Books

Mental Health Matters: How I Healed Myself: What the Experts Have Told Me (PART III)

~ kegarland ~ 39 Comments

Sometimes, I get pushback from lay people about the idea of self-healing/self-therapy. There are a few implications:

  1. Everyone needs a mental healthcare professional to guide them through a process of healing or life, in general.
  2. I am not equipped to figure out how to resolve my childhood trauma (i.e., I may be able to read, but I am not licensed to heal myself).
  3. Paying for a therapist is the only way to heal unresolved trauma.

But licensed mental healthcare professionals have said the opposite.

MARNIE FERREE, LMFT, CSAT

Marnie Ferree retired as the leading female-sex addiction specialist in the country in 2023. She’d worked as a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) for 30 years. A few months prior to publication, I cold emailed her to review Salve. After some hesitancy, she agreed. And then, she texted me throughout the weekend as she read in disbelief that my words matched her experiences as a clinician and a recovered sexual addict. She not only validated what I’d shared about my life, but also my healing practices.

However, Marnie still struggled with writing the review and wanted to speak with me. During our two-hour convo, she said this: Over the past 30 years, she’d consistently told clients there was no way they could do this work on their own. Sexual addicts need professionals. I’m summarizing, but in essence, she wanted to speak with me to see if I really did what I said I did. By the end of our convo, she was convinced.

“You, my dear, are a unicorn,” she said.

Then, she sent the glowing blurb that is located on the back of Salve.

ROY KIM, LMFT, CSAT

Roy Kim is a licensed family and marriage therapist (LMFT) and a CSAT. He is also the host of SA Speakeasy, the first podcast interview I did. After reading Salve, Roy also validated my experiences and healing practices. At the end of our interview, he gave one of the best compliments I’ve received about my journey.

“I can tell that from what you’re sharing with me that your brain is changing in a really healthy way,” he said. “I really believe in how good the brain is at adapting to things, especially adapting to healthy routines and health, in general. It really does sound like your brain is adapting well over these years. So, good for you!”

Even though the social stigma of addiction has decreased, what happens during the addiction cycle is not always common knowledge. Many do not realize that addiction develops when the pleasure circuits in the brain get overwhelmed. No matter if it’s substances or behavior, an addict’s brain becomes wired differently. If you’ve ever wondered why your loved one won’t just stop doing fill-in-the-blank activity, it is probably because they literally cannot. Your healthy brain tells you to stop eating the cookies; the addict’s brain seeks to continue the habit, no matter how detrimental. When Roy said he could tell I’d changed my brain, it meant a lot. It confirmed that the process I’d used for self-therapy had worked in ways recognizable to a professional.

ANDREA DINARDO, PhD

Dr. Dinardo, or as I call her, Dr. D., is a positive psychology expert and psychology professor at St. Clair College of Applied Arts & Science in Windsor Ontario Canada. She also has a popular TedTalk about how to turn stress into strength. Dr. D. and I met via WordPress, recorded a popular video about situational anxiety, and presented together at St. Clair during my 2023 healing/book tour.

Dr. D. was in awe of Salve’s contents. She told my family and me that the world has the most psychologists and healthcare professionals ever and the most mentally unhealthy people ever.

“There’s a disconnect,” she said. Later, she praised Salve for doing what the mental health field should be doing—helping people to dig deep into their past, in order to provide a pathway for healing in the present.

ANNA LINDE, Msc, Certified Sex Coach, Somatic Sex Educator, Sexologist

Anna is a sexologist and certified sex coach, and she specializes in somatic sex education. She helps people learn to have healthier sex lives, specifically if they have trauma in their backgrounds, including, but not exclusive to being an adoptee.

Anna and I spoke once a week for three months, primarily because we were planning a workshop centered on adoptees and sexual health. In our second Instagram live, I confided that “people give me a lot of flak about self-therapy,” and then I told her about the disclaimer I share before speaking in public. Anna smiled and said:

This is also why this conversation is so important because I am a licensed mental healthcare practitioner. But that doesn’t mean that we know how to explain these things…so the person needing the information actually understands what it means for them. Because if I know how to diagnose the trauma, that doesn’t mean that that’s helping a person, really, which is also why I think this conversation is a way to bridge two worlds that are separately important: the personal experience and the professional side of healing. (IG Live, 4/10/25)

She also affirmed that writing a book—as well as engaging in other types of art (i.e., painting, dancing, singing, sculpting, creating music, etc.)—is a valid way to heal and integrate trauma. According to Anna, the point is to get the thoughts out of your head in a way that works for you.

