(not that anyone here cares about Bioshock probably but oh well? I like spattering my fics all across the internets wheee)

Delirium Tremens

Fandom: Bioshock Infinite

Length: 2787 words, part 1/1

Spoilers: Ayup

Characters: Booker Dewitt, his parents, Anna Dewitt, Robert Lutece (very briefly)

Warnings: Severe alcoholism/alcohol dependency, violence, racism, language, emesis

Type: ANGST FUCK YEAH, flashbacks/hallucinations

Rating: R

Summary: Booker DeWitt struggles to end his alcoholism, but the resulting horrors may prove too difficult to face.

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Booker DeWitt stared blearily at a blank wall.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten. There was only a dull rumble in the area of his stomach to suggest that something was missing. His head throbbed more urgently, and he closed his eyes to avoid the double vision. His hand wrapped around the neck of an empty bottle.

This was it. He was done, fucking done, with alcohol. He was tired of the hip flask, heavy on his leg, that rested where he could keep another weapon. He was tired of the way it ate and ate at the little he managed to make. He had wanted another apartment for how many years? He was so goddamned tired of staring at these walls and remembering what used to be beyond them.

So he was finished with the acrid burn in his throat, and the bottles littering the dusty floor.

Booker sighed. He’d heard how bad it could get, letting the bottle go. He didn’t think it would be quite as bad for him – he was functional, he could still get a job done with how much he drank – but a thread of fear uncurled itself in the back of his mind. The fear of failure, familiar to him the way nothing else was these days.

He lurched to his feet and stumbled from his chair to the bedroom, pulling off his boots and shedding his clothes as he went. He flopped onto the bed, landing on his back, and his right hand came up to rest on his forehead. He closed his eyes to avoid seeing the AD stamped into his flesh. Maybe that was familiar to him, too.

The watch on the nightstand ticked accusingly. He shoved it to the side. Time to sleep. Morning might bring something better.

( He was a boy, again.Collapse )

Ben and I are engaged. *wibble*

( Read more...Collapse )

The past few days I have been feeling very disconnected and lonely at times. It has been puzzling to me, trying to figure out why.

It doesn't seem to be anything at work. Oh, sure, I still get stressed out by surgery and anesthesia, and I still second-guess myself at least once a day. But that's pretty standard for a newbie vet, and more importantly, I enjoy my job and the people I work with. I had a day where I felt like the angel of sadness (euthanized 3 pets in 24 hours, told an old lady her dog could have a brain tumor) and that's sad, but that's also quite bearable.

It doesn't seem to be anything with Ben. I love him, and we've been doing some really fun things lately -- new nerdy board games, seeing movies, going to a museum, going out with friends. We've been tired, but happy to see each other. I just got back from Florida from a veterinary conference -- I saw 37 species of bird at the hotels we were at, and went to Harry Potter land!!! -- and it was lovely to see him again after a few days away, so things seem to be going well there.

The problem seems to be internal. Part of it I think is feeling disconnected from my body. I have not figured out how to go to work and how to also work out. I'm so tired when I get home, as it's a 45 minute drive back. And I stay up until midnight every night so that I can spend some time with Ben, so getting up early to work out seems impossible. My body feels heavy and ill-fitting and unlovely. I'm not even as heavy as I was in parts of vet school -- still fitting my size 10s -- but only barely, it seems. I feel tired of eating big meals and having alcohol multiple nights a week but then when given the opportunity I always indulge, I feel as if I 'deserve' it. I don't like that. I should probably start using LoseIt! again to track my food but I feel guilty and ashamed at the idea.

I also feel guilty and ashamed about my picking. It's nowhere near as bad as it used to be but nor I am doing as good a job as halting the habit as I was when I was in therapy. I've backslid somewhat and it pains me to realize there's a scab on my head or a picked zit on my face or a pulled-out hair in my hand. I feel like I am a bad person because of this.

I know that my level of fitness and my current success or failure with my dermatillomania and trichotillomania do not define me. I know it, I know it, I know it. But it still feels like this nagging wound, this shameful shadow on me.

