I've killed a million petty souls, but I couldn't kill you
The above is the quote I have today on my IM's.
I encounter a strange situation now: I have been planning to make an update since Saturday, but haven't had time since. Since then, my general feeling has changed slightly, and as I see it as particularly important not to dwell, even on three-days-old feelings, I try to avoid returning into them as it might distabilize me.
I guess I'll just write about whatever comes to mind. If it comes to mind, it must be relevant.
So, right now... More than anything, I feel like a blank. I've been rather katatonic all through yesterday, and I seem to feel about the same today again. Don't feel very communicative. Don't feel much of anything. Even the heaving on my chest has been lightened, for most of the time. I try not to think about things that would make me feel all this pain again. I suspect this makes me not think at all.
Motivation has not been at its highest. I still feel like I'm being drawn rather than activating myself. Still working on inertia. I go where I am led, since there's really no place that I'd like to be.
Going to Salon Mazal has become unpleasant and distressing. Sitting there yesterday, I kept staring outside to make sure that he's not coming there (and this even though we divided the week between us). And every person I saw coming in, was him.
I need to get used to this. I don't want to lose this place and what it means to me. But it seems like it no longer functions in the same capacity. It was a pleasant place to sit, talk and meet good people. Now I fear that if I sit there too long, I'll encounter him. I did not feel safe there yesterday. I hardly talked.
And this fear of encountering him has been haunting me. I've been scared of using OkCupid. Even opening my homescreen and my mailbox has been distressing, since I keep fearing he will appear in the journals or the pictures. Two days ago, I wanted to check matches but was scared of seeing his profile again, so I went to "who's online". He was there.
I had to pass by his house yesterday to get to the optometrist.
I feel unsafe every morning when I go to work and every evening when I return from it since he lives so close.
And all this leads me to my next point: the two Klils that exist in my life right now.
The one is the one from above. The one I fear seeing. The one I don't want to talk to, don't want to see, whose existence I don't want to acknowledge. The one who hurt (and hurts) me, the one who thinks I am not who I am, the one who writes shit about me on his public profile. The one I am furious with, the one I don't want in my life.
And then, there's the one in my head. This is the one I am still in a relationship with. This is the one who loves me and appreciates me. The one who accepted my apology and is now working together with me to solve our problems. The one who has faith in me - in us, the one who wants to be with me, who understands me and forgives me.
I spent Sunday together with him, in my head. Every hour, I knew what we were doing. It was not similar to the day I actually had.
Dangerous.
Okay, lost ability to think now. I don't care to re-read all this right now for proofreading. Deal.
I encounter a strange situation now: I have been planning to make an update since Saturday, but haven't had time since. Since then, my general feeling has changed slightly, and as I see it as particularly important not to dwell, even on three-days-old feelings, I try to avoid returning into them as it might distabilize me.
I guess I'll just write about whatever comes to mind. If it comes to mind, it must be relevant.
So, right now... More than anything, I feel like a blank. I've been rather katatonic all through yesterday, and I seem to feel about the same today again. Don't feel very communicative. Don't feel much of anything. Even the heaving on my chest has been lightened, for most of the time. I try not to think about things that would make me feel all this pain again. I suspect this makes me not think at all.
Motivation has not been at its highest. I still feel like I'm being drawn rather than activating myself. Still working on inertia. I go where I am led, since there's really no place that I'd like to be.
Going to Salon Mazal has become unpleasant and distressing. Sitting there yesterday, I kept staring outside to make sure that he's not coming there (and this even though we divided the week between us). And every person I saw coming in, was him.
I need to get used to this. I don't want to lose this place and what it means to me. But it seems like it no longer functions in the same capacity. It was a pleasant place to sit, talk and meet good people. Now I fear that if I sit there too long, I'll encounter him. I did not feel safe there yesterday. I hardly talked.
And this fear of encountering him has been haunting me. I've been scared of using OkCupid. Even opening my homescreen and my mailbox has been distressing, since I keep fearing he will appear in the journals or the pictures. Two days ago, I wanted to check matches but was scared of seeing his profile again, so I went to "who's online". He was there.
I had to pass by his house yesterday to get to the optometrist.
I feel unsafe every morning when I go to work and every evening when I return from it since he lives so close.
And all this leads me to my next point: the two Klils that exist in my life right now.
The one is the one from above. The one I fear seeing. The one I don't want to talk to, don't want to see, whose existence I don't want to acknowledge. The one who hurt (and hurts) me, the one who thinks I am not who I am, the one who writes shit about me on his public profile. The one I am furious with, the one I don't want in my life.
And then, there's the one in my head. This is the one I am still in a relationship with. This is the one who loves me and appreciates me. The one who accepted my apology and is now working together with me to solve our problems. The one who has faith in me - in us, the one who wants to be with me, who understands me and forgives me.
I spent Sunday together with him, in my head. Every hour, I knew what we were doing. It was not similar to the day I actually had.
Dangerous.
Okay, lost ability to think now. I don't care to re-read all this right now for proofreading. Deal.