Under the Evil Wizard's Hat

d12
1. Extra brains in tapering elongated skull cone
2. Small sack strapped to head containing emergency ransom in gems
3. Is that a turban? No, it's a hive of highly aggressive stun bees
4. Another face that laughs hideously when revealed
5. Waving tendrils fully capable of spell casting functions when hands indisposed
6. 2d12 bats
7. Self-destruct mechanism
8. Shiny shaved pate inscribed with tattoo containing elaborate funerary instructions
9. Imp familiar meditating in lotus position
10. Coiled spitting cobra, inert until hat lifted
11. Huge third eye that projects ray of insanity and sees into other dimensions
12. Awesome hairdo

Freelance Dungeon Security

d12
1. Bored aristocrat, masked, eager to put to use life-long martial training while escaping arranged marriage, and loyal gang of expert big city cutthroats with names like Gutshank, Stompo and The Spleener
2. Ool-phla-ah the Slime Wizard and his Oozes for Every Occasion
3. Mr. and Mrs. Sphinx: professional treasure guards, impeccable attention to every detail, charmingly mated for (preternatural) life, annoying habit of destroying other dungeon monsters
4. Trantlebon the Necromancer provides precision infestations of warding ghosts
5. Dungeon fairies roam from hive to hive, monitoring dungeon events and calling forth mighty queen and attack drones from their encystment as needed
6. Tribe of impecunious man-apes aiming to improve the lot of their kind with a little hard currency, dubious morale in combat, but eager to please employers and unsurpassed in natural fawning sycophantry
7. Mind-eater and host of armed victims, essentially mindless but alert, fearless, ferocious thanks to surgical brain-dining
8. Koklar the jolly old demi-god, a relic of bygone days and long since believed destroyed, and host of loyal ninja-like warriors gifted with supernatural lifespans
9. Brotherhood of ogre monks: a real bargain as they refuse to draw pay and labor tirelessly, amassing number of kills required to advance in their order, once achieved they abandon their posts and return to temple
10. The world's stealthiest hill giant martial arts expert, a one-creature army
11. Exceedingly costly arcane system: floating eyeballs link to magic mouths and decorative enchanted sarcophagi that manufacture and store biomechanical wardens, released only at need
12. Ancient vampire with impressive resume and good number of half-vamp underlings give the appearance of competence while draining the wine cellar and embezzling as much as possible before moving on without giving notice

The Necromancer's Ultimate Ambition

d12
1. Reanimate sustainable population of prehistoric totalitarian state for use as pre-oppressed pawns in political struggle against new-fangled feudalism
2. Create new sentient ape species infused with soul-matter from departed geniuses for release into the wild
3. Harness soul-energies to power colossal mobile death-wave generator, perpetrate ultimate extortion on powers-that-be
4. Construct planes-faring vessel composed entirely of cadavers whose harnessed undead brains control ship's functions
5. Replicate afterlife conditions in hermetic under-zone for unspeakable experiments
6. Establish personal body-bank of spare parts harvested from the dead: alternate limbs, body plans designed for various usage
7. Cultivate undead plants that produce undead fruits and vegetables to sustain an orderly undead society
8. Bioengineer giant disembodied undead womb for revitalizing meditation/tissue restoration bath
9. Deploy multi-gigaton death ray bomb in order to give death the slip by killing everything at once, to be followed instantly by detonation of reanimation bomb
10. Complete assimilation of knowledge harvested from rejuvenated brains representing every known stage of human history, become world's preeminent smart guy
11. Purge the universe of twisted spirits through combination of liberal dispersal of psychotropic vapors and tedious but indispensable talking therapy
12. Dehydrated zombies in convenient capsule-form

Marks of Chaos 3: Ia!

d12
1. Body violently explodes and slowly reintegrates at random intervals
2. Extra-dimensional mouth contains d12 rather large tentacles
3. Changes form every d6 minutes (see subtable A)
4. Extra-sensory organs take up unused real estate on head: fleshy radar dishes, various antennae, less identifiable protuberances
5. Constantly fluctuating size/mass
6. New and different limbs growing in various stages of development
7. Thick viscous ichor perpetually streams from mouth, ears, nose, eyes
8. Deadly black radiations emanate from eyes
9. Speaks in several languages simultaneously on account of all the extra mouths
10. Body composed entirely of eyes of varied provenance
11. Huge horn-like growths adorn head (see subtable B)
12. Body composed of ever shifting multi-spectral light: hypnotic, may induce seizures

Subtable A: Changes in Form
d12
1-2 Giant brain w/spider legs
3-4 Levitating starfish w/single luminous eye
5-6 Housefly
7-8 Winged ape
9-10 Toga-clad youth of dazzling beauty, casting off golden light
11-12 Anthropomorphic red giant star

