my nightmare last night
i was on the way to my first set of classes. i got lost on the way, somewhere in south campus. i asked a woman for directions, she was full of this beaming radiance and peace. She didn't know where my destination was, and went on to explain, "At this point of my life, I worry very little about age." But in my abrasive rashness, I said, "Yeah, OK!" and walked away in the middle of her narrative. As I tried to walk further, I became even more lost. When I recognized this and turned around, I saw this woman atop a building. She threw herself off. I realized this suicide and how I had been oblivious to her condition and was swarmed with a feeling of regret. As this happened a low pitched scream scooped to a high pitch (like man to woman) and at the highest register, I woke up.

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Today was a great day:

I woke up late :) I just lay in bed for a while and contemplated getting up. When I did, I loafed around for a bit and worked on my RA (I was suppposed to work today, which I technically did a lot! Just in a very brief amount of time, hehe). Then I was ravenous so I made some rice and put some steamed veggies on top and a fried egg on top of that. Then I poked the goo out and it saturated the veggies and the rice. It was delicious.

I did some shopping and found great deals on rice and beef. So I made this Persian stew: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fesenj%C4%81n which turned out delicious. NB: Their picture is considered a well done version. There's a secret art to making it turn black. I did better than usual this time around :D

After that, I met up with the guys to have a jammy jam. We practiced just a couple songs only me, drummer, and singer. Then the guitarist (who was skipping the last few jams to work on art posters and stuff) joined us. We finished one song, then he started jamming on this riff. I was like "that's cool!" and started playing with him. Then the drummer joined. And altogether, we played for about 30 minutes or more, completely improvised. These cool jazz sections, hard rock other times. It was great. Afterwards, we all hung out for another couple hours just talking about random stuff and funny stories.

Lastly, I met this girl Dida by Greenlake to go swimming. (I know 11:30, scandal!) But it was awesome! The water was pretty cold. There were some guys and really drunk girls there skinny dipping. There was a diving board. It was my first time diving off a board and it was such a thrilling feeling to stand and stare at the black water night and jump into it. The skyline reflected beautifully onto the water and the stars were out. It was a great time.

The problem was that I swam in my shorts so I didn't have dry clothes to change into. Unable to think of anything better, I just rode home in my underwear. It was only about two miles, but I know at least someone saw it. Yet no one said a word!

Now I'm here, 1:30, showered, and exhausted. Goodnight.

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No hi-watt amp humping tonight
It's Thursday. Typically, in Seattle, the weekends are my least favorite time. I fill the day with things that make me feel like it's been kind of productive, but in the end I'm always excited to go back to work. Perhaps my job now is a little bit too cushy. I love it. Some day I'll post pictures... but I have my own office (no window)! Just a stroll down the hall there is a break room which looks out over the sound. And the center has a really great / cheap cafe that plays classical music. It's very relaxing and calm, yet I get a lot of work done there.

I've been spending way too much time playing FFXII which isn't even a fantastic game (I lost touch with the story, the characters are all too flat / static). It's just this boredom obsession. I'm losing touch with other hobbies too like sketching and drawring. However music is alive and well.

I started playing with this band called the White Sound; they moved to Seattle from Boise. Their bassist was not serious about making it and didn't want to move. So they were looking for a new player and I took the ticket. To describe the music, there are a lot of influences from Pink Floyd, Tool, and Pearl Jam. At first I was tested because the guys are SOO annoyingly detail oriented about how things are played. In fact, there is no actual improvisation in any of the songs, a big departure from anything I've done before. We clashed heads a few times on how certain parts "should" or "should not" be played. Sometimes I felt frustrated and just wanted to walk away because it wasn't what I was expecting or wanted. But we sat down and honestly talked it out, I explained my feelings, then they mentioned a quote from Danny Carey (Tool's drummer) where he said (paraphrased), "I could just solo and play whatever I want in the moment, but when we record there are lots of small nuances. I hear them. And our audience hears them, and would like to hear them live. So I do it for them." I guess it just came to mean compromise to me. I swallowed my pride and deliberately took to learning all the songs note-by-note. Now that we're jamming, I'm having fun with it anyway and starting to catch those small nuances and enjoying it.

Next year in school is not looking as promising, I am considering the switch to PhD. I did really well on the theory exam, but it required a lot of stress and hard work. I'm hoping that I can match my performance last year sans stress. Just developing a work ethic and "battle stratagem" could help immensely. I think I should shell out the necessary green backs and get one of those fancy moleskine calendars for planning purposes.

I'm now so tired I could almost collapse and soundly sleep on my keyboard.

