I really really miss them, I look forward for their calls but there is nothing like actually seeing them.................... my sister just woke up to hug me, boy I really love that girl.
when I turned 18 I danced at a club all night, when I turned 19 I got drunk and last year I got drunk and hooked up with a guy, those kind of things helped me get my mind off the fact that they were not here.
But I´m lucky the ones who really keep me sane and know me better than anyone are here with me, so happy birthday to me. <\/strong>","comments":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/2225.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1966.html","pubDate":"Fri, 01 Aug 2008 05:21:54 GMT","author":"leiram81","link":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1966.html","description":"I\u00b4m a good listener, but I\u00b4m not good at talking, that is really bad because I dont really talk, most of the times I dont need to. but the few times that I do I crash.
Today is one of those days and like all the times it is about unresolved issues with my dad, someone once told me that one of my biggest problems is that I have an absent father figure, not totally true, but somehow it is. My dad has neves been expresive, he has never told me that he loves me or that he thinks Im pretty, thats ok, I\u00b4ve learned how to read him and I dont need to hear that, but that I can handle that doesn\u00b4t mean that I can handle all the mean things he tells me, I try not to let them get to me, but eventually and at some point they do.
he tells me I\u00b4m very fat, every single fuckin day, he tells me I should never have ideas of my own because if I do I\u00b4ll only do stupid things, he tells me that I alwasy fuck up somehow and he never ever gives in for something that is important to me. He is not a bad person, he is very difficult and tends to make really hurtful comments. I know he loves me, but the thing is that I dont believe he likes me or even respects me, the worst part is that it is mutual now.
The most awful thing is that my brother (who I adore and is one my best friends; that is why this hurts so much) is startig to act like that, making demeaning comments about me and sometimes to my mother, and what really gets to me is that my dad doesnt do anything he just sits there ignoring everything or simply walks out of the room. That happened today and I just lost it, I \u00b4m actually crying right now and I called nearly hysterical to one of my best friends who luckily is in the city. My mom caught me crying and the look in her face broke my heart, when it comes to my dad she just lets him be and tells me to not mind him, but today it was different, she promised me she would talk to him and I think it is because she saw it in my face, that they have both let me down. She even asked me not to beleive that but I know she knows I do, and it sucks because I Iove her and I dont want her to go through this cause I\u00b4m pretty sure it will be horrible for her. But I just cant stand it anymore him doing whatever he wants no matter who he hurts and not giving a shit if my brother is doing that too, a really selfish part of me is glad that she is finally speaking up, considering that my dad neves has and probably never will.
Maybe it is because we are a big disappointment to him, sometimes I cant help but think that, I know Im not perfect but I dont know why. Whenever I try to involve him and make him do something about the way me brother treats me, not just me but my mom too he tells me that I earned it because I spoiled my brother and indulged him and that I made him that way, HELLO I\u00b4m his younger sister, I\u00b4m 20 and he is 25 who the fuck raised him? I think that is why I feel he is absent, he doesn\u00b4t want to be the one who raised us, he doesnt want to see that according to him he failed raising us, so he just claims that he has nothing to do with that.
Fuck I feel so stupid, I know I should be stronger and tougher and have a thicker skin. I know Im twenty and I should be better than that, I should be the kind of girl who doesnt care what her father thinks, but Im not and that makes me feel almost disgusted with myself. How sad, I feel guilty for wanting more.
I know he loves me that\u00b4s why it feels so horrible not loving him back sometimes.","comments":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1966.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1674.html","pubDate":"Fri, 18 Jul 2008 16:41:27 GMT","title":"I\u00b4m so happy!!!!","author":"leiram81","link":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1674.html","description":"I\u00b4m finally on vacation, and I\u00b4m so happy, I will sleep and sleep and sleep and then sleep some more. And ugh... well I guess I\u00b4ll also get up to excercise with my brother but not so happy about that. But really I\u00b4m so happy, I was about to collapse cause I was so tired of people and all the things I had to do, I do love my job and I chose the right thing to dedicate my life to but that doesn\u00b4t mean that I don\u00b4t get tired and frustrated, I\u00b4m just so glad that I have a very needed break.
