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7 December, 2005 | 2:21 pm: Might as well just get to the point, eh?
Yesterday I had a complete mental breakdown. In all actuality, I've been on the verge of one since September. Hard to believe I can survive through two whole months before I actually let myself believe that was what I was thinking.
I know what some of you might also be thinking. "Oh, but I saw you last night. You were just fine!" Ha. I've noticed that I'm apparently outstandingly good at things like...ignoring pieces of time that I don't want to remember. Like earlier in the week in the shower when I just about let it all get to me. At first I thought, well maybe it's a hormone thing. But it's not, not nearly the right time of the month to affect me as such.
Truth is, I can't think of...a single thing in my life, a single decision that I've made, that's ended up turning out well at the moment. From the big decisions all the way down to just the tiny ones, like what should I eat for dinner.
Truth is, I don't even know who I am anymore. What I'm doing, what I should do. I think I do, and everytime I do something to enjoy myself, something happens that just seems to say that I wasn't supposed to. Last year, my first semester of college, I was still very mostly immersed in my internet world. It held me together, it took up the free time I didn't have anything else to do with, I had amazing friends. I started to lose myself and withdrew as best I could. I no longer could find drive and creativity enough to write any of my RP characters. They just weren't there. And so I tried some other things to make them be there, but in the end I lost all enjoyment of it. This was the first time I'd felt things were going to turn up, but it slipped away.
And then a lot of things happened. I made close friends, I did things, I survived. And second semester I crashed and burned. I went through a lot of inside agony, a lot of drama agony, and I was in the worst condition I've ever been. And then this summer, things turned up again finally. I was the happiest I think I've ever been this last summer. Truly.
And this semester, well, it's not set in yet. But mostly...I can't put everything in mind to coherent order. But I do need to get this off my chest. It's not going to make sense, but I don't care.
I've never been good enough. For anything. It's true, don't tell my otherwise unless you can give me strong, unarguable evidence. I'm never quite there. Starting from way back when. But there are so many things that stick out the most in my mind. My IB diploma. The only senior officer in band not to receive a recognition, when I worked as hard as I could for four years. My grades. Lack of scholarships I just never could get done. For people. Always the honorable mention. Always the thanks for trying, even if I got it. Never the best in anything. Never anyone's best friend. Never the person that someone relies on. Can't run a meeting to save my life, as I can't quite seem to keep a membership returning to the meetings, nor an exec board in order. I have no awards or accomplishments to my name. For everything I've worked for in my life, I have nothing to show.
Lately I can't stand people in general. I love all my friends deeply, but everyone I know has gotten on my nerves in one way or another. That doesn't make any of you less of an awesome person, but I'm so dissatisfied with myself I can't stand anyone else either. That's why I try not to spend too much time with anyone, and I apologize for being irritable to everyone I know, to not wanting to listen to your problems and not having the drive to do anything for you. It hurts me a lot that I can't muster that up, but no matter what I do, I just can't.
I've failed to go to the doctor still. I'm scared of it. I hate doing things by myself and the only person I had in my life who was there to support me for it isn't there right now. It's none of you, don't ask. I need to, I know. I can't go on like this. But I hate it so much. Speaking of doctor's, the meds that I'm on have fixed things they were supposed to. And I'm thankful for that. But at a cost of messing with other things. I have no appetite anymore. I mean, I get hungry, but there are a total of like, 10 things that are appetizing to me and a portion of them I can't get at school. Suffice to say I can hardly stomach the campus food because it's somehow worse this year and it upsets my stomach. So, I don't know for sure if I'm losing the weight because the med I'm on is supposed to do that, combined with the fact that I've been walking and climbing stairs like crazy, or if it's because I'm not eating as much. Not that I'm in danger of losing the weight, but I know better than to do it in a bad way.
And I feel like no one really thinks of me in more than just a superficial level. No one really cares to think of me as knowing my thoughts, my beliefs, and I can't explain them to anyone because they always just look at me and tell me "ok. whatever you say." No one's ever had respect for me. Until Carl. Which...did. He understood, he knew what I was talking about and he cared. And that's why it hurts so much to lose him. I know so many of you say I'm better off without him. Yes, he had issues. And in a social context, in my type of social world, he didn't fit. But that's not what was important to me. The person he was when we were together, when we talked. When we didn't have to talk. Don't tell me it's me making things up, I wasn't. It was there. And so it's not anymore. But it's made me doubt everything even more, because when I'm finally comfortable to be purely me in everything that I am around someone, I lose that. And I've retreated back into myself again.
I can hope that people will read this. And I can hope that the people I care for the most and I value their thoughts the most will bother to read and respond. But I just feel like people tell me the same old three reassuring things over and over again. Not that I can pinpoint what those are. Everything has to turn up eventually, right? Well, I've been telling myself that since I was 10. It's been 10 years. I've waited a decade for something to look better. As of now, it's just gotten worse. I know a lot of people can withstand things much worse and much longer. But I'm just wating for the worse to come because there's not light in my life anywhere. No glimmer of hope. I'm ready for it to change. I'm not a strong person, and I'm just about ready to give up.
mood done
merry-go-round ~ 25 danced
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_morning_glow did it!
good
intimidated
cold
sore
drained