Subtable B: Head Adornments
1-2 Ram
3-4 Impala
5-6 Moose
7-8 Rhino
9-10 Stag beetle
11-12 Massive coral-like outcropping w/complete ecosystem

Marks of Chaos 2: Not So Subtle

d12
1. Tentacled lips
2. 1d10 extra digits per hand
3. Mustache of Chaos: several feet long on both sides, completely prehensile, form hand-shapes on ends
4. Blood bursts into flame upon contact with air
5. Poisonous body odor: quite lethal at point blank range
6. Absurdly over-developed musculature, exceedingly veiny and slick with perspiration
7. Body covered with innumerable sets of dragonfly wings: hovers at will
8. Three eyes, one each perceives past, present and future
9. Long-toed prehensile feet: custom footwear required
10. No neck: head levitates above body, capable of independent movement
11. Tapering cone of mist where legs should be
12. Half of body occupies alternate dimension at any given moment

Marks of Chaos 1: Subtle

d12
1. Eyes keep changing color
2. Needle-sharp body hair
3. Slightly peculiar body odor: not particularly offensive, just weird
4. Black blood
5. Exhales barely perceptible white smoke
6. Ice cold skin
7. Nails grow to sharp points if left untrimmed
8. Sheds tears of blood when so moved
9. Teeth made of flint: regular knapping required
10. Small additional mouth on end of tongue, capable of speech
11. Bat ears: hair-do can conceal, if desired
12. Dancing hair

Wandering Dungeon Jerks (Who Want to Join the Party)

d12
1. Potent magic user who treats everyone in possession of an even slightly less magnificent intellect with disdain and open contempt (favorite quip: "Idiots!")
2. Hyper-macho fighting man way over the acceptable hubris limit, absolutely cannot let stand any perceived slight, will undertake any challenge, preoccupied with mustachio-maintenance
3. Skillful, brazen thief practices pick-pocketry on party before disappearing into shadows only to keep reappearing, emits high pitched, tittering laughter
4. Big mouth warrior spews constant stream of braggadocio, reeks of cologne, wears sleeveless armor to show off rippling muscles (gymnasium rival of 2, above)
5. Treasure sack-laden servitor ape looking for work having just strangled former employer
6. Deposed monarch w/ever-shrinking cadre of loyalists looking to enhance war-chest, stickler for protocol, expects everyone to be constantly genuflecting, etc.
7. Former professional torturer turned dungeon raider, an able warrior who takes unseemly glee in carnage
8.  Kick ass princess with a sword, finally away from oppressive court life, won't listen to anyone about anything
9. Magnanimous Yotch, dungeon real estate agent, needs fresh bodyguards after professional mishap
10. Talking unicorn w/mood disorder on suicidal final war against evil
11. Paladin on perpetual crusade against even seemingly trivial transgressions (perfectly OK with murder hobo lifestyle, so long as the victims are demonstrably evil)
12. Bard

Patrons Now Hiring: Assassins

d12
1. Enterprising extra-dimensional visitor looking to replace ruling class with androids
2. Under-appreciated demigod needs a hero shortage so he can fill the gap w/own exploits
3. Super rich plutocrat would like extensive list of dissenting voices permanently silenced
4. Demon in guise as messianic prophet requires extermination of kings, queens, emirs, autocrats, popes, lords, presidents, etc. for proper chaos to ensue
5. Wealthy serial killer currently chained to dungeon wall hiring by proxy (extremely well-paid agents) to ensure completion of bucket list
6. Dragon seeks to employ super-assassin or team to whack rival dragon and retrieve favored items from hoard
7. Chief god of the pantheon needs illegitimate offspring out of the way before his celestial wife finds out the extent of his philandering
8. Sorcerer hopes to attain supremacy by annihilating competitors and ascertaining their secrets
9. Symbolic leader of anarchist insurgency thought to actually be secret cabal, now scattered to numerous wilderness hiding places: not a single one can be suffered to live
10. Charlatan high priest needs idle threats issued publicly as "unholy curse" cunningly carried out to avoid career-destroying humiliation
11. Star chamber of research sorcerers have cracked code that will abolish chaos from the universe and prevent destruction of the (campaign) world: they (and their work) must never be seen again
12. Prognostication indicates incredibly dire future should certain individuals not yet born attain adulthood: for the sake of the nation, their parents must die