Anna’s words are the perfect ending for this post and series. There is a place for licensed clinicians in some folks’ healing journeys. But whether you are a wounded healer or not, you are central in your healing. While some people need psychotherapy, others can use alternative methods to achieve the same goal. Neither is more valid or worthy. Finally, I don’t want to be irresponsible in my message. Some mental illnesses cannot be resolved independently and require professional guidance and medication; however, self-therapy should not be discounted as a valid method for many mental health issues. It is possible to take your mental health into your own hands.

Postscript: Shout out to Brooke James, LCAS, LMFT, who said that I “nailed it” with Salve and David B. Bohl, MA, CSAC, MAC, an adoptee who also self-therapized because the religiosity of Alcoholics Anonymous wasn’t helping him to achieve sobriety. He was happy to know someone else had successfully used non-traditional methods for healing.

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Mental Health Matters: How I Healed Myself: Years of Self-Therapy Strategies (PART II)

~ kegarland ~ 38 Comments

“But you didn’t know you were doing self-therapy, right?” someone asked at a book reading.

The answer is no.

When a memoirist writes a book, they are not only curating information, but they are also writing events in a specific way to tell a compelling story. Narration could give the illusion that I knew exactly what I was doing. I did not. I just knew that I had hit rock bottom, and if I wanted to be a different person, preserve my marriage, or live with dignity and self-respect, then I had to figure something out. And because I was born in 1973, raised as an only child, and labeled gifted at five years old, it never crossed my mind to seek help from someone else. I had not only been conditioned to figure shit out on my own, but I also life had showed me that I could.

In 2014, my healing journey began with learning to listen to my intuition.

YOGA

At the time, I was holding on to a secret that tormented me. Many times, I wanted to blurt out details of what had happened to anyone who would listen, especially my husband. But I didn’t have the courage. Plus, I was raising two daughters and working at a research institution. I didn’t have the privilege to fall to pieces. So, I did the one thing that seemed to calm me down—YOGA.

Yoga had been a part of my life prior to 2014. I didn’t know why, but when I practiced, I relaxed. While yoga can serve as an exercise in flexibility, some poses do more than help you to stretch. I suspected this early on. Different ones mirrored how I functioned in life or matched my personality. For example, I used to boo-hoo cry every time I was in kapotasana (pigeon pose). While everyone else held their legs steady, I used to silently berate myself if I fell out of vrikshasana (tree pose). Each time I practiced, I learned more about who I was, but I could only learn about myself because I was open to learning about myself.

So, no. I didn’t explicitly begin a self-healing journey the way some announce therapy visits. Instead, I tried any and everything that seemed to help me feel better. It wasn’t until I was editing my memoir that I learned about how yoga decreases stress and calms your nervous system. In the moment, I intuited these facts.

OCEAN

Next, intuition led me to the ocean. Luckily, I live in Florida because in this state, you are never more than 60 miles away from a beach. Similar to yoga, the beach can serve as a place to play, or it can offer healing. Consistently being on my mat had helped me to become more attuned to my body, so by the time I was submerged in water, I recognized its calming effect. Like yoga, the ocean was a safe place where I could exhale. Whether I was digging my toes in the sand, or wading in waves, I was physically at peace.

Here are a couple of facts about ocean water:

At the time, I didn’t know any of this, I sensed it. Later, I read studies that proved how effective the beach is in decreasing mental health issues, such as depression, and I added this information to my memoir.

READING

As a literacy scholar, I respect others who’ve achieved in their different fields and never want anyone to think I am posing as a licensed mental healthcare worker. It’s unethical.

However, I have always been, and continue to be, quite curious. Since I was a child, I have had the ability to read, process, and apply information in a practical way.

Therefore, before I speak to an audience, I give this disclaimer: I am not a licensed mental healthcare professional. I’m just a person who reads a lot and knows how to apply concepts to her life.