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let me just say a few things
I had never been the type of person to dwell on the past, but something in recent events has made the images of the past cascade before like a tweaked out projector. I have been trying to reconcile all my past relationship choices and how I've thought and felt in the past. I think about compatibility and the contacts that I've lost, I wonder if had history been different, would I have stayed with this person and prolonged an even worse problem? My better logic tells me yes, that every severed relationship or bitter ending has a moral that gets branded into us. Sometimes I'm horrified because I think about the things I'd said or done before then I see myself as a vicious monster. I can't even relate to the past me. I faced so much difficulty and strife in college, under the pressure to succeed and rise above, that it cost me dearly. As a result of my lifestyle, I felt like I abused those that truly loved me. It seems only fair that at this stage of life, I have encountered the exact opposite. There was someone inside of whom I saw a true inner struggle, similar to my own, and I was compelled to reach out to them. Over and over again, I was burned and my hand was bitten, but there was an inner drive and hope that once the inner struggle had ended, an outer peace would fall like snow and frost over the turbulent past. That hope was completely wrong. I now doubt that those with inner struggles can ever make important relationship connections. Those that deny it will continue through life and feel an inner mounting flame of angst. So the question is how do we resolve our inner issues? What about attraction? Personalities, sexuality, or what-have-you: Are we calibrated to attract ourselves to the right people? Sometimes those we perceive as outgoing and friendly have massive problems with self-esteem and assurance. Maybe those we perceive as calm and reflective are despondent and troubled. It's a never ending cycle of disappointment.

So what about my relationship status? Let me name the unnameable. I just broke a love which I felt was the closest to unconditional I have ever experienced. I didn't realize it was this way until the bond was severed. I wanted nothing except their presence and peace. I knew that what relationship we built had survived on patience and understanding; that I wanted to make habitual. Once this ended, I finally opened my mind to a world of doubt which had coalesced, unbeknown to me. So why do I regret? a) I deny the time and effort of this creation was for naught. b) I didn't have the chance to perfect things. c) I finally suspect I might be the problem, here.

As a result I have opened my mind. I know I desire a lover. For me, now, this person is like a confidant, one to whom I turn to abandon the pressures of school and life. I admit that this is selfish and convenient. I have no agenda for short or long term goals, but I'm prioritizing my immediate needs because I feel that unconditional love is tempered by the trials of coexistence. Maybe in the past, I was wrong to be specific in my hopes for the future. To seal a fate on that which is indeterminable is ironic and doomed for disappointment.

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DIGRESSION
me: oh hey what's the word for ridiculous that's something cockery?
Sent at 12:49 PM on Wednesday
Nait: cock-cockery?
i've only heard the word by itself
"what is all this cockery about?"
me: maybe that's right.
pop cockery.
poppy cock's counterpart pop cockery.
Nait: ass cockery?
me: jimminy crickery?
Nait: blood-wound stab-face?
me: Flappy Ahmadi McGoo

Nait is busy. You may be interrupting.

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whoa almost forgot food blorg
ok so two things have turned up which were delicious:

Turkish rice pilaf:
Saute onions in olive oil, add a bit of salt. Add a cup of orzo pasta. Add diced potatoes. Cook until they're tender and browned. Add a two and a half cups of water. Add a cup of rice. Add some chicken bullion. Cover and cook until rice forms thick solid chunky bottom.

Pork chops. Take pork chops and poke several times with a fork on both sides. Rub with salt and black and white peppers. Heat high intensity oil* in skillet, sear until center is firm and pulls apart like meat.

* high intensity oils are what i call oil substrates that can stand high heat. Examples are canola oil, ghee, pork fat, non virgin olive oil. Low intensity oils: sesame oil, chili oil, butter, and virgin olive oil. You can tell it's bad when it starts to smoke. Don't even keep the oil, get rid of it and start over-- it got too much heat, it's cancerous!

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warmth!!!
today has been fantastic. I rode home in the cool sunny weather in just a t-shirt. I felt so alive with the feeling of biking, just me and the things on my back. in the last descent toward my home i felt the cool air rushing by my arms and it reminded me of the feeling of coastal winds. It was truly fantastic and a great precedent to great things to come!

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Food blorg
lately I've been cooking a lot as a way of doing something non-school related. I've liked a lot of the recipes I've come up with and I want to keep track of them. So from now on if I do something that turns out well, I'll write it up here so I can get reproducible results. However! I don't mean to keep it just to myself, so if anyone else tries it, they should let me know how it turned out. Right o! Here goes:

2 cups white beans, cooked (slightly mashed)
1 roasted eggplant, mashed*
1 tomato, diced
1 bell pepper / 1 banana pepper, thinly sliced (depending on spicyness)
1/2 onion diced
leaves of basil, thinly sliced
some olive oil
some vinegar (balsamic)

mix everything together. salt/pepper 'til it tastes good.

