| Hollow |
[17 Sep 2016|08:55am] |
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My life seems completely hollow. All of the substance is missing. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and I'm not even sure why I am bothering.
Even this seems like just a facsimile of reality.
Standard Action 579: "Post about sadness to LiveJournal"
Oh, gods above, I am so tired of always feeling like this.
FWIW, I have no intention of harming myself. I'm just incredibly sad, and I'm hoping that letting some of it out here will maybe make some of it go away. Because it doesn't feel like it's ever going to go away.
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| Maybe kittens and baby otters. |
[15 Aug 2016|07:31am] |
It's really pretty hard being a depressive sort of person, right now. Every source of information screams about how terrible things are, and how they're going to get worse. And seeing things like this terrible Presidential race, where both major party candidates are such horrible people, certainly reinforces that impression, that things are getting worse. All of which makes it exceptionally difficult to try and have a positive outlook for the future. :-/
I'm going to go google for pictures of kittens now.
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| I'm not sure I even remember what it's like to be happy. |
[23 Apr 2016|04:01pm] |
Everything I try to write here seems like fishing for sympathy or vagueblogging or some other crap like that. So apparently I'm unhappy with my ability to express myself, too. Go figure.
------
Reminding myself that there's a possibility that someday I won't be thoroughly consumed by sadness is very hard, sometimes.
At least all the crying clears out my sinuses.
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[16 Jan 2016|11:27am] |
I am exceptionally tired of being sad and depressed and in pain all of the time.
This is not a suicide note. Just... tired and overwhelmed.
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| Tagline of the day |
[14 Dec 2015|08:32pm] |
So, I wimped out on running in the cold, and went home to cook while Raven ran instead.
I made some Ethiopian style Mesir Wot. And added chicken, so it's more of a Doro Mesir Wot.
The spices got ... somewhat warmer in the cabinet, since the last time.
I ended up making something that's about an 8 of 10 on the scale of spice, for me, which is about the warmest thing I would eat for pleasure.
Raven found it... somewhat unpleasant.
"I'm sorry I cooked something you can't eat."
"I can eat it. It's just ... challenging. It's like the fisting of dinner."
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| 27 October 2015 |
[27 Oct 2015|07:31pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
Divorce papers signed, and yet, somehow, it's still not over until the judge signs too. But I cannot help as feel that this was the true end, if the simple moment of us deciding to get a divorce was not.
This heavy heart
Heart that I carry
Still holds the weight of you
And when I fall
As I always do
I'm crushed by the absence of you
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| And I will plead no contest If loving you's a crime |
[25 Oct 2015|08:46pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
Both your eyes wide open
You see the shape I'm in
It wasn't my idea
That I be the one to sin
And so all those years together
Weren't worth a fucking dime
So go on and find me guilty
Just one more fucking time
All our years together
Weren't worth a fucking dime
So go on and find me guilty
Just one more fucking time
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| Well, fuck. |
[18 Sep 2015|08:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
Seventeen years, ten months, and twenty five days of relationship, followed by three hundred and fifty eight days of death throes, and I am single. :(
I'll be off in the corner crying if anyone needs me.
FWIW: None of this is intended as a "She's so mean" or anything... she's sad too. No one is happy about this. :-/
So, like, go give her some love too. I know her heart is broken as well. :(
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| Chicken, or Egg? |
[02 Sep 2015|08:01pm] |
I admit to some curiosity if it's a chicken or egg sort of thing. Is it that suicidal people take up bicycling? Or does the act of bicycling inspire one to suicidal acts?
Because, really, what could possibly make more sense than bicycling, in the dark, down the wrong side of a residential street, with no reflectors, lights, or even brightly colored clothing on?
Oh, I know! Bicycling the wrong way down a road with a 45 mph speed limit, in the middle of the lane, through a blind double dip hill!
Fuckin' idiots...
ETA: So, this is where I was -- (link in case the embed doesn't work)
I had been travelling north on Broadway, and turned right on Rio Bravo to get to the freeway. It's a pretty good hill, and the speed limit there is 45 mph. There's a flat spot there where the railroad tracks are and in a car, it turns into a visual obstruction. So, I turned right, I was in the right lane, and I'd just changed into the middle lane, so I could get on the freeway northbound, as I got to the top of the hill... and there was a dumbass on a bicycle going probably 30 mph down the hill, who appeared out of nowhere, basically, in the middle of the lane I'd just vacated. If I hadn't... There's no possible way I would have stopped in time.
Apologies to all my bicyclist friends. ;)
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| Bloody Stupid New Mexico Plant Life |
[23 May 2015|10:41am] |
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Weeds. Grrrrr. Arrrrgh.
When it rains here, as it has been for like the last month, the plants take full advantage of it.
I now have a 150 gallon trash can full to the top with weeds.
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| Fury Road |
[18 May 2015|10:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 chipper |
] |
Every time I saw a trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road, I quietly said "I hope that doesn't suck."
I've been burned by sequels and reboots and the like before. So my level of hope was "doesn't suck".
This was far, far beyond "doesn't suck". To the point where I'm looking at not merely seeing it again, but actually paying for one of the "upgraded experiences", a'la moving seats, IMAX, or the RPX sound thing.
So... Yeah. It was actually good. I am very happy with it. :)
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[19 Mar 2015|07:51pm] |
Fuck fuckin' thieves.
That is all.
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| Virtualisation infrastructure help? |
[24 Feb 2015|11:59am] |
Anyone out there with experience in small / medium scale virtualisation infrastructure, ideally with Dell hardware and Citrix XenServer?
I'm looking at two servers with one external storage unit, or possibly just two servers with onboard storage. One of the current metal systems I'm looking to move to VM is a database which currently is on a machine with eight 73GB 10k drives (so, lots of fast spindles) that still manages to eat a lot of IOPS at times.
One of my concerns is running out of IOPS and choking out other VMs. Maybe that's not a concern, I have no idea. That's really the problem here, I have no idea. Fuck, I'm starting to feel like I have no idea what I'm doing about anything. Yeesh.
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| Birthday call of mystery! |
[01 Dec 2014|09:20am] |
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So, someone called me on my birthday, on Thursday. While I was on the plane, and my phone was off. And left a message. Which sadly didn't include a name, or a return phone number... So, if whoever that was is reading this, thanks for the birthday wishes, whoever you were!
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