As Dan’s search led them from Baltimore to Orlando, Barbara never questioned her decision or the reason for her trust…
This Valentine’s Day, let’s celebrate at Vintage Disney World with some Vintage Disney Adults!
Background: …Ok, I was disappointed to discover this was a very-standard 1980s category romance that is not actually about pioneering Disney Adults finding love at EPCOT Center as the cover seems to promise.
This is an all-time best cover, as our romantic couple appears in ever-decreasing triplicate, surrounded by a montage of Spaceship Earth, the Monorail, Cinderella’s Castle, Magic Space Mountain and some sort of water-feature. It looks like a Pan Am poster that is promising to fly you right into the subconscious of an 8-year-old in 1986.
Why does this exist???? I HAVE THEORIES. Disney was getting kind of weird with their intellectual property in the post-Walt, pre-Eisner era, and in the first part of the 1980s, even the officially licensed toys could be kind of off-looking. This was the era of The Black Hole, The Black Cauldron and regular theatrical re-releases of Song of the South (aside: I feel like this may be the true delineation between the end of Gen X and the start of the Millennials. Did your parents take you to see Song of the South like it was NBD…? But I digress.)
I am not an expert on Harlequin Romances, but it is my understanding that the Canadian company had contracted with British publisher Mills & Boon to reprint their paperback romances in North America; hence, for most of the 20th century the stories were set in the United Kingdom. Not until the early 1980s did Harlequin start publishing imprints that focused on American-set stories. The different imprints also had different guidelines for details like how explicit that love scenes could be (I have it on good authority that the Harlequin Presents imprint had the really racy stuff back in the 80s). The formula really shows in this one: straightforward romance plot, minor obstacles to overcome, a few comedy supporting characters, and medium-spicy love scenes.
And then they spend a whole chapter romping through Disney World, during which things happen that neither Uncle Walt nor Michael Eisner would have ever allowed to have seen the light of day.
The Plot: 27-year-old widow Barbara Emerson had a warm relationship with her teenaged stepdaughter, Jacqui, until her husband’s death in a car accident 14 months earlier. But lately Jacqui has been neglecting her schoolwork and running around with a punk rock boyfriend. After a quarrel, Jacqui runs away from home, and a week later a desperate Barbara shows up at the office of Private Eye Dan McGuinn.
Sparks fly from their first meeting, probably because they are both redheads:
Those thick red curls refused to be disciplined and made the prim, tailored outfit she wore an intriguing deception.
There is so much filler in this book. While Dan chases down leads for Jacqui’s whereabouts with the help of his cop-buddy Bill Gates (LOL), Barbara still has to go to her job as a career counselor at the local college, where she and her colleague/BFF Gwen devote their days to finding a suitable career for hopeless graduating senior Kevin.
Barbara also has a Secret. Dan does her one better and has Two Secrets.
At the beginning of Chapter 4 Jacqui calls home from Orlando, Florida and, contrite, asks Barbara to wire her money for a plane ticket home. Barbara lets Dan know his services are no longer needed, and… what are we going to do for the remaining 200 pages?
Luckily for the reader, Jacqui never gets on a plane, and Barbara convinces Dan to get back on the case. He agrees to fly down to Florida to look for Jacqui in person, and Barbara insists upon accompanying him. And when he says he was going to fly down, he meant that literally, he has his own plane, and an entire chapter is about the specifics of piloting a Cessna while he and Barbara keep accidentally-on-purpose bumping into each other in the tiny cabin. So much romantic tension!
They finally arrive in Orlando, and Dan checks them in to a motel right out of The Florida Project. Dan has learned that Jacqui spent some time at a runaway shelter, and interviews some of the surly teens who knew her. He insists that Barbara get some sleep while he goes down to The Orange Blossom Trail, a string of truck stops on the interstate where teenagers end up “…and not always serving hamburgers”.
When Dan knocks on Barbara’s door after a fruitless search, they fall into bed together, and although he “pulled his snug-fitting denim pants off” describing Dan as “a considerate and thorough lover” is about as descriptive as it gets.
Early the next morning, Barbara is awoken by Dan having a PTSD nightmare, the first clue about his first Secret. He brushes it off and tells her to sleep in, they are going to start the search for Jacqui at Disney World later that day.
