Good morning! How are you?

I’d like to talk about keynotes, again. You know, one of my favorite subjects. I’ve been watching them intently for the past few years just hoping that we’re going to see something different. As a technical analyst and practitioner I love to see and hear the details behind the technology that drive the way our IT companies develop. Yet every year I feel more and more disappointed by the way that keynotes take everything and push it into the stratosphere to get an 80,000 foot view of the technology. It’s almost like the keynotes aren’t written for practitioners. Why? The answer lies in the statement at the top of this post.

Perfunctory Performances

When most people ask someone how their day is going they’re not actually looking for a real response. They most certainly aren’t asking for details on how exactly the person’s day is going. They’re usually looking for one of two things:

1. It’s going great.
2. It could be better.

Any more than that drags someone down into a conversation that they don’t want to have. Asking someone about their day is a polite way of acknowledging them and making a bit of small talk. The person asking the question almost always doesn’t care. Think back to a time when you asked that question and someone unloaded on you with all their issues like a car acting up or a baby that wouldn’t sleep through the night. Did you actually want to know that? Or were you really trying to avoid awkward silence during a transaction?

That same rule applies to a keynote address. CEOs and leaders have a ton of information they would like to share with the world. They want to talk about their advantages and their investments and how they plan on being the best company in the market next quarter. However, the audience is like the above example. They don’t care about the details in the answer. They really only want to hear two things:

1. The company is doing great.
2. We made some stuff that will make us better.

That’s it. That’s the only two things you need to say during a keynote to keep the audience happy. Boil every keynote you’ve ever watched down to the minimum and you’ll see that right there. Even when the company hasn’t been doing so well it’s always framed as a path to getting better. If the company doesn’t have something super exciting to show you they’ll either dress up something they’ve have for a while or talk about new partnerships that will deliver The Thing that everyone wants to hear about.

You may think to yourself that this is silly. You are the one that wants to hear about the technical implementation details and the integrations. You want to understand how this fancy new AI/ML/VR/AR/OMG/WTF implementation works. I’m right there with you, friend. But I have some bad news for you. We aren’t the audience for a keynote.

Audience Participation

Who is the audience for a keynote? It’s an easy question to answer for any company anywhere. Just look at who i sitting in the front section in the middle of the room. Keynotes are designed to appeal to exactly two groups of people, not counting company employees:

1. Investors
2. Analysts

That’s it. The peanut gallery behind that section couldn’t matter any less. Sure, they’ll clap when some new announcement gets made. Or they’ll enjoy the slick video that has been put together by the marketing team. Unless the company is trying to set some kind of tone with a huge audience those people behind the investors and analysts might as well not even exist. You want proof? Why is the Steve Jobs Theater at Apple’s HQ only a 1,000 seat room? Even with millions of Apple fans out there? Because they only care about analysts and investors. Just like every other company.

When you realize this fact you note why keynotes are structured the way they are. Investors only want to hear the company is doing well. Their investment is protected and they will make money. How? With these new things we’re going to show you. Likewise, analysts like hearing the company isn’t going to go out of business next quarter but it’s the tech that gets them excited. But analysts are usually specialized enough that they only care about two or three things in a big keynote. They’re more likely to want to pull someone aside and ask them more in-depth stuff after the big show as opposed to getting all the big details on stage when they’re having a hard time keeping up with the announcements anyway.

Tom’s Take

Because these two groups only want to hear those two specific kinds of answers that’s all the keynote is going to provide. It’s just like someone asking how your day is going. Once you know they don’t really care to hear any of the details you start answering with simple statements designed to mollify them and no more. Why bother making someone uncomfortable with the details when they don’t really want to know them anyway? Better to just stick to the script and keep them happy. Honestly, I’m at the point where I realize that keynotes aren’t made for me. I’d rather find the time to talk to someone in the hallway later to learn the real details as opposed to the choreographed performance for the audience in the front row. Maybe then they’ll tell me how their day is actually going.