the girls, you should try gaining some culture. Join an art class, learn an instrument... that.kind of thing. (I can play the oboe.) I meant something more along the lines of drums or a guitar. (Oh. Well, your uncle Damon plays the guitar, right? Maybe I can get his muse to help me out.) See? Now you're getting the idea. I'm not saying that you're a total geek, I'm just trying to keep you from coming across that way to everyone else. (Um, arigatou. I think.) Good. I'm glad we had this little chat. Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I haven't eaten lunch yet and I'm going to go make myself a sandwich. We'll see you next time at Sasori's Rock! (Sayonara!)
(Is she gone? Good. *tiptoes over to the phone, checking over his shoulder* Let me see, what was the number? Ah, here it is... *beep bip beep beep bip beep beep* *briiing... briiing... briiing...*) (Hello, this is, like, Amarini Kawaii, can I help you?) (Hi, Amarini, it's Takusan Kangae.) (Takky? Oh my gawd, hi! I was just thinking about you!) (Really? Um, yeah...look, I was just calling to see if you wanted to, you know, get together sometime...if you're in the neighborhood, I mean. We could, um, see a movie or something, if you want.) (Wow, that would be, like, so totally awesome!) (Great! I mean, um, that's cool. Hey, I'm gonna learn to play the guitar...)
Aikou kara Sasori!