awakeLast week marked the 17th anniversary of my father's death...
none of my family remarked on it at all. It wasn't until this past Saturday that we talked about it. Though I remembered it didn't hurt as much. Usually we're all just a little depressed and it wasn't until the 10th anniversary that we talked about it at all. Most days we'd just hide away from one another and more than likely cry. But this year was different. Besides the fact that my grandmother has lived with us for 3 years now and life has gotten pretty stressful I don't think any of us have needed to remember it this year. That sounds horrible but I think it shows that we've healed as one and as a family.
I get asked by people grieving "all the time" Will it ever stop hurting so much? My answer has always been yes. The first five years were the hardest. There wasn't a day that went by that as an 11 year old etc that I didn't think of him and force myself not to cry. The five after that weren't as tough...I was finally growing up-becoming a teenager and later an adult. It was on the 10th anniversary that I literally had a melt down...it made it seem more real. I realized that I'd lived more years without a dad then I did with one...that thought just about devastated me. It was also at that point that my family started to heal...it began with a phone call to one another and has ended up with conversations about him as a family...after all that time we started talking about him and to one another.
Now a week after the 17 year mark I allowed myself to cry a bit, talk a bit, and remember a whole lot. I think about him more and the grief/pain/loss less. I don't think the hurt will ever go away and I don't think I want it to...I just need to remember the good parts of his life. When I was a kid people used to tell me he was in a better place (heaven), or at peace, or that I needed to move on. And I (still) know how useless and terrible those words felt then. It didn't matter how true they might have been. The words didn’t make it not hurt any less. Even though I know that the words and comfort they told me back then are true now, it still hurts to think about losing him. But…its better now, it hurts less. I can remember that while my life isn't what it would have been had he not died I still have a pretty good life. There are some days I'm truly happy. And I know that's all my dad would have wanted for me. And that's what I think about on those difficult days when I think too much and cry too hard.
This is the quote that has gotten me through the toughest times...
It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette