I haven't been posting much because I don't feel the urge to add to the numerous blog posts about the sucktacular economy. In light of a recent wave of non-friend and anonymous comments, I'd like to say a few things.

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tl;dr? We're out of work, broke, and exhausted. This makes me have little patience for people I don't know leaving condescending and/or rude comments because I am in the process of settling something with Their Online Friend. I'm pretty sure Jesus would not do that.

Dear Chase,

Thank you for charging me a $64.00 fee three days after going $4.62 overdrawn and two days after making a deposit to rectify that situation. You are doing your part to stimulate the economy!

No love,
Me

After I have burned my thumb (nothing serious, mostly the nerve endings all yelling "WHUT?" at me) because you decided to duck and bob as I was trying to get your freaking breakfast onto the table around you, please do not dawdle getting dressed and make "ehh" whining noises when I tell you what today's weather will be like so you can dress appropriately. I am going to put Solarcaine on my thumb now and if I come out to you still wearing your pajamas and reading instead of getting ready first, I will not be amused.

Sincerely,
The Management


P.S. Cat, I do not need you to be up my butt while I am hurrying around. You have 22 hours every day in which to to that. NOT NOW.

For a fleeting moment I knew what key my tinnitus[1] is in and bolted out into the living room to grab one of the electronic keyboards and a set of headphones to confirm it. Unfortunately Vogon was asleep and Laurel was watching TV, and its horizontal scan rate noise throws my perception. I am ready to unplug that irritation box. Vogon assures me LCD television sets do not make that noise (the one we own is in his study and not the living room), but the harmonic between the TV and my tinnitus has been annoying the crap out of me since I quit watching TV last month. DO NOT WANT that noise.

I'm going to hole up in the bedroom again with more soothing BBC World Service and get back to reading Oliver Sacks. I smile every time he references Jourdain and all the mentions of plasticity. Does neuroplasticity count as a fandom?

I am tired of the TV-noise and need to either cajole Vogon into enabling wireless connectivity or just run a network cable into the bedroom so I can have internets without the torture of TV-noise. I keep having good ideas spoiled by hearing the same few episodes of iCarly, Hannah Montana, and Wizards of Waverly Place. Sufficiently annoyed by TV-noise, I would happily beat up all of their casts and knock Billy Ray Cyrus about the head until he stops using that dreadful "kuntry" (misspelling intentional) dialect.

Good noise was on Selected Shorts this week, though; Percival Everett's "The Appropriation of Cultures" read by Ruben Santiago-Hudson. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. The next time I see the Confederate flag, I will hear the story's main character say "That's the black power flag, brothers."


1. If I heard a high A continuously as Schumann did late in life, I would sell everything I own for any medical intervention to make it stop.

Hey phoena, here's a story to add to treating everyone like criminals:

Today a fourth-grader used their younger sibling and a friend to create a distraction in our school's book fair while the kid tried to steal /eight/ books by slipping them into their backpack. The kid wasn't socioeconomically disadvantaged and is the offpsring of a juvenile court prosecutor. Think dad needs to put a healthy fear of breaking the law into the kid before they get beaten down for that kind of foolishness.

Among the new policies instituted as a result, jackets and backpacks must be left in the hallway outside the book fair room (or better yet, left in the classroom). I spent the rest of the day shivering without my hoodie to ward off the A/C's cold rays. Thanks, kid.

Dear inconsiderate dermoid cysts who keep parking illegally and blocking our assigned spaces:

1. I know you're taking your children to a home-based daycare. It's not so cold that you can't walk an extra 20 feet. I care that you park DAILY in a FIRE LANE. I care that your illegal parking blocks 3-6 residents' parking spaces, including both of ours. We have left you polite notes, we have talked to you in person, we have talked to the management who called the resident providing daycare and advised them that their customers must park in the guest spaces, yet you still don't care that you're inconveniencing other people and breaking the law at the same time. I know your vehicles' makes, models and license plate numbers. I have called the police to tow you, but they're busy with more serious crimes. You need to stop parking illegally here, 'cause I'm gonna start making sure you can't move that illegally parked car until the tow truck arrives. Bet that $200 ticket will hurt your wallet, "sister". (I am not your sister. My sisters live in Colorado. Also, every time you say "di'n't" I am laughing inside at you.)

2. No, I'm not going to listen to you when I catch you coming out to your car PARKED IN OUR SPACE and start taking photographs. You are not supposed to park in spaces not assigned to you. That is why we parked your car in and left our emergency flashers on. I will listen to your sob story and have the car parking you in moved. And when you say "God bless you" after all that, I am again laughing inside, this time because I am pretty sure your God did not tell you to park illegally.

Love,
Me.

The next time I call the Dallas Police to tow a certain car parked in the fire lane (again) and find myself in the "not my problem" call referral cycle, I will remain calm and get out the window chalk.

I will then go down to the offending car and write something filthy but not immediately offensive to the uneducated reader. So far, I have:
- fistula
- phimosis
- polyfecalia
- rectocele
- tophus
- volvulus

(Why didn't I take gross pathology again?)