* to roast an eggplant, quarter it lengthwise, drizzle with olive oil, bake/broil uncovered 'til skin starts to appear dry, then cover (e.g. tin foil) and continue baking for up to another hour (!!). Do not lose the precious juice that it gives off.

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saturday night fever
all alone in emerald city. room's freezing cold, so i cant just sleep and forget about it. played video games and made cookies, went for a walk in the park to shake the cabin fever. can't seem to get that complacent equilibrium on. writing mediocre music. didn't even get to washing a load of clothes. feeling distance in human relationships and ill prepared for school work. gotta make up for lost time in the next days, but when momentum is low, what's gonna be the catalyst? electric blanket is switched on and the space heater fan is numbing the silence. i think i'm ready to sleep.

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LULZ
Ahh, laughing.

I can't believe school is about to start again. Another couple days of sitting on my ass, well... truth be told I actually had homework over the break! It's almost done. And I was working anyway, so whatever haha... I guess it wasn't much of a break at whatever angle. But at least I'm ready to start sitting in a classroom again. I am excited for the next term, I suspect things will go a lot smoother in general, especially having been freed of the shackles of the witch of the waste. I am terribly out of shape though. Next term, I'm taking a bit lighter class load, so I hope to: get some exercise or something. Work on posture. Winter-proof my windows. Scrub the closet with bleach. Have guests for dinner. Finish watching planet earth. Arrange a couple outdoor hikes with friends. Find a group of musicians to perform with. Take up dancing. Purchase a new bed. Visit family. etc. etc. etc. etc.

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wild appetite
lately my appetite has been ferocious and i can't calm it down. At work I had a lot of noodles and lentil soup. Then I came home and tried to get my mind off dinner for a while. Then I had beef and potatoes and beans. Then some sweets. Two very large meals and a desert. I have been having a smaller breakfast lately. Is that the problem? Tomorrow I'll try to incorporate some fruit and stuff... see if that lowers my appetite later. Intevesting.

I haven't updated all this time. Well the quarter came to an end. I am still getting used to the new lingo. For instance, we don't take classes, no you say: we write a class. So I wrote three classes. No one says grades anymore either, it's marks. And my marks were all passing. The system had me a bit confused. The GPA system in portland is on a different scale, A grades are right censored, i.e. a GPA of 4.0 means you got 90% or higher in every class. Here, your mark represents the GPA contribution exactly, so 4.0 is 100% and 3.5 or thereabouts is a minimal A. By this standard, I "got As" in my classes, but the other thing about grad school is you don't pass the class unless you get a B or higher. And lots of students don't pass certain classes and have to retake them. I'm glad this wasn't the case. In fact, the supposed easiest class ended up being the hardest for me.

Next term, I'm dedicated to developing some better study habits. I found myself constantly feeling overworked and overwhelmed by the stuff that came at me. In retrospect, it wasn't that much. Additionally, I am dedicated to going to the gym 3x weekly. I think I feel better with exercise and these past weeks I've been especially lethargic which is finally taking it's toll on my level of energy. OH! Also I'm gonna try to perfect my sleeping structure. I dunno if I can get some ear plugs or something. But we live right by a busy road with busses and trucks that downshift or upshift for the hills. Also my downstairs roommate would have the Indian name: Types With A Passion (because I can hear him through the air vents!).

So these things are at hand.

Also I haven't mentioned that I bungled my RA work badly. My advisor turned out to be a manifestation of Snape ala Sorcerer's Stone (which I coincidentally read this quarter). The metaphor carries well: while not the bad guy, carries contention and prejudice. Or at least I feel it. Anyway, she demanded that I make up for lost hours by working another 40 hours after school ended. Not only that, but it's the most menial and terrible work imaginable. It's QA/QC and data entry. I have entered the most devilishly detailed information... right now, we have these day to day logs of senior citizens that I'm entering. It's terrible, we're talking about down to the 10 minutes where they were, whether someone near-by was smoking, if their windows were open. I practically went comatose today.

So "40 was my sentence" and tomorrow is my LASSSST DAAAY THEEEERE!!! I'm so excited I could... uh oh.

Also, major lolz on this one: outside my office is this box. No let me begin by saying that the building that I work in is swank. It's definitely built in the last 5 years. All the offices are security clearance. Hallways have modern carpet with nice lighting. And there are various clinics and nice things all throughout the bldg. So outside this one room is this disheveled little metal box. And... well actually I took a picture. This is what it says:

http://flickr.com/photos/48052019@N00/3101842868/

LOLcifer!!