Street Weirdos in the Big City

d12
1. Defrocked cleric of chaos w/tentacle beard rants and raves re: the end times (w/100% accuracy as it turns out)
2. The Outdoor Librarian: has books/scrolls/tablets/etchings/etc. on wide range of outré subjects stashed in nooks and crannies throughout city
3. Filthy, reeking, besotted ex-bard, knows a song on most every subject, lucid only for brief window each day
4. Huge ex-magic user, cast permanent enlarge on self before dedicating life to perpetual bender
5. The Human Pincushion: totally unharmed by slicing or stabbing attacks, likes to dare fighters to unarmored duels w/heavy wagering
6. High level pimp (ftr/mu/th), deranged on bad black lotus, on rampage of extreme random aggression
7. Man wearing armor made from street detritus wears stack of helms simultaneously, one of which is rather special
8. Former style consultant to the rich and famous gone psycho-killer using sewing needles dipped in nerve toxin
9. Ascetic panhandlers levitate in lotus position while calling out for alms telepathically
10. Emaciated ogre wearing false beard/heavy cloak to avoid detection sells items on blanket after secretly devouring former owners
11. Retired warrior of supreme talent renounced violence after religious awakening/mental breakdown, proselytizes to fighters relentlessly (if in any way wounded, goes completely berserk, killing everyone in sight with improvised weapons)
12. The Masked Agitator shrieks out anti-plutocratic screeds to all and sundry until city guard summoned, continues lecture while eviscerating pawns of the system then disappears into the night

Assassins for Hire

d12
1. Strangely long-limbed man in black wrappings: wrangler of deadly spiders and snakes
2. The world's most dangerous boy: ninja-like abilities, wisdom beyond his years, managed by evil stage father (semi-retired necromancer)
3. The Neck Snapper: heavily muscled thug with gargantuan hands and steel-trap mind
4. Master chef, creator of the most tempting, sophisticated and entirely deadly comestibles
5. Ascetic follower of the Black Pantheon, naked but for the briefest loinclout, expert practitioner of the Lethal Grasp
6. Dream shaman: coaxes living spirits into the shadow realm while they sleep, leaving a perfectly intact corpse with no discernible cause of death
7. Dandy, drunkard, raconteur, Lothario, unbelievable prodigy with the poisoned dart
8. Serial killer dedicated to self-mastery, highly talented but only 50% chance proposed victim will tickle fancy, otherwise will target potential employer at unspecified future time
9. Elaborately masked woman of delicate features and obvious refinement, extremely expensive: effects kills by entirely mysterious means
10. Master of 17 Weapons, never leaves home without genius weapons caddy/tactical advisor
11. Suspiciously tall-turbaned mental athlete with perpetually bugging eyes: kills using only mind, must focus on target for period of not less than one month
12. Stranglebeard the Hirsute Killer: gifted from birth w/fully animate (and freakishly copious) body hair

Eldritch Side-kicks

d12
1. Grim squire of the Anti-paladin: does most of his master's fighting with his mighty extensible barbed tentacles
2. High Priest's butler, unaffiliated with any religion, ready, willing and able to carry out Machiavellian imperatives behind the scenes
3. Youthful ward of the Masked Sorcerer, highly skilled in magically-assisted backstabbery
4. Dragon's attendant/bodyguard: bright young troll ruthlessly conditioned to respond instantly and decisively to widely varied sets of stimuli
5. Man-ape chief's pampered war-gorilla-on-a-leash
6. Junior associates of the lich: coven of extremely venerable magic users clinging so frail they must use magic for everything e.g. Tenser's Floating Hospital Bed
7. Wizard-king's faithful hound w/human head (harvested from deceased favored servant)
8. Vampire plutocrat's personal stylist/victim acquisition specialist: unpaid internship w/the possibility of full vampirization following probationary period
9. Master thief's squadron of imp associates, former servitors of evil wizard yielded to thief in extortion scheme
10. Dwarf lord's enlightened giant badger, eternally grateful for rescue from demon's menagerie
11. Demon prince never leaves home without infernally-engineered man-servant/scholar/master chef/omnilinguist/martial arts expert
12. Stalwart if otherwise nondescript man-at-arms, alerted to dangers and morale bolstered by ever-vigilant ghost parents