Please help me translate this into stupid (or at least ghetto-speak, since that's what they yelled at me in):

If you know who illegally parked the black Ford Explorer, Texas license plate T26 SWX, to block in three parking spaces outside building X last night (February 6), please notify them that the parking for guests is just feet away in the uncovered parking spaces at the far ends of buildings X and Y. Additionally, the car alarm going off twice between 9 and 10 PM was extremely rude to the residents.

Unfortunately [complex name] is currently an on-call property with the towing company, so residents cannot call in illegally parked cars.

IF YOU DO NOT HAVE AN ASSIGNED PARKING SPACE, PARK IN THE UNCOVERED PARKING SPACES. PARKING IN A FIRE LANE IS ILLEGAL.

While I was leafleting my end of the building (the units closest to the illegally parked car), the too-lazy-to-park-legally women came out of an apartment and were making screechy-chick noises at the Post-It notes on their window (they said "If you park here illegally and your car alarm goes off after 9 PM again, we will fix it." and then at my window markering (wipes-off-easily Crayola Window Mega Markers) that said "I CAN'T PARK" on the driver's window and "DUI - CALL 911" on the back window. After they saw me and started yelling in my direction, I replied "Parking in a fire lane is illegal." and went back to what I was doing. They followed me and preschooler-sized kid with the women yelled at me "That's not nice!", to which I replied "Young man, I live here and pay for two covered parking spaces. No matter who you are, parking is NOT legal in the fire lane." and walked away. The women continued making annoying chick noise and I left them on the first floor yelling that they were calling the police to report me.

If they actually did (which I doubt), I've got 10 megapixel photos of their illegally parked car, two voicemails at the complex management office reporting the illegally parked car and the car alarm (also documented, hi neighbor dudes who saw me with my jammed snot gun!), and a logged call at the towing company when they told me management has to call in tow requests.

This is the second time I've logged this car/plate illegally parked in the fire lane outside our building. Next time I am not going to be nice. (If I had thought of it, I would have taken our battery jumper unit downstairs, started the Volvo and backed it into their car to match the rear-corner smashing on the side of the car opposite the Volvo. Never, ever park in a hoopty car 'cause the owner probably isn't above using it on your illegally parked car.)

edit 0247: It dawned on me that with the regularity that this particular vehicle sits in the fire lane (it usually idles with no-one in it during the day and only parks at night) and the associated noise they make that our neighbor is babysitting kids for the car's driver. I checked the state child care provider lookup and there are no listed (not inspected by the state), registered or licensed providers associated with our complex's address. I might mention that when I take photos with my complaint over the office in the morning.

I also think I have translated the notice for the next time:

Girlfriend, I aksed u before not to block in other people's wheels. If u don't got a crib in this hood, u gots ta park in a parking space that don't got a roof. Next time imma call the po-po on ya and dey'll jam u up.

(I did my best to channel every bit of slang I've heard on Law & Order reruns because I couldn't bring myself to watch MTV to get the lingo. It pains me just to type 'aksed', for crying out loud.)

What are tenants' rights when the hard-wired smoke alarms start going off repeatedly in the middle of the night and there's no response from the management or emergency maintenance requests?

They started going off for 2-3 seconds every few minutes (usually 3, has gone from 2 to 10) since 0215. None are in need of new backup batteries (and only the one(s) in need of a new battery beep when needed, and much less annoyingly than a full alarm), they're regularly dusted, and we haven't used the oven in a few days. It stopped after half an hour, then started AGAIN at 0815. Next time they start, I'm going to take the diagonal cutters and dike every last one of them out.

edit 0930: A maintenance guy showed up and reset each of the smoke detectors. It didn't make any difference, but at least he got an earful of the beeping every few minutes.

And Vogon informed me that diking them out would just make the whole system beep, so I am going to locate the speakers. And a hammer.

We had a reservation tonight at The Melting Pot in Addison. I'm not exactly sure what "reservation" actually means there, because we were there on time and sat at their bar for an hour before realizing we weren't going to be seated anytime soon. The point was driven home after they seated two parties that came in after us and did not have prior reservations. (Yes, I have good hearing.)

Vogon asked what I'd rather have and I said Clay Pit, because we've eaten there before and I know their food is good. Found out that in the evenings all their available parking is coned off for valet parking... by valets that made my skill at backing out of spaces look smokin' l33t. We won't be eating there again.

So we're back home and I'm waiting for the shows I wanted to watch tonight anyway to repeat -- Who Wants to Be A Superhero? in half an hour, Burn Notice in an hour and a half. Vogon suggested we try again tomorrow, but he's smoking paint chips if he thinks we have any chance of having a dinner out that we don't have to wear earplugs for on a Friday night.

Another year, another time he learns there's a reason why I suggest we go to IHOP when he says we can eat anywhere for my birthday. I like to eat at restaurants. Like at ones that actually have parking spaces and serve food.