Final Fantasy Marathon, 1987-1994

Introduction – Raw Feed

Final Fantasy I (Dawn of Souls – GBA) – Originally released December 17, 1987

Character Creation: How to kick someone and have them fall down forty hours later.
Cornelia: Doing your own thing and confounding everyone. You lose, I lose, everyone loses!
Shrine of Chaos to Astos: In which a single mistake ruins everything for the remainder of the run.
Glitches: In which a number of mistakes found the success of a franchise.
Melmond through Bahamut: Boats carved from the husks of gods.
Mt. Gulg and Water Shrine: Perpetuating the institute of slavery one good deed at a time.
Mirage Tower: Everyone just reads walkthroughs these days anyway.
Shrine of Chaos: “I think someone’s trying to kill us?” “Hit the snooze!”

Final Fantasy I Manga (Tankoban) – Originally released December 30, 1989

Chapter 1 to Chapter 3: Toughest Puff
Chapter 4 to Chapter 6: Dragon with bazooka for Dissidia 4! [pounding table] Dragon with bazooka for Dissidia 4!

Final Fantasy II (Dawn of Souls – GBA) – Originally released December 17, 1988

Intro through Fynn: Sheering black sheep and abandoning what’s-his-name.
Semitt Falls through Snow Cave: Auto-erotic stat grinding.
Kashuan through Lahmia Queen: This is all Firion’s fault.
Palamecia Arena through Mysidia Tower: Your efforts are futile and your existence is meaningless. It’s not a villain’s nihilistic speech, it’s just the plot of Final Fantasy II!
Cyclone through Palamecia: Talking is a free action.
Jade Passage through Raqia: Weren’t we just here?
Arubboth: The Palace of Heaven is like a house of cards: a gust in just the right spot…

The Final Fantasy Legend (Original Release – GB) – Originally released December 15, 1989

Character Creation: Complicated lies.
First World to Tower: A classic rags to riches story starring a boy, two girls, and Pyros, Titan of Fire.
Second World to Third World: You want me to sail off the edge of the world? Okay!
Fourth World to Ashura: One of these days I need to sit down and actually watch Akira.
The Climb to Paradise: “Well when we get to twenty, tell me… I’m gonna throw up.”

Final Fantasy III (3D Version – iOS) – Originally released April 27, 1990

Altar Cave to Djinn Cave: Psst, hey buddy… [opens jacket] …want to buy three axes?
Crystal of Wind to Viking’s Cave: Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a pharmacist!
Nepto Temple to Tower of Owen: Monksicle.
Subterranean Cave to Second Airship: Don’t mind me, I’m just an autonomous moving shadow, like you see every day!
Cave of Tides to Goldor’s Manor: The team is back in town!
Saronia to Temple of Time: Left Up Right Left Up Right
Ancient Ruins through Summon Sidequests: Split up and backtrack.
Doga’s Grotta through Endgame: Why are we in danger of something called “Kumkums?”

Final Fantasy III: Legend of the Eternal Wind (Tankoban) – Originally released starting 1991

Volume 1: Gag ending where the gargantuan Crystal rises out of the ground and then just falls on top of them.
Volume 1 to 2: Love it when I hypnotize a major character into being an entirely different character, my favourite hobby.
Volume 3: Very polite of Alus to get off the set by falling between the cracks of the story.

Final Fantasy I・II・III: Memory of Heroes (Book) – Originally released October 25, 2012

Final Fantasy I and II: Zest, Jolt, and Puffy, locked in a deathmatch for worst Final Fantasy name.
Final Fantasy III: “Once upon a time, you four fought the evil Garland.” “Aw, grandma, we’ve already lived through that one!”

Final Fantasy Legend II (Original Release – GB) – Originally released December 14, 1990

Home to Ashura’s Tower: “Dad, why are you painting my forehead?” “Go back to sleep, son, the bullseye’s getting all wobbly.”
Giant Town to Apollo’s World: “Dear, you forgot to set the rhino traps again!”
Guardian’s World to Venus’ World: “Go to your room.” “Dad, I’m on a cross-reality adventure through time and space!” “Now, son!”
Dragon Race to Edo: Finally, a depiction of dolphins as the eldritch abominations they truly are!
Nasty World to Central Shrine (surface): “Dad, you’re back!” “Dad! Noooo!”
Central Shrine: Falling down stairs with friends.