Dungeon Geniuses

d12
1. Telepathic giant spider with preternatural charm and persuasiveness: does what spiders do but with 100% cooperation from all fellow denizens subject to bamboozlement
2. Caveman who split the atom using only advanced mathematics of his own invention: hunted by sorcerers seeking to exploit talents
3. Stone giant sculptor of undeniable originality and talent, gallery after gallery of breathtaking non-representational works hewn from marble and granite
4. Dungeon pixie of exceptional intellect, arcane mastery equal to magic user of the highest order, has tiny spell book crammed full of unique spells
5. Man-ape with mutant cerebral development: covered vast cavern walls with incredibly elaborate pictographs of his Rube Goldberg machine-based technological breakthroughs, exiled from clan for aberrant nerdiness
6. Living vapor, coalesced just after the origin of the universe, currently incarcerated by wizard: 99% of knowing the answer to any given question, wants its freedom
7. Slug-man w/magically enhanced intelligence acts as oracle, using superior logic and reason to predict future outcomes with a high degree of reliability
8. Brilliantly insightful serpent man prophet spreads salvation with the swords of his disciples
9. Flesh golem with half a brain hemisphere online: now that its creator is dead, dedicated to elucidating the post-human condition through poetry
10. Giant siliconian worm: consumed crashed alien spacecraft and subsequently assimilated the knowledge of digested computer banks, loaded with cosmic wisdom
11. Escaped scholar/tutor lich, created by sorcerer as research assistant, now obsessed its own unfulfilled academic ambitions
12. Ogre that always wanted to be smart found ring w/three wishes, two remaining

Hireling Reactions 3: Massive Casualties

d12
1. Even grimmer determination
2. Buoyed by fatalistic mores, now more fatalistic than ever
3. Frankly, just happy to be alive
4. Steady, but makes note to renegotiate contract
5. Visibly shaken, sweaty, pale, +1 to future rolls
6. Alternately skittish and morose, given to speechifying on the senselessness of it all
7. Barely able to contain mounting urge to flee, "Game over, man!"
8. Bitter, issues scathing criticism of leadership
9. Uncontrollable outpouring of grief/horror w/much wailing and gnashing
10. Gives notice of immediate retirement, turns in crappy equipment given by PCs
11. Deserts at first opportunity
12. Total defiance, mutiny

Die modifiers:
+1 to roll if treated with typical disregard by employers
-1 to roll if mollified by inspirational oratory by charismatic PC

Hireling Reactions 2: Sudden Riches

d12
1. Suitably impressed w/employer's dungeon acumen: loyalty assured
2. Joyful, ebullient fist-pumping in expectation of juicy bonus
3. Selfless, dispassionate demeanor conceals dissatisfaction w/current contract
4. Visibly drooling w/enhanced avarice
5. Believes self deserving of magic item for troubles
6. Open grumbling about wages/risk ratio
7. Actively looking for opportunity to steal
8. Demands raise, discrete union talk w/fellow retainers
9. Feels it imperative to cancel the rest of the mission to assure safe return w/loot
10. Conspiratorial muttering and scheming, foments mutiny
11. Treasure fever: prepared to fight for fair share and then some
12. Murderous gold madness

Die modifiers:
+1 to roll if callously denied wage enhancement after striking it rich, ill treatment by employers
-1 to roll if contract clearly specifies payment terms in the event of heaps of treasure

Hireling Reactions 1: Mind-bending Terror

d12
1. Laughs heartily in the face of cosmic horror
2. Steady as she goes, admirably composed
3. Holding it together, but just barely
4. Bug-eyed and flabbergasted for 1d6 minutes
5. Brief loss of bodily function control
6. Senseless gibbering for 1d6 minutes
7. Slack-jawed catatonia for 1d6 minutes
8. Must be slapped to stop screaming
9. Bereft of reason for 1d6 minutes
10. Blind, unceasing flight toward familiar territory, will murder anyone in the way
11. Howling madness of the permanently disabling variety
12. Drops stone dead of fright

Die modifiers:
 +1 to roll if exposed to prior terrors, casualties, brazen meat-shielding of other hirelings
-1 to roll if equally terrified of employer, substantial bonus to wages offered

Automatic Evil Army Field Marshal Generator

Instructions: Roll once on each table below, rationalize results, savor fear in players' eyes.

Table A: Draft animal(s)
d12
1. Team of giant stag beetles
2. Giant tortoise outfitted for battle
3. Team of pterodactyls
4. Blind cave Walrus, tremendous, echolocation
5. War rhino
6. Tusked behemoth
7. Giant Stag, black, fire-breathing
8. Team of mule spiders
9. Team of stone boys
10. Demon yak
11. Team of huge warthogs
12. Team of lobotomized muscle dudes

Table B: Conveyance
d12
1. Combat sleigh
2. Battle cart
3. War wagon
4. Armored rickshaw
5. Chariot
6. Sledge
7. Siege tower
8. Train of war wagons
9. Tactical hover platform
10. Attack throne, wheeled
11. Land yacht
12. Panzerkampfwagen E-100, out of fuel

