pixiebelle

So I spent almost all day Friday calling around for info on Medi-cal. Pardon my language, but it was a clusterfuck. The two numbers listed on the official site under "contact us" don't work. One says "I'm sorry, you're calling from outside our calling area. Goodbye." And the other says "The voicemail box you've reached is full. Goodbye." It's always that way. So I called around and lost half a day of work. I've been waiting for 3 months for anything from them.

Guess what came in the mail Friday afternoon? Yep, you guessed it... My Medi-cal card.

Though I still have to jump through a few more hoops because currently, I'm on regular Medi-cal and it's horrible. I can sign up for one of two health plans and get back into therapy.

I really needed to get this taken care of because I HAVE to see a dentist soon. The antibiotics barely touched the infection, and I'm already in pain again today. I'm pretty sure it's tied to my filling which now hurts too. I'll call tomorrow after work and see about the health plans and getting into a dentist.

Can I just say yay for Obamacare? And no, I don't want to debate this and yes, some states aren't as nice as California...and yes, it's a pain in the ass and Medi-cal still has a long way to go before it's perfect... But I have medical and dental insurance. I can see a dentist for the first time in years. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I seriously can't wait to see the dentist. I've always taken great care of my teeth, and to go this long without seeing a dentist bothers me. Plus, the pain I'm in right now makes it an even bigger priority.

As expected, super busy weekend. I'm nearly done with the memoir I'm editing. From there, I have a few articles and a novella to write before digging into two full- length novels.

The Lexapro continues to go well. I decided to take it at night instead of in the morning. It has been making me a little sleepy. And when I nap, I lose hours. Like I turn off alarms, think I'm awake and lose time, it's messed up.

We took Annabelle to the dog beach this morning. Got up bright and early to avoid traffic, and well, we weren't the only ones who thought that. She had a blast, as usual. The water was really nice. The beach is where the Santa Ana river meets the ocean, so there are sections without waves. Anytime we'd go too deep, Annabelle would bark at us. She thinks she has to save us from ourselves, it's too cute. At one point, she the sand crumpled under her feet, taking her down a slope into shallow water. She tried jumping up the slope, but didn't jump high enough... So she hung there for a second before jumping back down. She came down to where the slope wasn't as high and did it again. It's hard to describe, but she looked so goofy. We had a good laugh at the silly puppy.

Well now I'm just rambling, and I need to get to bed. Busy days ahead of me. Back to the bookstore tomorrow.

pixiebelle

Hey guys, thanks for the comments on my last entry (and to those who reached out to me elsewhere). I'm still alive, obviously. I'm looking into clinics I can go to, I need to anyway for a mouth infection I'm dealing with as well. But thanks for all your support. It means a lot.

I've been feeling under the weather lately, and honestly, I don't know why. Things aren't bad. I have three regular writing jobs plus the bookstore. I'm really busy, so that's stressful, but nothing I can't handle. Money is tight because of the vet bills, but the rent is paid and well, it could be worse, you know? It's been worse recently actually.

I really do need to get into my therapist soon, I just need Medi-cal to get their act together. I have a lot on my mind, just stuff I'm trying to figure out about life. I miss my family, wish I could afford to visit, and that weighs heavy on me heart right now.

They're going through hard times too. They're currently without water and they can't afford to fix the pump so they'll stay without water for a bit. This isn't the first time this has happened either. As a kid, the pump broke (they're on well water from living in the country) and I remember living without water for a bit. Not fun, as you can imagine.

I'm just tired of being poor... And not just me because hey, we're surviving. I'm tired of not being able to do more for my family. It's been my life goal to help them, to be the one pulling them out of the mess they're in, and I can't. It's why I studied what I did in college, so I could able to help them ( thinking I'd make a lot of money, but the economy crashed and let's face it... It's not my strong suit).

I just want to give my mom a good life, you know? That's all I've ever wanted. And I'm torn... Torn between doing what I want in life or doing what can help them. It's just a big mess in my head, and at the very least, I wish I could visit but I can't. My money is tied up in vet bills.

Speaking of which, Annabelle's liver enzymes are still high. They went up again. So more medicine (that's $45 for two weeks) and more testing, and yes, I'm freaking out because what if it is her liver giving out? I can't lose my baby. I also can't afford huge medical bills and again, I feel like a screwup for being broke.

And to top it all off, the dreaded mouth infection that has me in pretty awful pain and the chest pains now too. When it rains, it pours, huh?

Ultimately, I know everything will be okay. I just need something to go right. I have a few big things out there, waiting to see if anything comes from it. Three are jobs that would be a dream come true for me (and that I'm qualified for) and another is a piece I've pitched somewhere that has gotten decent editorial feedback (I submitted changes today). That'll pay well and would open some doors for me too. I'm really hoping that something, either one of these thing or something else, comes through for me because I need it right now. I've done well so far, but in order to build a better life, I need to take additional steps... And these opportunities would be a big step up (especially the three jobs. Bonus: one is with a dog-friendly company that would allow me to bring Annabelle to work with me). All of these are jobs I'd like and they're in writing or publishing. One is local (the dog friendly one) and the other two are not. But moving is an option, and it's a place Kevin and I would really enjoy moving to as well.