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Back on the mother ship
It is definitely good to be back among friends and family here in sunny Portland. Sunny... indeed? I scrounged up a last minute greyhound ticket here and rode a nice 3.5 hours into town. The bus was not too crowded and it was a diverse group for sure! Tongans, Africans, Indians, Chinese... as a whitey I was minority on this bus. Anyway, I showed up and I met my dad downtown and I was overwhelmed with a sense of relaxation to be back here in this familiar place, with carpets and heat and cleanliness.

I chatted with my dad and grandma until midnight and we all crashed. The next day I took a shower and felt totally new and alive. Then met with my mom to go to Thanksgiving Dinner (more like lunch) with the rest of the family. We ate 'til stomachs were distended and saw slides from my cousin's trip to asia. He really got to see the world, and had beautiful shots of Vietnam with fishermen and orange sunsets over the water.

Then today has been all about catching up. friends family, things happen in our life and we don't realize what they are until they come out in everyday talk. We are a lot like frogs in pots of water where change only matters to us if it is distinct and instantaneous.

With a very vague and uninteresting entry, I bid adieu. Realize friend and kin that I intend on coming back and soon! I will see all of you then! Ciao

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Crisis or Victory?
Today was... a victory.

How did I celebrate?

With cake.

Does life rule?

You bet your ass.

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happy halloween foo's

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This weekend was poor and uneventful. I spent a ridiculous amount of time working on this one project and I'm still not sure whether it's satisfactory, the visual presentation is definitely lacking.

However, there was definitely a noteworthy event! We have this spider outside of our door, a large orbweaver type spider, definitely not something you'd like to wake next to. I caught a yellowjacket in my room under a cup and threw it into the web. The spider instantly went in for the kill, but the yellowjacket managed to escape. He cut out of the web and fell onto the porch. Given my cat like reflexes I scooped it up again in the cup and tossed it back into the fighting arena. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. They duked it out, fangs against stingers. Spider was victorious!! He wrapped that bee in his web while still alive and once it was bound injected the final blow of venom! The bee's legs quivered slightly in the moonlight. I don't smoke, but I wanted a cigarette when I watched the spider carry the corpse away and begin its feast.

Lastly, not using this LJ post as evidence, I would like a generalized census. Now, I want total honest from each responder, no holds barred... I won't judge you for what you say. Tell me, in your best opinion, if I write clearly. I have made a few slightly formalized arguments here before. Am I too wordy/verbose? Do I do too much hand waving is establishing my argument? Should I try to be more concise? Give more examples? Structure problems?

Anyway, it's appreciated. I have grown to value others' feedback because I would like to be able to communicate with others better. I think initially I was hesitant to accept it because I've only heard this complaint in the heat of an argument (and it's the sign of a bad debater to criticize one's ability in debate rather than their actual points)

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things i'd like to do numbered among plausible and implausible
short term: I would like to be confronted in a violent situation and beat the shit out of someone with nun chucks.

long term: I saw GWAR on Jerry Springer when they talked about violent music. It was a hilarious episode and GWAR did a good job. When asked if they felt they were spreading a violent message. They said it was more of a "violent massage" they were spreading. Pretty witty, I suspect it wasn't rehearsed. But now I'm thinking. What if there was such a thing as a violence massage? Where someone was effectively bludgeoned, but just before it did visible or permanent damage. I wonder if it would work it relieving deeper and more rooted stresses in the muscles.

long term: I'd like to own and operate a firm, consulting group, laboratory, or a think tank. Some third party entity which dabbles in highly valuable information. I'd like to get into the nitty gritty of wheeling and dealing in info and experimentation.

that's enough for now, I'm pretty exhausted. I'm not much for posting videos, generally... well maybe, but definitely not overwhelming. Anyway, enjoy this blast from the past!

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re:re:my religious steak. aka re: matt's bite of my steak.
To give perspective to the things I say, I'll talk about them how they've specifically applied to my quest in religion. First off, I've loved all religions initially because I felt like it was a place where people opened up. When people are in touch with their spirit they are generally happier, even the dreaded Catholic mass gave me a sense of inner peace as a child.

ON FAITH PROPHECY LOVE AND BELIEF:
I have been constantly pushed away from religions like an orphaned child because, despite my convictions, I do not profess beliefs. I think it's useless. What's worse, I think professing Faith is an excuse for lack of action therein. I never recited the Creed which, in unison, Catholics chant their belief in the set of principles. It's the act of saying, "I believe!!! I believe ___" and these words alone make one religious.

