FRAGMENTS OF A TEXTUAL BODY

Well the reading Sunday went well. I read all my poems for Thomas in the order I wrote them and I narrated the relationship as I read the poems. It was therapeutic, and the audience seemed to enjoy the self-disclosure. I think next time I'll read all my peoms to David in a row. And Edric and Brad.

I SOLD 5 CHAPBOOKS AT THE READING!!!!!!!!!

Then I went out to eat with Chris, Lynette, and Dave who I know from the Border's readings and Geoff and Stazja. Stazja and I discussed how much we miss subterranean digs events--she knows a lot of important people in the poetry realm. Really. She invited me to go to Austin with her for the big poetry festival they have in April, and she said she'd get me some poetry reading gigs. That's a serious offer, too. I totally appreciate her help. My judgement after spending a little time with her is that she is crazy, but not anymore than most creative people I know. I did have to be careful of exactly what I said, but she respected my poetry and my opinion during the conversations at the table, which means a lot to me, a 21 year old academic.

And now what I actually logged on to discuss, Geoff. The more time I spend with him the better I like him. I am sorry that I let my friends sway me away from him, and I was also concerned about my parents since he's quite a bit older, but oh my goodness Sunday and Saturday both I totally enjoyed being around him. I know everything about him being weird is true, but his personality--I think Thursday night was an exception to his normal self, because you get to know someone pretty well being together from 8:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m. the next day, and then together again from 3:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., and I was not annoyed with him, and I didn't get tired of him. I know how to handle his weirdness, let's say. I mean he's interested in metaphysics and tarot cards and the grotesque and paganism, but if you look at the meaning behind the obscure things he says, he's using shock to teach us how close our normative activities and beliefs are to those things we typically shun.

So when he'd say something off the wall, I'd relate it to something else and incorporate it into the conversation as if he'd mentioned anything instead of acting disgusted.

And there's something beautiful about the way he relates to other people. He kept cool and was helpful when Leslie had a bit of coar trouble and went ballistic, and he actually has a healthier perpective toward the world than I do. Most people do, though. Like in my poem, "TWA FLight 342,"

3,000 feet in the sky
and I think he'd fight harder than I if we crash
into the red rocky ravine

and the guy in that poem is a basic disinfranchised male like Geoff. I am so attracted to men who don't partake of patriarchal power.

So I wanted to call him last night, but I b-p'd instead. I had to atone, and punishing myself by the toilet is easier than making a phone call that I might regret. Plus this is the way it almost always goes for me. I have to run away and then look back and then write some poetry and feel like I'm going to burst, and then I find someone else to do it over with again and again.

So am I still happy like I said the other day? More or less, I still stand by the resolution not to dwell on things I can't change.

And I am just a glutton for pain, and I must have a self-destructive character. Plus I was kind of thinking economically and by attractiveness I could "do better," but who knows what a better looking wealthier guy will be like for almost 2 days straight after I hurt his feelings?

I guess I'll say Geoff is like John Beedon, although John is better looking, he's 33 and still living off his parents and a genius, but not willing to get a job that would suit his capabilities because he wants to be free. He's working with his brother temporarily, and dealing with alcoholism and making art and trying to find something stable. They've got a scale in thier minds that they judge everything by, and it's not based on society, but it's something they've figured out through experience, and that's what attracts me to them.

I want to know what they know, because they seem to have pulled through the kind of mental slump I'm in, and they did it themselves just by choosing to live and be themselves and being ok with that.