FRAGMENTS OF A TEXTUAL BODY

Ok, well I am a screw-up. LAst night I stayed up until 3:45, wrote some new poems and painted some. I went to Atomic, but it was closed. Guess that happened while I was gone, but that wasn't a source of anxiety. Before I talked over an hour with Geoff. Good conversation.

But there was something else going on just in the undercurrents of my consciousness,

and today I binged and purged again already, and it's just afternoon. I really wanted to cut off an ear like Van Gough. Honestly I was eating popcorn for lunch standing in the kitchen munching straight out of the bowl, which is not something you do with company, but not a sign of what came next. I popped 4 huge bowls and ate them all, and I just knew what I was going to do about it. The whole time I just had this symphony of words crashing around my head in terms of expectations and regrets, unsaid things, scraps of poems and stories I keep meaning to write, ideas for too many things,

and so I escaped in the only way I know. To crunch harder and harder and then to go in the bathroom and hear nothing but but the gag and spashing water.

This is what happens to creative educated women.

Quilla avoided me during all this, and I am not sure what she's thinking (obviously), but I am thinking aobut my friend who's an alcoholic, Andy*, who told me he thinks self-abuse really is a deterioration of the mind caused by loss of time when our consciousnesses are being sucked up by something metaphysical.

That jives with my experience today.

Basically I want to quit needing

I know it's not coincidental that this started up with my conversations with Geoff starting up. This has nothing to do with him individually, although perhaps I have some hidden sex anxiety that might manifest itself this way.

Also nothing started up. I'm just giving into the drives I've been fighting off for the past month. Again I see no reason not to to shove my whole head in that porcelain mouth and let the plumbing god suck my brain through my nose, and to the baking soda balm of mouth sores I go

Of course I control what I do. Every action is a choice I make, but some people don't find themselves facing the decisions a bulimic faces after chewing and swallowing--it is not certain whether or not the food must stay in there

not good

Tonight Rebecca and I had sushi. Just after she got here John Beedon called, and I was feeling good anyway, because Rebecca's so refreshing, and he was being thoughtful, and his laugh just sends me several spheres above my immediate chaos anyway, and plus her good karma and his good feelings, I felt calmed down from my earlier entry, and had a really pleasant evening.

SHe has the most interesting friends, and they have interesting problems. What's so interesting, though, is never the specifics, but it's her spin on them. She also listened to my poems, and we talked some about Geoff.

I'll see him Sunday at the poetry slam Stazja hosts in St. Pete at Joffrey's(for all interested in going to or knowing the details of the event)and I guess I'll see.

Something I notice about Rebecca and Geoff (who both know an incredible amount of philosophy) is that these things I think of don't sound crazy to them. What a relief that rejecting the patrirchal life and perspective I was raised in doesn't forfeit me to an alien void. I actually find the most satisfying relationships with people when I find something in a deep level we connect with.

John Beedon is like this, too. I miss him. I could go into a swoon just thinking about him. He knows it. He called me today.

Poor Pog. Sunday night Michelle asked me what I'd have him say to me if it's be anything. I'd have her him tell me what's wrong with me. All I figure is distance and the improbablility that our lives will lead us to the same space in time, but I think he's also thinking I'm just too something or not enough something, and I want to know. Dammit I ought to just ask him.

The silence is deafening to eyes who couldn't respond if they heard anything anyway.

I am 100% feeling better. Colleen says, "breathe." I am. In and out I am.