Final Fantasy Adventure (Original Release – GB) – Originally released June 8, 1991

Arena to Axe Shop: “Throw another cat in there, we’ve got like twelve of them.”
Kett’s and Cave of Marsh: “Maybe we should tell the other guests that we killed the host and staff?” “Nah.”
Jidoor to Airship: Fun fact: “Why do I keep standing on ledges?” (a quote from Kyle) was originally the subtitle to the entire journal on my original blog. It’s very indicative of FFA as a whole.
Menos to Davias’ Mansion: Drugs and desert figure skating, which come to think of it, might be the result of drugs.
Mt. Rocks (ugh) to Ish: I’m running out of room to put these boss screenshots!
Overworld to Cave of Ruins: Step right up, step right up! Smash the one correct crystal in thousands and win a Kewpie doll!
Dime Tower to Shrine of Mana: “Sumo, you’re all that’s left to protect my daughter.” “Welp, time to immediately leave!”

Final Fantasy IV (Complete Collection – PSP) – Originally released July 19, 1991

Introduction through Mist: Overcast with a chance of firestorm.
Kaipo to Damcyan: And this is a small intestine. It used to belong to a father of four! Isn’t that great?
Antlion Den to the Siege of Fabul: Dear King Fabul, please put all your Monks in the same spot. I want to throw them a party. Love, Golbez.
Mysidia to Baron: I’ve gathered you all here to announce the identity of… the murderer!
Troia to the Tower of Zot: And for my next trick, I shall make the dungeon disappear!
Agart to the Tower of Babel: I cast FIST at the explosion!
Cave of Eblan to the Lunar Whale: I cast ice at the ice cube! Lightning at the thunderstorm!
Lair of the Father to, uh… the Lair of the Father: That’s nothing, my mother used to wake up with an angry cat and a steak knife.
Red Moon to the Giant of Babil: Cid from FFII and Aria Benett from FFIII sit around wondering why everyone forgot about them.
Lunar Subterrane: We who are about to die, repeatedly, until we get different results, salute you.

Final Fantasy IV: Interlude (Complete Collection – PSP) – Originally released March 24, 2011

Introduction to Fabul: “Isn’t a baby smiling at Cecil a sign of the apocalypse?”
Dwarven Castle to Tower of Babil: “Uh oh. I think they broke him. […] They did! They broke his little mind!”

Final Fantasy IV: The After Years (Complete Collection – PSP) – Originally released starting February 18, 2008

Ceodore’s Tale – Adamant Isle Grotto: “Also, I may have sold all your good equipment to buy some hair dye. Have a safe trip!”
Ceodore’s Tale – Baron to Mysidia: No, you go on without me. Trust me, this self-sacrifice is very important, it’s a technique I learned from my good friend Yang!
Ceodore’s Tale – Baron to Mist: “Dragoon. Ex-Baron. This will be a complicated mystery because there are so many dragoons in Baron.”
Rydia’s Tale: *snaps* The Uncanny Valley! That’s what this game needs!
Yang’s Tale: Father/daughter desert island trustbuilding exercises.
Palom’s Tale: Yes I carry a small number of monsters in my pocket, I’m going to be a Pokemon master, what of it?
Edge’s Tale: You have to admire Edge’s gumption in making sure one of his earliest acts as king was to recruit his own private army.
Porom’s Tale (nominally): How dare the narrative sideline someone wearing such an awesome cape?
Edward’s Tale: Four royal families in this conflict and only two take along their bodyguards. And only one their accountants!
Kain’s Tale and The Lunarian’s Tale: I feel like I’m the guy in the back going “He’s a chicken, I tell you! A giant chicken!“
The Crystals – Part 1: And rounding out our party: an invisible ghost who eats up our supplies!
The Crystals – Part 2: Cecil must have left these two games with a terrifying fear of mirrors.
The Crystals – Part 3: Ah yes, my archnemesis: phosphorescent mucous. We meet again.

