Um, hello world.

So, back home for Thanksgiving break. I have to say it's really surreal to be home after three months. I had really become accustomed to my dorm being "home." But walking around the house now I'm just being reminded of living there, yet the thing is I know I won't be staying very long. All I know of this house is living in it, so to not be living in it is just strange.

There are a whole bunch of things about the house that are different. My sister has definitely become a fixture in the house. Things are more organized, her things are everywhere. It so strange. This house has never before had her in it for more than a month at a time, so to see her so settled in is just not right in my mind. She had already been moved out of the old house by the time we moved, so in this house I was, effectively, an only child - or something like that. But where she belongs, I almost feel I don't.

I think this might be because I did my crucial growing up without her there, so how we exist now - older, more mature women, instead of the little girls running around playing "My Little Pony" - just don't belong together in the same house. But this was my house. Up until three months ago.

I feel like I'm falling back into routine, but then there are things that remind me. Oh wait, my saddle and horse brushes are down in the basement, not at the barn like they would have been. Actually, I think that is the biggest clue that I'm not staying - even the fact that my room is essentially empty of my belongings. 

I've been realizing lately, while I've been going through some emotional exhaustion, how much being around horses helped my stress levels while going through high school. I'd go out to the barn in the next few days, to get a little of that healing energy, but I think I'm afraid that it will just make it hard for me going back to school.


Mmm. I suppose I knew I'd have to go through down times at some point. I was just hoping it wouldn't be so soon.

Well, yeah. So college has been going... well?

Grief that I thought was grief didn't end up being grief (funny how those things work out).

I'm not really in the mood for a real post so here's a meme I stole from marguerite_26

"Strike out those I've done" or What I've gotten up to in eighteen years...

1. Had beer
2. Smoked an entire cigarette
3. Smoked a cigar
4. Done drugs
5. Written on a bathroom wall
6. Read a George Orwell book
7. Had a physical fight
8. Used Twitter
9. Listened to Lady Gaga
10. Been in a car accident
11. Gotten suspended
12. Gotten expelled
13. Been allergic to something
14. Gotten a computer virus
15. Touched a real gun
16. Had a dog
17. Had a cat
18. Been pregnant
19. Camped out
20. Swam in the ocean
21. Worn a bikini
22. Driven a car
23. Been sent to the principal
24. Liked someone
25. Failed a class
26. Failed a test
27. Went to summer school
28. Got worse than a D
29. Read an entire book
30. Recorded my own music
31. Had an Xbox
32. Worn heels more than three days in a row
33. Worn fishnets
34. Worn skinny jeans
35. Been in love
36. Hated someone
37. Been cheated on
38. Cheated on someone
39. Did something sexual with someone of the same sex
40. Practiced Christianity
41. Worn makeup
42. Lied to my parents about where I was going
43. Had surgery
44. Had my license
45. Been to college or university
46. Graduated high school
47. Attempted suicide
48. Worn color contacts
49. Painted my nails black
50. Broken someone's heart
51. Had my heart broken
52. Cried for an hour straight
53. Lost something very valuable
54. Gotten separated from a parent as a kid
56. Gotten stung by a bee
57. Eaten something bad/expired
58. Threw up from being so drunk
59. Saw someone throw up from being so drunk
60. Danced with someone of the opposite sex
61. Owned an iPod
62. Owned an iPhone
63. Fell for a best friend
64. Stole a friend's significant other
65. Went far away from home for more than a week
66. Moved out
67. Ran away
68. Teased my brother/sister
69. Been to a hospital
70. Had food poisoning
71. Had a job
72. Been fired
73. Lied to a friend
74. Lied to a family member
75. Had a Facebook
76. Posted a video on YouTube
77. Started a rumor about someone
78. Talked bad about someone
79. Dropped out of school
80. Deliberately failed a test
81. Been skinny dipping
82. Counted to a million
83. Counted to a thousand
84. Eaten rabbit
85. Eaten duck
86. Had fast food
87. Been to church
88. Been to Canada
89. Been married
90. Had a divorce
91. Broken a glass
92. Hugged someone today
93. Texted someone today
94. Received  a phone call today
95. Threw something out the window
96. Ignored a text from someone on purpose
97. Had my feelings hurt by a friend and never told them
98. Wished I was somebody else
99. Gone on exchange
100. Gotten drunk and made out with a friend

With only three (this is debatable) before I shuffle off to school I realize that the only thing I've "packed" are some books that will be following me up north. My clothes are as they always are (in my closet/dresser/the floor) and not where they should be (various soft-sided bags perfect for stuffing in Father's X5 or Brother's car).