I feel disconnected from my individual hobbies. I did really well with crafting this break but Ben and I are still working out how to do individual things when living together. We have one room for introvert space but it's not set up well, and so we end up spending our time together in the living room, in which case we do stuff together instead of introvert things. I need to get back to my writing, my drawing, blogging, photo editing.

Is that everything? Maybe. It seems so small. It just feels like there is something I should be doing, something I should be trying to feel, and I don't know what it is. I don't know.

And it's a bummer to know there is hardly anyone on LJ who will see this anyway!

Ben and I had our first official Christmas together -- making ourselves the priority first, with family being second. We had to celebrate it early as he did go home for Christmas, so we opened our gifts to each other on the 22nd, cozy in our little apartment decorated with paper garlands, mini trees, wreaths, ornaments and cards. I had told Ben in advance that I loved wrapping gifts so if he ordered stuff for me from Amazon, I'd be happy to wrap the boxes instead of him having to do it, lol. So he hatched this nefarious plan. He pulled out three large boxes a day or two before our Christmas, that were plain giant Amazon boxes that said "To Gina from Ben" scrawled in sharpie with one measly bow on them. I huffed and said I wanted pretty packages under our tree, so I wrapped them while Ben dissolved into laughter. He finally convinced me to open one of them and sure enough, there were several small Amazon boxes in the larger one, which I then wrapped.

On Christmas morning I set out about unwrapping the remaining large boxes, only to be stymied again when inside of them were smaller presents ALREADY WRAPPED! It was the same case for the smaller boxes I had wrapped the night before -- wrapped presents inside them as well! He had wrapped everything individually, and then put them in larger boxes that I would be tempted to wrap myself, just to prank me. What an ass! We died laughing. XD Despite my cold and nasty laryngitis it was an awesome Christmas, as his presents to me turned out to be art supplies and TONS of nerdy board games good for 2 player games (we both love board games, but it's hard to find ones that are really fun for 2). So we spent the rest of our weekend together learning how to play Carcassone, a space card game, and Agricola :-D But there are still several games left to learn! I'm so excited for the next year :) Ben also loved his presents, fancy socks, a pizza cutter (FINALLY), candy, and a 15-movie set of Alfred Hitchcock films on Blu-Ray :)

Ben left for Oregon on the 23rd, but I've been having fun on my own, watching Hell's Kitchen (which my boss works on, as a cameraman when he's not helping our vet clinic with technology), knitting up a storm including a scarf for Charlotte the kitty, drawing, cooking, watching A Christmas Story and Elf, and having a spa morning with a LUSH bath bomb and face mask. Aw yeah! Also had some lovely time chatting with Ben and his parents, and then everyone in my family as well.

So yes, despite being sick this has been a really wonderful Christmas. :)

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
Traveled alone overseas. Graduated veterinary school. Got a job as a real live veterinarian, and had plenty of firsts associated with that - first tail amputation, first cystotomy (bladder stone removal), first euthanasia, first inguinal hernia, first "my" clients, etc.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't really make any. For next year I would like to try and get back into exercising more.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Ireland, England, France, Italy :-D

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Savings. Some small investments. An engagement ring :-P At least one run a week.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I suppose May 17, for graduating vet school :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Traveling abroad alone - oh my god, so terrifying, but so much fun. Graduating vet school. Becoming a vet. There's a bit of repetition in some of these answers, ha.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Possibly the case that I thought was just an abscess in the skin, but it turned out to be a migrating barbecue skewer the dog had eaten that had stabbed through its side and made the abscess. I almost sent the dog home before realizing the skewer was there. We ultimately euthanized because the owners did not want to put her through surgery, but I can't imagine how awful I would have felt if they had discovered the skewer at home!!! The other would be the dog whose canine tooth I tried to extract and failed at :(

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I have a cold right now, boo.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Tickets to Dublin, Cambridge, London, Paris, Venice, Florence, Rome :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ben for being there for me throughout all of my traveling and job hunting and travails as a new vet. I was pretty excited by my own behavior of getting counseling for my skin-picking and hair-pulling, as I now have beautiful nails and am able to leave those things alone so much better now.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My family had a pretty rough year. My aunt persists in being a huge bitch (she's living with her new boyfriend out in Montana but isn't decent enough to grant my uncle a divorce; and she barely sees her 14-year-old daughter, who she left), my dad had two breakdowns this year, Richie hasn't been able to hold down a job, and Sean persists in being volatile and terrifying in his anger.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, student loans, travel.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
TRAVELING, also, being a real vet! And I did NaNoWriMo successfully this year :)

