that odd sort of soreness is back, making my entire body ache. after days of managed containment i would call it, my mom snapped again. it's off because when she did after i got home from everett, weeks passed and then she apologized for what had been said, cried and hugged me. my family doesn't really hug. we have this wort of thing about touching each other. especially me and my mom, we just don't do it much.... only when we feel some social obligation to, never because we actually want to, which i know sounds odd. we hug when we know it would be odd not to. like when we say goodbye to one another. anyway, none of that really matters i suppose.

my mom and i were sitting watching project runway when she all the sudden tells me to go get the tiny dog clothes that laura sent down with roxie. now this was a few years ago, and well none of the clothes fit so i'm pretty sure we threw them out or something. i know they were on the table, and then mom cleaned off the table, and now they're in the wind. i went and looked for them but couldn't find them, not that i expected to. but when i came and told mom that i thought we thrw them out she snapped and started yelling. i tried to talk to her but i just wasn't working and she was cursing at me. i found my own reaction odd. i didn't yell at her or swear, or threaten her like i usually would have. i just kind of sat there and tried to talk... i'm not sure if this is a good thing for me. it doesn't feel like it. it feels like this black hole that eating away at me and slowly consuming every piece of rational that may be left. sanding away at the hard edges i use to make sure people think i'm shiny. i don't do vulnrability well, i never have. i don't like weakness, and i've always seen over emotion as such. growing up in a family of women and able to see how emotion effects people, perhaps that's made me a tad biased. i don't like feeling bad or helpless, so i work hard not to. and after a while i don't have to work so hard for that. people break my heart and i bounce back with a few cruel words and a laugh, though fewer tears always, each and every time.

maybe the fact i had the patience to deal with my mother could be a sign of improvement on my part, but i sure doesn't feel like it. it just feels like it hurts more. after i had laid in bed for a bit i got ahold of vanessa and asked her out for coffee and a chat. she's a good listener and no matter how much i pretend to not be bothered, or laugh nervously, she knows well enough to just let me get things out of my system. to not push me too much on things i don't want to say, to just be company rather than someone expecting to be a bucket for my darkest secrets. maybe it's because she's known me so long, maybe it's because she can understand masking things, i dunno... i just get that we tend to get each other.

the coffee thing was just because i needed out of the house, lest i weep in self pity. now i'm just tired and cold because the heater's broken. on my way out to meet her the wind was blowing and the rain coming down so hard i could barely see, but still my car was racing down puddled roads to get me away faster. perhaps that's unsafe, but it made me feel better. coming back things were calmer, and i could even trace the light reflected from wet power lines. the moon was pretty bright tonight. it made them look like spiderwebs. simplicity is good, but few and far between. it's nice to appreciate it once in awhile.

Chu,
Brit