mmonroebpd

OMG its so hot. *pants* I hate the heat. I'm sitting here at my inlaws *eye roll* typing from their dial-up computer. Sloooooooooooooooow. Def not used to it. On the 16th (i'm keeping notes because comcast will hear it out if they raise any hell with me) i noticed my net was slower and slower and then POP no net. The modem was just not getting a connection. Thinking that my bill was just overdue i called them myself and asked if my service was interrupted and the girl said yes. All I had to pay was 104 bucks and they'd turn it back on. They jsut wanted my money because I foudn out the next day that my bill was in fact 30 days late but it hadn't been interrupted yet. Ooookay so then they tell me that upgrades are going on in the area and a lot of people were out and when they fix it my modem should come back on. WRONG! So they scheduled a tech to come out on sunday (later i found out that if they work on sundays it costs extra...go figure) but i had to ride with dex in the festeva to the inlaws so he can fix the truck and i can drive the festeva back. So I resceduled for monday (sorry for the typos i'm just not caring) from 11am-2pm. This better be fixed or they're giving me another modem. Yes I can do without it for a few days but its painful because these days if you don't have the net you're screwed. Plus its the only way I can talk to my friends and since I don't have any in winchester my depression just worsens. So everyone who have told me to get over it in the past couple of days can kiss my ass. I'm not switching to anything else till I know for sure that comcast has screwed me and then i'll call visuallink and see what they offer me. My neighbor wants me to go with directv. "Um why? they cost more and they don't offer the net. " "yeah they do!" "uh no they don't!" he probably wants me to go with them so HE can get a discount. Ya know how when you sign up with something new you can save a friend money by reccomending the program to them? whatever. i love him dearly but sometimes i just wanna shake him cuz he's a stubborn old man. i try to live as frugal as I can but some things you just don't get for cheap. grrrrr! people piss me off.

other then that....i went to class on wednesday and there was about 10 people in there ALL WOMEN. ugh. my teacher is nice. he's a professor at Shenendoah U at the pharmacy part. I have to go clear to hagerstown to take my test. yikes. that won't be till september.

so i tried the juicer here for the first time. i mixed carrot, grape, and canalope juice. kinda made me quesay but it wasn't that bad. i told them to get me one for christmas. i would like a blender now though so i guess once EVERYONE IS CAUGHT UP AND HAPPY i'll be able to invest in one. AND NO I'M NOT BUYING IT AT THE DOLLAR STORE! damn it! i want something to last me a year not a month! SOME things i get at the dollar store. actually almost everything i get is either at the dollar store, food lion, or walmart (if i have to). I don't buy anythign I don't need. Okay so I did it in the past when I thought I was 10 feet tall and bulletproof but I learned my lesson and people can make fun of me all the want. Screw them in the ear! I'm in more debt then I'd like to be but it'll get better. In the meantime i have to LIVE and I have to EAT HEALTHY. *pant* i know i have a lot of pent up frusteration. I need my running shoes and I need some kinda mp3 player. I don't care if its 20 dollars and can hold 20 songs. I need soemthing to run with!

okay...i'm done....FOR NOW!!!!!!

Well aside from having a bad night three nights ago and scaring everyone to death (sorry bout that) everything went well the next day. On the 10th I took Sherida to Romney to see the doc. I think this is their last chance on getting disability. I didn't realize it was so hard. Seems anymore you gotta be almost dead to get the thing. *shrugs* After that she took me to millers market. Its owned by the menonittes (sp) so they sell some good stuff. I bought a lavendar candle and a big bottle of all season salt. I know where i'm gonna be christmas shoppin' :-). After that we stopped at the DMV tp pick up a couple of commerical license test books. Rod has to take his over again soon because its about to expire and Dex is taking his for the first time. We then stopped at this little roadside store that sold fresh veggies. They ddi't have much of a selection but they're related so we got a good deal. :-) Riding with her the entrie day I realize how much her and Becky and basically HER side of the family are all alike. They talk like they know everything about everything and you're trying not to laugh because they don't know squat from peter (i made that up). I was so ....grrr'd when poor pap had to have heart surgery and i found out it was minor and not the quadtruple like they said. WHY WHY WHY would you say that? I also hate how they sugar coat and "don't tell josh cuz he'll cry." Tell the kid the damn truth!! How the hell is he gonna learn about life if you keep coddling him? He's gonna end up like Becky and be almost 30 and not know how to ....grrrr.

Anyways I'm going to church tommorow for the first time in ages. Winchester Church of God to be exact so I hope I'm not snubbed. There is a group that meets every week and I wanna check it out. Its kinda like for people like me. I grabbed a brochere from online and it sounds okay. If this doesn't work out i'll try calvary brethern. i 'm not sure if that's the right name.

So i'm gonna hang out today with seth38101 and CJU08 and we're going to go to famers markert and the bookstore. for the first time since i quit.

adios.

Its a feeling of hopelessness. The title just sums it up. You feel like there is no other escape but deep down inside, you know its not the answer. I need help and I need it now.

