Happy birthday to me?
I feel mostly annoyed right now. Not quite sure why. Perhaps frustration of the fact that despite my decision to feel a little better today, I still feel like shit. Still feel like he's all around me. Still feel like he is missing from everywhere.
Along with that, though, is a constant relief that he isn't contacting me, since he's managed to hurt me so much during all the last times that I communicated with him. I truly do not need to be put down once again right now, and all the things that he said on that email two days ago are certainly not helping my feelings about my birthday right now. I keep struggling with the "go somewhere and die" notion reflected from his email and to counter it with something a little more optimstic. If it's any progress - in addition to being amazingly hurt, I am furious.
Not that that helps any.
Today is my first birthday in years, and perhaps in all my history, in which it hasn't rained. I'm trying to take this as a good sign, and yet when I try to think of fun things to do today, something nice to buy myself as a birthday present, something happy, I can think of nothing. Happy? What's that?
I thought of buying a CD, but there's no music which symbolizes happiness for me. Not as such. Thought maybe about HIM, because their music is pure fun, and perhaps I will buy it, but on the other hand, there's nothing really new about it.
Thought of buying chocolate, and I might... But, chocolate is not a real present to myself. I thought of going to sit in Salon Mazal, but then figured that I should probably avoid it at all cost today if I want to take no chances about seeing Klil.
I just want to enjoy myself... And I don't know how.
If only I could meet up with someone right now... Go and hang around King George, Alenby, whatever. Buy cheap useless junk in the marketplace, some shinies to make me feel better. But what shinies do I want? I can't think of anything that I truly want right now. At least, not anything that can be attained with money.
In Salon Mazal yesterday I saw Assaff, and he gave me the sweetest hug I'd received all week. I think he is the one person whom, although I am not at all close to, I really love and trust. I think I'll start seeing him more often now (especially now that I have more time). I actually started by inviting him to my birthday gathering today. If I see him today, I really want to thank him for that hug. It was the one best thing that happened to me yesterday.
Anyway, I have to decide what to do with myself now... I think the first step would be leaving the computer lab.
Cheers.
Along with that, though, is a constant relief that he isn't contacting me, since he's managed to hurt me so much during all the last times that I communicated with him. I truly do not need to be put down once again right now, and all the things that he said on that email two days ago are certainly not helping my feelings about my birthday right now. I keep struggling with the "go somewhere and die" notion reflected from his email and to counter it with something a little more optimstic. If it's any progress - in addition to being amazingly hurt, I am furious.
Not that that helps any.
Today is my first birthday in years, and perhaps in all my history, in which it hasn't rained. I'm trying to take this as a good sign, and yet when I try to think of fun things to do today, something nice to buy myself as a birthday present, something happy, I can think of nothing. Happy? What's that?
I thought of buying a CD, but there's no music which symbolizes happiness for me. Not as such. Thought maybe about HIM, because their music is pure fun, and perhaps I will buy it, but on the other hand, there's nothing really new about it.
Thought of buying chocolate, and I might... But, chocolate is not a real present to myself. I thought of going to sit in Salon Mazal, but then figured that I should probably avoid it at all cost today if I want to take no chances about seeing Klil.
I just want to enjoy myself... And I don't know how.
If only I could meet up with someone right now... Go and hang around King George, Alenby, whatever. Buy cheap useless junk in the marketplace, some shinies to make me feel better. But what shinies do I want? I can't think of anything that I truly want right now. At least, not anything that can be attained with money.
In Salon Mazal yesterday I saw Assaff, and he gave me the sweetest hug I'd received all week. I think he is the one person whom, although I am not at all close to, I really love and trust. I think I'll start seeing him more often now (especially now that I have more time). I actually started by inviting him to my birthday gathering today. If I see him today, I really want to thank him for that hug. It was the one best thing that happened to me yesterday.
Anyway, I have to decide what to do with myself now... I think the first step would be leaving the computer lab.
Cheers.