My student loans went back into that happy happy place of me having to pay them. Except I was trying to save money for when I have to move 1500 miles away and start paying $1100 a month for rent. I don't know when my student loan money for vet school will be coming in, which is why I was hoping to save a decent sum from working -- that way if I needed to I would have enough to put down money for the first month on the apartment, buy furniture, etc. But now I have to start on the loans.

Except oh hi, I *just* finished paying off my credit card again (thanks Mom and Dad for owing me almost $700 still) so none of that money went into savings; I make $10 an hour and $900 a month after taxes; and now my student loan payments come out to $400 a month. Toss in $250 a month for transportation to work, buying food for myself for work breakfasts/lunches that isn't shite, and going to the doctor to get all my health stuff sorted out for vet school... well, yeah, that doesn't leave much for savings. Especially if I want to, you know, go out and occasionally do something fun with the boyfriend or friends. I guess I'm never going to have even $1000 in my goddamned savings account. Never made it yet.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I thought I would have 6 months of grace after I finished PSU, which would put me squarely in enrollment at vet school and thus not having to worry about them for another 4 years. Losing $1000 before I even make it down to California was not in the fucking plan (because I guess one payment was due last month, which I wasn't aware of, so now I have to pay 2 payments for June for one and another payment for the other set of loans). I only have one more month of work. Three more paychecks. This next one's going to be light (5 days plus 2 hours holiday pay)... I'll probably make $1300 total before I leave there if I'm lucky.

Fuck.

I am going to be just as shit with money as my fucking parents.

Fuck.

I'm getting to the point where I can talk about Mindy more often without crying, and I'm remembering lots of silly, good things about her. Friday I'd taken a big pine cone and slathered it with peanut butter and tied it to a tree for the birds, and the peanut butter, being organic and lacking thickeners, kept dripping off the pine cone to the ground. Mindy of course immediately discovered the peanut butter drippings and licked them up, but not before some of it fell on her head. XD Mindy truly was an awesome dog. <3

Work has been difficult, though. Both Monday and today I moved very slowly all day and had trouble concentrating on more than one or two things at once, and kept forgetting things. And whenever anyone asked me to do something in anything less than the cheeriest tone possible I felt almost under attack, despite that never being the case. I found myself tearing up at random moments, but today was much better than Monday for that.

Luckily I haven't seen any dogs that look like Mindy yet -- there's one, a Lab mix named Molly, that looks about 90% like Mindy and I imagine when I see her again, it will be hard. But that probably won't happen for a while. And we didn't have to do any euthanasias this week, so that helps. But I was still pretty down all day and not like myself. I only really cheered up when Preston demanded I load myself onto a dolly so he could roll me down the hallway, because I felt like Hannibal Lector and it was goofy. :-P Other than that I was a pretty gray little Gina still, but at least without so many tears. Which is a relief... Saturday I got a little stye on my eyelid, which was irritating enough, but then with all the crying on Sunday and the irritation from the stye, my eyelid was three times its normal size :( It's finally getting back to normal, thank God.

No letters from vet school yet. Washington said they'd be sending them out last Friday. It's fucking Wednesday, bitches. Get the fuck with the program!!!!! Not that I'm antsy or anything... it just would've been nice to have SOMETHING good happen this week. :(

I'm finding it extremely difficult to care about my classes. I skipped nutrition last Thursday, barely studied for the test I had Tuesday, and didn't come back to class after I'd finished it (yeah, the teacher thought we were going to come BACK to lecture AFTER a test? wtf???). Then of course I also had an ornithology take-home test of 21 essay questions due tomorrow, and wasn't really able to concentrate enough to do any of them until yesterday, because, hello, my puppy died :( I just half-assed them and am hoping for the best. Hopefully tomorrow's catching-birds field trip should help some with my mood and my inspiration for the class.

Also, hopefully I will get a letter tomorrow, goddammit!!!

Ugh. I think I'm actually going to go to bed early for once in my life. Maybe I'll get lucky and see the old Mindy romping through my dreams. Wish me luck. <3

I need to take better care of myself. Sunday night I got 5 1/2 hours of sleep, Monday night 5 hours of sleep, Tuesday night 5 1/2 hours of sleep, last night 5 1/2 hours... I just can't go under 6 for more than one night in a row and function properly, but I can't seem to make myself go to bed any earlier. Today I fell asleep several times in ornithology, and as soon as class was out I went into the biology lounge and laid down on a couch and slept for an hour.

I feel a bit better now but am still skipping my nutrition class because I don't feel like going is all that useful -- the Powerpoint lectures follow the book extremely closely and the professor covers the lectures with almost no deviation. The material is interesting but I could read the book and not miss anything. It's a little frustrating because I can tell the prof's quite intelligent and really knows her stuff, but I feel like she's dumbing it down. Which to be fair isn't exactly her fault; some of the people in that class are absolutely retarded. One girl was horrified at filling her water bottle out of a city bathroom tap because "the pipes are... like, dirty!" Professor: "Dirty how?" expecting the girl to say something about bacteria or minerals. Girl: "They're just... you know... dirty!" Professor (paraphrased): "Um, hi, this is the US, we don't get cholera here."