Other things that are not as they should be:

My bike after hours of fixing up is still not working properly. Well, the rear brakes are not working properly, everything else seems fine (a perpetual state of "Does that sound right? Oh well."). And I need new batteries for my lights. That too.

My textbooks remain unpurchased. I know what they are (and also regretting some class decisions now, but I shall suffer through them as I am wont to do, instead of altering my course list), and I know various places to get them (for cheap even! --well, the ones that are not actual textbooks but rather "required readings"). However, this calls for communication with my parents. And a severe lack of laziness (on my part)/ conflicting schedules (all parts). I would just order them, but there be address worries. I know which dorm residence hall I am living in, I suppose that would work for shipping address. Maybe. I'm probably just fretting about things that are actually very easy. It's just how I roll.

While thinking about packing, I realize there are things that I might be in need of, more underwear for one. Perhaps socks. 

Oh, here's and important one: NEW BANK ACCOUNT. 

Instead I'm fooling around on Doll Divine.

As I prepare for the next great stage in my life WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, OF COURSE IT'S NOT COLLEGE I realize that I am down to a month and most of a week.

What is this? Yeah, I'm kind of at the point of screaming. It's so close but so far away, yanno? Parents have been suffering through pointless rants of pointlessness that go around in circles and are pretty much a rehashing of anything I've ever said and or worried about ever. These rants are the first rants I've shared with the parents so they don't get to complain (neener neener). RL friends are being oddly hard to get in touch with, I'm thinking they have a sixth sense or something, which doesn't add up because I don't get like this. I'M THE REASONABLE ONE. Usually. This is probably why I've come to LJ with this instead of lurking as is my MO...

But here's things that need to be done in this month+week before I shuffle off to higher education.

• Store all my files for my new laptop. Sorry, Monster, I loved you while you worked, but I can't be shackled to my router via ethernet cable, it just doesn't work that way.
• Meet my roommate I find out who my roommate will be sometime next week. Which leads to...
• Re-learn how to interact with people I've never met before It's hard, I know
• Figure out exactly what I'll be taking with me to school I'm not much of a things person, but I feel the pressure to decorate my nook of the dorm with intensely personal things like interests besides fandom. I'M NOT SURE IF STUFF LIKE THIS EXISTS D: 
• There's more I just can't think of it.
• Oh yeah. I don't think I'll ever get through all the stuff at ae_matchThere's so much being posted every time I f5 What kind of people are you, people-who-can-write? And don't lie, this is completely related to college

And I'm spent.

Well, I suppose I had the coffee a few hours ago, but that doesn't change the fact that I am awake and unable to sleep. And redundant. It's a wonderful feeling I'll have you all know.

You see, when I get tired the crazies come out. No not the ones that meander up and down my street at night picking the cans out of my recycling bins. More of the insanely unfocused ramblings. It's intensified when I have company. It's then that my introvertedness goes away and I become this giggly, emotional mess. And really honest -- boy does that get awkward D:

I really shouldn't have figured out the pronounciation of ennui, because now I think of that word way too much and how I'm in a perpetual state of it when I have nothing going on (uh, duh?).

Yeah. Rambling. Alligator.

WTAF. Alligators? I think I'm crying a little on the inside. I'm also very grateful that the iPad is correcting my atrocious spelling. Really, typing on a large touch screen is perhaps more difficult than learning to type on the smaller iPhone/iTouch was. And my hand cramps more easily. It would be utterly ridiculous if you could see all the mistakes I'm making. It took me five tries to spell mistakes correctly. I'm failing at this you guys, me and technology ares just not working. At all. It'll hurt me eventually, brain me or something.

So.

I guess I've finally gotten around to making one of these things. It's nothing spectacular really; I tried all the time to make journals when I was younger, but how I wanted myself to be perceived changed so often I've abandoned more than I can remember.

I can't really say what will be the main focus of this journal. Maybe I'll use it as a diary. Or a place to post art (as soon as I find that godforsaken tablet). Or a place to write stories that will probably never be finished.

This hasn't been created with the intent of it becoming public to a whole lot of people, I can't really see how people would find this interesting. But only time will tell.