At the Magic Kingdom, they both wander around separately, and Barbara complains about the quality of the food, which is the first thing that I think Disney would have prevented from getting into print. Obviously, the food at the Adventureland Veranda is nothing short of magical.
And I know that I said that this isn’t really a book about Disney Adults… but at this point Dan kind of reveals himself to be a Disney Adult when it turns out he goes to Disney World all the time:
“I’ve been a big fan of Mickey’s ever since I was a kid. And that Minnie Mouse! Wow!”
“Didn’t know I was competing with a mouse.” Barbara quipped with determined lightness.
Barbara gets the much less fun reveal of her Secret, which is that she was behind the wheel during the car accident that killed her husband when she hit a patch of ice and slammed into a tree. The late Mr. Emerson had not been wearing a seatbelt, but she still blames herself, and fears that Jacqui blames her too.
After lunch they board the appropriately-capitalized WEDway People Mover and head over to the still-new EPCOT Center, where they go on a whirlwind tour of the attractions (all properly capitalized), ostensibly in search of Jacqui. This is the high point of the book, because it sounds like it was written by a deranged travel agent.
Dan is determined to convince Barbara that EPCOT actually has the best food and they have dinner and many margaritas in the Mexican pavilion, so she’s a little tipsy when she thinks she spots Jacqui riding a double decker bus in the Great Britian pavilion. Near closing time, they wait patiently by the exit, but the girl has slipped through their fingers. They next day Dan scams a handicap pass for Barbara (thing #2 that Disney would never have allowed to be depicted) and she skulks her way around Spaceship Earth, Journey Into Imagination, and The Land before meeting up with Dan and reporting:
“I had no idea you could grow so many things hydroponically- lettuce, every kind of vegetable. It makes it seem as though no matter how overpopulated we get, we’ll still be able to eat.”
They also again spot Jacqui, working as a roving concessionaire. Dan gives chase, wreaking havoc as he jumps from boat to boat on Pirates of the Caribbean, while the incompetent teenaged attendants fail to stop the ride (this would be things #3 and 4 that would now be cease-and-desisted into oblivion); security finally tackles Dan and Jacqui escapes before he can explain who he is- when he does, the employees helpfully volunteer that the girl he was chasing has been calling herself Becky Bryant and hands over her home address.
Dan shows up at the address, which a bunch of Disney employees have been using as a crash pad, and learns that the real Becky Bryant had decided to quit her job at Disney World and just handed her identity and job over to Jacqui and no one really noticed (the final things that Disney would put the kibosh on); Jacqui has had her fill of her Florida adventure and agrees to come home. Dan delivers her to Barbara back at the hotel and step-mother and -daughter have a happy reunion.
THERE ARE STILL 100 PAGES LEFT IN THE BOOK.
Everything after Disney World is anti-climax. After returning home to Baltimore, Barbara and Dan continue to see each other, but she is hesitant in committing to a relationship, especially when she spends the night at his place and hears a mysterious woman leave a message on his answering machine threatening that “he’ll be sorry…”
Eventually he admits that his PTSD comes his time on the police force, when he accidentally shot a homeless man while pursuing a murder-robbery suspect. After that he quit the force, which greatly disappointed his cop-dad and cop-brother. The woman on the answering machine turns out to have been his sister-in-law, trying to convince him to come to his father’s birthday party.
In the end, everything works out with zero conflict. Jacqui loves Dan, and is thrilled to have him as a new father-figure! Barbara teaches Dan conflict resolution techniques to use with his father, and soon they are happily chatting about the basketball game. She and Gwen even find a career for that hopeless Kevin! He’s going to be an interior decorator!
And of course, Dan’s parents just wanted him to find a woman to settle down with and marry all along, and he is happy to oblige them.
Sign It Was Written In 1986:
No wonder Kevin can’t find a job, applying was much more complicated 40 years ago!
“You want it typed?”
“Yes, white eight-and-one-half-by-eleven-inch paper. No onionskin. No erasable paper. Good quality bond is best. Here’s a handout on resume preparation.”
Lost Classics of Teen Lit: 1939-1989 