Baha'is said specifically in the writings that "Faith is fewness of words and abundance of deeds." This is profoundly my exact feelings. However, I have been told that there are indeed sets of principles which the Baha'is believe. So regardless of my love of the founders, or adherence to the writings, my disbelief in certain miracles of old nullify my status. Suddenly I have been clumped into the category of the "godless".

What you believe is uniquely expressed by how you act. A belief is worth less'n a sack'a beans if it doesn't change the way you live your life. I think these famous thinkers and philosophers have wasted so much time trying to prove prophecy. A prophet is someone whom you love... like agape love. If they establish a code of ethics, you obey it out of love of them.

I can't say that zealousness, fascism, and isolationism can be entirely chalked up to the individual believers. I believe in each religion, there are principles traced exactly to the sacred writings which enforce these principles in one way or another. This needs no explanation in the Islam case. And Baha'is, while they practice non-violence, eschew the "ungodly" (like I said, straight from the writings). Jesus lectured deeply on the kingdom of heaven which I feel isolated the "religion of politics", but in many ways I feel modern Christianity has become a religion about Jesus and not a religion of Jesus... in the same right, many of the purist Christian denominations have proclamation issues that I brought up before.

What this all makes me think is what's the point of religion at all? Isn't it possible to have a fulfilling relationship with God without the guise of a religion? Even more, is it possible to organize a union of people that just want the sense of community without the proclamation and proselytizing? Rikki left a comment about the UU church which I highly agree with.

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my problems with religions:
so i was thinking today that i have a big problem with religions in general. I'm just gonna list my thoughts straight down the row:

Firstly: I don't think miracles are sufficient proof of anyone's level of divinity/prophecy/spirituality. I believe that the inexplicable happens just because we don't have the language to describe it. The Biblical accounts happened several thousand years ago, back when people didn't know what a virus was, how the solar system was set up, or meteorology. Like certain scriptures, miracles have symbolic purposes. I don't believe in virgin birth. It was attributed to Jesus, Krishna, and Mithras but I believe "immaculate conception" may mean free of the desires of life and human selfishness and greed, referring to the power of mind and spirituality.

Secondly: By way of the first derivation, there is no criteria to say that someone is truly a prophet. Some people say Bob Marley is a prophet. I am sure that, proportional to the spread of the idea, there would be a rise in one's likelihood of accepting this as fact. People largely think in unison. I don't believe this is a bad thing, it's quite good in fact to coordinate and synchronize minds to work in parallel and achieve a greater outcome than one person is capable of (synergy). However, arts are mastered in propaganda and brainwash on all fronts. The most prevalent of these efforts have no humanitarian ethic. I am sickened by the amount of wasted thought in this political cohort. The time and energy we've wasted thus far could have dramatically increased quality of life world wide were we more focused. This is beside the point, but I think politics and religion are nearly one-in-the-same nowadays.

Thirdly: Although religions reflect levels of pluralism, no religion is truly pluralistic. Rather, every religion has within it a desire to either convert the world or destroy the infidels in one way or another. Even Baha'is who tout themselves as pluralistic have numerous writings which say "Treasure the companionship of the righteous and eschew all fellowship with the ungodly." (Hidden Words Persian III).

Fourthly: I believe all religions require the believer to attest that, from this religion, all truths are derived. For instance, one might say "theft is wrong because it says so in the Bible and this is supported by"... (logical argument why theft is wrong). Never is it the case one says, "theft is wrong because ... (logical argument) and this is supported by the Writings." Again I feel our lack of understanding is perpetuated by these beliefs. Now biologists look at this phenomenon called altruism which is present in even the ungodly (animals, fungus, and even bacteria) and it turns out there is a game to life and in the long run it works better to just get along. I think that humans were vicious creatures in prehistory and ones which lived violently and without regard or tact could never form societies or coalitions. Societies which lived by strict codes of these principles were even MORE likely to survive since the ideas were regarded and held therein. (read: Celic Law, Code of Hammurabai, etc.)

I guess I like my religion but if the believers are going to say that my not believing in the virgin birth makes me an unbeliever then so be it.

in other news school is insanely hard!!! Waaa I can't believe I've been working so hard and, compared to everyone else, I have a hardcore mediocre performance. I can't believe I had the ambitions of jumping up to the PhD program, now it looks like I'll be lucky to get the masters :( :(.

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DEAR LORD AUSTRIA IS HARDCORE!!!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7653063.stm

that is all :D

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now it's time for the funny image of the week!
( lady and gentleman, start your rockts!Collapse )

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