Stutterings of the Sub-Genius

REUTERS: PARALYZED HENCHMAN SUES ASSAILANT

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On a humid autumn evening, Martin Walker was working his patrol shift outside a secret installation in the jungles of Cambodia. Suddenly, without notice, Walker was attacked from behind by a black-clad assailant. In a split second, his neck was ruthlessly snapped and his limp body was left for dead. Later found by local autorities after the building he was so dilligently guarding was leveled by a series of explosions, he was rushed to the municipal hospital in Phnom Penh. Martin is now a quadrapelegic, lifeless from the neck down and confined to a motorized wheelchair which he drives by blowing into a straw. He is currently in litigations for damages against his assailant, identified as one Steven Seagal, AKA Mason Storm, AKA John Hatcher, AKA Casey Ryback, AKA Forrest Taft. Seagal is an ex-military special agent/ex police officer/martial artist and self-proclaimed vigilante and freedom fighter who claims to have been on a mission that fateful night to avenge the cold-blooded murders of his wife, daughter, best friend, partner, mailman and goldfish, which were allegedly orchestrated by Maxim Carter, the head of Carter Industries, the company which employed Martin Walker.

Walker was reached for comment at his home outside Tallahassee, FL.

"You know, I was only 20, working my way through community college, my girl was pregnant, I was working a concession stand at the race track. I saw this ad in the paper. It's all 'Looking for a unique, well paying job that will impress your friends? Want to see the world? Looking to learn covert operation combat tactics and warefare without selling out to the U.S. military? Apply with Carter Industries. Top pay in our field and great benefits.' I figured 'What the hell', right? Well, they liked my style or something because they hired me on the spot. I was told not to ask too many question about the job. Simply that Carter Industries was into pharmecuticals and stuff. I didn't care, really. I was just trying to get my feet on solid financial ground, you know? I got hired on as "security". The high-ups used to joke and call us 'henchmen'. It was a pretty sweet gig. They trained me, gave me a machine gun and a sweet uniform and stuff. All I had to do was patrol around the building and 'shoot anything that moved'. I figured that meant like, tigers and stuff that could get into the building and hurt the scientists. I mean, we were in the jungle after all.

Anyway, I still don't really even know what happened. All I know is there I was, working my shift outside the building when, BAM. I was grabbed up on from behind and then like, everything went black. I woke up in the hospital a few days later and I couldn't feel my body and stuff. It sucks, man. I was just doin my job, you know? He didn't even give me the option to surrender or anything. It's not like I was that committed to the company. I mean, it was a decent job and all but if he had been like 'Put the gun on the ground and walk away or I'm gonna snap your neck.', you know I would have been out of there.

So my life is like, totally screwed now. Here I am in my prime, can't move, can't work, can't play with my daughter... Got no recourse though the company or anything. I mean, dude who broke my neck went and shot up everyone at the company including Mr. Carter and all the upper management. Then he blew the whole place up! So now what? Company's totally gone. All the records went up in smoke and stuff. Turns out they were doing illegal stuff behind the scenes so my insurance, my benefits, all that's void now. I didn't even get my last paycheck. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Bills are piling up, you know? Sandra's all tied up looking after me and the baby. The money's got to come from somewhere. Seagal needs to face the results of his actions, man! It's his fault I'm like this and he's going to pay when we're done in court."

Hearings begin on monday.

Stolen from krackmonkey who stole it from someone else. The best laugh I've had in weeks.


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