Since 2015, intuition has led me toward the scholarship I needed to heal. In searching for any and everything, I also sought out literature that explained how my perceived “personality flaw” had gotten out of hand. No one suggested books to me because no one knew I was delving into self-exploration. I literally used Google Scholar and my institution’s library. Here are titles that helped:

Because I am a lifelong learner and will be on a healing journey for the entirety of my life, I’ve read more books since publishing Salve:

I don’t share these to brag. Unfortunately, no one is passing out gold stars or pizza coupons for the most self-healed. I’ve written this to clarify what I mean when I say self-therapy. It doesn’t mean I watch 30-second reels, self-diagnose, and then proclaim victory. In my process, I have the ability to see myself from a distance, intellectualize an unresolved issue, integrate experts’ ideas into my life, and then share information with others, so they can gain perspective in their own lives.

It’s giving Chiron personified.

SELF-THERAPY

In summation, here is my process:

  1. I’ve lived with undiagnosed anxiety and depression for decades, so the first step was to calm tf down. A healing process is challenging if you are in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. Yoga and the beach helped with that. So did meditation.
  2. I read about and studied a singular concept for six-to-twelve months.
  3. I practiced what experts said. For example, if one way to enact time boundaries is to tell someone you only have an hour for a phone conversation, then I tried that for months until it felt natural and worked.
  4. Then, I wrote about curated topics for public consumption. Sharing about my life and engaging in appropriate and authentic conversations is a way to process and integrate trauma. This is also the wounded healer part.

In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict represents nine years of the above process.

EQUALLY IMPORTANT STRATEGIES I’VE LEARNED AND INTEGRATED

  • Radical self-love
  • Radical self-acceptance
  • Gratitude
  • 3-2-1 Meditation
  • Writing to process, not for public consumption

Next week, I’ll share what licensed mental health professionals have said to me about self-therapy, my memoir, and my personal journey. Until then, let me know what you’re thinking.

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Monday Notes: So, I Was on a Radio Show (and Other Updates)

~ kegarland ~ 45 Comments

Life has definitely been moving forward for me. And this is how I like it. In the past, I stayed busy to avoid emotions. In a healthier state, I’m more discerning about what I want to do and why. Here’s what’s been going on:

FRONT PAGE JACKSONVILLE

Octavius Davis is a man I met while giving to Florida Support Service of Jacksonville. I reached out because I wanted him to host a virtual game night, but he couldn’t. Instead, he asked me to be a guest on his weekly radio show.

“You can come talk about your book and anything else you’ve got going on,” he said. “There are just two things: you have to come to the studio, and it’s on Sunday mornings…at six.”

Y’all. I almost said no, but I figured I could lose a couple hours of sleep to be on the #3 radio show in the city. So, on Sunday, February 23rd, that’s what I did. Gratefully, my husband drove me there. The whole experience is a blur. I don’t remember what I said. But this is how I know I’m moving in the proper direction. The right words come when they need to, whether I’m fully awake or not. You can watch/listen here: Front Page Jacksonville.

CHICAGO LITERARY HALL OF FAME INTERVIEW

In January, I received this email:

On behalf of the Chicago Literary Hall of Fame, I’m thrilled to invite you to participate in Writuals, a monthly micro-interview series celebrating Chicago writers and their creative processes. This series explores how our city’s rich literary heritage, cultural diversity, and iconic spaces inspire routines and rituals that fuel local authors’ work.

We’d be honored to feature your voice and hear about Chicago’s role in your craft and the “writers” that fuel your creativity. Let me know if this resonates with you, and I’ll send you five questions.

Listen. Although I have been more discerning about how to proceed, flattery will get you everywhere with me. I was super excited that anyone would even reach out to ask me to do this. And I’m pleased to be in a space where I don’t have to seek out ways to promote my work.

The Chicago Literary Hall of Fame’s mission is to honor and preserve Chicago’s great literary heritage. As a native, I was also honored by the invitation. The micro-interview offered me the opportunity to pay homage to the family who adopted me, the school that educated me, and the artists who influenced me. You can read the interview here: Writuals: K E Garland.

COMING TO OUR SENSES | SEXUAL LIBERATION FOR ADOPTEES

Over the last year, I’ve been immersed in the adoption community, which has been rewarding on a personal and professional level. One day, I was scrolling my little heart away, as I am often wont to do. I liked and commented on a post by the @theadoptedsexologist. Later, I found out her name is Anna Linde. From that day forward, Anna and I have spoken weekly about our shared interests. We even did an IG live, which was scheduled to be 20 minutes but ended up being 50. During that hour, we discussed how one can know if they are using sex in healthy ways, eight-year-old boys and porn, and more. You can watch here: Let’s Talk About S😜X.

