{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lipps27","title":"Just me. Lipps","subtitle":"If you don't like what you see, Fuck you :P","author":{"name":"lipps27"},"link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/data\/atom"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"service.feed","type":"application\/x.atom+xml","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/data\/atom","title":"Just me. Lipps"}}],"updated":"2020-06-07T19:31:04Z","entry":[{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lipps27:1673","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/1673.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=1673"}}],"title":"Hi","published":"2012-02-22T15:35:50Z","updated":"2012-02-22T15:35:50Z","category":[{"@attributes":{"term":"personal"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"random"}}],"content":"Hi,<\/span>

just letting you know I'm still alive. I'll be temporarily moving to UK before starting back at school next summer semester. I'm leaving this Saturday. I'm still reading my favorite fandoms though the activity, especially in QaF, is small...hope it will pick up again. Wish you all well...<\/span>

Lipps<\/span>
"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lipps27:1297","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/1297.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=1297"}}],"title":"Something everybody needs to see...","published":"2011-12-02T02:30:15Z","updated":"2011-12-02T02:30:15Z","content":"Hi, so...I know I don't post much, I'm more of a reader myself but I couldn't NOT post this video I found through one of my friends on facebook. I don't know if there is many people who haven't seen it yet but in case you're one of them, just watch it! I think that you probably saw it already since I have so many friends here from fandoms like QaF or J2 but this is one of those things you see and have to tell other people about, just in case someone actually wasn't aware of it. i'm no extremist or whatever, I don't organize pep rallies etc. but I do help a cause I believe in when someone asks me or I found myself in the situation. Just because I'm not active doesn't mean I ignore...Watch and sign and hope to God that people will finally pull there heads out their asses and realize that gay or straight or bisexual, transsexual or whatever, has nothing to do with personality or any other bullshit. We are, who we are and as I like to say, if you don't like it, fu*k you!<\/span><\/span>




"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lipps27:1265","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/1265.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=1265"}}],"title":"Just needed to share I guess...don't know what it is but here it is...","published":"2011-06-09T00:08:16Z","updated":"2011-06-09T00:08:16Z","category":[{"@attributes":{"term":"lipps27"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"non-fic"}}],"content":"I just needed to write so I wrote what I was thinking about...


I AM NOT GOING TO CRY! I AM NOT GOING TO CRY! I AM NOT GOING TO CRY!

   I say that to myself over and over again, like a mantra that can somehow save me. I want to believe that if I tell myself enough times I might start to actually believe it. I have to. And it does help, eventually. It takes a few minutes but the tears stop and the lump in my throat starts to clear and I can breathe, and I grit my teeth against the pain in my chest and just like that I’m me again. That me that doesn’t feel anything, that me that doesn’t care about what he says or what he does and forgets about anything ever happened in the morning. But this time I don’t just stop and forget and let it be and I don’t take the razor blade and I don’t let it all pour out of me in another clean cut. This time, something finally shifts in me or maybe just falls into place, the way it was supposed to and I swear to myself that no one, NO ONE, will ever be able to hurt me. I won’t let it. I will not let myself be fooled so that someone can break my heart into million pieces. Even HE cannot do that. Yes, it hurts and sometimes I want to curl in a ball and disappear in the tears and the pain and the self-loathing and hate he brings in me and other times I want to scream and punch him and hurt him and yell and give in to that rage. That raw and pure wrath that is in me, instead of a kindness and innocence, that eats at me every day but especially at those nights when he comes home drunk and he blames me for everything she did and everything he didn’t do and has to do and everything I am not able to. I learned to fake sleep and I learned to be brave enough to stay awake but nothing prepares me for what comes. No amount of reassurance that I don’t care, that he doesn’t mean it or that it isn’t my fault makes it better. Makes the sting in my eyes go away and stops my heart from aching. But he can’t break me. No one can and no one ever will. For him to break my heart I would have to love him, and even though he is my father, and yes, I know how much he sacrificed for us when she left, it still doesn’t make it alright. Yes, sometimes, in good times, which are incredibly rare, I like him. Most of the times I sort of acknowledge him and the rest of the time I hate him with all my heart and all my soul and my entire mind and all my body. My heart can’t be broken because...I wanted to say because it’s not his or anyone’s to break but I think it’s because I don’t really have one. I feel.... empty.

   I know I never loved. Not really. And I know I have never been loved either. I know, or at least I think I know, how love should feel like, suppose to feel like and I haven’t felt it. I had crushes as a teenager and I suppose I still do, that’s natural, and even though at the time I thought it was love I know now it wasn’t. And when he says all the hateful things he wants and finally decides to go to sleep I breathe and it stops. And that’s it. It should hurt more, right? Or longer? I should cry myself to sleep and wake up in the morning with the memory of what happened and it should hit me again but it doesn’t. I breathe through it and I stop aching and I go to sleep or when I can’t sleep I read, or watch a TV Show or like now, write. And then I fall asleep and wake up in the morning and pretend that nothing happened. Is that good or bad? What kind of person am I when I can get up in the morning and act normal? I remember one particularly hard night; it was, 3 years ago? And I remember crying ‘till four in the morning when I probably passed out from exhaustion and then I woke up at seven, went to school and acted normal. Didn’t feel a thing. It didn’t hurt. I<\/em> didn’t hurt and in the middle of a geography test I wondered what is wrong with me that I can be here laughing with my friend over the stupid questions I don’t know answers to and not feel like shit because of all the things he said. All those things that made my cry and want to just die at the time did nothing to me now. I didn’t forgive him. I never will. Yet, I feel detached from him all the time except when I need to be detached. Then it hurts. The rest of the time I play my role. I go to school, I laugh and joke and act like I don’t worry about anything and the scariest thing of all – I don’t. I don’t worry because I know it will happen again. I know that I will be holding my breath when I open the door and I will pray that he’s home already and not drinking again. I’m going to hope that maybe this time, just this once I will come home and he will be there, sober and making dinner for me and he’ll smile at me and asks me how my day was and tells me he’s proud of me I got another A or that I did something good – and I know that it will not happen. That I’ll open the door and be disappointed and curse myself for again even thinking, even wishing for one single second that this time it would be different because I know it won’t. Never was and never will be. And then the next day I hold my breath when I open the door.

Never was, never will be.<\/div><\/span>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:lipps27:641","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/641.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/lipps27.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=641"}}],"title":"Hi","published":"2011-04-19T23:48:01Z","updated":"2011-04-20T00:07:15Z","category":[{"@attributes":{"term":"first comment"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"lipps27"}}],"content":"Hi,

so, I'm new here. I mean, I read a lot of fanfic over the past few weeks, but I haven't start my own journal, yet. I write sometimes, but I'm totally new in fanfic world, so I'm just trying to look around. I'm a major Brian\/Justin fan, so if I'll post something, it's definitely gonna be about them. :)  I am not sure if I'll be actually able to produce something worth reading, but if there happens to be something interesting for you, please leave a comment. Even if it suck, and not in a positive, life-affirming way, let me know. Every feedback is greatly appreciated. :) I have yet a lot to learn about how it works here so...


Anyway, hope I'll find some great friends here and expect some archenemies as well :D


P.S: I could use a beta, I'm not native so my english is definitely not perfect. If there is anyone interested, let me know please. It would be greatly appreciated. And since I'm only starting to write, I could use all the help I can. Thx :)"}]}