Don't wory I'm not really going thru with it. But its out in the open now and i just hope i can get the help i need.

Slept till 1:30 today but I was up and down all day since about 5am. I fell asleep *thank god* last night at midnight and dex woke me up at 2am getting home from work. So we ate and watched half of the movie we got from netflix (i'm baaaack) which was the second national treasure movie. So far its awesome like the first. I didn't get "Alvin and the chipmunks" yet so if i don't get it otmmorow i'm yelling at them to either send it or send me another dvd or SNIP and i'll just go to movie gallery. I hate that because i always go over the due date and i wind up paying late fees. with netflix you don't gotta do that. grr!

I took my neighbor to work at 8am then laid back down till well...1:30. Poor dex got up late. Tonight I'm making him sleep on the side where the alarm clock is. I like that side because the fan is blowing right on me and I hate waking up hot and sweaty. Okay enuff of that.

Nothing else going on. I need to write my grandparents. Yes that is the goal. Tried to call mom but she's either outside or not home.

hm. I need to use my "free food" coupon from Chipotle. Its like a mexican subway basically. Stead of subs you got burritos. I don't like mexican food really unless its a quesadilla (sp) but i'll give it a try. The one in nashville was really good but the one up here is awful. We'll see!

I probably got a half an hour or maybe a little longer. I don't know. Dex left at 2am on monday morning and didn't get in till 2am the next day. Yeah. Long shift. Therefore he's snoring very loudly and is taking up the whole bed so that may be part of the problem. Now that I'm wide awake, contacts in, sitting here with the fan blowing on me, its beginning to annoy me. I think now that i'm awake i'm going to get some laundry together and start it. I have to take my neighbor to work in about an hour so when i get home i'll have that goal nearly completed. THEN dex and I have to go take care of a bill and then i'll ship him back to work. I hate insomia. But i'm not going to go to sleep during the day. I need toget back into routine of sleeping AT NIGHT instead of till 1pm.

all day longi've tried to write in this thing but i couldn't do it so i grabbed my notebook and tried again. i wrote almost two pages. speaking of writing...i need to finish that letter to my grandparents. maybe i should manuely write that too. i need to work on my spelling..

my wrist hurt so bad i finally broke down and went to CVS (can't hold a grudge against them) for a heating pad. the pad was about 16 dollars. sheesh. so i'll wait and look for one at walmart because i'll have to go there for my light anyways. i'm investing in a light to go over top the stove. i'm tired of having to turn on the "pet area" light to see hat i'm doing in the kitchen area of the apt. yes my little studio apt has "sections". It has an outlet just above the stove area which is perfect.

I got the dishes done and the laundry sorted into the basket i keep beside the microwave. there is where i keep all the laundry soap. the mircowave is so clean i'm so proud! i soaked it in some hot soapy water and lysoed and cleaned the inside of it. nice! tommorow i'm cleaning out the cabinets while i soak the oven and burner liners in easy off. so i'll be making a trip to family dollar for that. thank god for coupons. i bought a tube of icyhot for my wrist. i hope i don't have to have that thing fixed though something is gonna have to happen soon because it really does hurt. i have to have a skin graph done on the bottom of my gum under my bottom front teeth. i've already had bone loss. did i say this already/ if i did. sorry!! lol! but least i don't have to pay the deductable again.

i'm feeling a bit hyper so i'm steeping a mug of ginger peach tea. i have many canisters of this tea that i got from BAM because they were expired. yeah i took too many. i guess i go a little nuts on free stuff. plus the tea isn't all that great but i'll try this stuff because its decaf. i like the lemon chamollie(sp) stuff because it really does help you relax. its got a hint of lavendar in it i think which helps.

yeah this month is def gonna be tight. we still have rent, electric, and comcast to pay which is all three on my list of "most important" not to mention my hospital bill. i'm going to continue to pay the 25 dollars. they can't yell at me because i'm payin them SOMETHIGN. also fluffys surgery and my doc appt will be added to that list as well. then in august we should be caught back up and i'll be in full swing of my class.

other then that everything is fine. i know God will provide our needs. Dex has been telling ME that lately because I'm the one that worries about it. Dex just shrugs and goes about his day. I'm crying because I can't sleep because of anxiety and he just kisses me on the cheek and walks out the door. I'm so lucky. Not every man would put up with me. Heck not too many people would put with me. Ya guys are great. i luvz ya.

I'm considering walmart again. i know...i know...i hate it....but worse comes to worse i think they'll take me back. there are other places i can go. but rigth now we're doing fine and i'm still keeping my apps new at the hospital. i'm gonna try the local "homes" around here as well. i know...i can't get away from the homes. LOL!

Well I shouldn't say that because I haven't had one in a long time, but today at sheetz i was having a panic attack. good thing I wasn't paying in change because it woulda went everywhere. not sure what brought it on. thinking about stuff (what's due what needs paid being near broke) and sitting in the heat. I took my neighbor to the bank and I deposited almost 200 bucks in the bank but it won't cover anything till friday. ugh. i hope dex gets paid tommorow like he's supposed to.

So fluffy is good to go as far as shots and being healthy enuff for surgery. I take him back on the 24th for his booster and snip snip goes his manhood. Poor baby just growled at everyone today. LOL he doens' tlike strangers too much. The dog barking at the clinic probaby shook him up a bit. He never heard a dog before. But he got his rabies shot and his booster today. I think it calmed him down a bit cuz he's been sleeping all day. Thank goodness!

My wrist is killing me. I don't know what the docs can do to a two year old injury but I may have to go soon because its' getting to the point I can't use it without it hurting. Its just uncomfy.

I need to finish the dishes and clean the fan (its so dirty) then I may let my neighbor take me out to eat. He does that as a thanks for helping him out. He's 55 and a vietnam vet not to mention dex's ex boss at cottmanns transmissions. Plus he gives me a lot of advice and he hasn't steared me wrong yet. He's a good guy though he tends to get drunk quite a bit when we go to resturants with a bar. But all in all he's a good guy.

Adios for now!

hmmmm for some reason my bolds,italics, and underlines didn't show. Well most of them i've read but only in high school. others by myself during my TIME at booksamillion. sound like a prison doesn't it?

stupid computer adware won't let me on AOL. i had a virus and it corrupted a file.

There's a book that was just recently released called "Stolen Innocence" by Alissa(?) Well. I think that's the author. Anyways this woman was part of the latter day saints and was forced to marry at 14 and somehow she escaped. The leader of this sect was charged for I think child molestation or something like that. I can't remember but it looks really good and the book shows photos of her crying thru her smile because she didn't want to get married. Well who WOULD at 14? Sorry Loretta Lynn...no offense.

So the dentist appt today wasn't too bad. He wants me to get a water pick from walmart to clean my teeth. I'm sure its expensive so it may have to wait. I have bone loss in my lower front teeth due to the fact that the muscle keeps pulling away from the teeth. I have to have that part grafted next door. Ugh. Surgery. ASAP because i'll end up losing them. They're already loose. The deductable was 100 bucks. Yikes. But the rest was covered by the insurance. This includes the xrays they took and the actual procedures. When I rinsed there were blood clots and i kinda looked at the hygenist and she said it was because I haven't had them cleaned in a while. Still it was just ...yuck. Fluffy is next tommorow. I don't know how much his checkup will cost me. Hopefully not too much. Then I make an appt for HIS surgery and then MY doctors appt is later this month. So this month is gonna run me a bit tight financially. But we'll be fine. Dex is doing very well and well my unemployment should be kicking in soon.

I told Dex that I'll get a job when it comes down to it. I just wanted to get my class out of the way or at least way into it before I go back to work. I'm really gonna bust my bottom to get in with WMC. I KNOW for a fact they need techs and by then I'll be certified. My heart is racing. I HATE worrying about money! See Jen? I NEED THIS CONFERENCE! Make everyone and their mothers attack me those three days if you know what i mean!

Here's a reading list too!
1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible - God
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. 1984- George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare (I haven't finished them all yet, but I'm working through them.)
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

So I've decided to use my time of unemployment to heal. It'll be my healing time. Getting in touch with not only the big man upstairs but also with my emotions and starting fresh. I wanna concentrate on today and not so much on the future. And the PAST....well that's what this place, youtube, and other resources like dailystrength.org is for. Writing everything down, screaming and crying...yeah that's how i get it out. i've been crying for the past few days, using up tissues and reading parts of my Bible. I'm reading my bible more these days then I ever have in my LIFE! I bought two books at borders with my coupons. I've been clipping coupons like crazy! Dex and I both got meals tonight at Arbys and they were 8.00 bucks all together. Then we went to food lion and bought healthy foods and saved about 20 dollars in coupons. We bought the new flameless candle for 4 dollars and some change. Most of the time they're like 11 dollars. I had a five dollar coupon plus the mvp card helped alot. Thank God for food lion and the mvp card.

I'm being as frugle as I can these days. We're going to the thrift store to find my bookcase. My books for class including my medical dictionary, my bible, my mags from joyce meyer ministries, and my THREE books from borders will go in that. Plus I'm getting back to netflix. It's only like eight dollars a month if I go with the one at a time plan. One dvd at a time for as long as I want. I may go with the three. I don't know.

Inlaws tommorow to put plastic pipes into their house to replace the copper ones. Now they're water will stop tasting like metal. Its so unhealthy. *sigh* Wish I didn't have to go. I'll be honset...those people make me wanna die.

*looks around* I need to buy a swifter sweeper and mop this place out. Its getting uncluttered and I'm not about to make it worse. I need to unplug the fridge, put everything cold in a sink full of ice water, and clean and steralize the poor thing. Its looking very gross.

*Sigh* I've been so depressed. No it really aches inside. That's why I cry and write and drown myself in my bible and watch joyce and joel as much as I can. It keeps me from dying.