pixiebelle

Hey guys, thanks for the comments on my last entry (and to those who reached out to me elsewhere). I'm still alive, obviously. I'm looking into clinics I can go to, I need to anyway for a mouth infection I'm dealing with as well. But thanks for all your support. It means a lot.

I've been feeling under the weather lately, and honestly, I don't know why. Things aren't bad. I have three regular writing jobs plus the bookstore. I'm really busy, so that's stressful, but nothing I can't handle. Money is tight because of the vet bills, but the rent is paid and well, it could be worse, you know? It's been worse recently actually.

I really do need to get into my therapist soon, I just need Medi-cal to get their act together. I have a lot on my mind, just stuff I'm trying to figure out about life. I miss my family, wish I could afford to visit, and that weighs heavy on me heart right now.

They're going through hard times too. They're currently without water and they can't afford to fix the pump so they'll stay without water for a bit. This isn't the first time this has happened either. As a kid, the pump broke (they're on well water from living in the country) and I remember living without water for a bit. Not fun, as you can imagine.

I'm just tired of being poor... And not just me because hey, we're surviving. I'm tired of not being able to do more for my family. It's been my life goal to help them, to be the one pulling them out of the mess they're in, and I can't. It's why I studied what I did in college, so I could able to help them ( thinking I'd make a lot of money, but the economy crashed and let's face it... It's not my strong suit).

I just want to give my mom a good life, you know? That's all I've ever wanted. And I'm torn... Torn between doing what I want in life or doing what can help them. It's just a big mess in my head, and at the very least, I wish I could visit but I can't. My money is tied up in vet bills.

Speaking of which, Annabelle's liver enzymes are still high. They went up again. So more medicine (that's $45 for two weeks) and more testing, and yes, I'm freaking out because what if it is her liver giving out? I can't lose my baby. I also can't afford huge medical bills and again, I feel like a screwup for being broke.

And to top it all off, the dreaded mouth infection that has me in pretty awful pain and the chest pains now too. When it rains, it pours, huh?

Ultimately, I know everything will be okay. I just need something to go right. I have a few big things out there, waiting to see if anything comes from it. Three are jobs that would be a dream come true for me (and that I'm qualified for) and another is a piece I've pitched somewhere that has gotten decent editorial feedback (I submitted changes today). That'll pay well and would open some doors for me too. I'm really hoping that something, either one of these thing or something else, comes through for me because I need it right now. I've done well so far, but in order to build a better life, I need to take additional steps... And these opportunities would be a big step up (especially the three jobs. Bonus: one is with a dog-friendly company that would allow me to bring Annabelle to work with me). All of these are jobs I'd like and they're in writing or publishing. One is local (the dog friendly one) and the other two are not. But moving is an option, and it's a place Kevin and I would really enjoy moving to as well.

If they don't work out, I have my writing. I've been hired on to write for another site, and I have 3 novellas and 3 novels to ghostwrite for the same client I've been working with. They keep hiring me back, and it's my favorite job thus far, so I hope to continue with it for awhile.

But even so, my fingers are crossed that something comes from these other opportunities. We've been struggling for so long, it's about time something turns around for us. And these could be life- changing opportunities, so any good thoughts you have to spare would be greatly appreciated. I seriously need my luck to turn around. I'm putting myself out there and reaching for big things now, so hopefully it pays off.

Fingers crossed :)

As always, this entry was written from my phone. My computer isn't capable of running LJ without freaking out, so if it sounds clunky or a word doesn't make sense, that's why. It's also why I'm slow at responding to comments, it's not easy from my phone. I read entries almost every night, commenting is just a pain the ass. I need a new computer for my freelance work, but that's yet another item out of reach for me right now. Hopefully my my old laptop holds out for me a bit longer.