Yeah, some people are dumbasses. What's really scary is that the reason there's 250 people in that class is that so many people have to take it for nursing. ...I hope to God there are not nurses out there that are that moronic...

I think they lie when they say that REM sleep doesn't happen until 60-90 minutes in. I often dream during naps, I've even dreamed during 5-10 minute sleeps in class. (Once I thought my calculus teacher was a monster.) Today during my nap I dreamed that my coworkers and I were in a breakroom sitting on a couch and watching the news, and I called one of them, one of the new ones who's very sweet but also sassy, by her name. She was like, "OMG, and you DON'T need to call me my name anymore, Gina" and I'm like "WTF" and apparently she changed her name to some Chinese symbol of hope and then neglected to tell me and then got mad when I called her by the name she had been using before. Then a kindly sedentary black man was sitting on a couch knitting an orange and purple afghan with both needles and a Race for the Cure knitting loom (I don't know) and I showed him my knitting and he got all excited and gave me tons of tapestry needles and a loom of my own, along with some new knitting needles.

Take that, sleep researchers. Is it silly if I want to be in a REM study and see if my extraordinarily vivid dreams show up any differently on testing equipment than do others'? Maybe I have like 500 bajillion REM cycles a night, lol. Although I'm guessing the past couple of days I've woken up in Stage 4 sleep, explaining some of the grogginess/irritability. I felt much more refreshed after my nap when I woke up after receiving my free knitting gear. :-P

Anyway... yeah, I need to get more sleep. I think that's why I've been so down this week; that and worrying about vet school. I think I'll feel a lot better about it if the letter from Washington comes soon and I get in... that way I won't worry about whether or not Oregon is the only one to take me, and I'll know that even if I don't get into Western I'll have a plan. *crosses fingers* It'll also be nice to finally get the fuck out of my family's house. I'm sick of it. I want my own place with my own decorations and my own grocery list and my own set of quirky glassware and my own TV and my own schedule and my own use of my own money and yeah. I'm so done with living with them. -_-

I should probably go grab a snack before my ornithology lab. Alas, no field trip today, I think we're just doing measurements in preparation for capturing birds next week. Good times. Good times.

Dear Gina:

The Dean's Office and Admissions Committee have carefully reviewed your application for admission to the College of Veterinary Medicine at Oregon State University. I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected for an interview...

...We look forward to meeting you soon.

Sincerely,
Oregon State University
College of Veterinary Medicine

w00t!

Except... it's for literally a half hour before my interview for WSU. Let's see... can I do seven hours worth of driving in about 5 minutes to get from OSU to WSU... uh, NO. O_O So I'm going to have to call them on Monday. I've already paid for my hotel for WSU, and they gave me notice almost 2 weeks before OSU did, so they get first dibs, man!!! I really hope OSU is able to switch me to a Friday... a day I have absolutely no obligations so I don't have to miss any more school or work! I'm already missing 2 days of work and 2 days of school and having to turn things in early and take a test early and we probably won't even be able to see appointments at work during some of the time I'm gone because no one is free to cover for me... Fridays are free for me, people, work with me here!

Keep your fingers crossed for me for an interview Friday, February 15! That would get all my interviews done in a little over a week and then I wouldn't have to worry about them anymore :) Let's hope they're nice and understanding over there... *crosses fingers some more*

On the up side... hey! Three schools think I'm kind of awesome!!! <3

Some creepy man tried to get me to ride in his van with him tonight :-/

Quite literally, too. I was standing at the bus stop after work as I always do, tonight clutching a cheese quesadilla from the Taco Bell that's right there. Some hillbilly-looking white guy with a straggly gray beard and thick eyebrows pulled into the driveway of the Taco Bell lot in his large gray van but didn't go into a space, and I realized that he was staring at me and mouthing something through his open window. I stared rudely back and mimed not being able to hear, but made no other motion. Uh, hi, don't like talking to strangers, especially not strangers on Martin Luther King Boulevard after dark. He kept opening his mouth and I couldn't tell what he was saying. At last I thought, "Well, I may as well see what he's saying, so I can tell him to shut up and go away" and stepped forward, but stopped a good six feet away from his giant van so that he couldn't grab me through his window. I was still feeling pretty safe because it's very brightly lit there and it's on the corner of a very busy intersection that still had a healthy amount of traffic at 7:30 PM.

At last he was audible, barely. He said something about 72nd Avenue. "It's up there," I yelled back, gesturing east, thinking that he was asking for directions. He said something else. "What?" I asked, not moving an inch closer. If he wanted to talk to me, dammit, he needed to yell, 'cause I sure as shit wasn't moving any nearer to him.

"I'm going out that way," he said, "do you want me to give you a ride?"

I must have given him the most incredulous look in the world. We're talking eyes rolled to the maximum, mouth dropping open, eyebrows raised in sheer bafflement. "NO," I said, loudly and clearly with a tone of "the hell is your problem?". He smiled, nodded, and then drove off through the parking lot. To the back of his van I said, "Do you think I'm fucking RETARDED? What the hell???"