Table C: Rider
d12
1. Two-headed dwarf with lightning powered cat-o-nine tails
2. Praying mantis-man in space armor w/laser gun
3. Frost giant witch w/blazing war fork
4. Huge ape body w/surgically attached head of renowned weapons master
5. Man-shape composed of thousands of bats
6. Wizard brain encased in robot cuttlefish body
7. Four-armed troll in fireproof action suit
8. Impossibly muscled man, radar dish where head should be, rips men asunder w/bare hands
9. Wizard with giant mutant brain under anti-gravity dome to support soft tissue proliferation
10. Cluster of huge floating eyeballs connected by demi-material mist
11. Intelligent evil bear in high-collared cape, dinosaur skull helmet, power ring
12. Giant clockwork warrior in black armor controlled from within by world's most diabolically clever little girl

Talents on Loan from the Gods: Divine Spells

d12
1. Steely Countenance of Affirmation: morale booster
2. (Involuntary) Bonds of Brotherhood
3. Momentary Cosmic Awareness: requires hours long ritual w/accompanying bells and whistles
4. Rolling Fog Bank of Purification
5. Irresistible Rebuke of the Unclean: sends enemies of patron deity packing, alive or undead
6. Dispel Rage
7. Stupefying Oratory: renders those in earshot insensible, can be kept up as long as speaker's endurance holds out
8. Geyser of Faith: high-pressure jet of blessed fluid surges from the caster's mouth
9. Serenity Ball: glowing heart-shaped bead flies from the caster's hand, detonating at range in a spherical blast of good vibrations
10. Miracle (situational): circumstances dictate effects
11. Prophetic Slumber: provides subject w/oracular dreams
12. Raise Dead, fleeting: lasts 1d6 minutes

The Unexpected Dungeon Guest Star

d12
1. Evil warrior and equally wicked men-at-arms on quest to destroy highly desirable magic item
2. Honored sword master from famous school seeks duel worthy of expertise
3. Expert monster wrangler on dungeon safari to bring abominations back alive for roadside attraction
4. Halfling w/gambling addiction and overwhelming debt sneaking around looking for low-hanging fruit: has leads on several possibilities and would happily sucker PCs into doing dirty work
5. Concealed by full plate and closed helm, inhuman tries to pass as the paladin he just killed
6. Humanoid sports team fresh from victory and full of booze carouses w/gaggle of fans
7. Stone giant scholar researching pre-giant history w/bag full of rare books and scrolls
8. Weeping giant butterfly w/death's head markings on black wings: has laid eggs and now laments inevitable end
9. Half-deranged sorcerer polymorphed into cloud of fruit flies seeks arcane assistance
10. Ex-paramour of wealthy old vampire eager to aid would-be plunderers
11. Socially inept warrior w/2-handed sword just might come in handy if PCs tolerate non-stop barrage of insult comedy
12. The Singing Mummy

Weird Farmers

d12
1. Dunkel the dirt farmer's got a third eye that sees only the truth
2. Gurter the tiller has few friends, all of them rather credulous ghosts: he can convince them of just about anything
3. Ah-ah, feral master of the plum grove has a single incredibly strong arm growing out of the middle of his chest: he's killed several in arm-wrestling exhibitions
4. Zat the bat herder shares an uncanny bond with the creatures of the night
5. Y'ruk's turnip fields are guarded by huge black stag who may or may not actually breath fire
6. Bro Craglor's secret to bountiful harvests: surrounding fields with circle of gently killed pixies
7. Widowed Zondor Kroom's seven sons wear wraps to conceal their snake-beards
8. Awful Gonofle grows spell components on the side in exchange for zombie night-labor
9. Caloo Barleyfield murders wanderers and scatters their bodies in his fields to encourage swamp-ape soil fertilization
10. Ahkdar's fields go untended since the sinkhole opened up but he's jollier than ever
11. By some unknown innate power Yeeurg the root harvester can speak every known language + several unknown
12. Loaf Landus seems to sleep all day, yet somehow always has the best cart at market, rivals willing to pool their resources for assassination fees

Enchanted Conveniences of the Rich and Sorcerous

d12
1. Ever-full goblet of the finest hooch
2. Mind-controlled servants, lobotomized and reprogrammed for maximum efficiency
3. Eight-armed deep tissue massage therapist
4. Magic mouth w/wizard eye feature: automatic scroll & tome reader
5. Hovercouch
6. World's Most Fabulous Lavatory
7. Potion of rock-hard abs
8. Concubine teleportation system
9. Expert mani-pedi homunculi
10. Bottled water elemental health beverage
11. Perfectly-behaved, highly affectionate lap-demon
12. Ensorcelled hair-dos