Oh right!!! last weekend I went to the only gay club in this city and I had a blast, could\u00b4ve been better considering three guys hit on me and tha only girl I tried to hit on to kind of blew mi off, but its ok it still was lots and lots of fun. Except this annoying guy, he was 18, ugly and did not know how to be subtle, I kept telling him \"Im gay kid so just give it up\" (not totally true but I didnt go there to flirt with guys) and he wouldnt get the fucking message, at one point he grabed my hand and guided it to his dick, that was it for me I pushed him and told him to fuck off, I was trying to be nice but he crossed a line with that action, fortunatly some guys I had just met were really cool and helped me to get rid of him.
that was it, not so much going on in my life other than work and the sporadic hangover.
bye!!<\/p>","comments":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1674.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1471.html","pubDate":"Thu, 01 May 2008 18:20:57 GMT","title":"NEWFOUND RESPECT","author":"leiram81","link":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1471.html","description":"last week I started my social service, I have to complete 500 hours of free service using my limited knowledge of the law, and I\u00b4m so damn exhausted. I have newfound respect towards people who work and study cause it is fkn hard, I\u00b4m so tired and I feel like I have time for nothing anymore, I love what I am doing of course, but I am still tired and I feel preassured cause people talk to me like I\u00b4m the answer to their prayers and I know everything they need to make things right.
on top of all that, I am sick so I feel like shit and I can\u00b4t sleep cause my stomach hurts so much, whatever that is not important.
the hardest thing to do in the worl is painting your nails.","comments":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1471.html?view=comments#comments"},{"guid":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1093.html","pubDate":"Thu, 10 Apr 2008 05:02:15 GMT","title":"SO DAMN UNFAIR!!!","author":"leiram81","link":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1093.html","description":"this saturday is going to be the COCA COLA ZERO FEST in Mexico City and I am so pissed cause I won\u00b4t be able to go.
it\u00b4s all my sister\u00b4s boyfriend fault, his parents are having their vows renewed and we were both invited, yeah he totally likes me, but of course the ceremony is on the same day the concert is going to be.
I mean come on!!! this is awful, this other festival VIVE LATINO, is the day that my best friend\u00b4s sister is getting married and of course I am invited. I cant catch a brake. I was really looking forward to go to those concerts.
there\u00b4s another coca cola zero fest in guadalajara, but not all the same bands will be there. I won\u00b4t be able to see smashing pumpkins, la gusana ciega and ely guerra cause they wont be performing in guadalajara. And I really love them!!!!!
this sucks!!!!
","comments":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/1093.html?view=comments#comments","category":"my sucky day"},{"guid":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/921.html","pubDate":"Sun, 06 Apr 2008 06:40:27 GMT","title":"Hello again","author":"leiram81","link":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/921.html","description":"Hi! It\u00b4s me again. First of all I want to thank everyone who replyed to my entry, that was aswesome and made me feel incredibley welcome, so thank you very very much. To the ones who offered help, I might need it, cause like I said I have an ongoing battle with computers and internet.
Anyway more about me. Actually I\u00b4m going to talk about my day. It was ok except for a comment that upset me.
One of my sister\u00b4s best friend is going to therapy, her mom sent her cause she is dating a girl. That made me laugh, I wasn\u00b4t exactly upset about that. Is just that one of her friends told her that she should reconsider this cause there would be a lot of consecuences and that probably her family wouldn\u00b4t feel comfortable leaving her with her little nieces cause they would think shit.
Firs of all, being gay, or in her case bisexual like me can\u00b4t me \"reconsidered\" or whatever he meant, is something that just is and is beyond our control. Second, it is really frustrating that people think that because you are attracted by someone who happens to be the same sex that you, you are some sort of molester.
Anyway that got me thinking, cause also one of her friends is avoiding her and being weird and shit.
So, Is this how it is going to be? I come out and everyone is going to forget or overlook who I am and just focus on what sex I\u00b4m attracted to? It sucks, cause thoug being bisexual is part of who I am, it is not all of me. I\u00b4m a lot more than that. It is scary that my friends and people who I\u00b4ve become close to are going to ignore all of the \"things\" that make me, like the fact that I\u00b4m a bitch, a goog listener, brutally honest, passionate, kind of agressive, supportive, non judgmental, confident and stubborn as hell.
The idea that all of tha sudden all of that will disappear and not be important is terrifying, and that instead of all of that I\u00b4m just going to be Mariel, bisexual girl. Is like everything else, that I\u00b4ve worked damn hard to become, will no longer be important. When is who I am.
I know a little bit anguish, I just needed to unwind.
till the next time.
MARIEL ","comments":"https:\/\/leiram81.livejournal.com\/921.html?view=comments#comments","category":"kind of ranting"}]}}