If they don't work out, I have my writing. I've been hired on to write for another site, and I have 3 novellas and 3 novels to ghostwrite for the same client I've been working with. They keep hiring me back, and it's my favorite job thus far, so I hope to continue with it for awhile.

But even so, my fingers are crossed that something comes from these other opportunities. We've been struggling for so long, it's about time something turns around for us. And these could be life- changing opportunities, so any good thoughts you have to spare would be greatly appreciated. I seriously need my luck to turn around. I'm putting myself out there and reaching for big things now, so hopefully it pays off.

Fingers crossed :)

As always, this entry was written from my phone. My computer isn't capable of running LJ without freaking out, so if it sounds clunky or a word doesn't make sense, that's why. It's also why I'm slow at responding to comments, it's not easy from my phone. I read entries almost every night, commenting is just a pain the ass. I need a new computer for my freelance work, but that's yet another item out of reach for me right now. Hopefully my my old laptop holds out for me a bit longer.

pixiebelle

I'm awake and I shouldn't be. I should be asleep right now, but my brain won't stop thinking long enough to fall back asleep so I'm here, hoping typing stuff out puts me in the right mindset to sleep.

Nothing is wrong or anything, sometimes my brain just moves so fast, I can't keep up. That's all.

So what's going on with me? I've fallen into a mega antisocial state right now. Kevin too. We are just enjoying huddling away from people, hiding away together in our little cave together. Nothing bad is happening, people just get on our nerves right now. We have patience for each other and our animals, but otherwise that's it.

It's not from anything bad exactly... We are stressed. We have some BIG things happening within the next few months. Stuff we aren't talking openly about yet, but it's on the horizon and it takes up a lot of mental energy at the moment.

We found that this week has been all about eating all the junk food we can and sleeping later than we should. It's been nice to just slip on a few things while we sort the other stuff out. Things with us couldn't be better. All these things have brought us closer together.

I've noticed that I've changed a lot in the last year. I've grown so much. I'm more confident, less whiny and less insecure. I'm happy with myself. My emotional roller coaster is pretty boring now. I tend to be pretty content and care less about what other people think. I'm just doing my own thing and I'm far less moody than before. It's nice to not being so emotional and insecure. It's nice being confident and okay with myself. I'm not sure why it happened... A combination of therapy and growing up, I suppose. I know I've been emotionally immature my entire life. It's something I've struggled with for years. But in the last year, I've become calmer, less up and downs in my mood. Even stuff that should get to me doesn't bother me for long, if at all. Don't get me wrong... I still get depressed about things ( mainly our financial situation but that would depress most people, I think ), but I'm able to handle the situation in a way that's much calmer than before. And I'm still mostly content and happy, able to just go with the flow and keep reminding myself that things will work out. On top of it all, I'm writing and doing things I may not have had the courage to do before.

I'm rambling, I know. But it's working. I'm starting to feel sleepy again. Now if I can keep Kevin from snoring long enough for me to fall asleep... That might be a miracle :p

pixiebelle

I've been slacking at life lately. And according to my therapist, I shouldn't feel bad about it this week. Since I've come back from vacation, I've been busy with some errands, but the rest of the time I've just wasted away.

But that's okay. I'll give myself until Monday. Let my face heal, get back into the swing of things and deal with the post-vacation blues that have hot me lately. That'll pass, my therapist agrees it will. I now have permission to be lazy and eat badly this week. Which I thought was bad since I did that last week on vacation, but getting back into RL after a vacation isn't easy, and dealing with other issues and being as physically hurt as I was, I just need to take it easy.

And I am. I wanted to write more about therapy but I think I'll get ready for bed in a bit.

My face still hurts. It's healing, but people at the dog park stopped and asked me what happened so it's still obvious. My lips hurt so badly, I can hardly stand it. My tooth still hurts too. But I'm slowly looking better.

I'll be visiting some of the L.A properties tomorrow. I love getting out of the office. My boss is driving, so no stress there except trying to make conversation (he's more socially awkward than I am. In fact, I'm the most talkative person in my office and that's sad because I tend to hate talking to people).

We are visiting two properties in the Watts neighborhood (BAD part of town. According to my boss, it's like the movie Training Day). The other property is in Hollywood. We won't make in time to tour the Compton property and leaving before we can visit the homeless housing I'm rather fond of for their dedication to the residents (and on the residents' enthusiasm for our programs, especially anything that teaches them to better themselves). I'm really looking forward to this. I like the idea of what I do, but I find the job itself mundane. Seeing the properties we serve and the people I'm helping could shine some light onto things.

Well I think I ought to head to bed. My cat isn't letting me sleep these days and I'm exhausted. I'm using the rest of the week as a vacation from my vacation and I'll be lazy without guilt until Monday. That makes me feel so much better about my bad eating and lack of motivation to do anything :)

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