Y U DO DIS.

- - -

“Uh, hey. Kumadori?”

“Shhh~! Yoyoi~~! Just a minuuuute!”

Jyabura hesitantly stepped forward into the sennin’s room, wondering what he was doing that required him to be silent. Oddly enough, the giant pink hairball was on a Den-Den Mushi, which then said “Hello?”

Kumadori’s expression brightened as his call was answered. “Ah! Yes! Dr. Kevorkian?”

The Den-Den Mushi was suddenly swiped out of his hands by a rather perturbed Jyabura, disconnecting the call.

“YOYOOOI~~! Jyabura, how incredibly rude of you!! But I shall take—”

“Yeah yeah, you can do that later...” the man mumbled, sitting down cross legged on the tatami floorboard. “Now don’t take this wrong way, but aside from Kalifa, you’re the next womanly person that I know.”

Kumadori’s painted face wrinkled into one of confusion, confusion of if he should be rather insulted or complimented. Manly men were not womanly! Manly men are MANLY. LIONS ARE MANLY. So this would be an insult. Before he could even open his mouth to respond, Jyabura continued on, looking rather uncomfortable and awkward.

“So, er- well… earlier today...—”

The insult had suddenly dropped out of the hermit’s mind. “Yoyoi~! That you’re expectiiiiing?”

Jyabura’s jaw hit the floor. “H-how do you—!?”

“Fukurou stopped by eaaarlier and toooold me! Then the clerks at the front desk were taaaalking about iiit, aloooong with the cafeteria workeeers. A couple of the mariiiines that are taaaking base outsiiide and it was annoooounced on Oprah earlieeeer. …Are you feeling alright, Jyabura? You look sickly!”

After piecing together his sanity and ability to think as his dignity and pride remained in shattered pieces on the floor, Fukurou was added to Jyabura’s ‘Who To Kill Next’ mental list. A hand went down his miserable facial expression as he tried to hold back an oncoming migraine.

“Yeah… anyway, I… well, you probably don’t either— but... I know nothing of child care. Nothing. And so- …Why are you staring at me like that?!”

The sounds of a kotsuzumi were suddenly audible, as the sennin struck his arms into a mie pose.
“I am honored that you have come to meeee for advice~~! I will do my best to inform yooooou~~!”

 “Nnngh…” mumbled Jyabura, slumping over. That Dr. Kevorkian fellow didn’t seem like such a bad guy to talk to right now.

- - -

“Just what in the hell are you doing?”

“Yoyoooi~! Hold on, please~”

Of all places to start with, they were in the kitchen, with Kumadori’s back turned to him as he fiddled with something on the counter, his massive hair blocking Jyabura’s view.

“Yoyoi~!” beamed Kumadori, turning back around and handing Jyabura a blanketed bundle. “Here’s your baby~!”

“…Kumadori?”

“Yes?”

“This is a zucchini.”

“No, it’s your child!”

“It’s a fucking zucchini. Wrapped in a BLANKET.”

The kotsuzumi noise returned, as Jyabura’s head whipped around the room, trying to figure out where the blasted noise was coming from.

“This shall be our fiiiiirst lesson toooo start with~!! Never use such vulgar language in front of a child~!” lectured Kumadori, pointing to the vegetable.

“IT’S A ZUCCHINI!!!”

A frown arched across Kumadori’s face, just giving Jyabura a semi-cold glare, and then received a groan in response as he threw his arms up in defeat.

“FINE, It’s my kid! ...Well, one of them… but I am NOT going to be walking around carrying this thing all day!”

“You’re going to have to eventually.”

“And unless I had gone at it with a salad bowl, I will eventually NOT BE CARRYING AROUND A ZUCCHINI.” growled Jyabura, mindlessly swinging the helpless zucchini around with one hand.

No matter how frustrating one can be, after years of training to become a sennin, Kumadori had learned to be patient and to never be annoyed with one’s temper, but Jyabura might be awarded by being the first person to actually break that barrier.

“Remember, this is oooonly for practice…” which was followed by “Now you need to naaaame your child!” in a much brighter tone.

“…I am not naming a zucchini.”

“Jyabura—”

“Don’t start that again!” snapped Jyabura, as he turned his head to give his veggie child a long, dull stare. What kind of name do you give to a zucchini..?

“…Bertha.”

“How rude of you to give your son a giiiiirl’s name, Jyabura!”

Jyabura raised an eyebrow. “Wha? How was I…!? Ugh, never mind!”

So this was a boy zucchini. Of course none of his future children would be capable of being grown in a garden, and as much as the mere thought of it terrified him, he is going to have to name his little spawnlings. Jyabura’s eyebrows lowered in concentration as he studied the overall look of the gender confused plant. He wasn’t the best at coming up with names…

“Well?”

“It…” he began, giving the vegetable one last look. “I mean- he, looks like a Stan.”

“Stan~!” chimed Kumadori as he clapped his hands together. “What a wonderful name~~!”

Just as the ultrasound still-out had done before, Stan also now stared back at Jyabura. The wolf zoan frowned and turned his head away from the plant, ignoring its nonexistent mocking. He was carrying a litter of children and was now the surrogate mother to a zucchini named Stan. At that moment, somewhere out in space on a planet called the Moon Fairy Vearth, Eneru was laughing hysterically.

- - -

After all the ruckus that he went through because of Jyabura, Kaku didn’t realize that he hadn’t eaten yet. He didn’t feel all that hungry, but then again, if you do not feed yourself, you will die. A snack would due for now.

Kaku made his way down to the kitchen, going over to various cabinets and drawers to take out the utensils and dishes that he’d need. This wasn’t due to his giraffe instincts, but a salad sounded good to him. It was a light, non-fattening meal that would satisfy him for a while, and not to mention that they are delicious too. Right as he turned to head for the enormous fridge, he spotted something on the counter, raised a brow and out of curiosity, walked over to the mystery object. It was a zucchini.

“Hmm… I wonder why it’s in a blanket…” Kaku thought out loud, holding it up for inspection. “Oh well.”

About ten minutes of chopping and preparing later, Kaku’s afternoon snack was finally ready and looked absolutely delicious. Little did Kaku know that two certain people had stepped into the room, and were now close enough to him to see the scene of the crime. When he turned around with his dish, there stood Kumadori looking absolutely mortified with his mouth gaped open and eyes watering, and Jyabura, who attempted to look at least a little upset but failed.

“Um… is… something wrong..?”

“You…” was all that Kumadori managed to sputter out, but then went to a complete hysterical kabuki break down. “HOW COULD YOU, KAKU!?”

Kaku stepped back in surprise, setting his dish back down on the counter. “What are you talking about, Kumadori?”

Unfortunately none of that had reached to the wailing sennin who had now fallen to his knees, spouting out shrieks of how he was careless for leaving the child behind, how he should take full responsibility for this tragic incident, and something about the play titled ‘Spring of Eternal Love’.

Leaving the hermit to sulk on the floor, Jyabura wandered over to the speechless agent and stared at him to the point that Kaku couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not.

“You chopped up and killed Stan.” he said flatly.

“Stan..?”

“Yes, Stan.”

Jyabura then paused after his statement, and gave Kaku an uncharacteristic pat on the shoulder. “Thank you.” he muttered, relieved, and then walked out of the kitchen leaving the screaming Kumadori and horribly confused Kaku behind.