Anna holds an Msc in sexology, and she is a somatic sex educator; likewise, I’ve written a book about my experience with a behavioral addiction centered on sex. Together, we’ve created a series of sexual liberation workshops for different demographics. Because we’re both adoptees, we’re beginning with sharing ways people in this community can heal from issues with intimacy, sex, and shame, issues adoptees have in higher rates than people raised by their biological families. Later, our workshops will cater to women, men, and whoever else needs this information for a healing journey. If you know of an adoptee, who has challenges with intimacy, sex, or shame, then please send them this information. They can register here: Coming to Our Senses.

I hope you find something useful for you or someone you know in any one of these updates!

Also, I hope you see why I’ve been blog bombing some of you lol Although I have less time to read your words, the WordPress community remains near to my heart. So, I make time to immerse myself for a few hours to catch up. No matter how much I read, I continue to be “behind” by a couple months. But still, I persist cause I like y’all 😉

Until next time…

Monday Notes: How Being an Adoptee Taught Me to Lie

~ kegarland ~ 31 Comments

November is National Adoption Awareness Month, so I’d thought I would kill two birds with one stone today: discuss adoption and answer a common question I’ve received after people have read Salve. After reading my memoir, Grandma Hunny said, “You’ve lived two lives when most people don’t even live one!” Similar to my grandmother, many people have asked me how I was able to live a so-called double life. At first, I didn’t have an answer. I just thought I possessed a natural ability, like curling your tongue. It wasn’t until I was immersed in the adoption community and adoption literature, that I realized lying was something I’d developed as an adoptee. Here’s what I know I learned:

LESSON #1: Lying about your life is okay.

I learned lying was okay when I was ten years old. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had just discovered that I was adopted, that I had been raised by strangers and wasn’t biologically related to anyone around me. I had been lied to for several years, and what’s worse, everyone was in on the charade. I remember wanting to express sadness for learning these details. I wondered where my birth mother was, and I wanted to understand my origin story. But being strong was a virtue in this family, so my adoptive mother didn’t allow for any emotion other than gratitude. I was encouraged to “get over” these life-changing events and move forward with life. Here is where I learned that lying must be an acceptable and normal way to live. My adoptive family told and showed me this lie was no big deal. Subsequently, I not only perceived lying about adoption as okay, but I also began to lie to myself about who I was and how I felt about it.

LESSON #2: Disassociating is a necessary lie.

Nancy Newton Verrier is a scholar who wrote a seminal book called The Primal Wound. In this book, she explains how unnatural it is for a baby to be separated from her mother. She says this separation creates an adoptee’s first pain, or primal wound. Subsequently, Autumn Sansom produced a documentary based on Verrier’s book called Reckoning with the Primal Wound. This documentary summarizes the primal wound concept and describes how common it is for adoptees to disassociate due to this unnatural occurrence. According to Sansom’s documentary, disassociation is a shared trait because many of us are implicitly or explicitly asked to pretend the family we are being raised with is, indeed, our natural family. To be clear, disassociation requires disconnecting from one’s body and feelings; it requires living in an alternate reality. As an adoptee, to disassociate, one must lie to oneself over and over again, until the lie becomes a natural state of being. In a way, I learned that disassociation was normal, too, and I began to use it in my young adult and adult life as a way to cope with discomfort.

LESSON #3: Lying to fit in is fine.

In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown says, “authenticity is a requirement for belonging” and “connection” (p. 172). Brown makes a really big deal about how important a sense of belonging is for human connection. Another characteristic that adoptees share is a lack of a sense of belonging. I’ve repeatedly said I never felt as if I belonged in my adoptive family. Growing up, I tried hard to, though: I mimicked laughing at the right jokes; I learned to be just the right amount of sarcastic; and I tried to become as stoic as everyone else when it came to emotional experiences. But it never felt quite right. Now, I know why. Brown says, “When we work to fit in and be accepted, our “belonging” is tenuous” (p. 158). Furthermore, Brown’s research shows that people equate a sense of belonging as a matter of life-or-death. Now, imagine being adopted. If a non-adoptee thinks not belonging is like dying, then how might an adoptee feel? In my case, I suspected my adoptive family was the only group of people I could count on. If I lost them, then I had no one. I became proficient at lying, so I could belong. But as Brown noted, attempts at fitting in don’t work if you’re trying to belong. They only create illusions of belonging.