Final Fantasy Legend III (Original Release – GB) – Originally released December 13, 1991

Shrine to North Tower: Roving band of cannibal cyborgs and their stealth jet..
Elan to Chaos’ Castle: We have to bring her to her senses! With bladed weaponry!
Future to Floatland: Doing the five unrelated shops tango.
Fenrir’s Maze to Jorgandr Desert: Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a catnip joke that hasn’t already been made?
Talonsburg to Dwelg Village: Talon2, from the makers of “4 Extra Crystals for FFIV” and “I’ve Written Myself into a Corner by Killing Someone with Job Levels but at Least I Have This Gold Thingy.”
West Towers to Eastern Ruins: Ewww, there’s some guy all over the walls.
Mt. Goht to Xagor’s Castle: Wherein we fail to kill a guy who is standing still taking the hits.

Final Fantasy Mystic Quest (Original Release – Wii Virtual Console) – Originally released October 5, 1992

Mountain of Fate to Foresta: Unleash the druid!
Lost Forest to Skull Dungeon: Our great shame.
Focus Tower to Wintry Cave: Eight glasses a day.
Falls Basin to Focus Tower: At last, my garbage has found its owner!
Fireburg to Mine: Ah, another day at the lava mines, digging up the freshest of lava.
Volcano to King Tree: Good day for giant things.
Windia to, uh… Windia: Where did the old water even go?
Mac’s Ship to Doom Castle: Optional-mandatory dungeon.
Final Boss: “Hey Mac mind if I borrow your ship forever okay great goodbye!”

Final Fantasy V (Matrix Software Release – iOS) – Originally released December 6, 1992

Intro to Wind Shrine: Things earthquakes can do, so far: free genies, spontaneously generate boulders, destroy floating island machinery, disintegrate towers, open canyons, and attract goblins.
Zok to Torna Canal: Hey, it could be worse! But we’ll be getting to Legend of the Crystals.
Ship’s Graveyard to Walse Tower: Water, water, everywhere, and every drop out to kill us.
Karnak to the Fire-Powered Ship: It’s bigger on the inside. And explosive!
Library of the Ancients to Sidequests: Book burning.
Desert of Shifting Sands to Ronka Ruins: You know, I’ve noticed a considerable uptick in the number of corpses I’ve had to manhandle since this Marathon began.
Meteor Quest to Moogle Village: Here Lies Link, Evasion +33%.
Bal to Barrier Tower: Down with Art.
Ghido’s Cave to the Great Forest of Moore: Osmosis through grief.
Exdeath’s Castle: See you around, Gilgy!
Tycoon to Guardian Tree: Hey you two, no in-fighting! What do you think this is, Final Fantasy II?
Sidequests: Lali-ho! We’re dying off slowly in extreme isolation! Lali-ho!
The Interdimensional Rift: Dungeon smoothie.

Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals (VHS Release) – Originally released starting March 21, 1994

Wind Chapter: No, I’m serious, you’re not prepared.
Fire Chapter: Forgive me readers for I have sinned.
Dragon Chapter: Eh, who needs themed episode titles, anyways?
Star Chapter: Zeus wakes up in his hangover crate and saves the day.

Final Fantasy VI (Matrix Software Release – iOS) – Originally released April 2, 1994

Narshe: Moogles, after completing your battle, please head through the door on the right to be melted down into actual playable characters.
Figaro to Mt. Kolts: Figaro used Dig! It’s super effective!
Returner’s Hideout to Locke and Terra’s Scenarios: Enter the void, we have Moogles!
Sabin’s Scenario: Your mercenary buddy who’s fun to be with.
Narshe to Kohinglen: All you needed to go northwest was an entire tunnelling city and influence over the monarchy. Clear as a country highway.
Zozo to Opera House: All we’re missing is an NPC at the front gate saying “This is not Zozo.”
Blackjack to Zozo: “Why do they always choose death?!”
Narshe to Vector: You know, when I came up with this system of labelling links with place names, I was hoping they’d generally be unique place names.
Imperial Ship to Thamassa: Also names that wouldn’t loop! over the same places multiple times!
Floating Continent: It’s that way, through the liver!
Solitary Island to Darril’s Tomb: Oh, the productive grief!
Character Collecting, pt 1: T-Rex in A-Minor.
Character Collecting, pt 2: Climbing up, climbing down, our work is never done…
Character Collecting, pt 3: The Gut Patrol.
Kefka’s Tower: Thanksgiving at Terra’s.