Eugh. It made me feel really creeped out. What the hell? How dare some asshole like that try and lure me in. Mind, it was about the most transparent way he could've done so, but Jesus Christ. True, anyone who did get in his car would have to be monumentally stupid or desperate, but that doesn't excuse any potential horrible things he'd most likely do to them. It made my skin feel crawly and it made me mad that some fucker saw a fairly attractive girl waiting alone for the bus and thought that somehow he could charm her into his rolling torture chamber to rape and murder. Because creepy creepy men getting close to their 50s do not offer rides in their vans to young, pretty women out of the goodness of their hearts. It pissed me off that anyone would look at me and even THINK that I could be taken in by something so transparent, so blatant, that I would just blithely say "Oh sure, I'd love a ride!" and hop right in to be violated. How dare you even think about making a victim out of me, motherfucker.

This was not helped by the girl I overheard earlier on the bus, talking to a guy she'd just met about parole. She offered up, "Well, I accidentally killed my best friend and I'm still on parole" totally nonchalantly to a perfect stranger and I'm like "WHOA, THE FUCK, WHO TALKS ABOUT THAT KIND OF SHIT ON THE FUCKING BUS YOU MURDERING HO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU." Then I was like "...she killed her best friend, that's probably PLENTY wrong with her." From how she was talking it was obvious that she knew the prison system quite well, so I doubt that it was idle boasting (and who the fuck would make that up to boast about?). Another thing that made my skin crawl today.

Overall, when it came to traveling, it was a rather alarming day today! :(

Edit: ...and I just know if I tell this story at work my bosses are going to insist on giving me a ride home for the second time this week... last night it was pouring rain and one of them insisted on giving me a ride home because I was there late after we had to unblock a cat at 5:30. Two weeks ago when the new owners arrived I stayed late the first night and they refused to let me finish my closing and forced me to not do the sweeping and mopping, lol. And now they have hired kennel techs to do the close so that hopefully, barring emergencies or something, we will all actually go home at 6 PM :-O 'course we have to train them, but still! It's crazy fun times now at work!

Ben's spring break: March 17-22.

My finals for winter term: March 20.

WHAT THE FUCK I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY PISSED RIGHT NOW WHAT THE FUCKING HELL FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SCHOOLS. FUCK YOU BOTH UP THE FUCKING ASS. I GET TO EITHER SPEND TIME WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND FAIL MY FINALS, OR USE THE TIME TO STUDY AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP FROM MARCH 17 TO MARCH 20 KNOWING HE'S ONLY 45 MINUTES AWAY AND WILL ONLY BE THERE FOR A FEW DAYS AND I CAN'T GO FUCKING SEE HIM BECAUSE I HAVE TO FUCKING STUDY.

Edit: Fuck it, I'm going to spend the whole time with him in Salem and make him and his friend go hang out alone a few hours a day and study then and then go back to Portland March 19 in the evening and then go back to Salem March 20 in the afternoon.

I hate that fucking school and I'm only going there to finish things for vet school, I do not fucking care about it and he is so much more important to me than that shithole.

...I am instead dreaming of teas. Excellent use of time, Gina.

one
two
three (I know, I know -- citrus? but I always like Mom's orange pekoe tea)
four (Really anything Earl Grey sounds awesome, and this one's got lavender!)
five
six
seven
eight
nine

...WANT.

(also, it feels like I'm totes ripping you off, Jorden, for posting about online tea-like objects in list form. haha, whoops. o_O they're my own tea choices, honest!)

Edit: And apparently my credit card company has decided to increase my credit line by another $2000. IT'S TEA TIME, BITCHES!

(not really. I still want to pay the damn thing off before spending more on it. I just thought it'd be funny to think of spending $2000 on tea. XD)

So uh... 25/50 on first molecular bio exam? WTF, not cool. And I can't figure out if that includes the non-Scantron part or not... and I'm not sure on the divisions for grades... and did I just fail that test? Goddamn! But maybe with the way he grades it'll be better? Looking at the class stats it says that there are 9 Ds and 139 Fs and no other grades... so obviously that can't really be right and maybe it's just the system being a fuckup and not knowing his actual grading method? Aaaaugh.

Edit: Prof clarified on discussion site -- the top score was 45 and 25/45 was 55% of that and he counts that as a C+. Whew!

I'm taking Intro to Molecular Bio, Intro to Genetics, and Cardio Kickboxing. LOL. It bumped me up to a half-time student so I went for it. Yay keeping student loan collectors off my back another quarter... :-P

Anywho, wish me luck tomorrow. And critique my poi comic, dammit! :-P

It's 24 days until Ben leaves for the University of Southern California, and an engineering degree to go with his physics degree. Mostly I'm just ignoring it and trying to enjoy the rest of the time I have left with him. But there's moments like tonight at my cousin Julie's birthday party, when I told her soon I would be having more time to spend with her and her sister because my boyfriend would be going 1500 miles away and I wouldn't be seeing him until Thanksgiving at the earliest... and I found myself almost tearing up, realizing that that sucks.

I'm not going to see him for three to four months at a time, and I'm scared to death. :( I love him so much. And this is going to be very, very hard.