Oof.

I don’t want to inundate you with information, so I’ll stop here. Next week, I’ll share how I’ve unlearned these lessons, so I could be a more authentic version of myself. Until then, let me know what you think in the comments. And if you know an adoptee, give them a hug.

Acknowledging the Primal Wound: How Relinquishment Can Lead to an Intimacy Disorder

~ kegarland

November is National Adoption Awareness Month or as some call it, National Adoption Adoptee Awareness Month. I was fortunate enough to not only present with Adoption Knowledge Affiliates on the real effects of search and reunion (with one’s birth family), but they also allowed me to blog about how my primal wound led to an intimacy disorder. Read my guest blog here: Acknowledging the Primal Wound: How Relinquishment Can Lead to an Intimacy Disorder.

Monday Notes: In Search of a Salve Gratitude

~ kegarland ~ 36 Comments 
No man is an island, 
Entire of itself;
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
John Donne, “No Man is an Island”

A lot of times, I feel as if I’m doing things independent of help; however, I know this is not true. Therefore, I would like to express gratitude to and for the following:

Thank you to anyone who purchased In Search of a Salve.

Thank you to anyone who read In Search of a Salve.

Thank you to every reader who wrote an honest review of my memoir on Amazon, Goodreads, B&N, Audible, and/or their personal blog.

“Never apologize for asking for a review!”

blogger, who shall remain anonymous

Thank you to the woman who said, “Never apologize for asking for a review! I was happy to do it…” Asking readers for reviews is not an easy task, and she made feel less shitty about doing so.

Thank you to my friends and colleagues who helped me plan book events in different cities.

Thank you to the independent bookstores who were welcoming, especially 57th Street Books in Chicago, Chamblin’s Uptown in Jacksonville, Florida, and the Happy Medium Books Café in Jacksonville, Florida.

Thank you to Dr. Dinardo and St. Clair College’s Student Resource Center in Windsor-Ontario, Canada.

Thank you to people who attended book events.

Thank you to my friends from high school, who flew from out of town to attend a book event and to those who came directly from work in the middle of the week.

Thank you to those of you who recommended In Search of a Salve to your friends and family.

Thank you to the friends who bought books for their friends.

Thank you to the friend who bought extra books and passed them out to strangers on her flight, in other cities, and in general.

Thank you to those of you who have connected me with other creatives and thinkers in order to collaborate.

Thank you to the friend who sent Carolyn Myss’s team a note about why I should work with her.

Thank you to the adult adoptee community, who has embraced me from Day 1.

Thank you to the friend who said, “If you want me there, then you’ll have to include K E Garland.”

Thank you to the book clubs who have purchased, read, and invited me to speak.

Thank you to U.S.G.I.R.L.S. book club, whose members have been early supporters of my artistry.

Thank you to the friend who recommended I interview with Canvas Rebel.

Thank you for the numerous podcasters who trusted me to be on their shows.

Thank you to the podcaster who said I have to be “a best-seller or famous award-winning author” to be on her podcast, but agreed to read Salve, wrote a review on her other blog, and then gave the book to her mother to read.

Last, but certainly not least, thank you to the love of my life, who ceaselessly tries to understand my motivation for the things I do on this earth, and even when it doesn’t make a tap of sense in the physical world, he trusts that what I’m doing is the right thing not only for me, but sometimes, for us.

Monday Notes: In Search of a Salve: By the Numbers

~ kegarland ~ 58 Comments

One year ago, September 26, 2023, I published In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict! I am three days away from my one-year bookaversary, so today, I thought I’d celebrate by talking about numbers.

BOOK SALES

According to Google Gemini, the average self-published book sells 250 copies, but 90% of self-published books sell less than 100 copies over the lifetime of the book. Chris O’Brien confirms these lifetime numbers and he says the reason depends on several criteria, ranging from how hard the author works to market the book to how big of a social media presence the author has. As an indie author, I can also validate these stats. My first two books, The Unhappy Wife and Daddy: Reflections of Father-Daughter Relationships reached a little beyond 600 in total sales over the course of eight years.

