When I was a kid, there was a local TV station – WNUV-54 – that would reliably broadcast schlocky movies on Saturday afternoons. I’m talkin’ Cannon Group, Golan-Globus and Dino Di Laurentiis productions, stuff like that.

This heady, B-grade brew is part of my Appendix N, presented in no particular order.

1. LEGEND (1985)

Ridley Scott’s very next movie after Blade Runner. Of course, I didn’t know who he was when I first saw Legend, when I was like, 6? 7? I couldn’t care less about the leads (played by Tom Cruise and Mia Sara), but holy shit, Tim Curry’s Lord of Darkness whips ass. All of Rob Bottin’s make-up work is great; I was terrified of Meg Mucklebones.

I much prefer the original cut with the Tangerine Dream soundtrack.

2. THE BEASTMASTER (1982)

The dirtbag cousin to Conan the Barbarian (and I mean that in the best way possible). Tanya Roberts provides some cheesecake, Rip Torn snarls his way through every scene, and some poor bastard gets melted by a mothman.

The sequels are all garbage though.

3. CLASH OF THE TITANS (1981)

This stands for movies with Ray Harryhausen effects in general. The Sinbad movies, Jason and the Argonauts, The Mysterious Island – they all hold up today. Harryhausen once said, “If you make things too real, sometimes you bring it down to the mundane.” Useful advice for the elf-game trade.

I would much rather watch this than the turgid remake from 2010.

4. KRULL (1983)

As a kid, I thought the glaive (what the movie called the five-bladed boomerang in Ken Marshall’s hand above) was rad as hell and wished it got used more.

5. CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) / CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984) / RED SONJA (1985)

John Milius is a maniac, but he understood the assignment. Basil Poledouris’ soundtrack goes so hard. The script is eminently quotable.

Conan the Destroyer is a weaker film, but in a way, it’s a good depiction of a D&D adventuring party and their shenanigans. My favorite bit of trivia about Destroyer is that Andre the Giant played the monster Dagoth.

I have heard that Red Sonja was supposed to be an official Conan sequel, but there were issues with the rights or whatever. So, Schwarzenegger’s character is not Conan, but he’s totally Conan.

6. THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER (1982)

A deep cut featuring one of the goofiest things you’ll ever see in a goofy genre – the Sky Sword, a sword with two extra blades that shoot off like guided missiles. Incredible.

I distinctly remember the bad guy’s creepy overly-long fingers.

What a time to be alive – you’d get up at 7 AM, watch cartoons for about 4, 4 and a half, hours straight. Then you’d just change the channel and watch dudes wreck other dudes with swords until your mom shooed you outside, where you’d reenact what you just watched with your friends.

Nostalgia is a helluva drug.