i've been thinking a lot about friendship recently. the way i see it, it's a lot like being in love... you invest and care so much about this person, you want to protect them and be everything you can to them. help them when they need you. and when it falls apart you can't help but feel ugly, hurt and angry. i mean don't get me wrong, i know the difference between romantic love and friendship. but it just all seems so similar, especially right now. i mean can you honestly say if you saw the best friend that you lost walking down the street tomorrow with his or her new friends, would you not be jealous? i know i would be.

which makes me glad by ex-bff lives farther away. i'd like to think i'm a good person, and say i honestly care about the people around me. but i know i could do better. i could make more of an effort to see them. i mean i saw ness tonight and she talked about her daughter, and how she was saying hello and asking her the names of different body parts. 'what's this mommy?' 'what's this?' 'elbow mommy elbow.' i didn't even know she was talking yet. i don't see people much. i can go months without seeing anyone and not eve notice, or think it strange. until i look back and realize that they're gone. i wish i saw my friends more. i wish the friends i had as a child were still in my life. but looking back i wonder if they ever think of me. there are people i can't even remember the last names of, but i can see them clearly in my mind.

i wonder if i unknowingly broke someone's heart? and i wonder if the hurt of having my own broken by a friend will ever go away, or if it'll just dull until finally you can't notice anymore, like breaking up with a boyfriend?
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i had a dream about kittie the other night. we were walking down a city street at night. talking and laughing, i forget what it was we were saying. i think we were talking about our first sakuracon, but i'm not sure. i usually never remember my dreams, which made this one odd. i don't think that'll ever happen again, but it'd be nice. looking back, she wasn't a really good friend. she did a lot of questionable things. but i like to think she cared about me, and i about her. it's nice to have someone there, that you know would cry if you died tomorrow. apparently she de-friended me on facebook, i hadn't noticed. i had considered doing it to her. but i guess i was just too sentimental to go through with it. i wonder if that means she read my letter? i guess she didn't have an answer for me...

well this has been thoroughly depressing. i'm going to go cry now.

Chu,
Britt

right now i've put myself in the center of something dumb again. i just don't really understand how i keep attracting these situations. rob and i had a talk... kind of. it was over aim. he was scared i was going to be mad at him, and i thought that he must be about to tell me he's now going with someone else, right?

nope apparently he just wanted to make it clear that he still doesn't know what he wants. i knew from the day i met him that he liked this other girl. a girl i knew and liked... she's a pretty cool lady. anyway, his serious talk was i guess because he was feeling guilty, or thinking he was leading me on. i guess with the upcoming visit at the end of august he was getting nervous i was expecting something. i wasn't and told him so. i said i knew, but i appreciated the honesty, and that when he figured it out to let me know. until then, we're friends. i told him not to worry about me reaction. i wasn't going to scream or cry, or challenge this other girl to a duel or anything silly like that.

so basically he doesn't know if he wants to be with her, or me. personally i think i'm better.... i'm kind of the cat's meow you know? i'm just glad it wasn't worse news. now we're talking and things seem fine.

tonight i'm seeing the new harry potter with olivia. i'm very excited. i'm genuinely happy that i'm reconnecting with liv and ness. i mean honestly friends to me are sometimes seasonal. i drift from people, even when i care about them. just because shit take people in different directions, or my outer persona just seems to attract people, but sometimes they're not the best sorts of people. i've learned not to take it too personally. so it's nice to reconnect to people who i know have my back, and care about me.

least that's just how i feel. now i should be getting ready for the movie..... jesus it's been far too hot to deal with all this drama XP

love,
Brit

gah so tired! well icbc went well, and it went terrible. the guy that hit me still hasn't come forward, and the damage to the car might count as it being a loss, so they won't fix it. the well part is that the car still runs, and they didn't try to make me sign anything... i just hope to get this all over and done with soon. i hate dealing with icbc. if i ever do get the pay out from the car, it can go towards paying off my dad.

i still haven't talked to telus. i keep forgetting, and being lazy instead of dealing with their automated system. david tried texting me and ended up texting some other person, so they've already given my number away. so yes, it's fully cancelled. they're just being asstarded.

ae is coming up and i still haven't fixed those boots. i have this fear i'm going to wreck them :S maybe i text livvy and see if she'll coach me through this... i want them to be done by ae, but i don't want to fuck up.

my knee crunched my heart shaped glasses. so now the frame is broken and i am le sad :C i loved those glasses, they were so cool. so i suppose i'll have to order another pair off ebay... :C tomorrow i'm heading out to party with kittie. she can eat solids again so we're going to the spaghetti factory for a sexy date. i am so excited you have no idea! i haven't been there in forever. nomnomnom french onion soup.♥ i shall also buy that witchblade figure, and pee myself with glee. there was something else i wanted to get... but i couldn't remember what it was till just a sec ago. the kouya and honey plushies from evertoys♥ i shall have to see how much they are.

i should really be outside, tanning or something. but i am lazy, and the outside has too much light. i was considerring going to the beach more, maybe just on my own to read. maybe taking the dogs. i don't know. i like being pale. but i like being one color pale... so i've been working on my legs... they're getting there.

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so there you have it. i have work in a bit. i should make myself something to eat. letdai arrived today. i'm excited. i'll be reading it tonight, and lending it to kittie tomorrow if i finish it. updated the groove list, and my neon genesis evagelion dl finished yesterday. so now i have all the eps and movies. i'll have to check them later to make sure they work and they're not raws. i think it's a dubbed dvdrip to tell you the truth. just from the way the file was labelled

love,
Brit