But In Search of a Salve? I’m happy to report that I sold 90 copies in the first nine weeks. As of today, hard cover, eBook, and audiobook sales, as well as online and in-person have totaled close to 300 in the first year. They say, “Comparison is the thief of joy;” however, I’m feeling joyful as hell about these numbers. They are above average for indie authors, and I’m proud of myself.

PODCASTS

Over the past twelve months, I have been on twelve podcasts. The first was SA (Sex Addiction) Speakeasy. To secure this recording, I cold emailed the host, Roy Kim. He was happy to have me on because rarely do Black, female recovering sex addicts write books, much less speak in public about their journeys. After that, I paid to be a guest on Black Authors Matter TV (I do not recommend being on their show or paying to be a guest on anyone’s show). After those first two, I was invited to speak on the remaining podcasts, and guess what, one of them paid me to tell my story, not the other way around!

I’ve tried hard to choose a favorite, but it’s impossible because even when the topic was the same, each was different. For example, I’ve been on four adoption podcasts; however, one focused on the addiction piece, something that many adoptees struggle with, as opposed to another, which focused on what adoption was like for me as a child. Outside of adoption, other podcasts were about the writing process, but still, each had a different angle. Either way, interviewing helped me develop confidence in explaining why I wrote this memoir.

BOOKSTORES

Three independent bookstores in three different cities hosted me for book events. As I’ve mentioned before, this is no easy feat. The first was 57th Street Books in Chicago. I have no shame in explaining that this occurred because my friend, Dr. Duane Davis set it up because he knows the bookstore owner. Based on my experience with bookstores, there is no doubt in my mind that had I tried to do this on my own, it wouldn’t have happened. I’m grateful for the hookup, though, because it allowed me to celebrate publication among a lot of friends, a few bloggers, and my sister and niece.

The second bookstore that was kind enough to host me was Tall Tales Bookstore in Atlanta. Although only three people showed up for the event, I am still grateful that the owner agreed to have me speak there. The third bookstore that allowed me to have an event was Happy Medium Books Café in Jacksonville, Florida. Dana is new at bookstore ownership. I’ve repeatedly joked with her that she hasn’t been in the business long enough to be jaded, which is why she’s so nice. The real reason is that Dana is very community centered. Her calendar is always full, and she embraces being a part of the Jacksonville arts culture. No matter the rationale, I’m grateful because I was able to have a virtual Q&A there.

BOOK PRIZE

Last, but not least, Salve was long listed for one book award—Santa Fe Writers Project Literary Award (2023). I didn’t win, but the reviewers did say, “this is a powerful memoir, one that needs to be told,” and they encouraged me to undergo another round of revisions because I “have access to a niche that can make this a bestseller.” Considering how mean people are in the industry, this was a very kind way to support.

Also, I’ve written before about the importance of entering one’s work into contests. It’s not always about winning. For me, the relevance of these prizes is that they add value to one’s CV and work as a writer. Adding that Salve was long listed strengthens my bio, especially when I apply for grants, fellowships, and residencies. Although it’s not fair, judges of other competitions that require resumes tend to have more faith in you as an artist if they see you have a track record. So, again, even though I didn’t win, I’m thankful that someone thought my memoir was noteworthy.

Welp, those are the numbers that have mattered to me. Again, I’m hella proud of myself for writing this book and choosing a process that suited the goals of the project at the time. It has paid off and met my personal definition of success.

It’s Salve’s one-year anniversary. I’ll be sharing thoughts, impact, and commentary all month!

In Search of a Salve: Questions & Answers

~ kegarland ~ 24 Comments

On July 20, 2024, I hosted a hybrid Q&A for Salve. Even though the event lasted 1.5 hours, unbeknownst to the virtual host and me, the live link stopped working and dropped everyone 45 minutes in! Ever since I realized this, I’ve been recording answers to individual questions for those who asked (before the live dropped) and for those who were in attendance but didn’t get their question answered.

I thought I’d share them here.