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
"Wordless Chorus," My Morning Jacket. Ben and I went through a rough patch in February AND we were apart that month, but we stayed close partially by listening to the same music together and then discussing it later.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? About the same.
iii. richer or poorer? Significantly richer! I have to pay student loans but I still have a real salary.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Crafting, running, birding, getting out of the house.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I sort of regret the mindless TV I've been watching, but also still enjoy it, so I can't feel too guilty about it.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Ben and I are having an early Christmas on the 22nd; he'll be going home to visit his folks. I will do a Christmas bird count on the day of Christmas :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?
No, but I stayed in love :)

22. How many one-night stands?
Zero! Even in dreams I'm disgustingly monogamous.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Didn't watch much new. Parks and Recreation is my only currently running favorite show. Everything else has been caught up on Netflix. We watched Quantum Leap and Frasier all the way through this year and LOVED them!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

25. What was the best book you read?
Ugh, have done so little reading. The Hunger Games trilogy really got me going.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I got pretty into Pink Floyd while I was in England, it was fitting.

27. What did you want and get?
A job as a veterinarian, and an amazing travel experience :)

28. What did you want and not get?
Engaged, lol.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I enjoyed Sinister quite a bit, though it had a number of flaws. The Hunger Games was probably the best film I saw all year. Shame was excellent but horrifying, don't think I could watch it again.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28, and we finished Quantum Leap.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having a better handle on anxiety.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Layers, layers, layers.

33. What kept you sane?
Ben, Mom, hobbies.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy. Yes, still.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage, access to birth control

36. Who did you miss?
Mom, Portland friends, Ben (when I was abroad)

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I like my coworkers an awful lot. I enjoyed the random people I met overseas.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain. (Frank Herbert, Dune)

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
From Wordless Chorus... "Aaaaaaaaah, aaaaaaaah ahhhh ahhhh..." LOL!

My dad is back in the hospital again, I guess. Richie, my little brother, did something dumb but minor; my dad struck him in the face and tried to keep beating him up. Richie hit him back to get away from him. My mom was there and I don't know if Dad made a threatening move toward her or what but Richie said that if Dad tried to hurt Mom, Richie would go get a knife from the kitchen and stab Dad. This was all outside and the neighbors called the police. The police came and didn't take Dad to the hospital, what the fuck. You have a mentally ill person with a history of psychosis who is hitting his grown child. Seems like that person should probably be taken to the hospital and evaluated! Richie left the house and I guess later Mom took Dad to the hospital herself. I've been trying to call Mom but she hasn't answered. I guess she's staying with my grandma tonight.

I wish I was there.
I wish mental illness didn't fucking exist.
I wish I wasn't worried now about whether Dad will ever be safe at home again and I hate that Mom feels like she has to bear the entire burden of Dad's health.
Fuck.

As for the bad news in my life, my dad has been hospitalized for the past week on suicide watch, thanks to his bipolar disorder. This is the first time he's been suicidal in 14 years -- half my lifetime. We're all reeling.

( Processing.Collapse )

So if you have any words, or thoughts, or prayers for me... please let me hear them. Maybe that will help a little too.

It's been quite a while since I've visited you, LJ my friend.  Life has been good the past several months.  Some of the highlights:

- Um, well, there was that whole going to IRELAND and ENGLAND and FRANCE and ITALY thing!  For the first 5 weeks away I was entirely on my own, studying neurology in Cambridge at the Royal Veterinary College, but also hitting up Dublin and taking my veterinary boards in London.  It was an astonishing feat of perseverance, considering the vast levels of anxiety I felt during much of the Point A to Point B portions.  It wasn't quite at panic attack levels, I've never had one of those, but there were tears and shaking and gutaches and FEARFEARFEAR blaring in my mind.  But I made it through, and enjoyed the pants off myself.  Well, not literally.  But it was fucking fantastic.  And I kept a promise to myself to write a travel journal/scrapbook (cleverly bringing gluesticks with me from home), and I filled an entire Moleskine journal from start to finish.  The journey, the memories, the photos, and the journals are things that I will treasure for the rest of my life.  It was truly wonderful.

- I have a job!  There were two months of aimless searching and hoping, sending out resumes, going on a couple interviews, trying to recuperate from the last 4 years of school I will ever do (well, probably).  Being at home was both great -- I did a lot of watercolor, started exercising again, made it through all of Frasier, and enjoyed picking up Neopets again for some reason -- and terrible, feeling worthless and aimless.  But now I have a job.

- The job is good.  There's a few bumps as always, but overall I really like the people, it's a good atmosphere, and there's room to explore things like exotics and holistic medicine.  I have already had a technician tell me (just out of the blue) that I was a great vet, based on how I explained things to the client concerning their dog with seizures.  I've also had many clients start asking me how often I'll be in the office, or say that they look forward to seeing me again.  I still hate surgery, and need to rediscover my skillz I learned at the Oregon Humane Society, but other than that I feel fairly confident in myself.  And having money?  FUCK YES THIS IS AWESOME.  I now make about 4 times what I used to as a veterinary assistant.  So, damn.

- Ben and I are doing really well.  Being in Europe was fantastic but I did miss him terribly.  Now that I'm back we're working on maintaining a good balance of individual time + sharing each other's hobbies + doing things we both enjoy, together.  We had some rough patches this winter but we've come through them closer than ever.  We still are ridiculously schmoopy, a fact which likely surprises no one.

- I've started therapy for my hairpulling and skin picking.  I've only had a few sessions so far but already I am being a little more mindful of my picking and my hands and face are getting the chance to heal.  For now to save money I'm going to go every other week only.  I think it's a good idea.  At first I thought maybe I was being silly for going in for a problem that's fairly minor, but now I feel like it's a good decision to learn skills to deal with it during a low ebb of the illness, instead of waiting until things are at their worst and my anxiety is higher.  Easier to learn things when I'm calmer.  So I'm proud of myself for that.  The other point is that there is specifically a center for trichotillomania and dermatillomania here in Los Angeles, and I think I'd be foolish not to take advantage of that while I can.

- I'm doing pretty well at exercising at least twice a week.  I'd prefer to be a few pounds lighter and more muscular again, but I'm very happy to just be keeping the habit of doing some form of activity on a regular basis.  The Zombies, Run! app for the iPhone is helping me tremendously in terms of getting back on the running horse.

- I didn't watch the Olympics every night, but when I did, it was awesome to watch it on our big screen TV, and we even caught some of the 3D coverage, which was awesome.  

....Note... I wrote this post several days ago, LJ ate it, I came back to try and recover it... and LJ didn't have it up until today.  WTF.  So I'm posting this now, and then I'm also posting the bad news that I have.  If anyone is still around to read it, that is.

Everyone's like OMG IT'S SO AMAZING YOU'RE GOING TO EUROPE

Which yes, it absolutely is, but right now I am shaking in my boots and my stomach hurts and I want to pull out all of my hair.  I'm so nervous about getting lost.  What if I lose my passport somehow?  What if I miss a flight or a train?  What if I spend way too much while I live in England or travel in France and Italy and have no money left to live on by graduation, when I have no job prospects yet?  Oh and there was that part a few weeks ago where I was a complete naive idiot and lost several hundred dollars by getting scammed when trying to find a flat in England, so I'm still ashamed of that/angry at all that money I lost/pissed I didn't trust my intuition/terrified it will happen again in some respect, that I'll go into the wrong part of a city or get mugged or just plain forget and lose something.  Oh and my cat Tiger was put to sleep last week.  Oh and I'm graduating vet school and trying to make it out into the real world.

WHEN THE FUCK I HAVE EVER BEEN SO ANXIOUS I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Okay.  Well... I'm going.  So I just have to fucking deal with it.  I think I will largely love it while I'm there... as long as I don't get horribly horribly lost ;_;