  • Q1: At one point, you said, no one leaves their parents’ house unscathed (which is for sure a word) and wondering if/how this beautiful book made you consider your own parenting. ANSWER
  • Q2: Can you talk more about the idea of self-therapy or self-education for healing? ANSWER
  • Q3: Can you talk about the difference between being addicted to substances and behavioral addiction, because it doesn’t seem like it’s quite the same? ANSWER
  • Q4: Did you find any parallels between the way you self-medicated with sex and the way you chose self-healing/self-therapy? ANSWER
  • Q5: Were you ever concerned about what your family would think or how they’d feel while you were writing the book? ANSWER
  • Video #6: Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder.

It’s Salve’s one-year anniversary. I’ll be sharing thoughts, impact, and commentary all month!

Monday Notes: The Greatest Gift of Publishing In Search of a Salve

~ kegarland ~ 31 Comments

An unexpected consequence of publishing In Search of a Salve is that I’ve reconnected with friends from my past. These connections have manifested in different ways and for varied reasons. For example, months after publication, my friend, Mika texted me letters, postcards, and photos I’d sent to her from the time I’d moved from Chicago to Covert.

In bubbled cursive I wrote:

So, like I told you to do, I’ll just say fuck them … Joëlle, Daddy (at times), Tom, Najja, Shani …

Y’all. The list of who was getting the proverbial middle finger was long. In this letter, I also had a contingency plan for what I would do, should I begin to be “depressed again.” Today, it is common practice for one to announce their depression, whether self-diagnosed or clinical. But in the early 90s? Depressed was not a household term. Using this word affirmed that my body and mind knew something was wrong. I just had no clear way to communicate it to the adults around me.

In my handwriting, I also illustrated the dawn of my descent into addiction. I stopped saying “eff everyone,” and began talking about “all of the boys.” Then undergrad began, and letter writing ended.

I’m grateful Mika showed me these artifacts. Each word validated the core content of my memoir.

In undergrad, I used to hang out with a guy we’ll call Dan. As I reminisce, I’m sure we were quite the pair walking around campus: Me, a five-foot-tall girl and Dan, a four-hundred-pound boy. We were close for a few semesters and held sporadic convos post-graduation. Ordering the book brought him back into my sphere. He texted this:

You have always been self-aware and unequivocally you! Look at what you’ve achieved. Look at what you’re going to achieve. You get your flowers now!!!

Then he added:

I beat up 2 people that spoke badly about you…everyone knew that if they had a problem with you, they had a problem with my big ass…

There was a time during college, where my reputation preceded me. But by the time Dan and I became friends, I’d slowly abandoned social scenes and secured a relationship with my now husband. However, people were still gossiping, and I was oblivious that I needed defense. Years later, I am grateful that he shared this with me. It felt good to know someone had my back at a time when I felt no one did.

A person I met in seventh grade read Salve, and we reconnected over themes of the memoir. The book touched her life in numerous ways. One day, we had a conversation about how much we related to watching Amanda Seales discuss autism and giftedness in an interview with Shannon Sharpe. Seales also disclosed how reading and using The 48 Laws of Power had helped her interact with people.

“I think I need to read that book,” I said. “Sometimes, I don’t think people get what I’m saying.”

“B*tch,” middle-school friend started. “You just wrote a book called, In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict, where you virtually said, ‘this is my experience, and f*ck you if you don’t understand it!’ You shouldn’t be walking into rooms trying to manipulate people or meet them where they are. You should be raising the vibration of every room you walk into!”

Her lecture continued, and I quieted myself. By the end of it, I agreed. In the past, I’d tried to fit in, so I could belong. Whether it was with family, in-laws, or friends, I didn’t want to be different. Today? Not at all. Talking to this woman has helped me to consciously change how I move in the world. I stopped mumbling the subtitle of the book, and instead, began saying it “with my chest” as a few new friends have encouraged me to do.

At the end of our convo, seventh-grade friend added, “Every time I talk to you, I’m going to pour into you.” So far, she’s kept her word, and I’m grateful.

There have been more reconnections, each with their own benefits. Many surface-level conversations have shifted to the soul-level. People are returning to therapy or finding independent ways to release the traumatic experiences they’ve buried. Due to Salve, people are seeking ways to live healthier lives.

Furthermore, I’m thankful for these conversations because friends have reminded me that they’ve always known who I was, even when I was trying to hide from it or figure it out. Thus far, reconnecting with friends has been one of the greatest gifts of releasing In Search of a Salve.

It’s Salve’s one-year anniversary. I’ll be sharing thoughts, impact, and commentary all month!